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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you think this is acceptable?

47 replies

Slh122 · 11/03/2014 21:57

Feeling a bit too sensitive for AIBU.
Me and DP have a 7 week old DS. He's out the house at work 5 days a week from 7 am and gets home at 4.30 pm. However most weeks he spends one night a week playing snooker/golf and getting home at around 7 pm - wish he'd come home earlier but don't want to be 'controlling'.
DS is a very fussy, colicky baby and can cry and scream for hours on end and nothing you do can make it better :( I find it very hard to cope with sometimes.
Today DP went out to work at 7 am and then went straight to play golf after work and then after that went straight to football. He's still not home and said he'll be home between 10.30 and 11. DS has been screaming for about 3 hours now. I am exhausted - he's been fussing on and off all day. I just wanted DP to come home and look after him for a bit so I could sleep. He refused to come home, saying this is the 'one chance he gets to do what he loves'. I never get a break as DS is EBF and a bottle refuser. I am finding it very hard to cope tonight.
Is it acceptable for DP to be out for 15 hours and refuse to come home when asked? Or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 22:04

No, it's not acceptable!

My DH would go out once or twice a week...but if I ever called or text him to come home, he would, immediately.

He is doing what he loves? So he loves golf and football more than you and his child?

Original poster
Slh122 · 11/03/2014 22:06

I'm very tempted to tell him to sleep in the spare room tonight when he gets in :(

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 22:07

Have you started a thread asking for advice for colic?

For now, if you husband is going to be so lame, you need to get support from somewhere...can you go and stay with your mum/sister?

OvertiredandConfused · 11/03/2014 22:08

YANBU.

I really feel for you. I remember the fog of those early days, especially with first born.

He does need some down time, but so do you. Ideally, you'd talk to him and say that you don't want to be a nag so can you agree how you can divide the time he isn't working so you both get some down time, you both get some rest and you all get family time.

Conversation will probably be better when you are slightly less knackered and he's slightly less defensive guilty feeling

It will get easier.

foolonthehill · 11/03/2014 22:09

it would have upset me...a lot. i would expect someone who loves me and is concerned for my welfare to come home if asked...especially at this stage in a newborn's life when it is something he gets to do EVERY week. missing it wouldn't hurt him.

It's very childish and entitled to expect your life to remain the same once you have a child, at this stage (and indeed at all times in family life) it should be "all hands on deck" and not every man for himself.

Is he helpful and encouraging when he is around?

LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 22:10

I think actually speaking to him to tell him to sleep in the spare room would be very civil of you!

Is your baby in a routine? I'm prepared to be shot down in flames here, but I do suspect colic is linked to babies being over tired. I'm only saying this,because I want to help you, OP...I'm sure I will be shouted at shortly by posters who think I'm talking a load of tosh.

ThePinkOcelot · 11/03/2014 22:11

No, I wouldn't think that was acceptable at all.

He is being extremely selfish.

RandomMess · 11/03/2014 22:12

It is not acceptable at all. There is a huge difference between being left holding your "average" 7 week old to one that cries/screams most of the time.

Original poster
Slh122 · 11/03/2014 22:14

Lynette we have a routine - bath, a story, a feed and then in the Moses basket. He then has another feed around 10 pm and sleeps till 3 then 3.30 till 7. I agree with you re colic being linked to being over tired - he often gets himself so worked up and past the point of falling asleep that he either can't stop screaming no matter what I do, or he falls asleep and then wakes himself up and cries again. :(

OP posts:
Superworm · 11/03/2014 22:17

If it's not acceptable for you, then he should listen. End of.

No one 'gets to of what they love' with a new baby, it is full on in the early days when you are finding your feet.

I agree with the over tired thing, it was a big issue for us at that age. I had no idea they needed naps Blush but they helped a lot come bedtime.

Nappaholic · 11/03/2014 22:20

YANBU in the slightest ... It's HIS baby too and he should be pulling his weight.

Your baby won't be like this for ever, but it can seem endless at the time! My lot always went crazy in the evenings, constantly BFing to ensure a good supply for the next day (as I later discovered!).

Maybe you could swap places for one or two nights a week so he can experience it for himself? Men are not big on empathy, until you shove it in their faces!

You probably don't want to be social...could you go to a good, understanding friends' house and have a quiet nap there? Or take the baby with you and ask your friend to help distract/comfort the baby, take earplugs, and have a nap!

LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 22:21

Slh122 Is he getting enough sleep during the day?

Anyway, whatever the reason for the colic, someone else needs to be with him when you are exhausted from caring from him all day.

Looking after a newborn is a full time job, and when it's not a job you've done before isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world.

Original poster
Slh122 · 11/03/2014 22:25

Nappaholic I can't go out because he won't take a bottle. As stupid as it sounds I think even if I could go out I'd miss him too much. My mum comes over whenever I need her though :) so I always have that.

Lynette I try to get him to nap during the day - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. On the days he has a lot of sleep our evening/night time routine works really well. If he's fighting sleep for most of the day or only getting short 20 minute naps he's a nightmare come the evening. He does have wind but I make sure I get it up after every feed and the crying a lot of the time is his tired cry, not his uncomfortable one. He's off on one again now :(

OP posts:
Finola1step · 11/03/2014 22:37

YADNBU.

You both need a bit of downtime but his timing tonight is terrible. Does he see it that he had better put his foot down now or he will never be "allowed" to go out? He's being an idiot if he does.

He should have finished up and headed home. Where he is needed right now. I hope your baby settles ok tonight and you have a decent night.

Leave a note for your oh. Tell him that you are in desperate need for a break. So when he gets in tomorrow at his usual time, you will be taking a break, for the rest of the evening (apart from feeds of course). Have a long soak, a nap, go for a walk before the colic witching hour kicks in so that you are not tempted to take over. This is not a tit for tat strategy. This is you saying "I need a break too as soon as possible".

LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 22:37

OP, check out "The Happiest Baby" by Dr Harvey Karp.

Basically, Dr Harvey Karp suggests ways of getting your baby to sleep...if you can get your baby to sleep more during the day, the evening/night should be easier.

FancySpaceGloves · 11/03/2014 22:49

DS1 was a colicky baby. Screamed and screamed. Dr Harvey Karp worked for us too. Turned out he needed to be swaddled. Tight swaddling = proper sleep. Colic ended at about 12 weeks. It peaked at about 8 weeks.

Subsequent DC weren't like that, so don't let it put you off having more! Not sure about routine, I know it works for many people but no way mine were on a routine at 7 weeks (it was a different story at 5 months - then they thrived on routine).

YANBU to be upset at DP. Agree with Finola about telling him that you need a break once a week too, even if it is just to watch crap telly while someone else does dinner, nappies, washing, cuddles. He can deliver the baby to your tits every 3 hours.

FancySpaceGloves · 11/03/2014 22:51

To be clear: DS1 needed to be swaddled, Dr Harvey Karp did not need to be swaddled (as far as I know).

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/03/2014 22:54

Aw, and when do you get a chance to do what you love?

LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 23:07

I bet Dr Harvey Karp still likes to be swaddled at night Grin

"He can deliver the baby to your tits every 3 hours."

This is my quote of the week!

Original poster
Slh122 · 11/03/2014 23:30

Well, he's home. Have handed DS over to him and said here you go, your turn and got into bed for a sleep. Could not care less whether or not he's up early for work at this point.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/03/2014 23:32

Wishing you a good nights sleep, Slh122.

mrsspagbol · 11/03/2014 23:50

Sleep well OP - i
Still remember the colicky evenings very clearly Flowers

aw11 · 12/03/2014 09:39

Wow, I know it's hard with newborns, but really. The guy has one evening to himself a week (whilst working 5 days). That sounds perfectly reasonable to me, assuming the other evenings/weekends he pulls his weight and helps out. Yes it's tough and it's difficult for you to do anything without the baby, but your partner will need some down time aswell (and no, work does not count however easy you think it may be compared to the baby!).

Is it a case that because you can't escape the baby for a few hours a week, neither can he unless he's at work?

Ploppy16 · 12/03/2014 09:47

Hope you got a good nights sleep, Thanks for you, the colicky baby times are burned into my brain, I could have wept with delight when DC3 didn't have it! Google 'Tiger in a tree hold', it worked for me very well.
It's all by well saying that it's only one night a week but in the early weeks he should be more flexible and willing to say "not this week, am going home to help Slh with the baby, she's shattered".
He has plenty of time to play golf or whatever when you're all more settled.

MaryWestmacott · 12/03/2014 09:47

One night a week to your self once your baby is 6months + and/or sleeping well is fine, at this stage, when most woman are still physically recovering, decent men put their families first. Serious talk when you've all cal,ed down needed.

For daytime sleeping, will your baby sleep in the pram? DD would only sleep at that stage in the day if I was moving, I walked for a couple of hours daily, great exercise but also got her into a routine. Worth a try...