How do you know when you're with the person you should marry?

[islanddreaming]

Advice please!

Am freaking out a little and finding it hard to think straight.

OH and I have a generally happy, fun relationship, and I can't imagine not being with him. We're great friends, have plenty in common, our own space when needed, and support each other.

I know he is considering popping the question and am feeling anxious.

What if I don't love him enough? We've been together 4 years, but I've found it very hard to adjust from the excitement of a new relationship to being content and settled (never been with someone this long before). We have good intimacy, but I've never thought 'he's the sexiest man I know'.

Am nervous about the concept of 'forever' and the thought of having children etc... just not sure I can do it :( Has anyone else felt like this? I'm confused!

Thanks

How would you feel if you told him it was over and he got with a new woman. Would you be happy for him or would you want him back?

Deste you raised a really good point.

I was going to ask how you'd feel if he finished things today rather than proposed?

I don't think you should marry him. (Do you feel relieved or disappointed?)

I'm not married but I am with my partner for life. I knew the day I met him and I never once had a doubt. We went through thick and thin to reconcile our exceedingly different lives. I don't understand how anyone can contemplate committing to anyone else if they aren't 100% sure....

OK, at 28 I'd been married eight years and had two children. I was very happy then and am equally happy now.

Someone close to me had been with her live in partner for five years when she was 28 and said if he asked her to marry him she would. Everyone else was hoping he didn't.

They broke up. She was absolutely beside herself for a while. Within a year she met someone else and is blissfully happy. More than that, everyone around he is happy for her too as it's so obvious what a good fit they are for each other.

Island, I'm sure all the comments on this thread will be helping you clear your thoughts and feelings, but to me, you just don't sound ready so you mustn't be pushed into an engagement that may not be the right thing

I just knew straight away. On our first date we spoke kids and marriage. I've had one other serious relationship before him and one rebound, both of which thinhs moved far too quickly with moving in together and just jumping straight in full force. I knew with my DP is was different straight away as I made him wait for the first kiss, first time we had sex etc and he loved me even more for it.

Everything with him just feels so effortless and natural, it's the first time I've trusted anyone in my life 100% and didnt hesitate one second when he proposed to me. I just knew. I can't ever imagine being with anyone else ever. I'm the same age as you by the way.

It was easy to know, he was a fab man we worked well together, we were a great team.
We were happily married and would still have been had he not died.
I've been with my Fiancé for four years, the spark hasn't disappeared, we both know it's right, just not got around to getting married yet.
If a relationship starts off being hard work it will always be hard work.

I married someone I had been with a decade. It was a big mistake and over within a year. If you don't feel ready don't do it. Doesn't matter how long you have been with someone. Talk to him about how you feel. If you can't talk to him about how you feel then defo don't marry him yet.

I just wasn't sure. It didn't seem rational, logical or possible to know that you would want to be with each other forever. I couldn't comprehend it. So, 3 children and 12 years later we still aren't married and I can't see that that'll ever change. He is everything to me and my best friend.

Interesting responses. I am married but I don't feel that I can't imagine life without DH (in fact I'm enjoying a very self-indulgent week at home while he's away on business!). I lived independently for over a decade on my own and tbh I never imagined myself getting married. I'm very much a whole person on my own. But DH is the only man I've met that I could imagine have imagined getting married to - if we'd never met I would probably have spent the rest of my life on my own, not spend it searching out other men to settle down with.

We did have a few ups and downs in the early stages of our relationship and I found it hard to let go of my independence. I did the whole thinking about how I'd feel if we finished things and I saw him with another woman - let's just say it wasn't a happy thought!

As for having children - that needn't be part of the equation. I have no intention of having any more children but it doesn't mean that marriage wasn't right for me.

Thank you so much for all the replies. To the 'you just know' people, that's great for you, but for some of us unfortunately it just isn't that easy.

It's not even that I'm afraid of divorce as such- in some circumstances I think it is by far the best option. I just want to have the best shot at happiness and a loving family that I can.

I realised my now DH was going to pop the question and felt things similar to you. I wasn't sure, something didn't feel right, I even thought of ending it before he had the chance to. In hindsight (after being married) I realised what it was that was making me anxious - besides personal issues - it wasn't him, it was his family - or more specifically, his mum.

How I felt about DH that made me say yes rather than turn him down: the idea of living my life without him hurt me more than I could imagine. I knew that whatever happened to us, regardless of our ups and downs - even if he cheated on me, split up with me or got with some one else - I would never be able to not love him. Before I said yes I imagined what it would be like if we split up and he got with and had a life with some one else. I knew that I'd still want to be in his life, that I'd love his children just because they were his, that whatever happened I would want the best for him and for him to be happy, and that when we grew old and he was old and infirm and no longer able to look after himself I would want to be there to look after him. With all that it should have been obvious right? Well not for me it wasn't - perhaps I'm particularly clueless, or perhaps it was down to deep seated insecurities, having no self worth, and attachment issues. It took me a while to realise he's my one, but he's been it all along.