DW and DD have been at again; too upset to sleep

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

This evening DD remarked that her phone wasn't working. She has another basic phone which works. This DW knows, or we (DD and I) thought she did. DW decided, without being asked to turn the house upside down at bedtime looking for a working phone. DD, meanwhile, had been feeling a bit gloomy as teenagers do, so like a sensible person had gone to bed. DW finds another phone, presents it to DD by waking her up, and then has a massive rant when she isn't immediately showered with kisses. DD was reduced to hysterical crying, ran out into the back garden. DW goes to bed in a strop. I get DD indoors, cuddle her while she cries herself out, put her to bed, and repeat the process with DW who is now saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc.
So I'm lying here with my blood pressure through the roof again. Grr.

Bugger. Insert "it" after "at" in title.

Does DW often make such threats?

Is your wife usually this unstable? You say Again twice.

Does DW have mental health problems, or is she 'difficult' a lot of the time?
If she's doing this sort of thing regularly then she needs to go and see the GP about getting some help. Because it's not fair to expect you and especially your teenage DD to put up with constant drama llama behaviour.

So why didn't you tell DW that DD had a phone?

DW sounds very unstable & like she needs some help tbh.

Oh about once every six months or so. Rare enough not to be really worried.

I think it's overcompensating for MIL's early neglect of her mostly; very different to my own parenting style which is a non-judgmental, talk it through, "being there" thing. Hardest bit is not to enter into a conspiracy with DD, because I've seen it elsewhere and it isn't pretty.

Just needed a vent, sorry.

Did you tell DW there was another phone? Why didn't you help her look for it?

you've not said why you didn't say it's all right she has a spare already.

Even if you didn't then threatening to drive into the river sounds very over dramatic.

Why didn't you give dd the other phone?

Why did you just sit there while she ransacked the house? Did you not say anything?

Oops, x-post. I was helping turn the house upside down and I'd told DW that DD had another working phone. This wasn't heard or was ignored.

Artex: you do things for an 8 year old without being asked. With an 18 year old you should permit them the basic respect of letting them sort their own problems. You don't do unwanted favours, wake the recipient fron sleep, call her names and then crash out of the room. Or maybe you do.

One every 6m?

Not enough to be very worried?

You do realise these are the memories your dd will grow up to remember?

The ones she'll be breaking speed limits to get the fuck away from.

It is not acceptable for anyone to treat anyone else the way your DW does. Ever.

You do know that, right?

You need to tell her to sort herself out TODAY, and if she does that shit again, it will be the last thing she does before she's divorced.

Bollocks to the bullshit that is the melodramatic driving into a lake. She only says that to keep her victims hooked to her.

Has your W been tested for borderline? Something's not right, and it's not healthy for you or your dd to live with.

Time to draw a line in the sand here.

Most of us would behave in a way such as that ONCE, but then be so mortified, we'd never ever do it again.

You don't wake people up to demand praise and adoration ffs

You can see this, right?

Yeah, another one on the side of your 'crazy DW' here. She might have got it wrong on this occasion (understandably) but don't give her shit for that, surely!

OP you must love drama as your actions or lack thereof certainly sem to encourage it.

very different to my own parenting style which is a non-judgmental, talk it through, "being there" thing.

Totally seeing the non-judgmental thing. It shines out of you, OP. Something does, anyway.

All this cuddling & calming sounds quite a bit like a smokescreen for playing your wife & daughter off each other rather than leaving them to resolve a really quite minor tiff between themselves.

There's definitely a drama llama in your house.

This would get such a different response if it was a dad doing it.

Well, you were unreasonable to let all this happen, as if you were a paraplegic mute (apologies if you are.)

This is the bit that worries me: "saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc."

She's in a right old state. I'd advise genuine concern for her emotional health, stress levels, etc ... Your reaction to a distraught, suicidal wife? "Grrr."

I'm not surprised she's emotionally dysregulated. Look to yourself, OP.

Poor dd. There's something not sitting right with me.

Riiiight.

So you've got two people who've ripped each other up, and you leave them to fester? That's certainly a course of action.

Hissy: Up to a point. That point is way short of divorce IMO.

Trufflehunter: You're right. As I say, I needed to vent.

Thanks for the advice and now I think I'll be off to sleep. Just hope it's not the dream about the lobsters.

well, two adult women - given you say dd is 18 - having a silly disagreement about a phone, actually.

All that running out into the garden (dd) & threatening to drive off a bridge (dw) is pretty daft, but I'm not sure that treating them both like tired princesses whom you need to 'cuddle' & 'put to bed' is the answer.

Yes, if two adult people have 'ripped each other up' - you leave them to sort it. By discussion in the morning.

I think I've got the lobsters booked tonight, though. Hate that one!

I agree Billybanter this would get a different response if it was a woman posting about her husband.

I get that MN is predominantly used by woman, however I would expect a man to get the same support a woman would get if she posted.

I do not think the OP has done anything wrong, he has supported his dd when he felt she needed it due to dw actions. How many posts appear on MN where the roles are reversed and the woman gets praised for standing up for child while dad gets called all names under the sun?!

Artek it is very rare if a woman posts that someone comes on saying "I wonder what your dh version of events would be?" In most cases she gets support without the version of events being questioned, where as the OP here is getting crucified for his version of events. Unfortunately that is the nature of a forum, we only usually get one side of the story, but that is rarely questioned.

OP I would worry if your dw has threatened such actions before and would support her and get help if necessary. But on this issue I don't think you have done anything wrong, except assume your dw knew dd already had a spare working phone. Her actions after the events were pretty extreme over a minor issue- IMO.