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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you know when you're with the person you should marry?

37 replies

islanddreaming · 11/03/2014 15:10

Advice please!

Am freaking out a little and finding it hard to think straight.

OH and I have a generally happy, fun relationship, and I can't imagine not being with him. We're great friends, have plenty in common, our own space when needed, and support each other.

I know he is considering popping the question and am feeling anxious.

What if I don't love him enough? We've been together 4 years, but I've found it very hard to adjust from the excitement of a new relationship to being content and settled (never been with someone this long before). We have good intimacy, but I've never thought 'he's the sexiest man I know'.

Am nervous about the concept of 'forever' and the thought of having children etc... just not sure I can do it :( Has anyone else felt like this? I'm confused!

Thanks

OP posts:

Slapperati · 11/03/2014 15:14

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

For me I just felt unstoppably compelled to marry my DH, on paper it is a bad match, but I love the bones of him.

LastOneDancing · 11/03/2014 15:16

I was going to ask your age too.

I couldn't be without my DH. Seriously, I can't imagine being without him, even when he's being a pig.

And makes me feel like nobody else I've ever met. That's how I knew.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 11/03/2014 15:18

OP read what you've put here as if a stranger had written it. What would you advise them?

I never thought about any of these things. I had no doubts and just couldn't wait to commit to my other half, even though we were very young.
Likewise he felt the same and neither of us have ever regretted it.
Even on the way to our wedding my Dad said if I wasn't absolutely sure we could go back home and call it off. I told him not to be so daft and to ask the driver to put his foot down a bit

Gingerandcocoa · 11/03/2014 15:21

I understand how you feel. Committing to spending the rest of your life with someone is a scary thought and I think the fear of the "what ifs" can really paralyse you! I remember when DH first popped the question, it took me 5 months to say yes. I was so worried, what if I met someone else I loved more, what if I fell out of love with him?

My grandma was very wise and told me "you're never 100% sure", there's always some doubt... (I'm sure others might tell me otherwise).

I went ahead, married him, and could not be happier. I married the perfect man for me, and I have zero doubt about it now!

I just want to say, it's normal to be scared and not to be 100% sure! It doesn't mean it's not the right decision.

lesbican · 11/03/2014 15:22

At the tender age of 32 I have had a few LTR's and thought that I had perhaps been in love before. That is, until I met my current girlfriend. Quite frankly I have never ever felt this way before. She is on my mind day and night. We've only been together 1 year but I know this is different and would marry her tomorrow :)

When you know, you know. I think if you are doubting it then perhaps you're not quite in the same place as him?

tessa6 · 11/03/2014 15:23

I think there's a wisdom from posters here asking about your age. We focus so much on 'is it the right person?!?!' that we rarely just ask if anyone is the right person. It's entirely possible you just don't want to get married yet and that has no relationship with him at all. This was posted the other week and was good: waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

There is always doubt but there is also some stuff you shouldn't feel you are settling or compromising about.

dashoflime · 11/03/2014 15:30

If I was to answer with brutal honesty...

I knew because he was the one I happened to be with when I was in my 30's and wanted kids and he was up for that as well.

I love him, we get on really well (as housemates as well as lovers!), we have a good sex life, we can talk to each other. All that stuff...

However, I have been out with a lot of other people and some of them have been as nice, if not nicer. Some of them where the right person at the wrong time. Some of didn't want to settle down.

I used to have a thing for older men and that was a bitch because they were just at a totally different point in their lives to me and we rarely had shared goals.

DH was the best practical fit as a husband because he was there at the right time, at a similar point in his life for me.

I'd agree with the person who said your never completely sure. Also with , who hilariously pointed out that love grows over time.

dashoflime · 11/03/2014 15:31

*Tim Minchin

TheScreamingHeebieJeebies · 11/03/2014 15:41

When he proposed (out of the blue), I thought about it for about 30 seconds and then just had to say yes. It felt completely natural and I never had any doubts or anxiety about being married to him. The thought of having children didn't really enter the picture, I just wanted to be with him and knew we wanted the same things out of life. I've never thought he's the sexiest man I know though that would be Richard Armitage

Original poster

islanddreaming · 11/03/2014 16:51

re: age - 28. and a tendency to over-think things. parents divorced which probably doesn't give me a great experience of marriage.

I feel much less anxious when I'm actually with him, but sometimes when we're apart I feel like a totally different person! It's hard to explain.

I read that wait but why thing and thought it was good - I think maybe I just have some issues around attachment etc.

OP posts:

Andy1964 · 11/03/2014 17:03

INO if you have to ask then it's not the one.

Nocomet · 11/03/2014 17:17

DH would say because "there's nothing wrong, no reason for this not to work, it's good enough"

"Oh and I fancy her with no clothes on"

My thoughts were even less helpful, I'm not sure I fancy him, but he's a scientist who makes me laugh, knows how to kiss and isn't afraid of girls.

I was a girl, a 20 year old student agreeing to marry her second BF and the only man she'd ever slept with, six weeks after meeting him.

25 years later it was still the right decision, we both simply knew.

As did our families, no one was even faintly surprised.

MistressDeeCee · 11/03/2014 17:18

I didnt know DP was 'The One' initially. But certainly, by the time we got to the 'popping the question' stage - I did know. Not in an 'he is the love of my life' way, or even a certainty that all would be well - after all, you can't guarantee that. I just knew I loved him and we'd be ok in life together. So a mix of romance and practical was in my mind. A longterm relationship is about many things, in addition to love. You have to be 'for' each other. On the good, bad, indifferent, boring, wonderful days..its about togetherness. If you're over-thinking about sharing the rest of your life with your man and you don't truly have that loving feeling then maybe he isn't 'The One'. Or maybe he is...just imagine your life without him in it. Ever again. Picture it. Then think how that would feel. Maybe that will give you your answer

gamerchick · 11/03/2014 17:21

I dunno I just did. I always said I would never get married.. It just didn't interest me until I hooked up with my husband. Sort of blew me away and I haven't regretted it.

Still can't believe it sometimes because I was adamant.

cathpip · 11/03/2014 17:23

If you can't imagine life without him in it, then he is the one. My dh and I have had a lot of ups and a few downs, but even when he has utterly pissed me off I still can't imagine life without him there.

stepmooster · 11/03/2014 17:29

I had known dh years as a colleague. I was on my lunch break, and I remember it was lovely and sunny, he had asked me if I would do a boring phone conference with him and his US clients. I had forgotten about it and had wandered off out the office. He called me and asked me where I'd gone, and when I told him he insisted I enjoyed the weather instead of coming back to help him.

Instead i rushed back, and on the way I asked myself why I was giving up a lovely lunch break to sit in a boring phone conference with someone else's clients. It suddenly dawned on me how much I loved him, and that I wanted to spend my life with him.

Thankfully he had felt the same for a couple of months and had only asked me to assist him so he could engineer an excuse for a drink after work.

We had a very short 'courtship' but neither of us regret it, our boss was stunned when we told him we were engaged but honestly neither of us had any doubts and our boss has told us many times how much happier we both are now we are together.

I never believed this sort of love existed. I had walked away from a previous engagement because I was having doubts. I always felt over cautious owing to my parents split too. I don't think we would have got together mind if I had not dealt with my fears some months beforehand. I think you've got to be ready to accept love in to your life.

Jess03 · 11/03/2014 17:31

I met dh when we were very young, and had doubts about marriage because of our ages but we agreed on so many things and the things we didn't agree on we could talk about and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else in the world. You need to have a good think about whether it really is just nerves or if there is something about dh that's behind this?

magic8balls · 11/03/2014 17:32

Just to add something- I was 25 when my DH proposed, and I said yes straight away. Looking at us together, on paper you would say we're very different people, we have different 'goals' career wise, quite an age gap, and different life experiences. When I thought of marriage and children, it scared the life out of me! But although my DH & I are different, together we are very much one. I do love the bones of him though he drives me insane. Also he certainly isn't the best sex I've ever had or the sexiest man I've been with - and that's another thing: when you are with someone & sex that was maybe vitally important to you and isn't as important to your partner, but you still want to be with them despite that - that's love.

WooAGhostCat · 11/03/2014 17:34

You. Just. Know.

TortillasAndChocolate · 11/03/2014 17:49

I disagree that you just know. It might be like that for some people, but not for everyone and that doesn't mean you definitely shouldn't get married.

The fact you've said your parents are divorced does make a difference. It means you know from experience it's not all black and white and sometimes things go wrong.

The truth is you never know for sure. It's a leap of faith. But if being with him is better than not being with him, if you love him and respect him and you're a good team, then maybe it's worth the chance. On the other hand, if you're really unsure and questioning it a lot, maybe you're trying to make something right that's not. It's difficult and only you can decide.

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about marriage. Someone rang in and said when you know, you know. The DJ just said, well the divorce rate says otherwise . IMO marriages don't just work because people are right for each other, they work because two people work hard at them.

georgesdino · 11/03/2014 17:54

I 100% agree when you know you know. The rest is dead easy if you have the spark

wyrdyBird · 11/03/2014 18:07

Am freaking out a little and finding it hard to think straight.
...
Am nervous about the concept of 'forever' and the thought of having children etc... just not sure I can do it.... I'm confused!

If this is how you feel, don't get married, or rather, not yet.

Something is making you feel anxious, instead of relaxed and happy. Give yourself a bit more time.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 11/03/2014 18:15

I just knew, we went on a camping holiday very early on in our relationship and played 'house' . DH did the getting the water out the tent thing and was very respectful of all my masses of perfect piles of clothes, I chopped, he bbqd, we shopped, it just felt so right. It felt like my fave aunt and uncle who seem to have a great marriage and not like my parents who argued all the time and then split up. That was nearly 20 years ago and were still going strong.

LBZT · 11/03/2014 18:28

I married because I couldn't see an end to us. The longer I am married the more sure I am that I married the right man. Going through life and everything that has been thrown at us has made me feel more secure in "us". I honestly wouldn't have felt what I feel now at 4 years together in fact I remember still being unsure for years but each year that passes makes me more sure. 21 years in and I feel more convinced that I married the right man than say 10 years ago.

Phalenopsis · 11/03/2014 18:34

Can I just add that sometimes we want things in an abstract sense but when it actually comes to doing them for real, we get cold feet?

And also, not everyone is cut out to be married. It could be OP, that you'll never want to marry anyone even if you want that in a vague sense as I've mentioned above.

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