Would you think this is acceptable?

[Slh122]

Feeling a bit too sensitive for AIBU.
Me and DP have a 7 week old DS. He's out the house at work 5 days a week from 7 am and gets home at 4.30 pm. However most weeks he spends one night a week playing snooker/golf and getting home at around 7 pm - wish he'd come home earlier but don't want to be 'controlling'.
DS is a very fussy, colicky baby and can cry and scream for hours on end and nothing you do can make it better :( I find it very hard to cope with sometimes.
Today DP went out to work at 7 am and then went straight to play golf after work and then after that went straight to football. He's still not home and said he'll be home between 10.30 and 11. DS has been screaming for about 3 hours now. I am exhausted - he's been fussing on and off all day. I just wanted DP to come home and look after him for a bit so I could sleep. He refused to come home, saying this is the 'one chance he gets to do what he loves'. I never get a break as DS is EBF and a bottle refuser. I am finding it very hard to cope tonight.
Is it acceptable for DP to be out for 15 hours and refuse to come home when asked? Or do I need to get a grip?

AW11 what an awful response!

The OP is with her baby 24/7. Her husband gets off the hook at 7.30am and doesn't get in until 4.30pm - but then swans off doing what he wants to - not that the OP gets a chance to do that at all!

DS was very colicky - and it wasn't due to lack of sleep, it really was colic - on a bad night he would start at 7pm and scream until 5am. DH took the first watch at 9pm and I went to bed - he would get me up at 1am and I would do the rest of the night and DH would sleep - before going off to work at 7.30am. When he got in - usually 6.30pmish - I would often hand over DS to him and go and do something else for a bit (like get supper ready).

If you are finding getting your DS to sleep during the day problematic, have you tried going out for a walk - my DS would drop off in the buggy - although you had to be going over uneven surfaces so that the buggy was slightly bumpy (so I wheeled it over the verge rather than the pavement).

mistlethrush....he doesn't 'get off the hook'. He goes to work!

aw11 - have you any idea of the relief of 'going to work' as opposed to looking after a tiny baby that screams A LOT can be?

Yes I do.....had three very screamy babies. But the point still stands, he's going to work and not having 'time off' (apart from his one evening a week). The OP tells us she can't leave the baby anyhow, so forcing him to stop having a few hours a week to do something for himself seems a little mean. Kind of, 'well if I can't you can't either'.

To be honest I don't know why he can't look after the baby for a morning or afternoon at the weekend so that the OP can get out of the house and away from the little screamer for a while.

Seven weeks is still finding your feet territory. Going to work is far easier than being at home all day with a newborn and I say this as someone with a full on, physically demanding job. The commute alone is 'time off'.

Op hope you had a reasonable night in the end. I totally understand why it's difficult to leave a tiny baby, especially when breastfeeding. It's all hands on deck for the first few months but gets easier.

The last thing you need, is a grip.

You don't need a grip
What you do need is a team approach:

it may be fine to have an evening off...but it would never be fine to put that evening ahead of looking after your small baby and recently post partum wife who has asked you to come home to help BECAUSE SHE NEEDS HELP#

it is not selfish to ask for help when you need it, it is selfish to rank your entertainment/relaxation/social life over and above your family: at any stage of life.

Big talk, team expectations, let us know if we can support you and help you to know that it is reasonable and ok to ask for your needs to be met in the relationship, and for your DH to be an equal though different partner.

You know what, people go on about BF being best for baby but its not always best for mother.

It pisses me off so much that a certain type of man (ie a selfish cunt) will use the fact that the mother has no choice but to be attached 24/7 as an excuse to fuck off and do whatever the hell they like. You get platitudes such as "Well why dont you go out for a bit?" knowing full well that you cant but thinking that offering makes it all ok.

Sometimes I think that if you husband fails the "selfish bastard" test, you should bottle feed.

Sorry, that should be, you should bottle feed so there is at least a chance of equitable treatment!

I breastfed my children for a long time and enjoyed it but was very, very tied to them.

I always notice, though, that you can't tell which children are bf later in life. In my family with a lot of children in my children's generation, there is absolutely no link with closeness, achievement, health or happiness.

I've also breastfed for a very long time and would rather call DH on his behaviour than give up something we both enjoy.

I'm not sure why a mother and child should miss out on breastfeeding just because the partner is selfish. That just makes him more selfish surely...

Super I know what you mean, but sadly calling out men like this doesnt achieve anything. Leaving him for 48 hours with a stack of bottles to get on with it often has far more impact.

It just seems to me that many selfish gits use the fact that a woman is BF as the perfect get out clause "Well I cant BF can I? Why should we both have to sit at home all the time? etc etc"

It would be a good idea to start a thread on colicky babies. You'll get support which will be invaluable.

I think your dh is being rather unhelpful tbh, so a good chat and a calendar on the wall of when he's out might help.

My ds was a bit like yours, I think. Turned out he hated the Moses basket and the stupid swirly thing over it. I put him in a cot with a proper mattress - he looked tiny:) but slept all night. That and gripe water. But it did get better. Lots of daily walks ( he slept then, so I got peace if not rest:) and he snatched a chicken sandwich out if my hand at 7 months so eating properly helped:)

It does get better. Be really nice to yourself, its only 7 weeks. Your ds is still working out not being inside you and all this night/ day malarkey as well.

If you need things to be more equal, say you understand he needs his down time as that's what you now desperately need.

Make a point of matching his down time. If he's had 6 hours in a weekend day, you take 6 hours the next day and make it clear you're not doing any more than he is. If he has 3 hours during a week night, you match it the next night.

Even if you don't go out, make it clear the baby is only to be handed back for feeding, nothing more than that. Shouldn't take him too long to realise how demanding a baby can be and how much you need a break as much as he does.

YANBU. You need to speak to him and tell him exactly what you need from him. You need to tell him you need him at home after work.

It's a very very difficult time. We went through it with our LO and I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies.

If he doesn't want to be there or can't be there for whatever reason, then ask him to pay for someone to come and help you. I wish I had done that, because there were times when he couldn't be there or was there but not helping at all.

I would add though, one night a week may be ok, but he needs to give you one night a week off too, so you can catch up on sleep or get a break. Btw have you ruled out silent reflux or cows milk allergy for your baby?

aw11 you are perfectly welcome to come and look after my DS on 3 hours sleep while he screams all evening if you like.

Ginger think it may be reflux I had DS at the doctors this morning. I've been told to keep him upright as much as possible

DS has reflux and dairy/soy allergies. It was very hard going at times.

Upright, slings and medication helped. As does getting a break. Who does the nights?

Dd had reflux and colic and it was horrendous. Week 7 was breaking point for me as dh was covering for holiday so working 7am to 11pm including his commute. I went and spent a week at my parent's. Luckily dh was very supportive. He cancelled golf membership for the first year of dd's life. Yes he had work in the morning but I had to care for a child in the morning. We used to alternate to ensure we got 4 hours sleep each anything else was a bonus.

Meant to add, it does get better. Dd improved from 6 months and in solids and my second pg was twins but they were way easier than dd in that respect - if they cried you have a cuddle and off they went to sleep. Seriously I slept more with newborn twins than I did with a single baby.

This must be exhausting OP you need a sling and little rocking chair not a grip. And DS's dad needs a word or two.

Good idea, keeping DS upright, are you using a sling after winding him? They say rubbing circles or up and down is better than patting a colicky infant's back. He won't want pressure on his tummy until he's been winded but if he's so tired that closeness will soothe him. Perhaps you are already propping his basket up. You are already recognising the variation in cries aren't you.

The pitch of a baby's cry is designed to jangle the nerves of the mother. A colicky baby is going to be even more likely to apply that pressure. Escaping that noise for more than 60 minutes at a stretch so that you can hear yourself think let alone function unrestricted counts as a break if not actual down time in my book.

Lack of sleep is gruelling. If you handle night wakings I can see you'd be fed up if you had sole charge of DS for hours at a stretch midweek.

If it is possible for OH to do either golf or football next week but not both - a bit of tlc keeping you company will go a long way I bet.

Can your mum take DS for a walk now and then so you can grab a shower and/or nap?