Honestly WWYD - found DH on dating sites and more x

[Sleepyheadx]

Ok weve been married almost 25 years.
Not a happy marriage tbh.
Definitely lack of intimacy.
12 years ago I found DH looking at porn. I was heavily pregnant and went babanas tbh. My BFF then calmed me down told me it was entirely normal to an extent and I eventually saw it a little more logically.
Agreed that if he wanted to look on occasions was ok but no secrecy (he had put passwords on everything ) and i then even offered to watch some with him.

He knew how much it upset me but I gave him my ok within limits I think .

For the last 12 years our sex life has been dreadful. I assumed he didn't fancy me . I asked him to go to the doctors when he said it wasn't my fault he was just always tired. I offered to go with him.He wouldn't go.

Last week I wasn't snooping because I have never ever had reason to. I cant remember how I think his e mail was open not mine when I saw an e mail which sent alarm bells - it was for a website called flirtomatic.I clicked the link and his picture and everything was on a profile.
Now rightly or wrongly I was that gutted I trawled through everything and this is what ive discovered.
Hes been on dating sites / chat rooms for 12 years judging by e mail history.
Hes on at least 8 dating sites.
He has another mobile telephone .
He is a regular on porn sites.
On the one site he is listed as being separated for a year.
I logged in on his profile and he was chatting to girls until 2.30 in the morning , at 7 in the morning and on and off during the day. When I say chatting it was completely sexual-some not so - but many were so.
This is a man who I have asked for a couple of years what the hell he does in the bathroom for an hour in the morning but was only joking because no one could in and know I know !).
Now I went 1 step further which is totally wrong I know but I did.
I set up my own profile and was chatting to him.
I was off work sick ( not really ill just gutted and couldn't function ), so he brings me a cup of coffee in bed and goes back down to his office-where he then tells me hes going to put his cock in my mouth and shoot his load !! ( not obviously realising the other person was me his wife upstairs ) I asked him if he wanted to do some pictures with me and he said yes and gave me his e mail address- he has several I knew nothing about.
This all happened over a week ago.
He knows I hate lies and truth always wins-I have asked him to look me in the eye and tell me hes not hiding anything-he knows im ending our marriage and ive given him several opportunities to own up. It sounds crazy but im such a stickler for truth and after all these years he knows dam well right or wrong that if he owned up id address what is probably some sort of porn addiction and go with him for councelling.
Ive noticed that there is a lock down on everything. I mean we have several laptops ( teenagers ) ipads phones ect and everything of his is suddenly password protected.
This all feels horrid.
I cant stand the thought of him getting off with these women who it seems hes actually got to know online when all the time I thought he was gay or that I was just ugly to him.
Am I overreacting wanting to end this marriage ?

Consulate = consummate.

Though I'm sure with his ability to be slippery and economic with the truth a diplomatic career would be perfect!

So he hasn't met up with anyone? Sorry, I don't believe that. In twelve years he probably has.

Hello sleepy. Hope you're ok x

No, you are not bailing out too quick. He's lied, deceived you, cheated on you and probably put your health at risk for 12 years! 12 years! He's not sorry he did any of that, he's only sorry he got caught. Chances are he hasn't admitted to everything, cheaters generally don't admit everything, for all you know it could be even worse than what you actually know.

I too am in a similar situation, only my DH has been doing this with transsexuals and gays and dressing in my underwear! He has Been doing this the whole 5 years we have been together it transpires. I accidentally opened a secret email account (he had not logged out so it just opened when I typed in hotmail). I found him on these porn sites and chatting to other men and that he has been performing on public webcams!

I had him move out for 2 weeks and felt a lot brighter while he was gone. The problem is we get on as friends and I am very confused about what to do.

I can't really advise but personally i would confront him with the evidence. He will probably lie, my DH claimed he had a memory loss which was bullshit as I googled his username and found him on lots more sites

Do u know if your DH has met up with anyone. That would be a deal breaker for me but 12 years is still cheating

This is such prolonged lying, deception and betrayal that I personally couldn't be with him any more. The bit where you said that he told you he was going to come in your mouth, thinking you were a woman he'd never met as opposed to his wife, is vile. How dare a married man behave in such a disgusting way? I'd have thrown all of his stuff out of the windows and kicked him out. I can promise you, in fact, because I've been there and I did do.

Bailing out too quick??? FGS you've waited 12 years too long by the sound of it.

He's gone to work today with his bag in the car to stay at his parents until Monday ( can't stay the in week as would mean 200 mile trip to work ).
he's arranged this with his parents indefinitely at my request until we have enough money to sort another house so he can co parent .
He has apologised and I know he means it .
No excuse I know .
He has offered to never have a computer or smartphone again .
He really never met anyone but listened when I tried to tell him that eventually that is what it would have led to.
He is ashamed embarked and remorseful.
I know he cries every day because his eyes are puffy.
he has lost his entire family life and me.

I really see what everyone is saying on here and I need honestly but the flip side is we have 4 dc and an almost 25 year relationship ( I'm 43 ) .
I feel immense pain at hurting him and cry myself most of the day.
I know he wasn't thinking of us when he did what he did but is this totally un salvageable ?
Am I bonkers looking at him and thinking omg he's a broken man. I actually feel sorry for him. e has aged 15 years in a couple of weeks .
Am I only seeing what he wants me to see ?
This is so hard x

...am going slightly against the grain here, but I think this may be salvageable...

1. This is an addiction and needs treating - he is addicted to this and lack of normal s ex drive backs this up.
2. He needs therapy and needs to move on and drop the addiction
3. if this occurs, yes it's salvageable. If not, like any other addiction I'd move on.

Skeepy. Think about what you have said about your "relationship".

It was already "a shamble" and "not very happy" before you found out about this.

Can you face that for another 20 years, with the added bonus of you not trusting him, knowing he's a sleazeball, that he has no respect for you, and on top of that, knowing that you rolled over and allowed him to get away with it. Does that sound like a wonderful future to you?

And of course he's crying. He's been found out! He stands to lose his nice home life!

But what has he said that he's going to do to rebuild your trust in him. What is he goingt o do to make your lives and relationship better? How is he going to tackle this addiction he has and become a better man?

Or is he too busy giving you the little boy lost shit to actually care about what he has to do to make this right

Think about this logically, he's been in the same relationship you are in.

Have you chosen to lie for the past 12 years?

Have you chosen to ignore the boundaries and do whatever the hell you wanted to anyway?

That's not an addiction and it gets me very angry when the word addiction is misused. He CHOSE to put himself first, not just once, but over a period of years because he didn't respect you enough to stick to your boundaries.

For it to be salvageable, you'd need to accept and forgive a lot of things. The main one is how long it has gone on, because 12 years is plenty of time for him to feel guilt and stop, or confess, or get help, but he didn't. Judging by the horrible email that he unknowingly wrote to you, he actually enjoyed it and was very actively involved in it all until right now. Can something be salvaged if the other person isn't ready to give it up of their own accord? The other is the lying- claiming he is separated is serious. He will have to work so hard to prove that he can be trusted again. I think the hardest thing here is whether he really deserves to be forgiven and for the marriage to continue: he's shown what he thinks of your marriage by claiming he's separated and by telling other women what he wants to do to them. You've already said it's not intimate. What do you get from him- and I don't mean practical aspects like financial stability and the house, because you could achieve that with most men- I mean what do you really get in return for your commitment to him as a wife, and what emotional benefits does he bring to you? I guess what I'm asking is, is he actually worth being married to? Is it worth working hard to salvage it? Is he what you want from a husband in other ways, which ultimately outweigh what he has done? The unfair thing about all of this is that you'll feel responsible if you decide to split or if you decide down the line that you can't forgive and forget, whereas it is all his own doing: every time he opened one of his many sex chat accounts up, he was taking that risk all on his own.

"Addiction" ?

Give over

redroomthank you I keep reading your post x

Hi sleepyhead.
If it were me and I wanted to salvage the relationship (and I am not sure that I would) I would definitely want him to address his porn addiction.

It does seem from what you have written, that it may have become an addiction. IE just from the amount of time he has devoted to it and the fact he is now behind with work. This problem has been highlighted a lot in the media recently and it is acknowledged that it can become addictive, particularly the online stuff.

I would also want couple counseling of some sort.

I feel sorry for your position as either getting rid of him or attempting to keep the marriage by changing his behavior, is going to be painful.

Sending you a virtual hug.

You're most welcome. How are you feeling about things today? X

Hi Sleepy

Have some time to yourself to digest what has happened - don't make any rash decisions yet.

Allow yourself to take as much time as YOU need not your husband. You have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be made to feel you have to make any decisions yet.

I am sure he is very sorry - sorry that he has been caught, rather than sorry he has caused you so much pain and anguish and probably needs to come to terms with what he has done - not just to himself, but to you, and your family and immediate family.

Things have changed forever and it's not up to anyone what YOU decide. But do take time to decide what you can and cannot live with and put up with.

Please take the time to rebuild some self confidence and self esteem before you take him back - from past experience I learned that if I had more self confidence I would've left my cheating EX LONG before I found out for certain. (he had a way of making me see HIS logic)

I don't think he has a porn addiction. I think he knew exactly what he was up to - the secret phone and email addresses make sure of that - please don't let him make you think he is the victim in all of this.

I wish you well with your choice and I hope you can hold your head up high and believe in yourself and have enough courage to tell this man where he can stick his apology.

You deserve SO much better than this. SO much better.
xxx

If it's to be saved then he has a hell of a lot of work to do, the fact he has been lying and deceiving you for 12 years would indicate that he is just not capable so I don't see a rosy future, his behaviour displays clearly that he is not wanting to be in a relationship, he obviously likes to play the field going by what you have posted, not really nice behaviour from a married man or in fact any person in a relationship.

I don't really know what you can do to save it, if there's even anything worth saving, sorry, don't mean to sound harsh, I think once you've had more time to digest it all, you may see things a bit more clearly and realise that it's time to move on and being with him will bring you nothing but worry and hurt.

Thanks again. thanks for the virtual hug Ghost .
Well I've called up and requested a child tax credit claim pack so feel like that's a big stepin my head . I need to end this relationship as soon as possible . I don't think he's doing any of the date sites ect now . He hasn't had the respect to close down all of the sites or e mails though and I kind of hoped he might put his phone back on the side like he used to and take the passwords off his computer or at least leave them out as a gesture of some sort of sincerity .
It's going to be hard but I want more than anything to be a good mum and allowing our marriage to continue in this state is against every sort of message I want my children to see that a relationship should be made of ect.
It worried me when me met that his parents slept in separate bedrooms and they would have been relatively young then, prob mid 50,s .
he has happily slept on the couch many nights and there are other issues .Sex has been good but prob only half a dozen times a year ! Yes year !
He had dd room mon to thu and goes to his parents then fri to Mon. Dd is back from Uni for 2 weeks this week so will have to have a think. Somedays I feel tempted to bury my own head in the sand but thinking of my dc growing up in a house full of love respect and honesty ( but skint , ) keeps me focused.Other days I trawl through his various sites making myself cry trying to uncover everything .
Slowly I'm seeing him as a differrent person.
I have been partly to blame I'm sure and I have a horrid temper, but I do have morals and want me dc to have them too x

Really admire your strength Sleepy. I am still floundering and no further on.
Everything you say in your post is right.
Well done for being so brave.
Sending you lots of hugs.

Get him out. I divorced my now exDH for something like this (amongst other things). I could almost cope with the porn but it was the lies about how they got onto his laptop that made him look almost pitifully laughable. I wasn't looking. I found them by accident.

I got all the excuses under the sun including 'someone else must have used my laptop when I left it lying around and downloaded it all' WTF!!

You deserve more than this. Respect and compassion would be a good start.

what happened before has long gone. It's time to use this has a turning point in your life - not just your unhappy marriage, but for your quality and happiness in your own life now.

Bless your heart for thinking of every person in your household before your own feelings and sanity.

I respect and admire you for that no end - but there is a point where I believe your children will thrive more having a happy confident, savvy, respected mother than one who is constantly doubtful of herself, full of resentment and will no doubt become bitter towards their father for causing their mother so much pain and hurt.

This has happened to you for a reason, he has done this for a reason.

There are no excuses for his behaviour, and he needs time away from you all to think about what he has done.

Take one day at a time and sleep lots, eat well and drink lots of hot sweet tea (helps me)

if there is anything else you need to know just shout.

x

We all have faults but difference is not all of us are sleaze bags and utter bastards to our partners, in fact I'd go onto say this man is toxic and you need to get him out, he's hoping you will bury your head in the sand and he can go back to his sordid ways, in fact he probably has never stopped, it's his problem, it doesn't have to be yours.

You said it yourself, you actually have morals and respect for another human being to be able to conduct yourself in a honest and happy way, believe me, you will meet someone who thinks exactly that. Your OH can't change unless he has a full frontal lobotomy.

As for being skint, don't know if you have a spare room but a lodger or in fact foreign students are a good way of making fast money.