50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

[Cakehanded]

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree?

Feeling better already!

Or the time tosser made me wait for hours on my own for the tow truck because he had burnt out the clutch - he had to go to work, of course .
Then told me to tell the mechanic that it was my fault because: everyone knew it was women who burnt clutches
(I drove a car that was 12-yrs-old and had never had to replace the clutch!)
twattish weirdo!

Not abusive, but still very shitty:

Leaving me with an 1 hours notice while in hospital after an overdose, his emotional affair and shittiness making my PND worse.

After leaving me, sending me a text message, "Night sexy, cant wait to say that in person in 2 days", 2 days later he was 300 miles away with OW, leaving me with a toddler.

Telling me to keep the engagement ring because we'll be needing again, yeah fucking right we will.

Telling his new gf (not ow) that he would be DD's mum.

Telling gf that he only proposed to me because I was pregnant (DD was already here when we got engaged.

Telling me to my face, he only agreed to get engaged to "Shut me up".

Trying to force me to meet his new GF, Xmas day, only 4 months after him leaving, his parents complicit.

Being a crap dad who cant be arsed to see DD, new gf more important.

Used to cry as a way of making me feel sorry for him, cunt!!!

I well and truly dodged a bullet.

Mine used to cry after we'd argued, being all reasonable and putting my lack of understanding of how he felt down to my Aspergers. I used to fall for it ever time thinking he must be right and somehow I must be wrong, that was one of the ways he kept me there so long, doubting myself and getting more and more depressed as I did. Which made me much easier to manipulate, and also berate for being miserable or antisocial.

Mine also used to cry when it suited him and to prove just how mean I was.

The best one was when I finally called him out on some of his behaviour to me in front of a neighbour. He cried and claimed I just made him so sad. He then phoned the Samaritans (from another room) called me through and said that they had told him it was me that was the problem...

12 years worth of ea from oh and am finally completely ready to LTB... Can't wait in fact. Just need to get some legal advice first so that I know all my rights. Women's aid and cab have been amazing. Here are just a few gems from over the years:

-moaning about the fact I was always depressed (yeah because of his behavior), refused to support me emotionally, but instead told me that I need to just get on with it and snap out of it.

-he'd make fun of my weight and even grabbed my belly and would then get in in a mood when I got upset, saying that I "can't takes joke"

-in the early days he'd make subtle hints that I needed to lose weight or that I'd gained wait - even when I was underweight.

-he'd have angry abusive rants at me, telling me I'm fat, lazy, useless etc. he would try to tell me that my own family and friends don't like me

-when I was preg with dc1,he told me that he had an infection that is passed on by toilets/not washing hands and that I should go to get tested as I may have caught it. He dropped me there but said he was too busy to stay with me. It was an STD clinic! He had given me chlamydia!! The humiliation of being heavily pregnant at an STD clinic, I'll never forget. The sexual health advisor assured me that it is ONLY transmitted sexually, but when I told oh, he swore blind that he hadn't done anything... It was a mystery! Until 6 years later when he'd been found out with some other disgusting things he'd done (quite frankly too ashamed to say what) and so I questioned him and he finally admitted he slept with someone else when I was preg.

I will post more, as there are so many!!

Jesus holly TB definately deserves to be L x

Thanks honey getting there!

I don't know about LTB. KTB and leave him out for the crows.

Lois, the thought has crossed my mind

Seriously, its a shame we cant brand the cunty people mentioned on this thread..

Bit like Inglorious bastards, when they branded nazi's on the head with the swastika.

My ex was a horrible horrible man boy.

He told me he was going to the shop and only came back 3 days later. Apparently he 'got lost'. The shop is 100 metres down the road.

Apparently he cheated on me with my friend because he saved her from drowning and then she needed some comfort.

He used to ring in sick all the time. I only found out later that he was using excuses like 'Nursey has had a miscarriage'... 'Nursey has cancer'. These weren't true.

That's awful nursey! You're well rid. What a scumbag!

I rang him and he said he was in Blackpool, would be late home. I was stood about 5 foot away from him at the time at the front of the shops

He once went out with my friends but text me to say I wasn't allowed to come and had to stay in

I gave him my bank card to draw £10 out. He came back and handed me the £10. I said where's the rest. He said what do you mean? I showed him digital banking on my phone that showed that he'd withdrew £100.

He got me a digital camera for my birthday. One day I couldn't find it so thought eek must have lost it. Later that day his friend asked me if 'X is still selling that pink camera'.

holly Ohh I'm well rid, 4 years of that! he was horrible. I have a wonderful DP now

Aww good for you nursey hopefully one day that can be me x

I'm sure it will, you be strong xx

There are so many stories here that match mine to a tee.

There must be a common thread to link the behaviour of these men.

For me the link/warning sign is:

1. Mummy did/does everything for them

2. Dad had affairs/was abusive

3. Jealously/possessiveness very early in the relationship

4. Disliking your friends/colleagues or anyone he cannot control. Stopping you from socialising with them.

I am now with the kindest and most gentle man you could ever meet but bloody hell my ex-dh and an ex-bh could have come from the same family.

I understand that family traits can be broken or he has had a wake up call or was determined he never would be a product of his upbringing.

Or was just bright and sensitive enough to know that sort of behaviour makes everyone unhappy and is ultimately counter productive.

I wish I had seen this thread at 25 before I married ex-dh.

redrubyindigo - you're right, I often wonder if I had found mn, womens aid, etc would I have come to my senses sooner? I'll never know the answer to that, but what I do know is that I tried and tried and tried until I realised that I don't have to try anymore whilst constantly walking on eggshells. I also know that mn has empowered me even more to LTB :)

Thought of a few more:

-Always defending and condoning his mums VILE behaviour towards me

-changing his moods at the click of a finger, I was constantly walking on eggshells

-expecting me to do ALL cooking and cleaning even when i was ill - this relaxed over the last few years as i just simply refused!!

-Withheld all affection from me except for when he wanted sex

-became quite angry with me if I refused sex - sometimes it was just easier to DTD (and get it over with) than to deal with his awful temper... sad I know.

-The silent treatment drove me mad... and the more I asked him what was wrong/apologised/gave him any attention for it, the more control it gave him over me

the list goes on... I must post some more lighthearted ones next time!

I have a friend who found it funny when her three year old ds told her that 'women are stupid' or 'go and wash up'.

He learnt it from his Dad. Now he is 25 and abusive to his girlfriends.

Not so funny now.

Have you seen the video going around facebook with the little lad asking him mum for cookies or cupcakes or whatever

this one.

I thought it was cute at first but I carried on watching it and I just thought he must have learned this, and he's not learning respect for his mum :(

Nursey

Just watched that Youtube clip.

The old Mumsnet mantra.

"No is a complete sentence" end of.

Me:(pregnant with our first baby) I'm craving mint chocolate chip ice cream.... PLEASE go to the shop and get me a cornetto.
Tit: go yourself. You're pregnant not disabled
Me: much pleading and bargaining
Tit: OK I'll go IF you buy me some beers.
Me: OK! Here's all the money I have - £4.50
Tit - off to shop.
Returns... With 3 1pint cans of beer and a Topic chocolate bar for himself
Tit:I didn't have enough for your ice cream
Me: haha, very funny, now WHWERES MY MINT CHOC CHIP?!?
Tit: I didn't get you one
Me: (murderously) YOU DIDNT GET ME ONE?!
Tit: well, I GOT you one, but then I didn't have enough money so I had to put it back

I can smile about it now... Through gritted teeth.

Separating you from your family and non-suitable friends is classic.

My ex did this a lot.

Told me, you don't like your mum, she was abusive when you were a child because she didn't leave your dad. You don't like your ex because he is a bad dad. You shouldn't be upset your step-dad died from cancer because he said horrible things to you - with six brain tumours, following a brain hemorrhage eighteen months before, his personality did change a bit, but none of that ever stopped me loving him, or respecting what my mum went through to raise me, or recognizing that both my exes were loving fathers who did their best.

That was actually my tipping point moment. Where I realised what he was doing, and watched it over the weeks, recognising what it was and making plans to leave. How I could look him in the face after that and pretend all was well, I don't know, but I had a great inner dialogue with all his crap. Kept me going.

YES redruby For the mum's sake I hope he grows out of that!

True the prick! You can't deny a pregnant woman her craving... and then get yourself bloody beer!

I craved white chocolate magnums. Fortunately I was with the only decent man I ever had a relationship with, my DSs dad. And I left him because I felt he had a bit of a drinking problem. Fortunately he turned his life around, just done with university and going into teaching.