Does your Mum like you?

[DevonCiderPunk]

and if not, how do you both deal with it?

Mine doesn't... she tries her best to hide it, but I just get on her nerves. About 10 years ago the penny dropped and I started asking around the family and it turns out that she can spend a good half hour telling anyone who will listen about my flaws. This was a very hard thing to hear, but I've always known it deep down. If I tell her something in confidence (e.g. depression, marriage problems) she will take it straight to others and exaggerate it. And if I am having a hard time she will always find a way to make me feel like I deserved it.

It's incredibly sad and I would do just about anything to avoid this happening with my own daughter. What to do?

How have the people who have managed to have good marriages done it?

I just don't believe that anyone could love me. Even though I know now that it was a lack in her rather than me, I just don't recognise 'love'.

I actually have no idea how I would know if someone loved me or not.

Some sad stuff on here.

My mum loves me in a way but don't think she likes me much tbh. Well I think I am not the daughter she wanted and she has struggled to accept me for what I am and I have struggled against her controlling me.

She's a bit of a narcissist I think.

Folkgirl I don't know how to answer that. I knew that DH and I had that special connection. BUT almost 25 years in and he is still saying to me that I have no idea how much he loves me. I can't understand why he misses me when he is away. Luckily as I get older I am understanding more about being in a loving relationship. I think I have moments of clarity/selfawareness that help me. Maybe the only thing I can say is listen to others. Friends opinions are the ones that count. Believe them when they praise you, remember they choose your company. Relationships then become easier. Ironically my relationship with my parents have made me very good at working with children. Silver lining in everything.

I don't know Folkgirl but I was very cautious in my 20's and never "let myself go". Everything was about self discipline and doing things right. When I met DH I just knew and was just lucky to find a good man. For all her faults I have never heard my MIL criticise one of her children.

I think if I'd compromised over relationships earlier I'd definitely have a broken marriage behind me.

Good luck time heals.

A good marriage now....... I think because my father tried to make up for it. He and I were close. My parents divorced when I was in my teens. But, he let me down by spending a few years 'sorting himself out'. Which meant I had no body.

It took me a long time to forgive him for that.

Also because although my pil don't have a perfect marriage, they are respectful and devoted to each other. I can believe dh wants to replicate this in our marriage. In fact my pil have taught me alot.

I've been with my DP 16 years now and I think one reason we get each other is because he also came from a very difficult family and traumatic childhood. We've both worked hard to overcome it, but at the same time we know what it's like to have inadequate parents. He backs me up in regard to my mum, he sees her for what she is and that's invaluable to me.

At the same time though, while we love each other and are close, deep down I travel alone, if that makes sense. I don't expect anyone to love me or hold my end up, if they do it's a bonus, but I'm prepared for it to end any second. I don't think I'll ever really "let go" but I think I have accepted that.

nope. i was conceived to attempt to save my parents' marriage and they split up when i was 2. she has never forgiven me. her second husband was a violent alcoholic and she also developed a nasty drink problem. i have never been good enough for her.

i went no contact 6 years ago - my DH asked me why on earth i continued to see her when it caused me so much stress and pain. i literally couldn't be in the same room as her.

she has 3 children and 6 grandchildren. none of us have any contact with her. i don't even know where she lives.

she's 75 now, and diabetic and alcoholic. sometimes i think she stays alive just to spite us. i worry about my mental health when she does die - i won't grieve for her; rather for the mother i never had.

i am in my early 40s now, and a recovering alcoholic. i have had spells on a psychiatric unit and multiple suicide attempts. i have had therapy, counselling and every medication you can think of to try and manage my depression and anxiety. AA is currently keeping me sane.

i am also facing a second divorce. i cannot form relationships as i can't trust anyone, or believe that they could love me. i sabotage, and hurt myself, and struggle with day-to-day life. i have a daughter who i adore. she is living with her dad due to my issues and i am rebuilding my relationship with her.

i am not my mother. sometimes it's hard to remember that. i don't think there is anything more damaging to a child than being aware that their mother neither loves nor even likes them.

My mother doesn't like me either. Apparently I ruined her life when she got pregnant with me at 17 and she often told me she wishes she'd never had me.
I wasn't an easy child, but I had a very difficult childhood and all I wanted was some love and acceptance.
Also I am fat, which in her eyes is the biggest sin one of her children could commit against her.
Forget the fact that I did well at school, went to uni, got a well paying job, met a nice man, married and gave her 4 grandchildren. She is ashamed of me because I am fat, nothing else counts for anything :(
Now I have moved to the other side of the world, gone minimal contact with her and she will never see her GC again. Something I know upsets her greatly but I really couldn't bring my kids up seeing their mother treated like that.

I have only recently recognised that my mother doesn't like me. I don't know why she doesn't- she seems to like my sister well enough.

At first I thought it was because she prefers men- my brothers have always taken first place- but as I say, she seems to like my sister.

What really upset me just this week is that I've spent years caring for her during various operations/hospital visits etc and it's all meant nothing- I knew she complained about me to my siblings but I found out she's even complained to her doctor.

So now I've decided that since I've already been given the bad name, I might as well earn it.

Another careful Mother's Day card chooser here..

Sparkly and Folk Girl your discussion about relationships has really struck a chord with me.
I have no idea how to have an argument - and importantly, how to resolve it. It's something I really struggle with.

Growing up, my mother would give me the silent treatment for months. Wouldn't tell me what I did to annoy her, but then one day suddenly begin talking to me again.
It was unsettling and upsetting to say the least.
Now I have no idea how to argue fairly or how to resolve a conflict in a relationship.

droopytulip I soooo understand what you're saying. I can't ever go to my mother with personal problems, because I will inevitably be judged by her. I once told her; I need advice, not criticism. She told me she couldn't advise someone who was so despicable. **Note: I was unsure about breaking up with a boyfriend because I liked someone else. I was 18.

My mother repeatedly asks to see DD without me. But whenever we're in a bind and need someone to watch DD, she's "got a hair appointment", "too tired," or "doesn't appreciate being treated like an on-call servant."

Fuck, just reading as I type. ..why do I even bother?

Glaf yout children can recognise that they have different ideas from your mother. I bet they appreciate you more than you know!

No she really doesn't. The feeling is mutual. Nc now for a long time.

Apologies, I am barging in slightly, with personal interest really- I have an interesting relationship with my DM but I am studying eating psychology and a theme that often comes up is the link between women's relationship with their mother and with body/food. I find it a really interesting parallel as it seems such a dynamic between mother/daughter can not only affect relationships with other people. Could I ask how those who have said they have a DM who doesn't like them would describe their relationship with body/weight/food?

Hi chups

Maybe PFB was a wrong choice to describe parents who are interested, caring, affectionate, kind, loving and not too selfish or self absorbed.
Definitely not spoiling or living through the child.

What I wanted to say is that growing up I felt pretty much invisible. At 10 years old I really wondered if I was there, was it real? was I a product of my own imagination? Could anyone see me?...
When I established I was real, I searched my house for years, looking for adoption papers. I was absolutely sure I didn't belong, I wasn't welcome, and I needed to find a reason.

My whole life I craved for loving parents.
I had a privileged upbringing (not in England) and I could see disadvantaged kids being happier than me. They didn't have the financial security my family had but they were loved and I was jealous.

Afrodite have you ever read up about 'ghosting'? If I remember correctly its when children are made to feel invisible. It is another one of the awful things abusive parents do. Something else that astonishes and reminds me about how messed up people can be. We all need to hold on the the truth that "it's not us, it's them"

My mum would tell anyone who listened that she loves me. She doesn't, not really.

She loves the idea of loving me but can't actually manage to do it. When my marriage broke down (due to DV) she blamed me.

She was thrilled to pieces when I had my eldest son. I think that a little boy was what she had always wanted. We were 'close' after he was born but only because of him. She did threaten to take him off me on many occassions and told me that I wasn't a good mum.

He died 20 months ago and her primary concern was my dad and sister. Not me or my partner or my other son. She said and did some horrible things and I will never forgive her. I know that she lost the most important person in her life but she hurt us so much.

The trouble is, that when her and my dad (who has always enabled her) need looking after or support it will be down to me because my sister is a useless waste of space. I resent this and resent the fact that I will end up being my mums carer when she has never cared about me.

sleepiewendy
I have no issues with weight or body image but I'm very into food, I love it.

I cook the basics and I'm not adventurous with new ideas or recipes when cooking maybe because I grew up listening my mum saying how much she hates cooking and kitchen.
She also claims she needs the bare minimum food to survive, she doesn't care about food (lie) and she wish scientists would invent pills to replace meals (bonkers)

My two golden siblings were very fussy (and sick) as children whereas I could eat anything and was super healthy.
Now they eat normally but I'm not sure if they have body image issues.

Folkgirl you asked about how you can have a happy marriage after such neglect as a child and the answer, for me at least, was a lot of counselling before I met DH.

I know what you mean about not believing anyone could love you and I often wonder why DH is with me. We have a happy life though and he totally has my back when it comes to my parents.

I found relationships a real struggle before I developed the skills I needed for them through counselling. I just didn't have a proper concept of boundaries.

exWife I could cry for you. I, too, have had a spell on a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt and I also have big problems with alcohol. I have never felt more alone in the world than I did at my worst crisis point.

Interesting sleep.

I had bulimia for about ten years, it only stopped when I had my dc. For some reason the urge completely disappeared with the birth of my first child. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on that.

My relationship with food still isn't great, I see it as a reward and am terrified of becoming overweight. If I put a few pounds on I am tense and feel very very low until I lose it. After my children it's probably the thing I think obsess about the most.

No she doesn't, she thinks I'm a defective freak who she ought to have aborted (her words).

I deal with it by being icily polite...and that only because going nc would cost me the rest of my (generally fantastic) family.

mumof2 You do not have to care for your mother in old age. She did not care for you in infancy or when you went through such a terrible tragedy (I am so sorry to hear about the death of your DS, I cannot imagine going through worse).

I will NOT be caring for my mother, not even if I am the last person on the planet around to do it.

my adoptive mother loved me to the ends of the earth, and I her.

When she died, I was left with my father. He did love me then but he was not up to the job of handling a deeply grieving ten year old. As he said later, all he could do was feed me and keep me clothed. Never went to where her ashes are scattered, nothing. He doesn't even know where they are. Admittedly after a couple of years I went into teens and was angry and very difficult.

When he remarried, he made it blatantly clear that I wasn't wanted. There was, in retrospect, quite a bit of unkindness to put it at its best. I wasn't allowed in the same room as him and his wife. Literally. Had to stay in my bedroom if I was in the house for 18 months ... unless others were there. Then they were nice. That's just the very tip of the iceberg.

He made it crystal clear that he neither liked nor respected me and that has not changed. I spent many years running after his approval and finally a couple of extra nasty things broke the bond.

He doesnt like me and I don't like him, if he suddenly decided he respected me now it would mean nothing. But it's affected me so deeply and still does, desperate to earn approval. From beloved only child to actively unwanted and in the cold, it hurt and still does.

I look forward to the day he's no longer on this earth tbh. Terrible thing to say but I won't apologise for it.

ghostinthecanvas that's so interesting, I will research it, thanks.

I just remembered that as a teen I had lots of boyfriends or dates, my mum would ALWAYS encourage my relationship with the bad guys and sabotage the good guys.
I just realised it when she tried to spoil my relationship with Dh after Dd was born even knowing all the shit I went through with my crazy exH.

I'm not sure if this was unconscious or not, but she had been through 2 very abusive and damaging relationships when I was a child so she definitely should know better.

No. It's painful to think back to being a child & having her hug me & tell me she'd love me 'forever & ever' & realisibg that only 20 or so years later I'm at the realisation that's not true.

She has zero respect for my acheivements professionally or as a mother. Her admiration of h is clear. Her 'adoration' of my kids is skin deep; they're pretty accessories to the image she likes to present to the world; their loveliness is in spite of me, not because of me -she never misses an opportunity to bitch, gripe or relay anything personal I've disclosed to her.

She dislikes me so much she would rather i stayed in this shitty, abusive marriage than had a chance at freedom & happiness. (she stayed in her crqppy marrage, so why should i be allowed to leave?).

she throws tqntrums avbout nothibg then pins it all on me & never ever apologises.

I know that my love for my dcs could never evaporate as they get older; i won't be replacing them with my grandchildren when the time comes. she's a fecking bitch & i'm not - that's the difference.

mumof2teensons I'm so sorry for your loss. still worse that your mother added stress at this time.

folkgirl I guess I had the first ten happy years, they gave me enough -just- to be able to survive. The awful next 12 years did a lot of damage though and it took many years and intense, excruciatingly difficult therapy to learn how to handle a relationship. Even now I still have troubles but try not to inflict them on my husband. Just hope, desperately, that we can be good enough parents for son-and-Bump