Does your Mum like you?

[DevonCiderPunk]

and if not, how do you both deal with it?

Mine doesn't... she tries her best to hide it, but I just get on her nerves. About 10 years ago the penny dropped and I started asking around the family and it turns out that she can spend a good half hour telling anyone who will listen about my flaws. This was a very hard thing to hear, but I've always known it deep down. If I tell her something in confidence (e.g. depression, marriage problems) she will take it straight to others and exaggerate it. And if I am having a hard time she will always find a way to make me feel like I deserved it.

It's incredibly sad and I would do just about anything to avoid this happening with my own daughter. What to do?

No, it's complicated here. We're very close in that we talk about everyday shit all the time, and share some failings, etc and she helps with the children and so on.

But she has never really liked me, and she doesn't like herself either. I was the bad side of her, my sister was the one she admired and stood on a pedestal.

She still does. She is afraid of my sister. My sister in her mind is bigger, better, stronger and terrifying.

I'm the one she understands and relates to but she always makes digs about the way I do things, like I'm there as a benchmark she can measure herself against and feel better.

It's just how it is.

Mind you with my own three children, who are all boys, I find it very very hard to love the eldest - it doesn't come naturally. I think I am doing some sort of transference. I wish I knew howto break through it. He comes to me the most often for a hug and I don't feel a thing, quite often

My mother though insists she loves him more than life itself - I feel like she has stolen him from me.

I adore my middle one on an automatic level, the youngest is just 'a baby' though. Maybe it has something to do with his father being a complete shit.

I worry about the way I feel towards them every single day, every minute. I hope what I am being towards them is 'good enough'.

I think my mother thinks she loves me. But I don't see how that is possible as she doesn't know me - she is too self-absorbed for that - and she thoroughly enjoys putting me down and has been known to say that she wishes I'd never been born, so...

I don't care, though. After years of depression, and an abusive marriage, and other forms of self-sabotage, I've finally reached a stage where I like myself. It's very recent, and I have no idea how it happened, but something finally seems to have clicked into place.

I have yet to have a healthy romantic relationship, but I believe that it is possible, now. Since I no longer feel I "need" another's love to complete me. (Am quite happy on my own, actually).

OP asked how we deal with it. Here's what worked for me:

• time
• therapy
• a period of NC
• accepting that she is who she is
• living independently, relying on myself, and learning to need no validation from outside sources
• getting back into contact, but only as much contact as I am comfortable with, and maintaining that emotional distance where I don't need her validation, and accept her for who she is.
• building positive things for my own self: friendships, career, personal plans...

No and has told me that she doesn't love me, I hadn't been wanted and they were so proud of my younger sister when she was a baby they kept getting her out for a look end quote, it's seared into my memory

How do I deal with it? Well, I have the only grandchild who is the spitting image of my Mother and my sister at that age and she adores her which I love to see. I won't for the sake of DD ever do anything to jeopardise their relationship although if either my DB or sis have children I fully expect my DD to be cast aside.

We are polite to each other, I am slowly stopping caring so much about what she thinks of me and I am almost over wanting her approval which I am never going to get.

It used to be hard but it gets easier to deal with her the older I get.

My mother has never liked me, she always claimed to love me etc. but her actions spoke far louder than her words. You don't treat someone you care about like shit for years.

It's harsh but I cut contact and feel so much relief from doing so. She will never meet my DC's and I will never have a mother and father figure in my life. It's so hard at times but I know it's for the greater good.

If they is a person making you feel that way, then they need to be cut out. It's bad for your health.

you know, I wasn't wanted even from conception!

My dm's first child of the marriage was perfect, she didn't want anymore dc's, then I came along.
I was never wanted,(massive backstory).

Eventually decades later, I managed to obtain my file from the home office( told you there was a backstory).
And, hey guess what, there it was, in black and white.
how I wasn't wanted, all relating to the dc , my mothers only love, who had sadly died of leukeamia when she was 14 and I was 13.

But, and here is the massive but, I learned early on that I could only rely on myself, which made me strong enough to move mountains.

So don't despair, it rejection form a parent can make you stronger.
(and more caring to othersXXXXXXXX)

My Mother has Dementia now so things are a bit difficult but a lot of things have come to light recently. She has lied to me and manipulated me for years. Dripped poison about my Dad and undermined my relationship with him. As a result my Brother no longer speaks to him.

It seems she has played me and my Brother off against each other all our lives too. Now she's unwell and I'm the one speaking to estranged family, her paperwork etc, I'm finding her lifetime web of deceit.

As to whether she likes me, I think the answer is yes if I do what she wants which I did for many years. When she become delusional last summer she told the Social Worker I was evil, plotting against her and didn't want me involved in her care. I suspect that exacerbated her true feelings about me.

I've had counselling and am moving on. I didn't see her for 2 months last year and my nails grew for the first time ever and I started to lose weight. I do see her now but as little as possible as she stresses me out. I am rebuilding relationships she has damaged with her lies.

My parents had a lot of children and - without being melodramatic - love was a bit of a luxury. My dad didn't seem to like any of us much, let alone love us. My mum thought she loved us but had no real idea about love. She would only say "I love you" when she was drunk and wanting affection from me. Because I couldn't say it back she decided I was cold. There are many ways in which she didn't love me. I don't know how to have relationships at all.

No, my mum does not like me and she is rubbish at hiding it (lots of tutting and eye rolling). She used to like me, when I was a meek submissive daughter who agreed with everything she said and did. I liken it to Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim hero-worships their abuser as a coping mechanism. Anyway, the scales fell from my eyes and I don't put up with her bad behaviour anymore.

If I disagree on the most mundane non-issue she will be offended. She sees me as an extension of herself, and to contradict her is a threat to her identity.

TBF I don't like her either!

In the past twenty years I've seen my mum probably about ten times. I prefer not to have any contact. I am much happier without her in my life.

When I had my first child I had severe post natal depression. I became obsessed that I would be just like my own mother. Everything from my own childhood came back to me and I had what you would call a "breakdown".

I had counselling and this helped a great deal. I am so close to my own children and cannot understand why my mum didn't like me or my siblings.

My Mum makes it clear to everyone that she tolerates me. When I speak, she eyerolls at other people, laughs when I recall unfortunate things happening to me, backs other people who I have fallen out with, and generally speaks for me and over me (eg. Aunt: "Where are you working at the moment?" Me: I got a job at X company.." Mum: "And they only gave it to her because all the other candidates found other jobs so she was the last one left. Nothing to do with talent...")

The worst was my speech at mine and DH's wedding where she heckled me, and had to be asked to be quiet.

I don't think she necessarily likes me, per se, I just feel that she is so repressed and embarrassed of herself (somewhere inside) and doesn't see she and I as separate human beings, that it's a form of self-abuse.

No not at all, she has made it quite clear that she only puts up with me so she can see the grandchildren. She never wanted children and says it would be better to have grandchildren without having to put up with the children.

Like some others have said I had the 'love you but don't like you' line when I was a child or teen. My mother does all the things she 'should' but I feel she doesn't like me. She always said I was cold, selfish etc. Now I find it very difficult to separate who I actually am from who she told me I was. She makes me anxious and angry a lot of the time. It has only been recently that I have realised this and now I am terrified of doing the same to my own children.

My mum loves me - but she likes my sister more than me.

She also looks after her in an entirely different way, e.g. by supporting her through work problems or recently arranging her entire house move for her. I'm mostly left to my own devices, although I'd never be turned down if I asked.

We're both professionaly in our early 30s, by the way, so technically neither of us is in need of maternal assistance.

professionals, even!

My mum loves and likes me but seems to dislike the fact I've grown up she always tells me the worst day of her life was when I left home, to still live in the same bloody town though! And if I turn up a song I like on the radio she will say she hates it and how we liked the same music when I was a child, I'm 47 ffs. And she doesn't seem to like the fact I've got a really good friend she moans I go out with my mate and not her I'm your Mother she always says, I do love her but its so difficult being everything to someone.

Wow interesting thread, so sad but I,m finding myself nodding my head in agreement with so many of you. Also very scared of doing the same to my own children. Parents play such a role in the kind of adult we turn out to be and sadly I think so many of us women are badly affected by them but don't always realise.

I am so sad for so many of you. Answering a poster up thread - yes, I am a recovered anorexic. My mother was controlling and taught me to control through food.

No, she didn't like me or love me much. Always critical, distant and I did try my best to please her until I rebelled against her. Very painful experience. NC now for ten years. In fact she as embarrassed of me.

I have a very superficial relationship with my mother. She doesn't love me and I believe she never has done. I have no idea why.

I can't think of anything that I have done that would have embarrassed her or made her think I was waste of space. I got good exams at school, I completed my first degree and got a first, got married got my second degree and a career in that field had children, worked and raised my family, lived in a nice house, good joint incomes everything that matters to her (she is very materialistic, happiness would be way down the list of priorities, money, big house etc would come above that) all the things she said she wanted for her children I had/have and happiness too.

Perhaps she's jealous that I have a close relationship with my children? perhaps shes jealous that I achieved the things in life that she didn't? I don't know.

Everything I do is wrong. My sister (3y younger) ran up debts on next directory and that was my fault! she took out a mobile phone contract that was my fault, my sister has mild learning difficulties which my mum has always played upon. Even my dad says my mum drove me out of home, she made my life unbearable, I hated going home. I moved out at 18 as soon as I could, had two jobs throughout uni and 6th form to pay my own way.

She will do things like book a holiday to take my children away with her and then let everyone know what a wonderful grandparent she is taking the gc to florida/Greece/spain etc. How much she does for us and how little she gets in return. Her neighbours who I don't know (I moved out before they moved to current house) know everything I have ever told my mum, they would ask me about job offers, how I failed an exam during my degree and had to resit.

If I make the mistake of saying in passing that I'm getting a new car/bed/pair of shoes, she'll go out and buy something flashier and more expensive. (e.g I brought a ex demo land rover discovery, she brought a range rover brand new, collecting 3 days before me as she was a cash buyer and I had to wait for finance to be returned)

Now my cousin has had a baby and she will be looking after it when my cousin returns to work, my cousin, aunty and cousins dh are there every weekend, if I ring and say shall I pop over, oh you could but x is here with y. Also if I ask her to babysit she will say yes and then postpone at last mnute, or she'll invite us for sunday lunch and then postpone/cancel or make out like is huge effort and we're in the way.

it does sound really petty and I know friends think I must be making half of it up, but its really hard to explain to those not in the situation how it feels. She does make me feel that I must be going mad, and that I must have made things up with her re-writing of history.

I'm trying really hard not to do the same to my dc, the difference being that I love my dc, all of them. love them equally. obviously they have their moments and I probably spoil them too much as a result, but I never want my dc to feel the same way that I do.

Is this what draws us all here, do you think?

Yes, vickyumym. I tell my DC I love them every day. I made the mistake of telling my dd she was beautiful in front of my mother once who turned straight round and said not as beautiful as you were! I was too plain to wear pink FFS. I could have strangled her on the spot!

my mum told dd1 (7) that she was an ugly baby! Ok she wasn't the prettiest and she is much prettier now (she was a huge red faced thing as a newborn bless her) but now have dd asking if she's ugly fgs.

I look back now and it really does sound petty but nothing was ever quite right, despite my mum having to have the right brands, john lewis kitchen etc, if I asked for a sony Walkman for my birthday I would get a Walkman but it wouldn't be a sony one. If I asked for dr martens I would get dr marten style boots but not dr marten, not through lack of money. My brother on the other hand (6yr younger) had reebok pump trainers, levi jeans, etc.

I do need to start therapy again, as with my cousins baby being born and the attention my mother lavishes on my cousin and the baby now, its brought up lots of conflicting feelings again and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to it all.

In a word, no.

I am the epitome of everything that has gone wrong in her life. I remind her of my father who upped and left when she told him she was pregnant. I ruined her career. She was a shop manager being trained to be an area manager and she had to quit to raise me.

She won't even tell me my father's name.

If I didn't have Ds, we would have nothing to do with each other.

No, never felt loved or liked by my adoptive mother, tolerated at best. Have very little contact now, she has dementia and I see her about twice a year for an hour each time. I feel sorry for her as I would for anyone in her position but she was an awful mother.

Have already picked my Mother's Day card which can only say happy Mother's Day!

Devonciderpunk, thank you for starting this thread, it's really helpful for me to read other people's stories.