DW and DD have been at again; too upset to sleep

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

This evening DD remarked that her phone wasn't working. She has another basic phone which works. This DW knows, or we (DD and I) thought she did. DW decided, without being asked to turn the house upside down at bedtime looking for a working phone. DD, meanwhile, had been feeling a bit gloomy as teenagers do, so like a sensible person had gone to bed. DW finds another phone, presents it to DD by waking her up, and then has a massive rant when she isn't immediately showered with kisses. DD was reduced to hysterical crying, ran out into the back garden. DW goes to bed in a strop. I get DD indoors, cuddle her while she cries herself out, put her to bed, and repeat the process with DW who is now saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc.
So I'm lying here with my blood pressure through the roof again. Grr.

My dad would also have given me a kick up the arse rather than a cuddle. Doesn't mean it's right though.

Op it is not your job to police your wife's behaviour. Have a conversation by all means. Waking a sleeping person to rant at them, name calling and suicide threats are all abusive behaviours.

Does she do this to you?

I see this is not a new problem.

Perhaps you could ask them to apologise to each other but first you leave the house out of earshot for a good few hours so that neither is influenced by what you might do or say in response to their comments, or any tantrums which might ensue . Having you to run to might be making things worse.

Hissy: You sound like you've got the t shirt. Time to get a grip.

thanks, but I don't need one. I'm not the one apparently standing by while my daughter's being harassed under my roof.

By all means comfort your DD, she sounded as if she did need it, but you need to get your DW to sort out her issues as they are impacting on the family. With meaningful consequences for if she doesn't. If you don't follow through, your DD will see that nothing has changed and that she has no right to expect a peaceful nights sleep if her DM decides to kick off again. Your failure to put a stop to this endorses and enables her DM to mistreat her, and invalidates her own feelings.

You are a member of this family and as a supposed lucid and rational parent, you have to step in and tell her that she can not treat anyone like this, much less your DD.

Otherwise who will stop this from happening? Who will prevent the harm to her self esteem?

Look at the dynamic you have there and compare it with normal households that don't have going on and ask yourself why DD'd not run for the hills at the first opportunity she can get? As soon as she goes to higher education and sees real life, real families and compares what she has with you and her mother, what will go through her mind?

A mother who kicks off and a father who enables it by failing to insist on consequences.

ANY woman who came on here and said that their DC dad kicked off like that at their child would be told to LTB, and for her to protect the DC. Why should the advice here for you be any different?

Your DW is being manipulative and controlling and living with a person like this is harmful to all that come into contact with her.

Stop making excuses, stop minimising what this woman is doing to your family and safeguard yourself and your child before it's too late.

hissy I agree if that's what's happening.

But I think op post was loaded against his wife. Maybe I'm too cynical or suspicious but this doesn't sit right with me.

The dd is 18

The op refers to her as a teenager, then he goes on to say:

"you do things for an 8 year old without being asked. With an 18 year old you should permit them the basic respect of letting them sort their own problems. You don't do unwanted favours, wake the recipient fron sleep, call her names and then crash out of the room. "

So, not 8, but 18.

I'm agreeing that somethign is very wrong if your wife does this every 6 months. In the pattern of behaviour is it getting more or less common?

I don't know your wife and maybe Im identifying too closely because this sounds exactly the sort of behaviour a close female relative of mine did - absolutely exactly. Uncannily so. But if I'm not reading my own situatoin into it, then agreed that there seems some serious instability and your wife needs to find help and start trying to change her behaviour.

bloody hell. I wonder what the responses would be if the op was a woman posting about her dh. Would people be taking his side - I don't bloody think so. double standards much?

Blah blah blah 'double standards'. Both sexes get questioned on here is their behaviour is out of kilter with the image they're trying to portray.

Reading this thread and the last one, the OP comes across as someone who likes to undermine their partner and play the hero. That makes someone an arse, male or female.

Why should I be a male apologist if they are coming across like an arse?

HISSY I read the OP's response to your post as to 'get himself a grip'. He sounded like was acknowledging your, rightly, forceful post and thinking it was time to do something about it.

Might be wrong.. that's just the impression I got from it.

agreed the reactions would be different if this was a female poster.

I dont think there can be any doubt that if someone is saying they'll drive their car into the river, her daughter hates her, and she's a rotten mother - then that's black and white. There's a real problem.

I think he's being treated even-handedly with the information that we've got. His take on it has been questioned, in the same way that many female OPs are questioned. Many replies have suggested that his wife has MH issues which must be addressed, a few have suggested that he leave her. Several have pointed to potential damage (past or future) to their adult dd. One poster even described how her male partner exhibits similar overanxious searching behaviour, and how they handle it. I don't think a female OP would have been unanimously supported either.

I agree that both women misbehaved.

Why was the daughter running out to the garden??? Crying hysterically? Probably vecause she's repeating the behaviour she's witnessed from her dm :(

I think on most households a teenager would ask their mum what on earth they were doing, possibly words exchanged, a slammed door and then that would be it. At the most.

Oh- and as I posted before I also find the op's behaviour odd. Standing back and kind of allowing it and then comforting his dd. surely he could've addressed her over reaction? Surely he could've stopped the bloody manic hunt for the phone? Surely he could've suggested jog waking the dd?

it may be that Im seeing too much into this becuase I've been in exactly the same situation only it was with a book, complete to being woken up and to the unbalanced hysteria when asked (politely) to be allowed to sleep. On the other hand, it may be that having -been- in that situation, I've got the experience to have a good clue what it's like, whereas others who haven't, don't! pick yer poison as to which it is =)

However, the OP is very clear on the details on what happened and as with almost all posts on Mumsnet, we have to take the objective details at face value. So on the basis of what he's said, no, I think there is a serious problem here. A one -off would be odd behaviour but just a one-off, but a repeated pattern is more serious. Hence why I ask if this behaviour is becoming more or less frequent.

mamma if his wife was being unstoppable and hysterical about it, you can't stop that behaviour. It only makes things worse. all you can do is wait for the storm to pass.

But if this happens often, then as someone said above, the OP would be enabling this behaviour and needs to work on making it unacceptable. Which can be a very, very hard job

I agree. If she's often like this and waking somebody up and ranting is abusive, then it's not easy to stop it.

However...I read the op again and again and it's just harsh on his wife. She's described as looking for a phone WITHOIT BEING ASKED...is odd. Well, she's her mum and probably trying to be kind. Then she's described as going to bed in a strop but dd earlier is described as 'sensible'.

The dw defo has issues, communication being the least, mental health issues being the worst case scenario.

Wow at this thread

Just wow

Yeah mamma ... and the daughter does sound like she went a bit hysterical too :/

i suspect hte OP was kind of stressed out and pretty darn frustrated by the whole thing.

meerka I've had experience with this too off my mother,were NC now , but it's the way op has worded his posts. It just doesn't sit right.

far too suspicious for my own good

mm fair enough. I guess that I saw him as being stressed out and maybe writing it under the pressure of that.

bluebell you may be right.

Sorry if wrong end of stick got OP,

Plus I've just seen OP comment on another thread, this guy is more than aware of a narc personality.

I don't buy it.

I think it's hard not to project - I'm certainly having trouble. I can imagine wanting to help my own dd (who's 15) and would certainly try "without being asked". I can imagine being desperate to smooth things over with a person who (like the OP's dd) has form for screaming at me when things go wrong, and for a while everything has been fine, but now she's gone to bed in a bad mood - look, I can fix it! My dd, like most teens, spends ages in her room and there are loads of times when I've woken her by mistake. And being upset at "not being showered with kisses" - well, that could cover anything, from a sleepy grunt to being told to fuck off.

Thinking aloud here, but I think that's what bothers me. There are too many subjective terms, too many things that could be taken other ways. If the OP's dd was 8, not 18 (as I initially thought she was), I'd be in the camp of "leave the controlling, abusive bitch", but I don't think this is as straightforward as that.

Maybe op will return and answer a few questions, respond to comments etc.

It is an odd situation all round- the way it's described, every bodies behaviour is a bit...'off'. Perhaps just as a result of a stressed household though?