PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(

[MrsC1969HJ]

I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own ?.

I love big knickers, too! Comfy, cozy, big knickers that don't ride up your….oh, better change the subject !

I seriously don't think any judge will look kindly upon someone who has impoverished his children (and their mother). I try very hard not to tar all men with the same brush, but it certainly seems that a whole lot of men pull this same kind of stunt. Where does that come from? Did they all have wankers as fathers? Is it the media (movies, books etc)? It doesn't seem to matter if they're rich as Croesus or as poor as church mice. The common thread that seems to connect them is that they think it's OK to just leave their families to flounder whilst they live the life of Riley. I'll never understand it.

Across, you are so right. Disgraceful! I hope you ladies are all well, sorry I have been so quiet, I had a really busy week and need to update with developments which I will do tomorrow when I am back from visiting my family. Suffice to say he remains a total wanker and every day does something that is breathtaking in its' stupidity! Yawn...:-D x

Glad to 'see' you. Hope you had a good night's rest. It's hotter that beelzebub at my house (105 f) so we have decamped to Lake Tahoe the Sierra Nevada Mtns where it's only 82 f. Right now I would trade places with any of you for your lovely mild summers!

Maybe we should coin the phrase "Wanker is as wanker does"?

Well, I do appreciate that too hot is horrible but, frankly, Pond, our 'lovely mild summers' are a pita - wait all year for summer and it romps through a few days and that's it, another year of waiting

So delighted he is stupid. It makes it a whole lot 'easier' for you in the long run

springy guess it's a case of 'grass is always greener', eh? If we could only trade places for a week or so, ha.

I must echo springy in hoping for a continuation of the wankering twattishness. Let him keep digging his own grave.

It's great to see you doing an online yawn in response, such a change from how you were early on. Hope you have a great time with your family and get a slice of the fab weather that they're forecasting for tomorrow!

The grass is certainly greener here, Pond, what with all the rain and all . The last time I went to the states we flew away from a heatwave in blighty and it was bliss to get away from it (no more sleeping on the landing struggling for breath - us brits don't have aircon, of course that would be a joke ) so I do commiserate, really, I was just having a sulk. Lake Tahoe, eh, you lucky girl

I hope I get to your side of the Pond someday rain or no rain. Tahoe is beautiful but your Lake District is just as beautiful from pictures and google earth. My country's beauty is so different than yours. The UK's beauty seem like a mother's hug. Soft and inviting. Ours is more based on big and bold. Different but equal beauty. Hmmm, guess I've had too much sun today (and mojitos). Next I'll be writing poetry.

What rhymes with 'wankering twattishness'?

Same here I am horrified. Same as all the advice above, best not reply to them, keep communication to the necessary. Remember all things will pass, however unlikely that May seem at present.

eh???

It's a glorious day here Mrs (and Pond!), I hope it's gorgeous where you are, too. I've my washing on the line already so I'm happy. Little things...

LOL! Come back here and it's like an article from National Geographic!! I love you girls :-). Wankering Twattishness. Perfect! Thank you for posting bacchanalwoman....you're right of course and I hold onto that every day!

Right, have downloaded Form A and started a thread in legal. Discovered that credit cards are actually Amex and Platinum Visa...what? On a salary of £7.5K that he says he earns. Tosser. He's now reinstated his solicitor and I will deal with her directly (amazing, he was so broke he couldn't afford one last week!). Cut off all contact now, including the "emergency number" and his email address as I am "harrassing him" asking difficult questions about his finances while I am on income support. He has also said that I have "refused mediation and I will make it clear to the court"...oh right, he sat there for 4 months being a prick but because I wouldn't waste another 2 hours of my life on more of the same I am "refusing". Whatever. Even the mediator was pissed off. So, let's see what happens next...!! x

Hello Mrsc is your son still having contact with his Dad or has it been stopped for the moment? Seems that walk in the park was all about damage control because he knew you were going to learn about his finances.
Hope your having a good day otherwise.

You didn't refuse mediation, you gave it a fair shot. When it was clear that there was no more progress to be made you called a halt to it.

Actually, I didn't even give it a fair shot as the introductory session was enough to convince me it wasn't going to help, but the court didn't blink an eye about it. XH had this wonderful scenario in his head where he would stand up and state to the judge that I was the one who was being totally unreasonable by trying to break up the family, refusing mediation and planning to run off with large numbers of young men; whereupon the judge would say of course you are completely in the right of it Mr Gun, refuse my application for divorce and order me to carry on paying all the household expenses. You know what? It didn't happen like that at all. And nor will yours.

You refused mediation? He just gets better and better, doesn't he? I hope you are keeping records of all this, because when it's in the past you could write a brilliant Wendy Holden style comedy about it and make a ton of money. Does he not realise that all you have to do is ask for a statement from the mediator and he'll be blown out of the water like a paper boat?

At least you aren't letting him get to you emotionally any more, in your recent posts you sound completely disengaged from him. That's a much healthier position for you to be in. Just don't start thanking him for taking you there, OK?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hoo boy! Mr Wankering Twattishness (Mr WT for short) just made me snort my morning coffee out my nose! I seriously don't think I've ever heard of someone with as bad a case of self delusion as he. Well, maybe one, BFF's ex. Both BFF & he were 'in pro per' at the hearing and he actually stood up in court and began telling the judge what he (the judge) needed to do and 'how it will be set up'. BFF & I later said it was worth the price of admission just to see the dressing down he got. Even today (20+ years later) we still use some of his more memorable quotes to make us laugh.

It's almost too bad Mr WT will have representation because he'd likely do the same. But seriously, hopefully his sol will realize that she'll make herself look silly if she goes to court and presents his twaddle as truth!

Onwards and upwards, MrsC, and try not to laugh too loud in court. Eyerolls and smirks are acceptable though.

Hi all! LBZT, he hasn't seen his Dad because of Dad's holiday. Supposed to be tomorrow but have heard nothing. So will see a.m. Yes walk in the park - no wonder he was so skittish!! Annie you're right, I did everything I could, pointless carrying on with somebody who just won't cooperate. I am heartened by your experience! I may come to you for some advice in due course :-). Point, yes have come on leaps and bounds, just feel angry now, those two bastards have stolen 8 months of my life I will never get back. I am sure this affair was going on pre-accident, looking more likely by the day. Mediator issuing necessary paperwork, she knows I did what I could. So many have said I should write a book...I think I will! Across LOL you always make me laugh, I do hope Mr WT and "Sagpuss" are ready. I hope I get this right, am just working through it all ready to write to his sol, then will take it from there.

Anyway, tonight I want to tell you a story : Once upon a time, a man bought his DSD a mobile phone contract for her birthday with a company called, for story's sake, Bodge Mobile. On leaving, the man cancelled the contract after a couple of months and confirmed same. Mum replaced contract with a new provider. Fast forward to 6 months later and Mum finds a rogue direct debit in bank account with Bodge. Knowing she has no contract with Bodge she rings them up and discovers that a man purporting to be the original contract holder had called them up to move a direct debit into his "wife's" personal account. Man then hands phone to "female" who confirms all bank details and date of birth. Mum then pays contract unaware for 6 months. Bodge immediately cancel the contract and advise police and contact with bank. Bank very helpful and refund all monies immediately. Man denies anything to do with him. Clear case of fraud by misrepresentation. Notes and recording of the transaction are available. Contract had a year to run and it appears man didn't want to have to pay it so decided to deal with it in this very stupid way even when Mum was in financial difficulty. Fast foward to last Friday, Mum gets a phonecall from bank saying man wishes to remove his name from joint bank account that is used for one transaction a month and which has no cards or chequebooks. She advises that she can't take the name off but can close the account and where would Mum like to move her direct debits to? Mum confirms there is only one, for council tax. Lady from bank says "oh no, there is one here for Bodge Mobile that was set up on 30 May 2014". So man tries new tactic to avoid paying contract and then tries to remove his name. Game is up. The End.

Comments?! :-) x

Fuuuuuuuck!! He's just the bad joke that keeps on giving, isn't he? However, this is just more ammo he is handing you for when you finally meet in court. I'm so sorry he's putting you through financial hardship, but he has now committed fraud - and put the noose firmly around his own neck. This will look really, really bad for him.

I wish I could come over and give you a massive bowl of ice cream with all the trimmings and then listen to you rant about him. However, I will have to settle for being in awe of you for the way you are handling this and secretly enjoying the sitcom, does he have any idea he is turning into comedy gold?

mrsc I have to admit I have had a couple of glasses of wine here..and I have had to read your post x3 and read it to my DH the grand conclusion WTF!! sorry wish I could add some depth to my answer but I fail here maybe I'll try again in the morning after a large coffee!!!

Oh MrsC he is as thick as shit and twice as lumpy isn't he? He is so arrogant and thinks he is untouchable - how wrong he is! I want to poke him and laugh in his stupid face so that is what I am doing mentally at the moment (in my mind he looks like Catweasel).

Ha ha! I thought you'd all like that one! So....that is ongoing...and will keep you posted with the next chapter. Loving the catweasel pic...I actually wish he did look like that, would make things a lot easier! So, from the land of "You Couldn't Make it Up", I will say goodnight and see you tomorrow :-) xx

(didn't need those last two but 1. gobsmacked and 2. thought I'd try out those jolly icons)

Well done batgirl

Mr WT is just unbelievable. I'd like to kick his head which is like a full of air so far he'd need to ride a to retrieve it!

Obviously he keeps his little brain in his 'little head'. Too bad they don't have an icon for THAT!

Hope the police are involved. Too many people get away with fraud these days.

Hi just unbelievable isn't he.

He has no money to support his son above the bare minimum, only earnt 7.5k yet is on another holiday and has 2 credit cards which you need to earn a minimum amount above what he says he earning.

Cut of all ways of contact so he can not now contact you about seeing his son. And I would go out today with you DS, and not reply to any text or phone calls from Mr WT other then to contact you via your solicitor.

I can not wait to all their shit hit the fan and everyone in your area finds out exactly what they are like and what they have done.

Oh ladies, it just gets better and better. Turned up today to collect DS, off he went for his 2 1/2 hours. Then tonight I received this (please note all recent events, threats and God knows what else, this is like a repeat of the walk in the park). Have only name changed where necessary and grammar and spellling is his own effort just to be clear. The paranoia and it's "all about me" attitude actually stuns me, even now!!!

Email from Mr WT :

We have such a special little boy who is loved so much by us both but
don't you think that this hate you have for me and the stress that is
been caused is not doing going to help .

I know you hate me , I know how much I have hurt you MrsC , that is very very clear. We are seven months on and I really feel the only
person effected is our little boy. I understand i have turned all
lives up side down.

Do what you need to through court , its really is no issue to me but
both our failing health is not ever going to help our very special
boy. Report after report comes back stating discharged , because he is
just a normal special boy. You can keep hating me for ever I really
don't care but please for the sake of our son we need to act as
parents.

You feel i am hiding so much but the reality will come out and there
is know hidden moneys, you can try your best to get funds of OW
but I will walk out the door before that ever happens, what will you
gain then , my rent would be 800 + . more outgoings means less income
to you.

I am living on the income from his client only no other work, I would
love to work more but my migrains are now a weekly problem which has
resulted in further scans. I will ensure through life insurance you
are left ok if any thing happens to me but please lets not keep this
very stressful tension up. do what you want with the courts my only
income is his client less materials , accountancy costs, and book
keeping costs.

You can continue to try and destroy me but the fact is its not good
for DS, everything else is in the past and the only thing that
should matter is DS.

I now have solicitors costs again and draw a small salary , no
corporation tax will be paid in july so as from august the tax man
will be chasing me, i have ran my salary through the CSA calculator
and i am paying you much more than require but all you do is stick the
knife in perhaps I should be the same and pay what the calculator
states 191.00 .

Do what you need to but please for the sake of DS please stop
being hostile, I can not talk to you about him , can not ask about my
concerns , can not get feed back.

yes there is spelling mistakes in above bad grammar and more but at
the moment things are starting to fail and i will keep you informed as
I get further info.

I never ever meant to cause you this stress , I was just very unhappy
and I am so sorry to have caused you more pain than words will ever
describe , I have said so many times I am sorry and I am very sorry.

to continue this stress will only end in more pain .

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! He says report after report comes back "discharged"...WTF? That is utter nonsense! The only thing that recently came back was they decided not to proceed with speech therapy any further as MY efforts with him had made a huge difference. What a twat. Also, OW's money?! It was only a couple of months ago he said OW would be paying my maintenance when he couldn't. Methinks Mr WT doth protest too much! It is amazing that he keeps turning everything onto me and my "hate" and my "stress", when he has caused all of this and done it all to himself! WTF can you say to that?! He has forgotten that his dividends were not included in the CSA calculator (spoke to CMS yesterday, they should be, hence he has been hugely underpaying me). The other day he told me he would only speak through solicitors, yet is now complaining about it. He is suggesting he has a brain tumour isn't he? That wouldn't surprise me. Now, I know I shouldn't have, but my God did he get a rant back. He can fuck off. I told it like it was. I couldn't help it. Made me feel better :-) xx

Everything, EVERYTHING from now on goes through your solicitor (send her this too), including arrangements for your DS. Disengage from him as much as possible.

I was scammed by a Tunisian some years ago. When I found out he tried everything to get back into my good books again, including saying he had a brain tumour. Do these men share a handbook "How to push a caring person's buttons to get what you want"?

He may not look like Catweasel on the outside but he sure does on the inside!