Honestly WWYD - found DH on dating sites and more x

[Sleepyheadx]

Ok weve been married almost 25 years.
Not a happy marriage tbh.
Definitely lack of intimacy.
12 years ago I found DH looking at porn. I was heavily pregnant and went babanas tbh. My BFF then calmed me down told me it was entirely normal to an extent and I eventually saw it a little more logically.
Agreed that if he wanted to look on occasions was ok but no secrecy (he had put passwords on everything ) and i then even offered to watch some with him.

He knew how much it upset me but I gave him my ok within limits I think .

For the last 12 years our sex life has been dreadful. I assumed he didn't fancy me . I asked him to go to the doctors when he said it wasn't my fault he was just always tired. I offered to go with him.He wouldn't go.

Last week I wasn't snooping because I have never ever had reason to. I cant remember how I think his e mail was open not mine when I saw an e mail which sent alarm bells - it was for a website called flirtomatic.I clicked the link and his picture and everything was on a profile.
Now rightly or wrongly I was that gutted I trawled through everything and this is what ive discovered.
Hes been on dating sites / chat rooms for 12 years judging by e mail history.
Hes on at least 8 dating sites.
He has another mobile telephone .
He is a regular on porn sites.
On the one site he is listed as being separated for a year.
I logged in on his profile and he was chatting to girls until 2.30 in the morning , at 7 in the morning and on and off during the day. When I say chatting it was completely sexual-some not so - but many were so.
This is a man who I have asked for a couple of years what the hell he does in the bathroom for an hour in the morning but was only joking because no one could in and know I know !).
Now I went 1 step further which is totally wrong I know but I did.
I set up my own profile and was chatting to him.
I was off work sick ( not really ill just gutted and couldn't function ), so he brings me a cup of coffee in bed and goes back down to his office-where he then tells me hes going to put his cock in my mouth and shoot his load !! ( not obviously realising the other person was me his wife upstairs ) I asked him if he wanted to do some pictures with me and he said yes and gave me his e mail address- he has several I knew nothing about.
This all happened over a week ago.
He knows I hate lies and truth always wins-I have asked him to look me in the eye and tell me hes not hiding anything-he knows im ending our marriage and ive given him several opportunities to own up. It sounds crazy but im such a stickler for truth and after all these years he knows dam well right or wrong that if he owned up id address what is probably some sort of porn addiction and go with him for councelling.
Ive noticed that there is a lock down on everything. I mean we have several laptops ( teenagers ) ipads phones ect and everything of his is suddenly password protected.
This all feels horrid.
I cant stand the thought of him getting off with these women who it seems hes actually got to know online when all the time I thought he was gay or that I was just ugly to him.
Am I overreacting wanting to end this marriage ?

I've confronted him and he had absolutely no idea I knew ! I made out I knew more than I did and said that did he realise that web cam footage of him could be all over the Internet and that I was upset that you could see my house in the background . I didn't find this really but am gutted that it obviously really did go that far . I have an unhealthy want to actually see what ever he's done but probably never will and knno it will make no difference anyway . He has agreed to leave . Hope it was worth it . Am slowly beginning to see him differently .x

You're clearly incompatible OP...intellectually if he had no idea you had a clue!

Well done for confronting and not letting on all you didn't know. Keep your position and build a happy life for you.

Wishing you well, be strong

Also wishing you well OP.

Oh OP, you are absolutely not overreacting. My heart goes out to you

I'm in a very similar situation, found out my h has been trawling net on his phone for naked images of women/porn. I was sickened enough about that and his reaction was that it's normal and all men do it! It's not always been normal for him though, he'd previously looked disgusted with me when I suggested spicing things up with a little porn years ago but now he uses these images alone to get himself off.

I tried to accept that maybe it is normal but what really hurt me was one particular search for naked women ####### (# = our home town). I couldn't understand why he'd be searching for naked women in such close proximity to us rather than just random images. He said he was just curious what would come up!

We've had our problems and I've tried so many times to talk to him about them without solution and he's so secretive about everything now I don't know what to think anymore. I can't talk to h, he dismisses me so I wrote everything down in an email and sent it to him on Wednesday. I thought that would get his attention since he enjoys being online so much :-/

Sadly my h won't move out, he says he's done nothing wrong and it's my problem. I'm so pissed off with the situation now but I'm not bloody leaving, this is mine & our DC's home. The tenancy is in my name and where the hell would I be able to go if I left?

I truly wish you all the very best OP, you deserve so much better than you're getting x

Well done for confronting him OP and I think it's good that you're seeing him differently. You said originally that it wasn't a happy marriage and that it lacked intimacy. You've wasted a lot of time up to now wondering if you're ugly or he's gay etc. and I'm sorry it's taken something like this to force the pace. I know you'll have a lot of mixed feelings in the weeks and months to come, but I think you'll look back at this point as the day your life started fresh and you finally stopped blaming yourself. Good luck

Why on EARTH do you think you're over-reacting.
This is cheating (for 12 years!) and you KNOW he has met up with people and had sex elsewhere, yes?
What an arsehole.

PLEASE don't fall for any "addiction" shit. He wasn't addicted the first time he chose to cheat on you, and that time is enough for you to end your marriage over. He's disgusting.

I can't believe someone has suggested counselling. The only counseling you should do is own your own to help you through the stress of his despicable behaviour.

Whatever happens with him now, whatever bollocks he says, this relationship is over OP.
It sounds like it's been such a miserable time for you where you've ripped yourself apart, doubting yourself, feeling unattractive. And all because of this sad, sub-functional, individual who is the sort of person who can portray the loving husband one minute, bringing his poorly wife a hot drink, then go downstairs and type filth to stranger online.
You deserve so much more than this in life.
Kick his lying, cheating arse out of the door and then plan your new exciting life!

He sounds like an awful excuse of a human being. You deserve better. End it and find someone who dies want to be intimate, leave him to his own devices!

How are you feeling today sleepy? Hope you're OK x

Your messages are reassuring thank you . Bit hungover tbh had tooi much wine and don't need that . We've been married 22 years and have 4 cc the two youngest are 10 and 3 so going to be hard and have no idea where to start tbh x

It seems daunting I know.

Break it down into smaller chunks and, (this is always my advice) make a list. List ticking is good!

You need some legal advice. You need some RL support. Make them your priorities

As for the wine? Meh! We all know we shouldn't do it but many many of us do. Don't make it a habit but don't beat yourself up either.

I clearly remember, at my lowest ebb, waking up with an advocat hangover when I'd had a night finishing off the contents of the Christmas drinks cupboard and playing sad songs. Now an advocat hangover I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Grim!

So where do I start ? He is going to his parents this weekend and coming back Monday for work as his parents are too far away for him to commute daily . We have no savings ?

Go. That's intolerable. Trust has been completely violated.

Do you own or rent?
And maybe take his belongings out of your bedroom for now, and separate the washing and no longer cook for him. And change things around if you fancy it.
Or have the day off getting your head around it all.

Sneeze - just read the bloody thread first why don't you? It's not exactly pages and pages long. The OP knows that it's intolerable.

Sleepy, while he's away, pack his stuff into bin bags and leave it in the garage / shed for him to collect. Where he stays is his problem to be honest. He should have thought about that before he did what he did.

That will give you breathing space and time to think. Go NC with him apart from basic communication about the DC.

Also, over the weekend, make it a priority to tell someone on RL. And get their support on board. YOu have nothing to be ashamed of and need RL help.

This afternoon, make an appointment with a solicitor. Free initial half hour should do it. Just to get the ball rolling.

Do you work? If not, make it a priority to find out what benefits etc you would be entitled to. That could be Monday's job.

So:

Today: make solicitor's appointent
Tomorrow: ring RL person and tell them. Get them round for wine / tea
Sunday: pack all his shit up and get it out of the house
Monday: find out about benefits (there are web sites)

There! A plan!

You sound such a reasonable person and you do not deserve this-he is not worthy of you. Keep strong and recognise your own value. I am so sorry you have been let down so badly, he sounds so selfish. It is a big thing to leave a partner after 25 years but in the circumstances you must be considering it.

Whatever happens you do not have to put up with this behaviour. Thinking of you.

Hi sleepyhead.

I am actually just on my way out but I wanted to let you know I am in a very similar situation.

Although I would not wish this on anyone, I have been toying with the idea of posting on here recently asking if anyone else had experienced the same/similar to me. I am sorry you have I truely am. Its so big and vile I really cannot get my head around it. I am 2 months in from this discovery.

Very briefly - so not ro bore everyone and hog your thread we have been together almost 20 years. 2 teen DC and married 11 years. He has for the entire time of our marriage been doing similar chat/sexting etc. I have very little tech evidence as he is a supreme expert in being devious and wins over me in being able to keep his seedy life hidden. I do however have evidence and knowledge of my H real life antics. He regularly meets up with random people off the net for sex - oral, anal and fuck knows what else. He has been doing this for years. In our family car and at their houses/flats etc but never here in our home. It seems I am the good clean facade to a normal life - the wife and kids front - whilst he leads a vile seedy double life.

I am in awe of your techy skills and being able to hack into his accounts. There is still great mystery for me as to WHAT EXACTLY he gets upto online and because he is so devious and sly I do wonder if its not just women and perhaps there is something else - cross dressing, dogging, bi, gay???? Although I cant get my head around that. But then - I would never have guessed my lovely popular husband would also do what he does.

God the similarities are unreal - long bathroom visits, the hidden sim car/mobile phone, locked down everything with passwords and he has been passing it off as being wise to be secure FFS!!!

Anyway I wont bore you with any more of my "story" but wanted you to know you are not alone. Its so awful - its kind of impossible to believe.

I will check in again later to see how you are getting on and coping.

Hugs - I know they are not mumsnetty but ....

Wow Sad thank you for sharing that . What are you doing ? Have you confronted him ?
I've told my BF who is the BF you could ever wish for .
Just got a hosp appt ill check in later and thanks mumsneters x

Well done Sleepy - that took strength! You have more of that where that came from. I hope she's giving you tons of support

Now, how are you doing with the rest of my orders your list?

HI sleepyhead

Its a bit of a long story but I am still here and I have not left. That said we are not "together". he has been away hell of alot (just as well) with ill/dying parent and I have been here holding the fort with the kids etc and just plodding on the best I can for now.

When he is here we are polite and civil to each other and he sleeps on the sofa.

I have my moments where do make snide remarks etc. He annoyingly is calling me love etc like he always has and is being too normal and obviously is hoping it will all get brushed under the carpet and we will carry on. That in itself makes my blood boil but I still do nothing.

I dont know why or whats up with me - tbh, I know I am not myself at the moment despite plodding on and being my normal self externally. I think this has affected more than I initially realised. That and the being terrified to bring the subject up. I know we cannot carry on like this - at some point we need an adult coversation.

I doubt he will initiate it so it looks like thats something else that lands in my court to deal with.

We had one brief conversation one Sunday when he was home 24 hours before his dad died but it didnt reveal anything - he is a closed book and I really am only now realising I do not actually know who the fuck I am married to.

Sorry I dont have any answers or a magic solution to make this all alright again. Are you any further on? Any discussion?

I am going to try telling a few people in real life. At the moment it is too easy to pretend this isnt happening because no one really knows. I keep losing the bottle to open up. If I had to do this all over again. I would tell people straight away in the initial shock phase - so please open up to good friends. Dont keep it all in like I have.

Sad I'm faltering . I confronted him and he owned up completely . Predictable excuse ,ie looking for intimacy , and when I said that didn't excuse him getting off with women online he agreed and was ashamed and remorseful . I asked him to tell me everything and he did . He's been in chat rooms on and off for twelve years . It's only the last two or three months while he's not been in our bed that he got deep into it . He owned to everything . He's done the chat the sexy talk watched lots if porn and watched done live web cam . He's never been on cam or video himself but has posted a few pictures . He really hasn't got another phone the charge u saw to another mobile was his sim in his tablet which had some mobile data credit left dr

Oops didn't mean to post that yet sorry x he really hasn't met anyone and will do anything yo make things work . Tbh our marriage is a shambles but am I bailing out too quick ? Should I help him through this ? He had got really behind with his work and losing his job wouldn't help anyone so I agreed to let him stay this weekend to catch up and he did just that. Then last night we discusses formal separation and he agreed to do whatever I want him to . We have 4 dc . I'm faultering . I just don't know if I have the strength to do this now because he is a broken man . Yes I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him but I do t know what to do either . Common sense tells me to separate and ASAP before I mellow x

Poor you. Can you live with the reality that your dh has treated you with so little respect for too long?
Sorry is very easy to say and I'm sure he is, but he didn't give you a second thought when he was wanking to girls on live cam. Awful.
We all make mistakes, but this is really too appalling. He us a broken man because he doesn't want to lose his life or have people know just how sleazy he is.

Help him through this ?

What ?

Will you have to police him forever ? Monitor all his behaviour ? Hold him back from webcamming his knob to fuck knows who ?

Formally seperate and let him sort his own shit out. The man is a fucking liability.

Sleepy I echo the question...help him through what? Not to put too fine a point on it, he has proved himself more than capable of helping himself. Do not fall for his little boy lost shit. You know first hand that he is a consulate, practised liar.

It's not as if you had a fabulous marriage worth saving. It was a shambles.

Look, I don't think I'm part of the LTB brigade but he's been cheating and lying for 12 years! 12 years ffs!!

Kick him out. Use that space to get your thinking head on.

I do not say this in isolation. As an esoteric theory. I have very first hand experience of the self same thing. And I can tell you something sobering, your self esteem may never recover if you allow him to get away with this. You will spend your life on pins. Questioning yourself. And doubting him.