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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH on grindr - Update from Sept 2013

28 replies

bonniescot123 · 15/03/2014 00:25

I posted Last September when I discovered DH's profile on grindr (gay hook up site). I received a lot of support and wanted to update you all. Well 1) I got the all clear at clap clinic.
2) DH continued to deny he'd DTD (his STD results also clear. 3) DH declared love etc and put pressure on me about effects on kids..4) I developed mild depression. 5) Not proud of this so don't flame me but had affair with a man 10 years my junior since Dec .6) DH and I still married. He knows about my affair. DH has accepted and acknowledged that he has all but destroyed me and expects me to divorce him but has been a devoted husbsnd. I am biding my time....possibly weak....he is a great dad.. I am obviously not that strong. I will leave him but it may be a few months yet. xx

OP posts:
AbleAble · 15/03/2014 02:01

Oh dear.

AbleAble · 15/03/2014 02:02

why did you shag someone? how long were you having sex with the OM?

Aussiemum78 · 15/03/2014 03:28

Only you can decide when it's right to leave, take care of yourself.

bragmatic · 15/03/2014 04:14

I think I remember you. Take care. X

Logg1e · 15/03/2014 06:40

It's good to hear from you and have an update but I'm wondering what you want from the thread. How can we help?

Lweji · 15/03/2014 07:27

Are you looking for some reality check and a wake up slap?

Or for a poor you response?

Did you want to hurt him with the affair? How did he get to know about it?

You do need to work out what you want. It may be that you need to ask him to leave while you figure out what to do.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 07:33

Why did you start seeing someone? Is it a revenge thing or a 'I'm moving on' thing??

You sound detached from the relationship already. If its over, what's stopping you from ending it?

RedFocus · 15/03/2014 07:40

Personally I can see why you had the affair and if the marriage is dead then it's not like it's going to make it worse. Hurry up and leave though because waiting around until you feel ready is selfish.

MichaelFinnigan · 15/03/2014 07:48

How are the kids doing ?

Offred · 15/03/2014 08:10

He's being a good husband because he is desperate not to lose his family man facade not because he loves and is attracted to you. If he was bi it is not likely he'd be seeking extra marital gay affairs on grindr (unless he was a sexually incontinent twat), the fact he was and is now desperately trying to convince you to not divorce him makes me believe he is gay and in denial tbh.

Leave.

Sooner rather than later, this instability is no good for any of you and he needs to confront his issues with himself sooner rather than later IMO.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/03/2014 08:24

Have you discussed with your husband why he did this? Is he gay?
Or is he bisexual and was simply curious? Obviously it is still wrong but if he has had these feeling you can discuss them and work out what he wants. Sexuality can be confusing but if he is bi he may still

LovesPeace · 15/03/2014 17:05

So much unhappiness for/from both of you.

I think you need to start planning a different life for all of you (not together).

str8tothepoint · 15/03/2014 17:14

Leave the pathetic man ASAP. I am on Grindr and have had an affair with a man in his position who turned out to be a cock loving monster. Your affair is irrelevant after finding out and going through this shit you needed a way out.

Sooner he's out of your home the better, do not believe his desperate stories they are all lies just to keep his 'gay reality' from coming out

Stay strong for you and your kids x

itsbetterthanabox · 15/03/2014 18:16

Str8. That isn't necessarily true. A bisexual person who has never had same sex experiences may look on sites like these to look more into their sexuality. I've seen threads on here about this very subject with bisexual women married to men and craving the experience. I think the stigma and misunderstanding associated with being bisexual is part of the issue. If you can be open and honest with your partner it isn't a big secret that eats a hole in you.

str8tothepoint · 15/03/2014 18:38

Bi now gay later

My analysis of 'straight' men on gay sites are that they are willing to cheat on women with men, not other women.

Experience tells me these guys are swinging more gay than straight or they'd be sleeping with women not just men alone

itsbetterthanabox · 15/03/2014 19:14

That is an incredibly insulting pov.
Many, many people are bisexual. Just because some gay people say they are bi first because they find it hard to come out doesn't mean all bi people are actually gay.
Op speak to him. Str8 doesn't know what he's on about. Men on Grindr don't represent the majority of gay or bi men. If you no longer want to be with your husband then ofc we all understand that but don't assume he is gay or that he doesn't love you it may be just be that he is struggling with his bisexuality.

Logg1e · 15/03/2014 19:19

With respect str8 you have had a very bad experience with one person off grindr and you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory.

Offred · 15/03/2014 19:33

There's a difference between bisexual and bi curious IMO. Bisexual people looking for same sex affairs whilst in hetero monogamous relationships are not doing it because they are bi IMO. They are just like any other cheater I think.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/03/2014 20:06

If someone is with a woman but had feelings that have never been expressed for men then why would they be cheating with women too? Obviously some people just cheat with anyone but a bi person looking into their sexuality would be interested in the men not other women.

Offred · 15/03/2014 20:13

Because they can get away with cheating with someone of the opposite sex to their partner much more easily tbh by doing a bit of handwringing. Also because society tends to be homophobic and likes to box people so when people start feeling things which they consider inconsistent with their designated box they believe they "have to explore" "to be sure", however I don't think people who are committed to fidelity actually do this behind their partner's backs and so no matter how misguided I personally think it is it wouldn't be cheating. People who cheat do so because they want to cheat.

Offred · 15/03/2014 20:17

It is even possible to be bisexual and polyamorous if you want, clearly! There's no need to cheat to explore your sexuality or to have more than one concurrent intimate relationship. The difference between cheaters and other people is just honesty and respect for their partner.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/03/2014 20:37

Oh I completely agree it is wrong the way he acted. I am bisexual but whether I cheated with a man or a woman I would still be cheating and it would still be equally wrong. I'm choosing to be in a monogamous relationship so should act accordingly. I'm just saying that this doesn't necessarily mean he is gay and that it is difficult for bisexual people to be open and honest with their partners because of homophobia and misunderstanding. People are quick to say any same sex attraction means gay.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 15/03/2014 20:40

Oh my goodness.

Hope your ok, sounds fucking shit op

Much

Original poster
bonniescot123 · 16/03/2014 00:42

Hi. Thanks everyone for your comments. I posted because I wanted to set it all out and see how bloody ridiculous it all looks. DH is a good man and his sexuality doesnt change that. I guess I had the fling to make him leave me but he is clinging on. Family life is good but emotionally we both need other things and well life is too short to live half a life. xxxx.

OP posts:
Deathwatchbeetle · 16/03/2014 07:07

Your husband put pressure on you because of effect on kids. Well he should of thought of that before going on those sites. You only have his word that he hasn't cheated!