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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't giving me space is it?

54 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 12/03/2014 09:21

See previous thread... here

So Dp has gone to his mums but is still messaging me all the time and keeps 'liking' old pictures of me/us on Facebook. That's not really giving me space is it? He is telling me he hasn't slept at all and now has to work a long shift. He says he just wants to come home. Its only been one night!

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 12/03/2014 09:24

Just read your previous thread Shock

No, it definitely isn't giving you space. Block him from Facebook. Can you block him from your phone as well? Tell him you'll inform the police he's harrassing you?
Stay strong, OP. He sounds vile. (hugs)

Jan45 · 12/03/2014 12:25

Typical bullying behaviour for someone abusive, block him completely, get him out of your life, he's toxic.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 12/03/2014 16:24

Thanks for the advice. I feel a bit greedy having 2 threads now but never mind :)
I probably will have to block him eventually if he doesn't calm the hell down.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 12/03/2014 16:49

Block him now after sending him this message, or at least one along these lines: 'THe relationship is over and will remain over. I will be in touch via (new email address for yourself eg Gmail, hotmail or similar which you reserve for emailing him) regarding a schedule for DC to have contact with you (only if he is the actual father, though). DO not attempt to contact me in any other way or you will be reported to the police.'

Please, please don't waste any time on hoping this man will improve because he will not.
He will probably disappear from DC's life once you make it clear that you will not be having any contact with him for the time being, and that would be for the best.
Abusive men are a waste of oxygen, make the cut off as quick and clean as possible. Because he's not worth any more of your attention.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2014 21:03

You are a reasonable normal person trying to deal with him as if he was a reasonable normal person. He is not, and that is why this will never work.

I agree with SGB, send him a message that cannot be misconstrued in any way. Then keep a copy, a hard copy and email it to yourself too and block him.

If he comes to the house then call the police. You have to play hard ball, being nice will be seen as weakness by him and he will play on your guilt in order to get you to back down.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 13/03/2014 08:41

He rang me 8 times this morning. When I answered he told me he's having a panic attack and hasn't slept in 2 days. He says he needs to come home and he will be better. He rang from a private number so can't even block it! He sounds like a wreck and is constantly begging and pleading to come back. Why can't he see that him doing this is exactly why I don't want him back. I told him I would message him with an answer in an hour or so. What the hell do I do. He says he can't go on any longer and he needs his family.

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffle · 13/03/2014 11:00

Ignore him. He wants to control you again. Don't let him, for yourself and for your daughter. I've read your other thread. Don't minimise the abuse, HIS behaviour has led to the separation.
Say "you'll have to make alternative arrangements, it's not appropriate for you to stay with me now that we have split" or similar. Don't apologise, you're stating a simple fact.
And stay strong. You can break the cycle of abuse.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/03/2014 11:02

Ignore and if he threatens suicide, call an ambulance.
More manipulation, I'm afraid.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2014 11:40

Just put the phone down on him when he rings. You do not owe him a relationship, help or consideration.
Complete and utter stonewall. Act as though he doesn't exist. It;'s his fault that all this has happened so he can take the consequences.

Because if you take him back, he will abuse you and the children again. He is only interested in himself. He won't die - they are never so obliging as to actually kill themselves and get out of your hair.

CocktailQueen · 13/03/2014 11:46

Ignore! Put down the phone. He is manipulating you.

Think of all then horrible things he's ever done to you. Write them out and put them up on the wall where you can see them when you feel you are weakening. HE WON'T CHANGE.

You are better off without him. Don't give in to his emotional blackmail. he has reaped what he sowed.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2014 11:50

You've done so well to get him out.
Keep re-reading your previous thread about his behaviour and how he has treated you.
And..... yes - he's still doing it.
Trying to control.
Block him and don't answer your phone unless you know the number.
Stop engaging with him.
Completely ignore him.
He'll get the message.
If he threatens suicide (which he probably will if he follows the usual script) then call the police immediately and do not engage with him at all in messages etc...
Stay strong. You know you need to for DC!
Keep going.

Jan45 · 13/03/2014 12:56

This just proves to you how it's all about him and his needs.

If he wants another chance, this is not the way to go about it, he needs to show you that he is capable and capable of respecting you, nothing above displays that, not a jot.

Sorry but I'd block him completely and wouldn't answer any unknown number.

Fairenuff · 13/03/2014 18:07

If he phones from an unknown number, hang up once you know it's him. Block him wherever you can. Do not reply to any messages.

Do keep all his messages though because you might at some point want to ask the police to speak to him about harassment and these calls will all serve as evidence.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/03/2014 07:52

Thanks for the advice. Because I haven't officially told him its over yet I can't really block him. I know I should give him an answer soon. I have said to him that I need space in order to get perspective on the whole thing. I have said that I will give him an answer on Sunday.
Its annoying as I am still relying on him for money. As we haven't officially split up he is still paying most of his wages in to my bank (every single bill/rent payment/food shop/everything comes out of my bank) so I can't cut ties with him yet. Also I don't know what to do about child care. He usually has dd on Mondays and I have no idea whether to take her to him or not. The rest of the week is fine as she's at childminders but I don't want to stop him seeing dd.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2014 11:07

OK I see that's more of a problem. If there's enough money in the bank to keep you and DD going for a week or two (as long as he can't access it) then bin him now. When does his next payment go in? You may have to 'make nice' or stall him until then - and in the meantime, get advice on what benefits etc you will get as a single parent and make plans. He will have to contribute financially whether he is allowed contact with you or not.

Do not feel guilty if you have to lie to him in order to get enough money for food etc in the short term. This is an abusive man. It's fine to do whatever's necessary to get free and keep safe when you are dealing with one of them.

As to whether he gets to see DD, it depends whether or not he can behave himself. If he is aggressive, volatile, threatening suicide etc, block him completely and let him take you to court. It's not in a small child's best interests to spend time with a violent abusive man. particularly not when the man is behaving aggressively or strangely. If you have evidence of his abusive behaviour (texts and emails are good, as well as any police reports) keep them.

Remember this man is the enemy. Treat him accordingly.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 16/03/2014 09:18

He is still at his mums. I have to ring him today and tell him one of 2 things. Either it's over and that's that. Or we have to live separately while he gets help, which could be a long time. I am still undecided on which I will say. Leaning slightly towards the former... Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/03/2014 09:37

Why do you have to tell him today? Tell him you need more time to think. You do not have to rush into any decisions.

Hassled · 16/03/2014 09:43

Yes - you don't HAVE to tell him anything today if you're not ready. This is too big a decision to be rushed into. It doesn't matter if you've promised him an answer today - if you need more time, take it. What can he do?

Lweji · 16/03/2014 09:47

I'd go with having to live separately while he gets help for now.
It should give you some breathing space and it will show you his intentions.
In any case, prepare now for the worst and get as much advice and a support network as possible.

Lweji · 16/03/2014 09:49

That is if you are undecided.

Telling him it's definitely over is ok too. :)

But I wouldn't send DD to him tomorrow if that's your decision. Just in case. See first how he reacts over the course of the week.

pictish · 16/03/2014 09:58

Look - you're only caving because he has made you feel guilty!! See that his tactics are working on you, and you are being steered back into a relationship that is no good for you, but benefits him enormously!!

You are not responsible for his life and happiness, he is. He has chosen to treat you abusively, and now he means to emotionally blackmail you into continuing to accept it.

Tell him no - the relationship is over.

pictish · 16/03/2014 10:06

Doing what he's doing right now - crying, begging, pleading, having panic attacks, tell you he needs to come home....that's still abusing you btw.
You asked for space, and he won't give it.
It's still on his terms isn't it?

notapizzaeater · 16/03/2014 10:15

I agree with the others, he is still pulling the strings, cut him loose, ignore him.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 16/03/2014 12:04

Thanks folks. I won't be taking dd to him on mon now so that's ok. I think deep down I know it's not going to work. He's done too much damage.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 16/03/2014 20:15

We have decided to live apart and sort of have a trial separation. I said that if he gets sufficient help and manages to sort himself out we may have a chance in the future. He is aware that could be years.
He seemed to accept it quite well. He even said I was probably right, which I really did not expect! I feel really sad now but also relieved. It's going to be a long hard road but I think its for the best. It feels very strange.

OP posts: