Does your Mum like you?

[DevonCiderPunk]

and if not, how do you both deal with it?

Mine doesn't... she tries her best to hide it, but I just get on her nerves. About 10 years ago the penny dropped and I started asking around the family and it turns out that she can spend a good half hour telling anyone who will listen about my flaws. This was a very hard thing to hear, but I've always known it deep down. If I tell her something in confidence (e.g. depression, marriage problems) she will take it straight to others and exaggerate it. And if I am having a hard time she will always find a way to make me feel like I deserved it.

It's incredibly sad and I would do just about anything to avoid this happening with my own daughter. What to do?

I recognise my mother in so many posts here! I am also one who picks Mother's Day cards carefully, thank you for starting this thread it helps me to begin to understand it's not me,

I've always suspected my mum didn't really like me but her behaviour at my wedding 8 months ago has confirmed this is the case I now wonder if she really loves me and suspect she is completely toxic and possibly a big narc!

The whole process of planning the wedding she acted like it was her day, spent the whole wedding with a massive cats arse face on and then had a massive melt down the morning after while still at the venue because she'd being trying sooooo hard but i am the most horrendous daughter in the world......she hasn't spoken to me since....... Which is good as I am angry that she robbed me of what should have been one of the happiest days of my life and don't currently have any nice words for her!

Growing up she often told me I was a stubborn little bitch threatened to send me to the children's home if I didn't behave and would get into wild rages where she would threaten my father that it was me or her, either I left or she did, I would have been 9 or 10........I am very sad that I thought this was normal for so many years.

My mother does not like or love me and I have known this since I was very young. The feeling is now mutual!

She often said that she does not like children and that she never wanted to have children herself, but only did so because my father wanted them. I so wished when I was younger that I had a "proper" mother instead of the jealous, cruel, competitive mother I got.

What to do? Well- I realised that a life well lived is the best revenge! I use her example of how not to be a mother when parenting my children. I never want my children to feel about me the way I feel about my mother.

I do not like her, I do not love her and I look forward to the day she dies. I maintain a very superficial relationship with her and remember my three golden rules;

1. Anything I tell her will be used against me;
2. Never say I want anything as she will make sure you don't get it;
3. Especially never tell her about anything good that has happened or that I have achieved, as her jealousy and envy will make her do something extra bad to me to "punish" me for doing well or being happy.

I often think how warped it is that I consciously make sure I hide my happiness or achievements from her. I wish I had a mother who could be pleased for me instead.

My sympathy to all of you who have survived growing up at the mercy of mothers like these - it makes it easier to read your stories, though I wish for all your sakes that I was the only one.

First ever post - hurray! - wish it was more cheerful though.

a life well-lived is the best revenge
I like that. I'm going to use it. Thank you.

Some of these stories are terrible!

My mum wasn't violent or nearly as emotionally abusive but she was a bit.... indifferent? My brother was the one who she adored, and it spoiled him. When he behaved badly she turned her back on him rather than guiding him through. As a result he is an unhappy mess and a bully. She still obsesses about him though.

She doesn't seem to have strong feelings about me and treats me like a distant relative. She wanted children, but told me recently (she's in her 80s) that she didn't need a family (she meant me) because she had a big family in her siblings. I've been left out of loads of family celebrations including her 60th birthday (which my brother went to). I have been told by my brother and a cousin that my interest in the family is more or less unwelcome. This is weird because although I ask after the extended family I am not in contact with any of them because I don't really know them.

She tells me I'm fantastic and writes 'lots and lots and lots of love' in letters, but after all these years I think this is a bit of an act - her 'stately homes' justification. When I've had real problems she has shown no interest in helping me out - it was my stepfather who helped me when I was splitting up from the father of my three very young children.

Special items of jewelery etc have gone to my SiL. She asked me recently if there was anything I wanted and I suggested she pick something out for me, but she lost interest.

She's old now and I do what I can to support her but I have to take a big step back every now and then. Emotionally, when I think about my mums feelings for me I have in my mind an empty room. There is nothing in there for me. The maternal love that should be in that room is locked up in a chest somewhere else, and there is no point looking for it because the key is lost. This image gets me through a lot of hurtful situations.

My DM loves me but she is not that keen on me as she would have liked me to be a mini version of her and I really disappointed her. She has always been very overbearing and up to about the age of 30 I really believed that she was in charge of me. She joined in with all my activities with friends, and became friendlier with them than I was. She was very vocal about everything, about how it related to her, eg She would tell me how much better she was at swimming, ice skating, bowling etc.

At about the age of 40 I realised how clueless she was, and I have started to change the way I feel about her. Eg she wanted to have my friend's phone number so she could meet her for coffee but I would not let her have it!!

It still hurts when she talks all about her friends' children, my cousins etc, but is not interested in me. She is interested in the superficial details if my life and DC's, but as soon as I talk about any problems I might have she just changes the subject. I don't know why this is.

So much of this rings true.

Like sincity my mum list her mum at a young age so she didn't really have a mother daughter relationship to model ours on.

I have been nc in the past but we do now have a tolerant relationship. After she left dad and had the menopause she changed and isn't the woman I remember from my youth anymore.

So it's difficult trying to deal with the fall out I still have from her abuse in childhood but seeing her being quite different now.

These are so sad to read, mum is my best friend, my confidante, my biggest cheerleader. Feeling incredibly blessed x