Husband left after 17 years together. What next?

[QuiteSo]

In January I had a thread about discovering my husband's affair with a younger colleague. Now he's moved out, and is coming to pick up his stuff today.
We have 2 DC.
I'm in another European country and the financial arrangements are pretty poor for separation and divorce. From next year I'll be in financial difficulties.
Tomorrow it's my birthday.
If it weren't for my DC I think I would kill myself.

Please don't encourage the OP to leave the country she is in. She could get into a huge pile of trouble if she is in a Hague Convention country - she would be considered a child abductor.

However it may be possible to file for divorce in the UK, and I would look into this asap if I were you OP. It may also be possible for you to move back to the UK if you can make a case you can't support yourself and your children in the country you're in - get legal advice.

Thanks for all your messages. I have a decent lawyer and it's not possible to apply English law to my case for various reasons.

DonkeysDont, you're right, the affair was the ultimate cliché with a colleague, including fake business trips and ignoring DC for months as too busy shagging her most evenings.

Ironically, now he's moved out he's spending more time with DCs than before including booking afternoon s off work to take them on outings, cinema, McDonald's etc. So the DCs seem fairly happy, it's just me who's falling apart.

The new leaf regarding the DCs is probably designed to assuage any guilt and show any colleagues or his family what a nice guy he is. What a phoney.

Can you make plans for tomorrow, even if you are not in the mood for levity it will reassure your DCs life with Mum is going on and 'normal' life is continuing. Later a contrast between you and Disney dad may be stark but it would rile me to give exH any notion you are missing him too much to acknowledge your own birthday.

I've promised the kids we'll go to the cinema on my birthday so that will be a nice outing I hope.

I suppose I'm still in the stage of denial that he would leave me after so many years and 2 DC, and in the cruellest way possible, by fucking another woman who obviously meant more to him than our shared life together. And now he gets to play Disney dad while I lie awake at 4am thinking of suicide.

You'll start to see a whole new side to him in the coming weeks and months - the person you thought you knew will sadly disappear from sight. I found (after the same cliched scenario) that not only did I see through the pretence gradually, but my DC did too. A very sad situation, but several years on they've realised what he's like. The best thing you can tell yourself is that at least you're putting your children's wellbeing first - you know how much they need you - and that will pay its own dividends in future.

The awful thing is he's acting all nice and reasonable and says he doesn't understand why I'm still so angry (about his massive betrayal and all the horrible lies he told). I suppose he's already moved on mentally. And the Disney dad thing may just be an act.

The Disney dad is an act, of course - the novelty will wear off for him and in all likelihood the OW will start demanding even more of his attention. He won't understand why you're angry because he's made everything make sense in his mind, and he's had time to get accustomed to the idea too.

You have some tough times ahead, but you will get through it and slowly things will start to get better. Speak to your RL friends too, sometimes support comes from the most unlikely places.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat.

Happy Birthday! Hope you had a lovely day with your children.x

Happy Birthday from me too.

Happy Birthday QS - hope you've had a good day today x