Does your Mum like you?

[DevonCiderPunk]

and if not, how do you both deal with it?

Mine doesn't... she tries her best to hide it, but I just get on her nerves. About 10 years ago the penny dropped and I started asking around the family and it turns out that she can spend a good half hour telling anyone who will listen about my flaws. This was a very hard thing to hear, but I've always known it deep down. If I tell her something in confidence (e.g. depression, marriage problems) she will take it straight to others and exaggerate it. And if I am having a hard time she will always find a way to make me feel like I deserved it.

It's incredibly sad and I would do just about anything to avoid this happening with my own daughter. What to do?

I have always instinctively felt my m doesn't like me and have had plenty of evidence over the years but part of me doesn't want to believe it.

She was brought up in a family that valued men over women and lost her own mother early in life so maybe this accounts for some of it.

She has always been closer to my db although even he admits that she has been critical over the years.

This has been crystallised for me last week. My (rather weak- in character terms) df is quite seriously ill and I went to visit him last week. My m physically blocked him from me in the ward by sitting on the bed between me and him for the entire visit - the body language was incredible and it was then that penny finally dropped. it's taken long enough but it was a moment of clarity.

When I was young it always felt that they (M&D) were in an impenetrable bubble (now I know she constructed that), she favoured my db, possibly jealous of me - I came last and was constantly criticised despite being very successful although I didn't feel it and never have.

Never told I was beautiful (or even acceptable), never praised for anything - always criticised.

But I saw last week that she had prevented me from getting close to df as I was possibly a threat. I was very close to my grandmother (on my dads side) and she was always quite scathing about that).

I also remember staying with my aunt (her sister) when I was about 4 and her telling me that she always wanted a little girl and I was her angel. I think that stands out in my mind because my dm never said anything similar.

I would have loved a daughter (have two lovely boys) and could never imagine treating any child of mine like that.

It has been a constant source of hurt and will probably continue to be so even though I am middle aged. If I confronted her she would of course deny it as she likes to project a sweet and innocent persona.

Feels good to get that out

just remembered something else - last week she was looking at some photos on my phone - some of them were of me - and I thought quite flattering - she kept saying - oooh that doesn't look like you - I just kept repeating - wel it is me!!

Just found this thread, really 'rings bells' for me.

I really don't know what my parents do, or did think of me.

I'm left really confused after spending a nice few days visiting them...they couldn't have been nicer!

In fact, apart from not being THAT interested in what I'm up to, not seeming to be worried I have no job at the moment, or never had a career, (if I mention college courses I'm interested in, like I am at the moment...there is NO interest...sometimes a comment, such as "you couldn't do that").

BUT they will buy me gifts, take me for a meal, hug me and say it's "so lovely" to see me...then not be in touch for weeks. Really is SO confusing.

Does anyone else have this treatment??!!

I'll be left tearful waving goodbye to them, then a few weeks later there might be a odd, negative or uncaring comment in a phone call, emails and texts ignored and back to feeling maybe they don't like or love me.

I have a younger brother who, it seemed to me, they liked more. He was very pretty, whereas I wasn't. They compared me unfavourably to their friends' children....it was always "why can't you be more like ....?!"
They would boast about my achievements (well behaved, polite, kind and good at art) but at the same time constantly criticise me at home and to their friends.

I think they'd have liked me to be more outgoing, like my mum, but I'm fairly introverted and liked playing quietly with my toys and drawing and spending time with our cats.
I don't remember them showing me any affection/hugging me or seem that interested in me when little or a teenager, but at my birthday parties, my mum would show my friends lots of interest and when we were very little, even pop them on her knee and hug them...I would get SO upset and jealous...then my mum would make fun of me, making out I was being stupid and unreasonable. Hence, my friends all thought I had an amazing mum and were jealous! :/
I would try and hug my mum and she'd just say "what are you after?!" and ignore me.

There was a lot of being 'made fun of'...laughing at my appearance (even in front of their friends). I was already very timid and shy an became quite frightened of them and felt I must be very ugly.

I started to wet myself at school and friends' houses, I was so frightened to ask to go the toilet, as my dad would shout at me if I woke in the night asking to go to the toilet (I was a toddler). To this day (I'm in my 40s) I don't like going to toilet and 'hold it in'!!

By the age of 11 my mum seemed to 'freeze me out'. She no longer wanted to go shopping with me (which I'd always loved...just to the supermarket), she'd promise to take me and nearly always I'd wake to find she'd gone earlier than planned without me. This continued until my mid 20s when she reluctantly agreed to spend the odd day with me, but I could tell she wasn't comfortable.

Now I live the other end of the country with my boyfriend, they will visit, but didn't seem to really like doing that, until a few years ago, when they both became much nicer towards me.

She didn't like my friends as a teenager, saying they were 'using me' and were 'wet drips'. So in an attempt to win her approval I cut contact with them, then she complained that I'd got no friends.

Generally they both just seemed to avoid me, show no interest in me and enjoy making fun of me. My brother started to join in making fun of me as a teenager and would steal my belongings. My mum would shout at me to clean my bedroom, but go and clean my brothers' bedroom for him.
I dropped out college several times, but they didn't seem too bothered. I would ask for advice but they'd just say "it's your life"..as if it was nothing to do with them...even when I was 16!! I felt very lost, like I was drifting totally alone. I really wanted an adult to take me under their wing and give me some guidance, but even at college I would ask for help, but none of my teachers seemed interested

I went on a summer holiday in my early 20s and returned to find my dad had given my clothes to a charity shop 'by mistake' because the house was 'too messy'.

My 18th birthday present (jewellery) disappeared and when I asked my mum if she'd seen it, she said I hadn't worn it enough, so she'd had it melted down for something for her to wear.

I couldn't put posters up in my bedroom or decorate it how I liked...because it was going to be their friends (a couple who are still their best friends and would visit regularly) bedroom when I left home!
These friends were also free to criticise myself and my brother and make fun of us on their visits...which they did every time...my parents wouldn't tell them to stop..in fact they seemed to find it amusing.

Mid 20s I hit 'rock bottom', thinking of suicide, told my mum who said she'd "wished I'd never had you" :( Somehow I pulled myself out of that, found work abroad...decided to accept they didn't love me.

Not surprisingly I've grown up to be quite insecure, low self esteem, don't even bother anymore to try and make friends, as I don't believe anyone would really like me. I do have a partner of 10+ years who is caring and very supportive, has helped me believe in myself more, to be honest it's a miracle I have him.

I have left job after job, I can't deal with any criticism. I procrastinate on everything...even hobbies...SO frightened on being judged, even on my art work which I used to love as a child, so hardly do any anymore.
I've done a lot of self help CBT and hypnosis CDs which have helped, a diagnosis of an over active thyroid & medication means I feel far less anxious..but everyday can be a real struggle to get by and feel good about myself.

Lately my parents seem to be attempting to see me more and being much nicer...It's very confusing. I just don't understand why they were so horrible to me as a child, I was a very quiet and gentle child, I just seemed to be some emotional punch bag for them.

Do they like or love me? I've no idea! :/

Sorry just realised how crazily long & waffling my post is, woops!

She's dead. She didn't like me. I've had a bad weekend about it. I have therapy, periodically.

No, but to be fair she doesnt see people as being people just as things that are extensions of her and are there to meet her wants and needs. If they dont she has major tantrums, and tells everybody how abusive people are being to her. Shes the ultimate victim.

the thing is she is very abusive herself. As a parent she was emotionally abusive and neglectful. More than one during my life she made me go and live with other family members telling them how awful and abusive I was and how she couldn't live with me anymore. Then she didnt bother to ring me, see me or even pay toward my up keep. In reality I was just the person she blamed all of her problems on the person who was to blame for everything, shes moved on to another family member for that role now. My sister was the golden child that could do no wrong.

Ive almost gone no contact I have very little to do with her. I dont think shes noticed.

Oddly I think she would describe us as close, but thats more the image sge wants to project the person sge wants people to think she is. If I try to mention tge way sge has acted towards me it was always someone else making her do it, it was never her, it didnt happen. She never did anything for me, she didnt give me the things I needed she never spent any time with me.

I remember when I was a child looking at otger children with their mothers and thinking how come they get mothers that care and I dont? Even now at times I want to lie on the floor kick my feet and shout its not fair!

Im not the perfect mother, but I do my best and my children have a much better childhood that I could have dreamt of.

I honestly think shes incapable of love, sad thing is she doesnt k ow it she thinks she loves people but she doesnt she doesnt know how.

No, DM absolutely hates me.

Even as a child she has never ever told me she loved me, or even that she liked me, or that I had any good qualities whatsoever.

I deal with it by being completely NC

Life has never been better.

My mum liked me and was generally pretty kind to me so I know compared to a lot of you I am lucky.

But she was extremely repressed, to the point where I never actually felt I had a clue who she was. She buried herself so deep that she wouldn't let anyone see the real her.

I now realise she was pretty unhappy in her marriage to my dad and probably suffered depression which kind of explains things. But even though my dad was a bit of a bastard to her (nothing major league, just patronising and selfish), I feel more resentment towards her than I do towards him. Unfair, but it's a lesson I have absorbed well.

Reading this thread makes me realise that I'm not alone in having a nasty, hateful, envious, spiteful, warped mother, who blighted my life.

Thank you all. May you all heal and continue to have wonderful relationships with your own children.

My mum doesn't like me at all. She loves the child I was.
Yes to this

I don't think she ever anticipated me being a real person, let alone a different person than the type she wanted me to be.
Mine can't really get her head round me liking different things or having different opinions. She's also very smothering. it's so difficult being everything to someone. Yes, mine pulls the "lonely" card a lot but refuses to do anything about it, never rings Dbro for instance, just clings pathetically to me.

DM likes me when I'm doing/saying/being what she wants me to do/say/be. Most of the time that includes agreeing with her thoughts and opinions, letting her be the centre of attention, constantly reassuring her, doing things on her terms, putting her first. Disagreeing with her doesn't go down well. Speaking my own mind or, god forbid, defending myself when she comments/criticises, usually ends up with her being upset with me. Exactly. Mine is also jealous of DH and did her best to split us up.

When she doesn't get her way, she throws a tantrum, shouts and emotionally blackmails, triangulates individuals, tell lies ignores and neglects and acts the martyr, and sometimes its a combination of any or all of these at once.
Yep.

I grew up feeling totallly smothered by her "love" but now see it's not really love, it's that she sees me as part of herself. I understand why, her childhood and her relationship with her own mother was like a step by step guide for how to fuck someone up, but I can't be dealing with it.

I worry about repeating the pattern with my own DC.

No. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. We "tolerate" each other.

She accuses me of "using big words to intimidate her". I don't, it's just how I speak

She tells me that the bandana I sometimes wear (bad hair days) makes me look awful so I often wear it just to piss her off

Little victories=so satisfying

I have given up trying to figure out if she likes me or not. She does her own thing, I do my own thing, we meet up, and I suspect it doesn't go right for her. I have done my best so has she. What more can be done?

No, my mother doesn't like me or love me. She has never liked me.

She blames me for my DF being a serial adulterer. She blames me for my DF never paying CS, he did, she lied our whole childhoods, while turning my DBro against him. I am too fat, too tall, too clever. I have never made anything of myself. I am a slut. She says that I hate her, I don't, I just don't want anything to do with her now. She has always taken anyone's side but mine, including school bullies, an ExP who treated me like a dog and my ExH who hit me in front of her... I had emasculated him apparently. She has introduced me as her layabout daughter at my DGF funeral. My DBro is perfect in every way, he ha all the money we had lavished on him, public schools, every trip offered, took him on holiday. I went to BS for a while, but only because I got a scholarship, she pulled me out after a while, because girls don't need to be educated. She only likes my DS1, DS2 is beyond the pale, he has ASD and therefore isn't anything to do with her. When I had a nervous breakdown and nearly died, she refused to take care of DS2 while I was in hospital, so he had to go in to foster care, DS1 refused to let him go alone. They were there for 8 months because she kept calling SS and telling them awful awful lies about me, I am quite lucky to still have the boys. She called my psychologist and lied to her, which lead to me being given the wrong diagnosis (because she sounds so plausible, she made me look like a pathological liar)

She is lending DH the money to buy the house we're buying. She has made it clear that she is lending it to him and not me. It's very kind of her, but I know the price will be a high one, if we could get the money any other way, we would, but we can't. She is a vile nasty drunk. She recently got drunk and spent the night texting DH and telling him what a horrible person I am. That I lie. That I will cheat on him. That she is angry with him for being on my side. She called him to apologise to him for sending so many texts, he asked if she was going to apologise to me for saying what she had said, and she didn't see why she should. She acts like she hates me.

She tells people that I hate her. I wish, I really wish I could.

She tells people that I hate her. I wish, I really wish I could
Even just 'not caring' would be nice, wouldn't it? But you don't get over your mum not loving you.
I keep thinking maybe I'm unfair to mine. There were times when we had fun together, times when she seemed ok with me. My dad thinks I'm awful because I don't hide how badly I thought of her. It just is.

I think I make my mum feel deeply uncomfortable.

No - I just minimise contact.

GourmetGold

You should start your own thread with your story, because you obviously need support with your awful parents.

Posters are simply replying to the OP.

Some sad stories on here

I have a very poor relationship with my mother. Tonight, she turned up unannounced at our home and starting ranting how awful I am and dh is. I am not the daughter she wanted and she has compared me unfavourably many, many times to other peoples grown up children. How much they care for their parents and how little I care for her.

A question for those who have cut contact: if your mother is alone, how do make sure she's ok? My mother is a widow, she has no other family and v few friends. I feel I have a duty of care towards her.

I'm sure my mother loves me but I know for damn sure she does not like me. She spent last weekend ridiculing me in front of my oldest friends. She details my short comings to family and friends alike. At age 49, I still get hurt to tears by it. I think it is because I am disabled. I was born imperfect so maybe my mother just couldn't love me in the right way?

One thing is certain, I know how not to mother because of her. I tell my children I love them every day. I hug them for no reason. I try to be their biggest support. I make a point to praise them in front of other's. I never ever want them to spend one minute of their lives questioning my love for them.

My mother does not like me. She does not understand me and I think I remind her of everything she could have been.

She does not like my father either. After almost 50 years of marraige they hate each other unequivocally but their religion forbids divorce.

98 percent of the time I no longer care. She does love me; it's just the me she loves is not me but her ideal of who I should be.

She doesn't know my job title, my qualifications, my friends, my joy,s and successes, how can I feel anything but pity for her?

I'm so sad for the children you all were, craving love and never receiving it. I seriously want to hug the lot of you.

Re:my own mum. I've honestly never thought about it. Presumably this is what security is? We've obviously had our ups and downs, teenage years were a bit fraught due to hormones but I can honestly say that despite some issues, I'm pretty sure that she likes me, loves me, and is proud of me. I used to think that DBro was DM's favourite but things seem to have levelled out now that we're adults. Was probably just him being the baby!

I hope that all your wonderful DCs will have that same feeling of security and knowing that they have been and are loved when they are adults.

I honestly don't know. We certainly have a difficult relationship that veers wildly from friends to not more often than I care to count, and I am acutely aware of the fact that most of the time she only visits to see dd.
She left us when I was in the middle of my GCSE's and my dad and I became very close, which I think she still resents. And my brother is the golden one, the best, the finest and the bringer of all good.
So I don't know, I hope she at least likes me but I suspect that she finds me irritating, dislikes my choice of partner and compares me (unfavourably) to my brother. But then she tries so hard sometimes that I feel hideously guilty for writing this post. In fact, that's how I feel about my mum- guilty. Guilty that we don't get on as well as we should, guilty that there will always be a wall between us and guilty that I haven't turned out the way she hoped. Honestly, writing this has me totally baffled.
Sucks, doesn't it? I hope to god I manage to have a better (clearer?) relationship with my daughter than I have with my mum.

ScrambledSmegs I thank you for your acknowledgement.

It is what it is and I guess you can't miss what you never had. But I do perform a bit of a head tilt when I hear of loving mother-daughter relationships in a "That must be nice" type way. My DF died when I was 4 and I often think that I have no idea what it's like to have a loving mother or even experience having a father.

But I do ok. I've reconciled this over the years and am at peace with myself. I've struggled a bit in being a mother to my son, especially in the early years (but so have many who have had loving parents, I'm not claiming it's exclusive ) having not had a "role model". But plenty of people compliment me and my DS so I guess I must be doing something right!

natasha do you mind me asking....would you do NC if you were an only child?

My mother sounds a bit like yours - for years she has told me how selfish I am, I don't care about her, my 'cronies' are more important than her. When I was young, she told me I had no redeeming features. That comment stayed with me for years. She would often lose her temper and rant and rave for hours. Sometimes if I was naughty when I was young and we were out in the car, she would leave me by the roadside for half an hour or so. I have no idea if she worried for my safety.

I have a much older sister who lives abroad. Her and our mother's relationship is often rocky too. They use to row a lot when I was a child and I often overheard terrible shouting matches.

I have considered NC for a while; but while I am the only sibling in this country and my mother is now in her 80s, I feel some responsibility for her care. I don't know what to do.

I have felt down all day today because last night she came over to our house out of the blue just waiting to pick a fight. It was the usual stuff - how awful I am, I don't care about her, I'm spending too much time with my dc in the evenings (!). She eventually left at 11.30pm after we listened to her sob story how hard her life has been. And to be fair, she HAS had a horrible life but it could also be a lot worse. I have been married for nearly 17 years and in that time she has done nothing to make life easier for herself.

The stately homes stuff really rings true - I am always hearing how much time she spent making me parties, private tuition when I did my A levels, taking me here and there. I don't think it was much different from what most parents did.

But it doesn't take away the hurt. She wanted to make me like HER - i.e. an obedient, compliant child who wouldn't say boo to a goose. I can have quite a fiery temper and for years she berated me for not being 'placid' like some other child she knew.

With my own children I believe it's so important to totally accept them how they are and I really try to do this. Unconditional love. Make them feel great about themselves.