Honestly WWYD - found DH on dating sites and more x

[Sleepyheadx]

Ok weve been married almost 25 years.
Not a happy marriage tbh.
Definitely lack of intimacy.
12 years ago I found DH looking at porn. I was heavily pregnant and went babanas tbh. My BFF then calmed me down told me it was entirely normal to an extent and I eventually saw it a little more logically.
Agreed that if he wanted to look on occasions was ok but no secrecy (he had put passwords on everything ) and i then even offered to watch some with him.

He knew how much it upset me but I gave him my ok within limits I think .

For the last 12 years our sex life has been dreadful. I assumed he didn't fancy me . I asked him to go to the doctors when he said it wasn't my fault he was just always tired. I offered to go with him.He wouldn't go.

Last week I wasn't snooping because I have never ever had reason to. I cant remember how I think his e mail was open not mine when I saw an e mail which sent alarm bells - it was for a website called flirtomatic.I clicked the link and his picture and everything was on a profile.
Now rightly or wrongly I was that gutted I trawled through everything and this is what ive discovered.
Hes been on dating sites / chat rooms for 12 years judging by e mail history.
Hes on at least 8 dating sites.
He has another mobile telephone .
He is a regular on porn sites.
On the one site he is listed as being separated for a year.
I logged in on his profile and he was chatting to girls until 2.30 in the morning , at 7 in the morning and on and off during the day. When I say chatting it was completely sexual-some not so - but many were so.
This is a man who I have asked for a couple of years what the hell he does in the bathroom for an hour in the morning but was only joking because no one could in and know I know !).
Now I went 1 step further which is totally wrong I know but I did.
I set up my own profile and was chatting to him.
I was off work sick ( not really ill just gutted and couldn't function ), so he brings me a cup of coffee in bed and goes back down to his office-where he then tells me hes going to put his cock in my mouth and shoot his load !! ( not obviously realising the other person was me his wife upstairs ) I asked him if he wanted to do some pictures with me and he said yes and gave me his e mail address- he has several I knew nothing about.
This all happened over a week ago.
He knows I hate lies and truth always wins-I have asked him to look me in the eye and tell me hes not hiding anything-he knows im ending our marriage and ive given him several opportunities to own up. It sounds crazy but im such a stickler for truth and after all these years he knows dam well right or wrong that if he owned up id address what is probably some sort of porn addiction and go with him for councelling.
Ive noticed that there is a lock down on everything. I mean we have several laptops ( teenagers ) ipads phones ect and everything of his is suddenly password protected.
This all feels horrid.
I cant stand the thought of him getting off with these women who it seems hes actually got to know online when all the time I thought he was gay or that I was just ugly to him.
Am I overreacting wanting to end this marriage ?

Ok here goes,My name is Gary and I am the husband that's involved in this thread and I wanted to come on here because I don't know what else to do.I need to point out first of all that my wife sent me the link several days ago,I have not been checking up on what she is doing.I have read all your posts,and my wifes and I have to confess I am deeply ashamed and embaressed about how I've treated my wife and the hurt it has caused our family.I have and always will love my wife,she is an amazing person and a brillant mother to our children and I've never told her but she has been my rock all these years.There are many reasons why relationships fail but to not give your wife affection and to be dishonest towards her must be amongst the worst.I hold my head in shame,guilty on both counts.Some people have reffered to me as a sleezeball others as a loser,I have no defence.Only my wife knows me,I am sometimes forgetful,selfish but the reality is I'm very nieve and stupid.I know I made my choice to do what I did but if someone had said hey dont do that because....I would have thought oh your right,sorry.The truth is it has taken this to make me focus on everything I've done wrong over the years.I am physically and emotionally drained,I have a professional job where I deal with customers,I cry all day whilst driving and find myself having to pull up on a carpark for several minutes so the redness can go out my eyes before driving round the corner to a customers house.I explaining this not because I'm feeling sorry for myself or want sympathy but so you all can attempt to comprehend the extreme remorse I feel for my actions.What ever happens this has taught me I need to be a better person, more open and always to be honest.I love my wife dearly,I wish more than anything she could find it in her heart to forgive me,give me a chance to show her my love again.I know she knows I'm a broken man and that I'm absolutely sincere with my apology but I'm so afraid that its falling on deaf ears,I don't know what else to say.I love you dearly and I am so very sorry.

What an absolute crock of shit.

In all the twelve years (over a decade!!!) that you've been cheating on your wife, it never crossed your mind that what you were doing was wrong? Because nobody took you to one side to tell you? You couldn't work that out for yourself.

And as for the crying bit, imagine how much your wife has cried over this. And over the years when she's believed you simply didn't fancy or love her. When the reality was you were too busy showing your cock to strangers on the internet to give a shit how she felt.

The tears and remorse are because you got caught. That's all. So save your son story for someone else.

And you fail to say what you are going to do to make you the sort of man who deserves a woman's love and trust. It's all about you and your dreadful woe.

Well I'm afraid your pity party won't be including me on it's guest list

Still logging on to the internet for chats then Gary? If you want to do the right thing, get out of the house and into a rented place. Give her the space she needs to sort her life and your DC's lives out.
I cannot even imagine how she is getting through this while having to share breathing space with someone who has treated her with so little respect, and made her feel so unloveable and worthless over the last 12 years.

So let me just understand what you're saying here sincerelysorry.

You are claiming that in the last 4,500 days, or over 100,000 hours of your life, when you've been sneaking off to chat to women you're not married to in a sexual way and avoiding your life-partner and children to do this you never thought it was wrong?

12 years of avoiding having sex with your wife, and at NO POINT did it cross your mind that you could be cheating? There was no singular moment in all that time when you thought, "hmmm, my wife is a sexual being, she seems to think there's something medically wrong with me as I'm not having sex with her, but that's ok as I'm getting my needs fulfilled elsewhere and so that's all totally fine, nothing I should feel wrong or guilty about?"

But, if on one of those 4,500 days you had come across a person who said to you "Internet sex with women other than your wife is cheating" then you would have stopped immediately, apologised profusely to your wife for the misunderstanding and spent the rest of your life making it up to her?

B*llocks.

You're sorry that you've been caught.
You're sorry that your cosy life has been destroyed (by you).
You're sorry that people are now going to see you fort he cheating perv that you are.

You're a pathetic loser, and quite frankly your wife and children deserve better than what you have to offer.

I expect Gary thought we would stroke his arm and say "oh well, if you didn't realise that showing your cock to a stranger and offering to push it down her throat was wrong, and you've actually been *crying then that's all ok and we understand what a poor little lost soul you are".

Well sorry sunshine but we don't fall for that kind of bullshit and I hope Sleepyhead doesn't either.

There are two sides to most stories and you have based your opinions on one,there were other factors involved which I would not go into on here.I am not trying to excuse what I did because it was clearly wrong,I cannot change the past.No words will put it right.I know if I had given my wife the love and affection she deserved and talked openly and honestly then she would not have suffered as she did.For that I am sorry.If this relationship is salvageable she would have my total commitment in everyway and complete honesty,good or bad.I have learnt my lesson,have you ever done something wrong that you really,I mean really regret well so have I and I do not need your pity thankyou.I need a miracle

Well Gary, if you truly love your wife, walk away. Let her rebuild her own life on her own terms. Let her rebuild her confidence and self esteem. Go and sort yourself out. Have counselling.

If you love her, leave the woman be.

It's the deception involved that makes it a deal breaker. You've had secret laptops, phones, accounts etc for years. That kind of utter deviousness is in a way even harder to come back from than a one off affair where you realised you made a huge mistake and confessed quickly.
You also didn't confess, you were caught out. These are multiple deceptions over a huge amount of time. That's why it is hard to believe you are sincere or capable of change.

By saying "there's two sides to every story" you are quite clearly implying your wife is in some way to blame. So yes, you are trying to make excuses. Pathetic

And yes. I've made mistakes. They tend to be one offs. Not repeated daily for 12 years. 12 years!!' That's the bit that really sticks in my craw.

I'm guessing your wife won't speak to you. Good. She doesn't need to hear any more lies or excuses or son stories.

Just fuck off, Gary.

Except 12 years ago when your wife told you that she found porn use unacceptable, you carried on, somehow convinced her to put aside her gut feeling and even to watch some with you. She compromised then, didn't she?
So instead of seeing how much she compromised her beliefs for you, you went further and further and further.
Stop using the internet to try and apologise to her or to justify yourself in some way. Just leave her alone: give the her space she needs to process this. Sleeping on the sofa isn't far enough. You need to leave the house. Do you have no friends you could go and stay with, or has all interaction in your life been between you and the internet recently?
..and what MushroomSoup said.

Yes, fuck off. You're sorry you got caught, not sorry for your poor wife. When were you going to tell her then? If you're so sorry about it? Five years ago? Ten years ago?

If you love her then for gods sake leave her alone. She deserves someone who can show her a bit of thought and respect., not a selfish arsehole who thinks his cock is more important than his wife and the mother of his children.

You are pathetic.

I accept everyones criticism and I acknowledge what I did was wrong and the people closest to me have suffered because of it.Many people take the wrong route throughout their lives,drug addicts,gamblers,alcoholics, it does not mean they are bad people,some of them have just made the wrong choice,led astray and the habbit takes over and is difficult to stop.This is not a justification for doing what their doing or indeed what I did but just the reality.They also hurt the ones they love.I found myself in this position and only now has the reality sunk in,the pain and hurt that I have inflicted on the people I love.That aspect of my life is over whether or not I stay in this marriage.I have been unbelieveably selfish and stupid,my remorse is sincere.I have not come on here for people to feel sorry for me or to seek pity,it is my wife who has suffered all these years.She is an amazing beautiful person,a great mom and a good friend,I wished I'd realised that earlier,I really do.I love her so much despite what everone thinks and I miss her.These are my final thoughts,I will not be posting again

If you are for real Gary you are one sad twat

I hope your wife wises up real soon and finds herself a real man

There are plenty of them out there

And you are not one of them

You. Are. A. Bastard.

My advice is: fuck off out of Sleepyhead's life and let her get on with living it again.

You make me feel sick.

"I found myself in this position"

Erm..no. You put yourself in this position.

Gary, are you flagelating yourself as you get flayed on this thread ?

Gary I agree with you. Sometimes in life people make the wrong choices without thinking about the consequences.

It's interesting how you align yourself with drug addicts, gamblers and alcoholics, trying to make us, and your wife, see what you've done as beyond your control, because you've been in the grip of a force that is stronger than you.

However, the result is still the same.

You should still just fuck off.

And clever wives seperate themselves from those losers too gazza.

You ok, sleepy?

Sleepy is everything ok?

Need a [worried] emoticon on here.

These types of behaviors are normally linked to sex addiction. Unfortunately it is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome and he would need to see a qualified CSAT

I'm afraid for the partner it is one long journey of pain, betrayal, lies and deceit. An organization called posarc is really good for partners...not in a helping you stay way...but more to offer you support to move on and recover

I hope it works out for you

He wasn't sorry for 12 (or more) years. All those years he was able to look his wife in the eye, knowing what he was doing, hiding what he was doing. Now suddenly he's sorry.

Nope. Don't buy it. He's not sorry. He's sorry he's got caught and that there have been massive consequences for him. He's sorry he's had to face up to what he's done to her. He's sorry that he doesn't get to continue to have this fantasy life and the domestic service he has enjoyed. THAT'S what he's sorry about. And he hasn't even got the guts / self awareness to realise that. If you'd never caught him, he wouldn't have suddenly gone oh my, I am a total wankbag, I am sooooooooooo sorry. No. He'd have carried on with his secret little sleezy life.

I hope you are ok, OP, and that you do what is right for you, whatever that may be. xx

Do come back OP and let us know you're OK. Even if it's just a quick message. I really don't like the fact that you broke off your post. It sounds as if you were rowing and that bothers me.