Helpful (and unhelpful) things to say to someone who is depressed

[Lottapianos]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years and am having a fairly rubbish time with it at the moment. It's reminded me what a lonely place it is. My friends mean well but they don't get it at all. My DP is very supportive but asks me too many questions.

Inspired by the thread about helpful/unhelpful things to say to bereaved parents, I thought it might help to share some do's and don'ts for those supporting people who are suffering from depression:

• Stay in touch - text often, sometimes a phonecall is too much but a text allows the person time to respond if they want to
• Don't keep asking the person how they are
• Don't ask the person why they are depressed
• Don't ask the person what they are going to do about being depressed
• In fact, just ease up on the questions altogether. It's unbelievably exhausting being asked questions when you feel like this
• Don't push the person to take antidepressants but support them if they choose to do so
• Support their choice to see a therapist and as above, don't ask a million questions about their sessions. Respect their right to not see a therapist if they so choose
• Good things to say: 'I'm sorry', 'that sounds really rough', 'it must be very hard for you right now', 'take time to feel what you're feeling', 'I'm here', 'Im thinking of you'

Please share your suggestions

Only helpful one I have- DH likes "How are you doing?" rather than "How're you feeling?" Allows him to say 'good' without having to put a brave face on; as in that he feels crap but is coping. And to say 'crap' as well.

I think the real problem is not so much what is said but why it's being said. Very few of the things that have been posted here come across with any of the dismissiveness/vitriol/sneering that they're said with in RL. Who would say to someone that they should 'think themselves lucky' except somebody who thinks they're being pathetic? Unfortunately it shows in their tone. I'm shocked at what some of DH's freinds have said to his face. And I get to hear their warped reasoning when DH has retreated.

I am shocked at some of the attitudes to mental illness out there...

Nicename, I do the opposite actually, if I'm not feeling great, our even comfortable when I'm out somewhere, I hardly drink anything. I'm too scared that I won't be in control enough and I'll say something that I'll beat myself up about daily for the next 4 years.

I'd probably be a lot more fun if I just let go a bit more.

Hi, really good posts.

I wonder if you could help me. Partner of six months has been depressed since Christmas - we do not live together and everything was great, long story but has lots of pressures recently - work/ex-wife. He has totally cut off from everyone, I've hardly seen him and when I have he has been upset, which has really upset me but have tried to be supportive but he just wants to be left alone. I last spoke to him 3 weeks ago and sent him one text since - he has not replied. He was on med but stopped taking it. Should I respect his wishes and not contact him or do you think I should send the occasional text, if so what should I say - I just can't seem to help him x. Any advice would be appreciated x

Oh, :( Munchkin. I honestly don't know whether to say he's just not that into you, or recommend gentle pressure to take his meds & go back to the doctor. It might be a good idea to ask him if you're still in a relationship, but so much depends on the general background & nature of your relationship. Sorry not to be more definitive.

Munchkin really sorry to hear that. Ime people need to take control of their condition and they have to self manage something like depression. It's easier said than done but ultimately only he can make himself better. That said, it means a lot to have a text from someone saying they are thinking of them and they care about them even though it's sometimes too much to even text back.

In the meantime though you have to get on with your life. I'd agree he needs to say yes or no to the relationship now. It's not fair to keep you hanging, illness or no.

Baker It feels almost painful whenever I think about it. I spend hours getting ready so no one thinks I look weird/messy. Then I worry about seeing the people again and if they judged me. I hate being the centre of attention due to the fact that then more people will see something I did wrong! It's like that thing with some teenagers who don't want to be seen with their parents, only more like not wanting to be seen with/as myself.

Cuxi, do you do affirmations? I find mine work The trick is not to go in for "I am beautiful/perfect" type statements, that you'd find ridiculous, but the sort of kind reassurance you'd give a nervous child, like "I love myself for who I am," and "I look okay."

Mine mostly boil down to different ways of saying 'I'm alright, really'

Cuxibamba yep! I sorties soured hours getting ready then spend hours worrying that I look like I've spent hours getting ready!

And I'm getting married this year, and having it small, mainly because I don't want to be the centre of attention in a massive group and also because I don't want my wedding to be compared to all the other big weddings I have been to, and come up short.

Bit maybe this is low self esteem rather than depression, or maybe they are all linked?

I have generalised anxiety disorder and depression, so I think it relates more to the anxiety. I think it's a mix- even pre depression/anxiety (started as a teen) I looked for praise and had low self esteem, but the depression and anxiety has made it almost nonexistent.

Baker, low self-esteem and depression most certainly are linked! I'm finding compassion-based work very helpful with anxiety, Cuxi.

Do people with very high self esteem get depression? I'm trying to imagine that situation, but can't.

"It's all in your head" - worst place it can be!

I hate it when people say its just 'attention seeking'.

Why is seeking attention such an awful awful thing by the way? Attention is important, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to need attention.

It's something that irritates me. Human interaction is a very basic need, feeling recognized, cared for and heard all require engagement and yes, attention. It's not a dirty word!

I don't have depression, but have schizophrenia with mainly neg symptoms (which are similar to depression) so I understand loads of these.

Don't tell me to fake it until I make it. That's like telling me that if pretend my broken leg is fine and decide to go play football, it will heal itself. Not going to happen.

Don't tell me that I need to thik positive. Trust me, I'm trying. Unfortunately, my brain is mainly against me. Also, every single day I'm trying- I'm putting a lot of effort into getting up, getting dressed, going to work- and a lot of people can't manage that despite trying their hardest. Sometimes, all the effort you put in won't cure an illness- and nor will nagging.

Garlic and living thank you for your replies. Although I have a great urge to text him I think I will leave him and if he wants to contact me he can. I have sent him some really nice texts saying how much I am thinking about him, tbh I don't think he could handle a relationship at the moment but as a friend I just wanted to offer support but he has just hidden himself away and he has fallen out with most of his friends.