DW and DD have been at again; too upset to sleep

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

This evening DD remarked that her phone wasn't working. She has another basic phone which works. This DW knows, or we (DD and I) thought she did. DW decided, without being asked to turn the house upside down at bedtime looking for a working phone. DD, meanwhile, had been feeling a bit gloomy as teenagers do, so like a sensible person had gone to bed. DW finds another phone, presents it to DD by waking her up, and then has a massive rant when she isn't immediately showered with kisses. DD was reduced to hysterical crying, ran out into the back garden. DW goes to bed in a strop. I get DD indoors, cuddle her while she cries herself out, put her to bed, and repeat the process with DW who is now saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc.
So I'm lying here with my blood pressure through the roof again. Grr.

OP did help to look for the lost phone. He also told his DW about the spare one.

See his post at 00.45 last night.

No other advice or comment from me. Too close to my own unresolved situation

Just read the op again. Why on earth did the dw wake her up to give dd a phone? Why not leave it downstairs for he morning?

:( lots of drama and not a healthy dynamic between the 3 of you.

Agree with the gp suggestions for your dw...

My EX used to wake me up to whine, moan and belittle me. It's harassment and un-fucking-called for.

NO-ONE should do that to another living soul and you need to MTFU and put a stop to her terrorising your household.

Get her to address her issues. Or leave.

It really IS that serious. She is not stable or healthy to live with, let alone raise a DD.

How the hell do you think DD will have a normal life with a shitty dynamic like this?

Seriously? Do you have NO responsibility in any of this? just to spectate?

How will you fell WHEN she ends up in a shitty relationship? or abuses and harasses your GRANDKIDS when the time comes, as she knows no better?

Or maybe she'll do herself and her DC a favour and cut you both from her lives.

Sort this mess out now.

You cuddled your 18-year-old dd while she cried herself out and then put her to bed??

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this. DW was told about the spare working phone which DD had and ignored this/didn't respond to the information.

Why didn't you tell her again?
Did she hear you?
Why did you look for another phone when DD already had one?

I'm baffled.

Think the part of this story about cuddling and putting to bed after an entirely unnecessary episode over a phone is very weird and seriously creepy .

Hardest bit is not to enter into a conspiracy with DD - sounds like you already have to be honest, read your post back. you refer to dd and you as 'we' and then you have to 'give her a cuddle' and 'put her to bed' how old is she ffs? why did neither of tell your wife that there was a phone working?

very different to my own parenting style which is a non-judgmental, talk it through, "being there" thing

'Non-judgmental' parenting with teenagers sounds ludicrous imo.

They need talked to, yes, if they should decide to talk to you which ime was seldom, but they need firm boundaries which don't shake when they get stroppy, demand more than is sensible or decide to do things which is to their detriment.

And if you talk to them do they listen, mine didn't due to them believing they knew better which is absolutely normal imv.

'Being there' suggests to me sitting on one's arse doing nothing whilst whatever fireworks goes on around you.

Agree...I don't get this either.

Where is the communication in this house???

This scenario should have been:

dw says she'll look for another phone for dd.
Op says, don't worry, dd already has one.
Dw stops looking.

OR

Perhaps dw didn't hear op. then op should have stopped her.

Op, what were you doing whilst she was looking? Whilst she was waking up dd? Whilst they were arguing?

If its literally that dw heard you but ignored you and insisted there and then on handing it over then the only answer or reason she might have done that for is she must be mentally ill. She needs help. Perhaps you need to explain this to your dd and she may become more understanding.

As for the cuddles, your dd obviously needed a hug and calming down. I doubt she bedded 'putting to bed'. That, I agree, is odd.

Think the part of this story about cuddling and putting to bed after an entirely unnecessary episode over a phone is very weird and seriously creepy

Me, too, education.

And, last year, it was DD being insufferably rude to her mother, resulting in an upset & anxious DW, while OP ... observed, then came on Mumsnet to complain about them both.

OP looks extremely passive-aggressive to me, and his wife sounds like a woman whose tether was over-extended a long time ago. DD's 18, she should leave home and start learning about how functional families work.

How old is your wife has she always behaved like this?
Only reason I say this is that quite often as a daughter reaches adulthood mums starting to go through the menopause?
I'm donning my hard hat as I say that!!

Only reason I say this is that quite often as a daughter reaches adulthood mums starting to go through the menopause

That's the first time I have ever come across this observation - perhaps because it is utter bollocks. And obviously they don't go through the menopause when sons reach adulthood

Had your wife been drinking?

The dynamics are very wrong here. I used to have similar situations with my mum. It was all very reactionary and overly emotional because she was abusive and mentally unwell. Threatening to kill yourself is not a normal response.

Technically/pedantically that isn't complete bollocks, because the ages do often tally. Teenage hormones and menopausal hormones probably do make for an explosive mix - personally I'm hoping that I take after my mother and have a late menopause, so that my own dds have left home by the time mine gets going . And perhaps "daughter" was used only because the OP has a dd.

But I do think it's an unwise path to equate "upset female" with "hormones", however. In the case of the OP, frankly I fear that his dw's problems seem to run deeper, due to a combination of her own fragile MH and also her family dynamic. For the sake of the dd and for herself/the OP as well, I really think she needs to get some outside help.

Love it when a points missed

it's what happened in my house, my mum was struggling with the menopause(mood swings and depression) as I got to eighteen. So it exerageratted everything. Two sets of hormones. It also happened with my grandmother and my mum. No sons to be able to compare but I'm sure age gaps can work the same there

Thanks purplesprouting for getting my point. Yes I did use daughter for that reason. I should have used children.
I think your right there's more to it and I don't like mentioning them but if it's unusual behaviour it's surely a thought?
Like you say its clear some outside helps needed

Right. If I can't put my arm round someone to comfort them when they're upset, you can report me, get MN to check the IP address and inform the appropriate authorities. Or you can do the other thing.

Hissy: You sound like you've got the t shirt. Time to get a grip.

To the sympathetic and helpful, even if they didn't coincide: thanks.

Bye.

I thought the DD was about 8 not 18?!!! My dad would have kicked me up the arse back to bed, not cuddled me while I cried it all out and put me to bed. WTF. Weird.

Quite frankly, why are people defending the mother who woke up the daughter and was offended that she was not thankful enough?
Even if she had no other phone, there was no reason to wake up the person, FGS.

Before you go, OP- why did you join your wife in the hunt for the phone that wasn't needed?

The behavior of all three sounds odd.

OP sorry that you are getting a hard time. It's perfectly normally to comfort a sobbing child, aged 8,18, 28. I understand that, also to then take back to bed in these circumstances is not creepy.

Keep being a good Dad, can you try approaching your wife's behaviour when she is calm? Explain that this behaviour isn't on, the name calling, hysteria and river threats are not what a parent should be heaping on their child, if she can't control herself then maybe suggest counselling?

If she drives your DD away then it will be away from you too. good luck fella x

THE DD IS 8!

Red flags all over this and it's not on the dw part.

An 18 year old getting hysterical and running n to the garden having to be fetched and comforted by her doting father ahhh how sweet!

Even if the dw was having mental issues which is what I think your trying to get at, any normal teenager would have just replied, 'yeah thanks what ever...'

You are actually creeping me out.

Oops fuck. Read that wrong.

Sorry, I'll go away.