This isn't giving me space is it?

[MoonshineWashingLine]

See previous thread... here

So Dp has gone to his mums but is still messaging me all the time and keeps 'liking' old pictures of me/us on Facebook. That's not really giving me space is it? He is telling me he hasn't slept at all and now has to work a long shift. He says he just wants to come home. Its only been one night!

[Bogeyface]

Standing ovation for Moonshines ex :(

He is back in isnt he? And I would bet my mortgage money that he is living back at home by summer.

I am sorry that he has played you like this Moon, we will be here for you when he ups the ante.

[Fairenuff]

Will he leave you alone now do you think?

[Lweji]

You got some breathing space, hopefully, but don't be fooled. Make sure you have very strict boundaries and a plan in place to kick off when he crosses those boundaries.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I'm not sure what you mean by 'back in' bogeyface he is still at his mother's and will be looking for his own place soon. We are by no means a couple any longer.
Part of me is thinking he may be really good and cooperative for the time being but he might mess me about after a while.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Can anyone enlighten me as to why I now feel really sad and lonely now that I've told him it's over? I just felt detached before, then relieved, then I felt angry at him and now I feel empty and sad.

[Lweji]

It's normal to grieve a relationship. As you would if your husband died.
Do not confuse it with missing him.
To stay with such men we construct an ideal relationship and focus on the good parts. We can miss it just as much as we would a good relationship.
Keep focusing on why you had to let him go.

[Bogeyface]

Sorry Moon by "back in" I meant back in your head. You are already making compromises on what you want in order to placate him....the same as you have been doing all along.

Why didnt you just say "No. We are over." when that is what you really want?

[Bogeyface]

I dont mean to sound like I am having a go at you, I am not. But this man is clearly a master manipulator and I am worried for you.

You said "living apart and trial seperation" and he will think "She is caving, a bit more pressure and I will be back where I want to be".

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I hope he doesn't think that. I think I made it clear to him that it might never happen. I am meeting him on Friday at a play centre so he can see dd and I am giving him some of his clothes and stuff. I am also going to ask for his key back but I haven't told him that.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Thanks for pointing out his manipulation though bogeyface it is hard to see past his emotional outpourings some times.

[Lweji]

Oh, he is probably thinking he will go back.
My ex did regardless of what I said to him. In his mind I'd back down as I had before.

Once, he even showed up smiling as he rang the bell. I didn't open the door.

What he thinks now doesn't matter, though. It's what you think that does.
Be prepared for the fallout when he realises that you do mean it. Such as when you ask for the key back. Personally, I'd be changing the locks instead.

[Fairenuff]

Don't bother asking for his key, just 'lose' your own keys and get a locksmith to change your locks. If he tries to use his keys one day, he will find they don't work. If he doesn't, he will be none the wiser. Remember, you do not have to consult or inform him. You are not together any more.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Well that brings me to my other problem. He needs to look after dd on Mondays and in order to do that he needs to come here. His mother's is not suitable for a child (for many reasons) so until he gets his own place he will have to look after her here. Really not ideal I know but I see no other way. I have to go to work :/

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

But you simply cannot have him looking after your child every Monday; what about using a childminder?. I appreciate she will require payment but using such a person is far better than her Dad who will use your child to also get back at you. You need time and space completely away from this man.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Well if he is difficult then I will have to make other arrangements. I don't want him to stop seeing dd though so I feel like I have no choice for the time being.

[Lweji]

Yes, he can see her at other times.
But he should not be entering your home any longer.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Moon

You have not given a definite no so there is no line in the sand not to cross as far as you are both concerned. He would be in his mind in the right to say/think there is hope no matter how small.

His continued access to your home on a Monday is another indicator to him that all is well and nothing has changed. If you are going to wait until it kicks off to get alternative child care for Mondays, it is worth a lot less hassle and heartache to sort it now.

He needs clear rules like a toddler, he will never get meaningful help unless he is shown no other alternative, and lovely you have left the door open to a possible future with you, he will torture you for that false hope if you do not say and do as you mean.
Failing to plan, is planning to fail.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

She is already at childminders 4 days a week and Monday is his only guaranteed day off work. Childminder might be able to have her on Mondays until he gets his own place I suppose. I have already told him he can come here on Mondays though so I feel bad about going back on my word :(

[Guiltypleasures001]

Moon it is hard especially
when you are an empathic person who doesn't want to hurt anyone else. I will say though that while you are playing by the rules many others and including him won't, and this is the problem. Your confidence and self esteem must be low and this makes you very vulnerable, and that opens the way for manipulation by him.

Your in a battle of sticking by your principles of being seen to do the right and decent thing, versus your need to help him adjust.
But lovey it isn't your job to do this anymore, you didn't give birth to him he has a mother, let her do her job and sort him out. He is a grown up who has made bad choices, if he never reaps the whirl wind he won't ever learn a lesson.

Your are also making bad choices though and it may seem I'm being unkind it's a fact, you need to start looking at what lessons there are to be learned, if you continue to act like a crutch he will always lean on you, that's a mill stone around your neck you need to set down for good. As a grown up you are entitled to change your mind, these are good life lessons for your Dd.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I know you're right. I don't really want him comong here. I guess I will have to tell him tonight. Dd is at childminders today but it was meant to be a one off. Hopefully she will be able to do a few weeks.

[Lweji]

He should thus be encouraged to get his own place, if he can't see her elsewhere.
He could still take her out for a few hours from the childminder's on Mondays.

[JaceyBee]

So what if you were to get another boyfriend? Would he still see you as 'his' or have you made it clear that you are no longer a couple and are both free to see other people? Because if he sees it as just living separately while he 'sorts himself out' (ha!) then I can see more drama in the future when you fail to fall back into line.

[Lweji]

I'd see this trial, as breathing space. But it is also for reflection. You can tell him you decided to separate at any time. You owe him nothing in that respect.

[Fairenuff]

I have already told him he can come here on Mondays though so I feel bad about going back on my word

Actually OP, you did not give your word. You did not make any promises to him. All you did was agree that he can still look after her at your house on Mondays.

Now you can tell him that, on reflection, that is not going to be a viable option and he can look after her on Mondays when he has his own place to take her to. Until then, he can take her out for shorter periods of time but he will not be in the house.

You need to make sure that he doesn't enter the house. When you are home keep the doors locked, with the key in the inside lock so that he can't just let himself in. When he knocks, keep the security chain on.

This way he will get the message that your home and his home are separate because you are having a trial separation. There is no point in a separation if he is just going to behave the same way. There have to be changes.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Thank you all. Your advice is really helpful. I have said to him that we are having an 'indefinite hiatus' and we may not ever get back together. I hope he gets it!
I have messaged him saying I want to rethink Mondays as now that I have had chance to think about it, it has been stressing me out. I hope he doesn't create. I doubt he will as he really wants to see dd on Friday so I can hope.
I am going to encourage him to find a place asap and I also want to move somewhere cheaper/closer to work and childminders. Nothing suitable out there yet though :/