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Original poster

dh texting someone else

32 replies

Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:21

long story!
Two years ago my job moved 200 miles away. The plan was for the family to relocate. 6 months after moving the 3dc joined me to start their new school. On 3 separate occasions the house sale fell through. My dh living there on his own until we could sell it. The job became impossible, especially as I was also effectivly a single mum to 3dc at the time. I ended up having a full break down. Last year we moved back to the family home and I quit my 23 year career.

4 days before Christmas I discovered my dh has been texting someone 14 years his junior and very pretty for most of last year. He says he's sorry and has cut all contact with her. I believe him when he says it was just texting, and extended no further than xxx at the end of messages, looking forward to the contact and swapping a couple of photos (ofor their faces)

In May I discovered I was pregnant so I'm now sitting here crying Mt eyes out. I just can't cope with the fact that the person I trusted more than anything has done this to me when I was ill and pregnant. Just because he.sausage was lonely!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:23

The baby is now 4 weeks old, and I'm stuck a r home dwelling on everything. I've been having counselling, but having a really bad day today.

OP posts:
Rightallalong · 13/03/2014 14:26

Sorry to read this OP. It sounds like you've had a really tough time.

Do you believe he's cut this other person off completely? Have you asked him full details and are you satisfied he's being truthful?

If so, maybe it would be wise to focus totally on your future together and rebuilding a happy relationship and family and maybe counselling could help you both work through the issues?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 14:26

Do you believe he has cut contact?

How did you discover he had been texting her?

Why do you believe it was only texting? (it very rarely is)

Are you living together now?

He didn't do it because he was lonely btw, he did it because he could, because he wanted to, and because a woman 14 yrs younger than him would have been an ego fuck. Do not allow him to blame you for it.

NollaigShona · 13/03/2014 14:28

I am sorry you are feeling so let down.

Do you think you can talk this through and resolve things or do you feel he has betrayed you too badly?

(By using the word 'sausage' are you referring to your dp or his penis?)

pinkroses5 · 13/03/2014 14:33

Hi, sorry you're going through all this. Have you spoken to your DH? Is he sorry? I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about his actions and why he felt the need to text this girl, what she means to him etc. Ultimately you want to know if he still loves you and wants to be with you (I'm sure he does) and take it from there. Sounds to me like he wanted attention / ego boost while you were working away - I'm not condoning his actions though and you want reassurance that this won't happen again and that there's nothing still lingering with this girl.

Please try not to stress too much during your pregnancy though xxx

Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:35

Whoops, that was a Fraudulent slip! it was meant to say "just because he said he was lonely" not "sausage"

I do believe it was just texting. She asked to meet him for coffee last February, and he knew it was inappropriate so said he was too busy. He stopped contact. It stopped for few months then started again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:38

Whoops, that was a Fraudulent slip! it was meant to say "just because he said he was lonely" not "sausage"

I do believe it was just texting. She asked to meet him for coffee last February, and he knew it was inappropriate so said he was too busy. He stopped contact. It stopped for few months then started again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:41

Fraudulent slip! "because he said he was lonely" not "sausage"

He stopped contact when he felt it was inappropriate, but it started up again a few months later

He was sat next to me texting, said he wanted it out in the open and glad I saw him

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 14:44

Why did it start up again? He can't have found it that inappropriate can he?

Are you sure he hasn't got another phone? Just for her?

So far, so Script. He did it because you were naughty and moved away from him (diddums) - see what he did? Moving the guilt and blame firmly away from him and onto you......letting you see him texting her to put an end to it......

Was she full on? A bit of a stalker? Wouldn't leave him alone? Is she a bit deranged? Harrassing him?

When you first discovered he had been texting, what was his reaction?

Jan45 · 13/03/2014 14:44

No offence but you have no idea how far it went, if they met, if there was sexual chat, which I'd imagine there was, otherwise what was the point in it all.

Sorry but he needs to be honest here, doesn't sound like you know half of the story and what went on.

Just read that last bit, is he intentionally trying to fuck with your head?

Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 14:46

Clearly I have the hang of MN. Not sure what happened there!

He insists he's sorry and that I'm his world. Last year was really difficult for us all.

Why are men so immature and need their egos boosting all the time!

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 14:49

Men aren't immature and need their egos boosting all the time. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he couldn't help it. Most men don't actually feel the need to sext other women. Or beyond.

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

Jan45 · 13/03/2014 14:51

OP, if you truly believe your OH is immature and needs an ego boost, what's to stop it happening again?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2014 14:52

He was sat next to me texting, said he wanted it out in the open and glad I saw him

The same thing happened to me, and it went a LONG way beyond a few kisses on his texts

Sitting texting beside you is colossal disrespect and frankly the "wanted it in the open / glad you saw him" is insulting your intelligence; you found this out yourself instead of him confessing, and I very much doubt he'd ever have said anything

I know to my cost just how much this messes you up - it's too late for me to get out, but would hate to see it happen to someone else. Please think very carefully about what you want to do, since the alternative is a lifetime spent wondering what he's up to and a real feeling that you're going mad

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 14:55

Quite. Last time it was because he was lonely. Next time because you've let yourself go and the baby is taking up all your time. (I'm not saying you have btw Smile but that will be his excuse)

Get the truth out of him, then decide what you want and need to do.

Because in all the years I've spent on Relationships, I can't think of one single thread where "all" it's been is a bit of innocent texting. The least it will have been is sexting, sending pics, dirty talk etc. Yuck.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 14:56

Oh right- I had read the texting beside the OP to mean when he told the other woman it was inappropriate, to convince his wife he was ending it.

Wow. He's a class act isn't he. Wanted to get caught. A fuckwit and weird.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2014 15:01

Apologies if I mixed up that bit about him "texting next to you" OP - but there's still the "stopping then restarting the texting". Is he able to prove that he stopped at any point (not that this makes it much better) or have those past texts mysteriously disappeared??

Original poster
Juliealpha · 13/03/2014 15:14

Ouch and ouch again, you're all saying what I thought anyone would say!!

My head is all over the place at the moment.
The trust is gone, and I just can't see him the way I did. I thought I was going mad last year and I've never felt so lonely. What was horrible way to feel when you're pregnant

He claims she was odd and kept texting him and yes all the texts have disappeared!! How dumb am I? Please don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question x

OP posts:
Jan45 · 13/03/2014 15:23

Chances are they had a relationship of some kind, that's why she's keeping in touch, not because she is odd, he sounds odd to me actually and cruel.

Where was the support for you and the 3 children?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2014 15:35

You're not even remotely dumb, Julie - you trusted your DH as you should have been able to, without having to wonder

You can't see him the way you did? Been there and still am, it never goes away. Other MNetters will probably say to chuck him out (at least for a while) to give yourself time to think, but only you can decide if that's what you're able to do

What's he actually done - or suggested doing - to show any regret? Will he be prepared to discuss this as much and for as long as you need, or is he one of those who'd prefer to brush it all under the carpet and move on, leaving you shattered?

Gudgyx · 13/03/2014 15:41

How does he explain the 'relationship' they had? Me personally, I dont mind my DP texting girls that are his friends but thats just me. How do you know something untoward was going on? Is it not possible they may just be friends?

Logg1e · 13/03/2014 15:42

"Fraudulent slip" Smile

I wish you'd posted on here at the time, I hate to think of women feeling they're going crazy when everything they are thinking and feeling is logical and normal.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2014 15:48

Gudgy makes a fair point about simply texting a friend. Nothing wrong with that, but if that's the case he'd probably have mentioned her before ... so did he?

Just to clarify, how did you find out? Was the previous "stopping of the texts" something you knew about then, or is that what he's telling you now? Finally, as I said, what's he proposing to do about the whole thing and does he find it easy to discuss it all?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 15:48

No, you're not dumb. You just loved, and trusted someone that you should have been able to trust.

Now get angry. And think about yourself, and what you want.

And you know, (of course you know) that doing it while you were pregnant with his child, when he should have been loving you so completely and totally and looking forward with all his heart to you both bringing a child into this world, makes him even more of a bastard.

I doubt he's stopped. Time to go and have a rummage in his pant drawer or through his phone(s) while he's asleep I'd say. Are there any times when he's out later than you expected? The gym?

I'm afraid I'd start from the premise that he's not told you everything and take it from there.

bobbywash · 13/03/2014 15:57

OK

Slightly different perspective and before anyone says anything I'm not going to say don't worry, but....

You say you found out before christmans, and now have a four month old baby and also that it's hit you hard at this time. I'm not quite sure why the delay, but could your hormones be a factor?.

Also it's not bigging up or pandering to his ego. Human beings are by their general nature sociable, also complimentary attention is hard for anyone to withstand, no matter what their feelings are.

Doesn't make him any less of a pratt, but doesn't make him evil either.