DW and DD have been at again; too upset to sleep

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

This evening DD remarked that her phone wasn't working. She has another basic phone which works. This DW knows, or we (DD and I) thought she did. DW decided, without being asked to turn the house upside down at bedtime looking for a working phone. DD, meanwhile, had been feeling a bit gloomy as teenagers do, so like a sensible person had gone to bed. DW finds another phone, presents it to DD by waking her up, and then has a massive rant when she isn't immediately showered with kisses. DD was reduced to hysterical crying, ran out into the back garden. DW goes to bed in a strop. I get DD indoors, cuddle her while she cries herself out, put her to bed, and repeat the process with DW who is now saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc.
So I'm lying here with my blood pressure through the roof again. Grr.

.....threatening to drive into a river is an extreme response to the situation described.

And the whole situation was ramped up way beyond what you would expect, even if both women were stressed and tired.

Had anything else happened, prior to this?

Am concerned about the 'just venting' comment, because it sounds as if you've normalised such behaviour. It isn't normal; and I would really recommend a trip to the GP for your DW. Something isn't right somewhere.

It does sound like DW has some issues:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a1799538-Looks-like-DD-has-finally-broken-our-marriage

Oh, dear. Illuminating link, Aga, thanks.

With any luck DD will be able to get a place of her own soon, leaving her weirdly passive (but moaning) dad and tragically anxious mum to figure themselves out.

Wow some tough responses to the op here, good to see its a man asking for advice and not a woman.

Op, I don't think you did anything wrong. However, I agree with the posters who suggested there might be underlying issues with your wife. Is she prone to depression, could this be behind her outburst?

I think the wives biggest problem is perhaps a passive and indulgent husband, as well as a difficult daughter.

It seems to me, having read both threads, that DW has been trying to parent and raise the dd, whereas her husband has been watching, and not stepping in other than comforting them both afterwards. It would appear they have not parented together, and when he has involved himself, is to undermine his wife.

No wonder the girl is playing them up against each other and looking for boundaries. She seems to have developed into a rather toxic young adult, and mum is threading on eggshells trying to placate her with a phone, made the mistake of waking her to show her there was a phone. Dad is playing right into the manipulative little madams hands when he give her attention sulking in the garden, simply because mum found her a phone she did not need.

What on earth is the point of sitting on the side and watch mayhem unfold, and then ponce in as a patronizing comforter?

Why did you not tell your wife that there was another phone? Did you really sit all evening letting her stress and search for a phone, without telling her dd had another phone?

No wonder the wife see no other way out than into the river in her car.

Can you lot just leave out the genders and stop derailing the thread?

I think you took your dd's 'side'.

I am betting your dw feels unsupported and a bit ganged up on to b honest

Has it been answered yet, the question of why you didn't mention there was another phone?

It sounds like you all have zero communication skills. If your DD had just said "I'll be using my spare phone for a few days until I get mine fixed" or if you had just fetched the spare straight away and said to DW "Look, she can use this one, you could have avoided all the escalation.

Did you tell your wife that she could stop looking for a phone because your dd had one that would do? If not, why not?

Your DW sounds like my mother.

I wish my sap of a father had protected me from her "parenting".

I have zero respect and minimal contact with the pair of them now.

It's hugely damaging as a child to have a self-absorbed parent with low self-esteem who uses their children as ego boosts and has tantrums, including suicide threats, when their child does not sufficiently boost their ego.

You don't want to leave your DW? Your DD will suffer the consequences for a lifetime. And will not thank you for it.

His dw is not your mother, Hot. And I think you interpret her parenting and his actions very differently to me. I just see a frustrated woman and a passive dad who just does not want to be involved, other than swooping in as the guardian angel after it has blown up, to comfort and cuddle.

Reading both threads it sounds to me like you just love being the sensible voice of reason who mops up everyone's tears afterwards, who watches the entertainment from the sidelines and then swoops in with The Voice Of Reason To Get It All Sorted.

Definitely a passive dad.
But a mother who threatens suicide because her DD's response to her isn't sufficiently loving? Not a fit or stable parent.

No, because her dd threw a fit, and ran out into the garden to sulk in the middle of the night.

The poor woman must have had enough, and blame her own parenting for this.

I rather think the dad is quite instrumental in his passivity, in having raised this girl.

Sounds like your dw has a high amount of anxiety and feels that it's her responsibility alone to instantly make it all better. Different things can make a person feel that way. Yes, mental health issues. But also - well, being the doer and fixer of the family. The one who will be in the shit if it doesn't get done.

Your dd's phone wasn't working. You say she was "a bit gloomy" and went to bed. How did this manifest itself? Did she tell your dw she was going to use her other phone? If not, don't you reckon there's quite a chance your dw thought she was sad because of the phone? So - I know it's bad form to refer to past threads, but, in the general dynamic of your family - whose job would it be to fix that? And what would happen if she didn't do that?

If my dd (admittedly younger) went to bed sad because of something, and it was my job to fix it, and I did fix it, then I'd want her to know that it was all right now. I'd want her to be settled and happy. I probably would go in to her, if I thought she might not be asleep. In this case, your dw called it wrong. Anxious people rushing to solve a problem sometimes do. It wasn't, apparently, because of the phone that your dd was sad. She was asleep, not awake.

The issue is not your dw and dd "at it again", spoiling your nice quiet evening and needing to be patted and soothed out of the results of your dw's irrationality. Any time I behave irrationally or unreasonably, btw, there is always one cause at its root, and that is fear. What's she frightened of? Why does she feel so responsible? What would reassure her that, in fact, it isn't her job to sort everyone out and make them happy, and that if she "fails" her life is useless?

OP has answered that question! He told his wife about the phone and she didn't respond and continued to look.

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. You are not responsible for the way your DW chooses to behave. Saying that, if my dh did similar I wouldn't hesitate to try and prevent him waking up dc and ranting at them. I don't buy this 'united front in front of the children' rubbish. If one parent is behaving unacceptably then it is important for the other parent to call them out on it, even if it's just to suggest some time out for a breather and to calm down. DC need to see that you have their back.

Several posters have suggested that your dd is playing you and dw off against each other and 'ganging up' on DW. If your DW feels like you and dd gang up on her then maybe it's because she is behaving unacceptably. It doesn't automatically mean she is being victimised.

I don't like how your account of the situations you have posted about are called into question and picked apart. The readers only ever have one side of the story and are usually much more willing to take what an OP says as a perfectly valid and reliable perspective.

The "poor woman" is grown up, while the DD is a teenager.
Her issues = hers to manage.

So why did she carry on looking and why did the OP help her look?

I have a dh who gets completely obsessed with looking for things lost: if we let him, he could easily do what your dw did, look frantically all night and then wake somebody up if he found it.

(Though he wouldn't be making silly suicide threats whatever happened- we've had real suicide attempts in our family, we take it seriously).

The difference is that in our family we are all on each other's side. If somebody knew that there was a spare phone, they would tell him. If we saw him getting obsessive, we would tell him firmly to snap out of it- rather than sit by and watch him paint himself into a corner. If he then behaved badly, we would lay into him- but there wouldn't be this whole protective passive-aggressive cuddling business.

I am getting the feeling that somebody is rather enjoying all the drama.

And if I too may project from my childhood, I sometimes wonder in retrospect if that wasn't my own dad too, when my mother had one of her mood swings. He never did anything, he never tried to stop her from digging herself into a hole and scaring us- but he enjoyed the status as the sensible member of the family. I used to feel ever so sorry for him when I was a child. Now I tend to think "hang on, you were an adult, why didn't you behave like one?"

Odd dynamics going on, but I'd say it's not your responsibility to "fix" your wife.
In any case I'd be telling her that she must address these over reactions and suicide threats. She's either emotionally abusive or very fragile, in which case she needs help asap.

It feels like you are walking a bit on eggshells and seem afraid of the drama if you actually confront your wife.

In any case if anyone had woken me up to say they had found a phone, my first answer would probably be to tell them to piss off.

Cory- very wise post. I can't get past why the OP didn't stop his wife hunting for th phone- and if I read it right actually joined in. With my Dp I might have to say "LOOK! Here is the spare phone she can use - stop looking NOW!!!!!!"

As for empathy, I can relate in that my exH would get so involved in his own stress that it was rather difficult to get him out of it.