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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gutted, stalker has made contact after 8 months

42 replies

Scared76 · 22/03/2014 19:13

In May last year I had a very brief fling with someone I had known for years but hadn't seen for years until I bumped. It was for one week and I met with him 3 times in the space of that week. He came on very strong so I finished it. What followed was nearly 3 months of him texting me, driving past me on the school run, he even stopped me when I was with my children. His messages ranged from friendly to nasty.

I initially responded to him saying to leave me alone then I ignored his messages as he was not getting it. As it escalated I contacted the police, they classed it as domestic abuse because there had been some sort of relationship. He reacted angrily to the female officer that called him, he then called the police station the next day to apologise saying he didn't realise my distress.

I didn't hear anymore from him, until today. We live in the same town and I saw him in the distance walking. I was with my children and quickly changed my route. 10 minutes later I receive a text message from him saying that he saw me and wanted to say hi and he hopes I'm ok??! So no contact since the end of July and now this?

What would you advise I do?

Contact the police as I have a crime number from the last time or just ignore and hope he thinks I changed my number (bloody wish I had) or ignore and change my number?

Sorry for the length of this but it was hell before and I became ill, I can't go through that again. Also I'm with a new partner and stupidly didn't tell him as I wanted to bury it as it was a terrible time and I felt ashamed and weak :(

Any advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 22/03/2014 22:47

I can't see if anything has mentioned this, but iPhones can be tracked. Software enables you to locate the phone by GPS.

If you haven't already, get rid of the iPhone and get something else.

Original poster

Scared76 · 22/03/2014 22:57

Sorry AdoraBell but are you saying he can track me from my mobile number? I'm not up on all of this, sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scared76 · 23/03/2014 00:49

I'm panicking, sorry, can I be located from a phone number by GPS? Anyone?

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 23/03/2014 01:40

Depending on your privacy settings - and which apps you have on your phone - yes, you can.

Lweji · 23/03/2014 01:44

Contact the police asap.

In any case, you should need to install the software for someone to be able to track your iPhone. It is usually installed in case the phone is stolen or to track teenagers/cheating partners.

Original poster

Scared76 · 23/03/2014 02:05

I've just plucked up the courage to call the police. I called 101 and got put through to a local office. Basically she said she can't just log it, I can have officers visit me but I can't have that just yet (I live with family who don't know about it). She said to keep the text and if I have anymore contact to call again and then they'll visit etc. I'm thinking of going to the local police station (where I went before) and talking to them about it. I've also got an extension number for the PC who dealt with it before but I called it 4 times tonight and there was no answer.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 23/03/2014 02:13

Well done for calling the police.

Why don't your family members know? Is it because you feel embarrassed?

You should tell your family about this and that the police have dealt and will deal with it. Don't keep it to yourself, you haven't done anything wrong so there's no reason to hide this problem.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/03/2014 02:20

Well done for telling the police. This man has committed a crime by contacting you after being told not to. Even if he has realised the error of his ways/had a bang on the head/been put on proper medication and means only to apologise you still don't have to engage with him in any way.

But I wonder if you have other experience of being bullied and told that you are worthless and don't matter. If so, it's possible that your current partner is abusive, too. Did you get any professional support or counselling when the previous stalking was being dealt with? If you are surrounded by bullies or the sort of people who enable abusive men, it might be worth getting support from a counsellor now.

Original poster

Scared76 · 23/03/2014 02:23

I do feel embarrassed and ashamed. I also don't want my elderly parents to worry. I will not let him do this to me again though. I sobbed on the phone and felt a twat saying it was one message but he's been warned previously. So I'll keep the message and either call or visit the local station.

Thank you all for your advice, the one piece I didn't take was telling my partner or family but hopefully I won't have to. Thanks again

OP posts:

Original poster

Scared76 · 23/03/2014 02:31

SolidGoldBrass - sorry crossed posts. There was EA with my ex-husband. There are a few problems in my current relationship but that's a whole other thread. I do think I need counselling. I'm just feeling very vulnerable right now and this resurfacing has totally thrown me. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 23/03/2014 02:47

Okay, I can understand not wanting to worry elderly parents but it's not you that has done something wrong here.

Counseling would help if you are able to get some.
In the meantime remember - it's not you that's in the wrong here so you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I don't know about the psychology of stalkers but this seems to be having the same effect as an abusive spouse, making you feel negative about yourself and isolating you. Don't let that happen please.

He is obsessed
He has been warned off by the police
He contacted you again
He is acting illegally
He is a starker

See, you didn't do any of that.

differentnameforthis · 23/03/2014 04:09

Why are you with someone now who would probably approach the stalker

What the hell kinda question is that?? OP met someone after all this happened, is she supposed to have vetted him to make sure he wouldn't want to protect her/confront someone who caused her harm?

If I had a stalker I would expect my dh would want to confront him. That doesn't make him a bad guy (or whatever your question insinuates) it makes him someone who wouldn't want to see someone upsetting me etc.

Just because the op said he would confront, doesn't actually mean he will.

JokersGiggle · 23/03/2014 08:13

Well done for contacting the police

In the end dh stalker just vanished suddenly. 100 hang up calls in one day, then just nothing. She had never listened to the police before when they told her to stop, they think she moved onto someone new, feel so sorry for the people if she has.

Just to be sure she wouldn't come back we moved again, although it didn't stop her before it slowed her up.

ballsballsballs · 23/03/2014 11:43

Well done for contacting the police.

I remember well the feeling of being stalked. XH stalked me for months (mainly via phone) until he received an official warning.

It is not your fault. This man has ignored your boundaries and you deserve to have them respected.

Big hugs lovely

JokersGiggle · 23/03/2014 13:50

You might have to be prepared that he'll never completely go. Dh stalker has been on and off for the Last 6 years. So far its been 1 year with no contact which is a record. But the police did warn us that stalking dh seems like "a security blanket", the default one she comes back to when others tell her to take a hike/she gets stressed ect.
Its hard but moving has helped.
Living in the same area was impossible. Really think you should tell your partner, he can support you x

gingerbeard · 23/03/2014 14:18

OP I would tell your partner asap because if this person continues stalking you, your DP WILL find out, and then he may feel hurt that you have not confided in him, and this could affect your relationship. Note I'm saying might/could etc, your DP may not react like that at all, but honestly why take the chance. Don't let the stalker affect your current relationship. You are giving him more power by doing this.

Eskimoo · 23/03/2014 17:18

OP this happened to me. He texted, rang our landline, texted our landline, sent family members abusive messages but the worst was the constant walking of his dog past/near our house or on the school run 6/7 times a day at all hours. We phoned the police over 15 times and he was warned several times over 18 months. We ended up keeping a log and filming him and our neighbours acted as witnesses. The police charged him with harrassment (the week before new stalking laws) and we got a restraining order for three years. I firmly believe after the three years is up he will be back and our life is still not back to normal.

Write down everything.

The police can log things without coming out so let them know of every occurrance.

We had to change our numbers but you may not want to do that.

Please dont underestimate the stress and psychlogical damage this can do and please do not be embarrassed - you are the victim.

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