Helpful (and unhelpful) things to say to someone who is depressed

[Lottapianos]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years and am having a fairly rubbish time with it at the moment. It's reminded me what a lonely place it is. My friends mean well but they don't get it at all. My DP is very supportive but asks me too many questions.

Inspired by the thread about helpful/unhelpful things to say to bereaved parents, I thought it might help to share some do's and don'ts for those supporting people who are suffering from depression:

• Stay in touch - text often, sometimes a phonecall is too much but a text allows the person time to respond if they want to
• Don't keep asking the person how they are
• Don't ask the person why they are depressed
• Don't ask the person what they are going to do about being depressed
• In fact, just ease up on the questions altogether. It's unbelievably exhausting being asked questions when you feel like this
• Don't push the person to take antidepressants but support them if they choose to do so
• Support their choice to see a therapist and as above, don't ask a million questions about their sessions. Respect their right to not see a therapist if they so choose
• Good things to say: 'I'm sorry', 'that sounds really rough', 'it must be very hard for you right now', 'take time to feel what you're feeling', 'I'm here', 'Im thinking of you'

Please share your suggestions

Cheer up luv might never 'appen

Get a grip

Hello grumpy

Y'know, it's all in the mind right....?

What? Again....?!?

Well... I'd never thought you would get that....

in my day there was none of this so called depression, it's a made up thing.
A cup of tea will make you feel better.

What have you got to be depressed about? having a MIL like
you

Aarrgh to the "do some exercise"

I mentally don't have the energy to even THINK nevermind going fucking running!

"there's always something good round the corner" - I went round so many corners!!

I agree with texting being good, I didn't speak on the phone for months, I couldn't.

Sometimes, nothing needs to be said, a true friend knows when to just give you a hug - it helps.

Oh and another one that I heard was, "think of those poor people in [insert country with natural disaster here]"

Lottapianos (and everyone in fact)

clearly the exercise comments riled a few. sorry about that. my other three were ok then

i get it, I think it applies more to mild depression shall we say?

A few good years ago (when I was 18) and suffering terribly from depression, I was staying over at a friends house. I was having a horrible night (what with my mum just dying a week previously, on top of being depressed), and my friend was just talking normally to me as if nothing had happened. She then got very annoyed when I didn't talk much to her and phoned her then boyfriend in a huff so she could talk to someone.

I heard her ranting in the other room to him, saying things like "she's just being like this for attention. It's attention seeking."

Ffs you bitch my mother had just died after suffering horribly.

Agree with texting. And email. I also really appreciate people asking how I'm feeling in a way that shows they'll sit & listen/sympathise - a big part of the reason I avoid people is the pressure to do "I'm fine! You?" and then have to make up some interesting stuff about my life [grrr x 10]

"You sound/look much better!" ... Just DON'T, okay? I know you think you're being helpful and all that, but you really aren't! I've got a mental illness, not the flu.

Things nobody EVER says, and I bloody wish they would: "What can't you cope with just now? How can I help? What do you need me to do? I'll be round on Tuesday, is it better for you if I make that lunchtime? I'll bring lunch, don't worry."

she's just being like this for attention. It's attention seeking.

Oh dear, Move :(

I'll never forget a newspaper interview with the mother of a teenager who "had everything going for her", but committed suicide following a number of failed attempts. Her mother said the girl hadn't intended to die; she just loved attention and was always doing that sort of thing to make people notice her. :(

Go for a walk.

And the best one,

We all get fed up over winter.

Wtf? Seriously?

I think I've heard all these from my mother when I was a teenager and suffering from quite bad depression. I thought I was just defective or lazy and thats he was right

she, rather

"There's no such thing as depression in the developing world"

.......where do you even START with the inferred messages, ignorance and utter fucktardness of that comment?

From a doctor in a&e after an od 'you need a holiday'!. I was speechless, think I just looked at him in disgust. Twat.

New ones from this weekend: "Oh, I feel the same!". No, you fucking don't. Take it from me.
"But you're not the type to get depression" (eg nervy, 'weak', 'self-absorbed', maybe?!)

I have suffered badly from depression in the past and agree that little bits of contact such as texts or emails can be brilliant because you know friends are thinking of you without placing demands on you to actually hold a conversation. The other thing I have always been grateful for is the capacity of good friends to stay friends through all those occasions when you turn down invites because you can't face going out, or you do manage to go out and aren't quite yourself. I'm very grateful that they never gave up on me but waited till I somehow managed to emerge in the other side several long months later.

I also spent a long time just watching films etc because I couldn't face real life but wanted a distraction: good friends lend you box sets!

everyone is different. you can't generalise about what to say or not say.

I have had severe depression and was more than happy to have close friends ask why I was depressed and what I planned to do about it .

If you are a Doctor don't say to a woman you've never met before (and without even bothering to read her notes), "Get out there and find yourself a nice boyfriend, then the next time I see you will be to put you on the pill."

Especially not in a "stop being silly" tone of voice.

Really feel for some of you on here and the horrible stuff you've had to face. Can I ask some advice please - my sister has suffered mental illness for a long time now. She's in her 30s (I'm older) and has recently gone through a difficult time with depression. She has however (and I realise this makes me sound a little like the insensitive people some of you have talked about earlier) got more friends than most,an amazing and full social life, and appears to be settled with a boyfriend for the first time in years.
I was meant to be seeing her this weekend, was arranged months ago. I sent a text asking were we still ok for this last weekend which was ignored until 2 days before when she sorry had double booked so we have to rearrange. She has definitely got something else on it wasn't an excuse due to not feeling up to doing anything.
I have had a really difficult time lately and haven't seen her for months and feel really let down. I keep feeling annoyed but then realise she is not well ... But she is socialising all over the place so I just can't help feeling really let down and annoyed. It's not the first time this has happened either.
Am I completely awful for being upset and annoyed? Genuinely want to know

I'll be a voice of dissent here. I had severe depression and anxiety after the birth of DS, which is now well under control.

I was lucky to have great support from friends and family, but a few people did make comments a bit like those mentioned here. It's ok by me, really it is. I had zero clue what depression was like until I had it, and it was a sharp and brutal learning curve. I think we need to educate society on a much broader level about mental illness, absolutely. I'd like to see it taught in schools.

But I don't want to hector and judge people who just don't know any better. Look, let's be honest. When you're in the pit of depression, there is nothing anybody can do or say that can make you feel better. Often, kind words make you feel worse. If people feel frightened to engage with their friends because they don't know the correct approach, then that's an own goal for us isn't it?

My friends were all amazing, mostly just gave hugs, texts, acceptance etc. But if they hit a nerve by mistake or said the odd thing that stabbed me unexpectedly, I have to accept that my reaction is because of my illness.

Mental illness takes away our rationality and sense of proportion. What makes one person feel comforted and understood might make another person feel patronised or excluded. There's no right way to deal with depression, we all just need to be kind and as non judgemental as we can.

I remember reading somewhere a saying which I always found helpful was...

Telling a depressed person to 'snap out of it' is like telling a blind person to 'look harder'

It's the people I have had no contact with for over a decade and then I'm thrown together with them under difficult circumstances and I'm now getting almost daily emails/messages full of questions and their idea of encouragement. My depression (or any other difficulties my family faces) is not due to them being absent in my life all these years. In fact, all these questions and thoughtless comments is exactly what's making things worse for me right now.

Don't:

talk about me or my children/husband behind my back without telling me.

Think that just because we are related that you know me or my children or that you know what is best for us.

Ask for more information on what it's like living with depression or mental illness. If I wanted to, I'd write a book about it myself and I'd do a better job of it than you would.

Say 'everyone feels so much better when the sun comes out' when you know it's my meds finally taking effect.

Also don't behave as though I am incapable of looking after my children and you're their guardian angel.

Do:

Ask if/how you can help. Ask how we are. Stay friends (if we are friends) and keep in touch, but give us time to be with other friends too.

Understand there are things I can't tell you. Some things are too painful, some things are best left to counselling, some things I simply dont have words for.

Please realise that if we're closely related and you've not been a big part of our lives for well over a decade, yes I have been avoiding you and yes it was to protect my mental well being. Stay the fuck away from me and my kids.

good friends lend you box sets! - Brilliant contribution! Yes!

I hear what you're saying, Morris, and agree we have to be the bigger woman when random people make randomly daft remarks. Trouble is, the ones that hurt you are those closest, to whom you've tried quite exhaustively to explain the damn thing. I don't have enough energy to coax them out of their self-comforting denial. I am not going to just wake up one day and "decide not to be depressed any more", I am not a "drug addict" because I take heavy doses of psychoactive medications, I haven't "just given up" (I haven't suicided yet!), I'm not "refusing to help myself" or scrounging, and I am a bit of a drain, yes. So that's one they got right. Well done, folks.

Ouch, yegods, sounds like a painful situation :(