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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left after 17 years together. What next?

35 replies

QuiteSo · 15/03/2014 08:43

In January I had a thread about discovering my husband's affair with a younger colleague. Now he's moved out, and is coming to pick up his stuff today.
We have 2 DC.
I'm in another European country and the financial arrangements are pretty poor for separation and divorce. From next year I'll be in financial difficulties.
Tomorrow it's my birthday.
If it weren't for my DC I think I would kill myself.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 08:47

Firstly, so sorry you're going through this and feeling so low.

Do you have support where you are? Any chance of you coming back to the uk?? Would that help you?

You WILL get through this and you will be ok. I promise.

Do you have plans for your birthday?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 08:49

Sorry you're in this situation. Even though the conventions are different where you are regarding finance and divorce, is there the option of talking to your ex and reaching a private agreement? It's his children that would be suffering after all.

Are you originally from the UK and is returning to be with family an option?

Original poster
QuiteSo · 15/03/2014 08:49

Can't return to the UK because of custody. Am stuck here till youngest DC turns 18.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 08:51

Ok...do you have a full life there? Good friends and support?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 08:52

Custody with no reciprocation of financial support?... Sorry, but I think you can safely ignore that. Your DCs and your wellbeing come first and currently, you are suicidal because of abandonment and financial hardship. Return to the UK, get a good lawyer and then let him argue the toss from whatever backward nation you are unfortunate to find yourself in.

FetchezLaVache · 15/03/2014 08:53

Lawyer up- it isn't necessarily the country of residence that determines the regime. Have a look here. The UK isn't participating in this enhanced cooperation (for a change!), but that bit about the rush to court sounds potentially quite interesting.

Original poster
QuiteSo · 15/03/2014 09:05

I have a lawyer. I'll get some financial support but substantially less than under English law, my own fault I guess for moving abroad and marrying a foreigner.
I have small support network here but not much. Husband was my main support and now he's dumped me and I feel like shit. I just think that if I died it would be easier all round, except obviously for my DC.
I know my husband is a cheating bastard but we had many good years together and now I'm all alone and I don't know how to carry on.

OP posts:
lemmingcurd · 15/03/2014 09:28

You need to speak to a UK lawyer ASAP. I don't know how old your DCs are but what he is expecting of you is utterly outrageous. If you feel you would be able to make a good life in the country you are in and that it would be better for your DCs then that's one thing, if you are doing it because you feel you have no choice then please explore all legal avenues.
Speaking as someone in similar situation re international custody. You will get through this but you HAVE to get legal advice.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 09:43

Dying would be a waste. Not just for your dc bit for you! Life seems bleak now, I understand that but it won't always be like this.

I'm not sure if its possible but can you calm the Samaritans from abroad? Is there an equivalent support where you live?? Talk to someone.

Do you have family in the uk that you can come and have a break with? Stay for a few weeks? It'll do you good to be with people who love you. A little holiday for the dc's and a break for you.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 09:44
  • call not calm
iggy155 · 15/03/2014 09:48

Hon. Suicide is NOT an option. You're DC's have already lost their dad. They don't need to lose their mummy too. Hope you have someone in RL to talk things thru with. Sending Thanks for your birthday x

hamptoncourt · 15/03/2014 09:58

Keep talking to us, mumsnet is brilliant at sustaining people through periods like this when it looks so bleak. Do you also have anyone in RL you can talk to, even on the phone?

How old are your DC? Do you have their passports? I agree with Cogito, as usual, and I would get the hell out of there and sort out the details later.

Don't drink any alcohol. Can you get outside and get some fresh air? I know it all sounds a bit lame but a bit of exercise will release endorphins and it will help a little bit. Also, try journaling it all out, how you feel, what has happened, what a bastard he is. Just expressing yourself this way can help, especially if you can find something funny to write about him.

When I split from last ex I wrote out a big list "A BIG LIST OF CUNTYS MANY FAULTS" and even now, what I wrote on that list makes me and my closest friends giggle.

This will get better, I promise.

Original poster
QuiteSo · 15/03/2014 10:08

My family have been great and I've been speaking to my mum on the phone but none of it changes the fact of being cheated on and abandoned and now having to deal with all the fallout.
I have good days and bad days, I should count my blessings really but it's hard.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 15/03/2014 10:14

Write your blessings down Quiteso. Actually list them out. It's a positive therapy.

Could you stay with your mum for a bit if you came home to UK?

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 10:21

I agree with cog too actually, wrong or not I'd move back to the uk and see what happened.

itmightwork · 15/03/2014 10:46

Sorry you are facing this. I think it is normal to have good days and bad days but gradually the good will outnumber the bad. You are 3 months in at the moment and I'm sure you feel at your lowest.

Focus on anything and everything that makes you feel ok and lean on your mum. Still remember to take one day at a time but please check your legal options.

And plan to do something for your birthday tomorrow - even a walk with the kids for tea and cake.x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/03/2014 10:48

I know my husband is a cheating bastard but

Stop right there, that is him, and by the sound of it he has no shame, no regrets. I don't think you should be the one feeling shit. Be strong for your DCs, the mundane everyday stuff will force you to put one foot in front of the other. Take one day at a time.

If the OW is/was a colleague, what a cliché. I bet he spent more time sneaking around with her contriving late nights and 'business trips' than he did with the DCs so don't waste a moment regretting Daddy fucking off.

I am sorry your financial predicament isn't healthy but he really isn't worth your tears. Keep your friends close, once he has moved in with her and you don't put up a fight for his lying ass he might feel expansive, inclined to be generous about the DCs' welfare. I doubt the gf will want kiddies spoiling the love nest so I bet he won't be quibbling about custody.

Jaynebxl · 15/03/2014 10:50

Can you at least come back to UK for a holiday? See friends and family, have a break, see a uk lawyer...

AtSea1979 · 15/03/2014 10:52

Can u not book a holiday to uk and whilst here speak to solicitors etc and work out your rights?

tb · 15/03/2014 11:26

I'm not sure for definite, but I think if you're from different eu countries you have a choice where you file for divorce.

Might be worth a post in legal.

I know this as a friend thought of filing for divorce in the UK rather than France as it would have been better financially.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 11:33

OP you sound totally despairing and . Do get yourself and your DCs back to family. If you're in a European (EU) country there is nothing to stop you taking an extended holiday and talking to a UK lawyer when you get back. They're meant to be impartial but a foreign lawyer used to their own conventions will not have your interests uppermost. You owe your ex nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 11:34

What country is it?

whattodoforthebest2 · 15/03/2014 11:45

Hi OP, such a difficult situation - sadly there are many on here that have been through it. Keep writing - there's loads of support and help on here. MN can be an amazing source of strength.

Try and make tomorrow as good as it can be, for your kids and for yourself.

Thanks
Copenhagenmum · 15/03/2014 11:49

I'm more of a lurker but saw your post OP and felt very much for you.
It will get better - you will one day feel OK again. You may not feel it now but time is a healer. When my ex-dh left after revealing a string of affairs (most with women that I knew or had met through his work), I felt as if my world had completely shattered and there were some very bad days with very negative thinking, just like your post. I had just moved from England so had very little support network.
Please be kind to yourself - and try look after yourself as you would look after a friend who is going through such a traumatic time. Do something positive every day, not matter how small. And go see a lawyer - the more you know about your situation, the stronger you will feel.

CoteDAzur · 15/03/2014 11:57

"get the hell out of there and sort out the details later."

Sorry but that is actually very bad advice. The first thing that her H will do will be to report parental abduction and OP risks losing custody of her DC. (This happened to a girl I know. She can now only see her DD when her XH allows her)

That link about divorcing couples being able to divorce under UK law only applies if both parents want it to. Otherwise, divorce happens under the laws of where they have been living. (A friend thought she could start divorce proceedings in the UK when on holiday with her DS. UK lawyer actually said she could which turned out to be bad advice. Husband reported her for parental abduction although she had a return ticket. Court barred from contact with her DS for weeks. She had to agree to some pretty outrageous stuff and divorce went badly for her, because she "abducted" their DS).