My DH on grindr - Update from Sept 2013

[bonniescot123]

I posted Last September when I discovered DH's profile on grindr (gay hook up site). I received a lot of support and wanted to update you all. Well 1) I got the all clear at clap clinic.
2) DH continued to deny he'd DTD (his STD results also clear. 3) DH declared love etc and put pressure on me about effects on kids..4) I developed mild depression. 5) Not proud of this so don't flame me but had affair with a man 10 years my junior since Dec .6) DH and I still married. He knows about my affair. DH has accepted and acknowledged that he has all but destroyed me and expects me to divorce him but has been a devoted husbsnd. I am biding my time....possibly weak....he is a great dad.. I am obviously not that strong. I will leave him but it may be a few months yet. xx

Not sure his actions paint him as a particularly good man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, in my mind nothing ethically wrong with having more than one sexual partner at the same time either. What is wrong is dishonesty with and disrespect for people you have relationships with. A good man who was gay would come out to you, a good man who was bi curious or polyamorous would share those feelings with you. A good man does not advertise himself for sex, and very likely have secret and dishonest sex for a long while before. A good man doesn't sit by and watch these revelations destroying his wife. He doesn't pressure her into a relationship that is evidently so far broken it is now irreparable. All those actions are the actions of a weak, cowardly and selfish man.

Oh dear, it all sounds very messy. I think i remember you from last year. I certainly can't condone your affair but I understand that you must have had a very confusing and difficult few months. Is the affair will going on?
Wouldn't it be better just to end you marriage now and begin rebuilding your life? Your partner's sexuality is irrelevant now. You have both been unfaithful. You don't trust each other. You don't love each other. You will both be happier and better people if you are apart.
What are your plans?

Oh God you poor thing. I really really feel for you.

I know and understand just how hard it is to end it and leave it. My husband has been meeting random women for sex for years. I only found out recently (2nd time - he did the same 7 years ago). But for 2 months I have sat on my hands paralysed with what to do next. I know deep deep down that it has to be over because I will never ever trust him again but he is sorry, loves me and all that shit. So ending it is coming down to me and I am stalling. We are carrying blindly on in a weird kind of normal way (except he sleeps on the sofa).

I would have laughed in the face of anyone who told me I would react like this in this situation. I feel ashamed of myself but just paralysed with fear, apathy etc etc and just bring myself to do anything about it. I also still want my old life back when I thought we were happy etc etc.

I really emapthise and sympathise. Bit of a crap post because its not much help to you, I am sorry.

I hope you find the gumption and balls you need to move on and sort yourself out soon.