Helpful (and unhelpful) things to say to someone who is depressed

[Lottapianos]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years and am having a fairly rubbish time with it at the moment. It's reminded me what a lonely place it is. My friends mean well but they don't get it at all. My DP is very supportive but asks me too many questions.

Inspired by the thread about helpful/unhelpful things to say to bereaved parents, I thought it might help to share some do's and don'ts for those supporting people who are suffering from depression:

• Stay in touch - text often, sometimes a phonecall is too much but a text allows the person time to respond if they want to
• Don't keep asking the person how they are
• Don't ask the person why they are depressed
• Don't ask the person what they are going to do about being depressed
• In fact, just ease up on the questions altogether. It's unbelievably exhausting being asked questions when you feel like this
• Don't push the person to take antidepressants but support them if they choose to do so
• Support their choice to see a therapist and as above, don't ask a million questions about their sessions. Respect their right to not see a therapist if they so choose
• Good things to say: 'I'm sorry', 'that sounds really rough', 'it must be very hard for you right now', 'take time to feel what you're feeling', 'I'm here', 'Im thinking of you'

Please share your suggestions

We're all different. I liked being asked to explain depression, and I still do. In fact I secretly pretend I'm on television :)

I haven't ever thought I ve had depression but maybe mildly, I had very tough time after birth of dd, then cancer, and all through this dv. So perhaps circumstantial, and reading this thread its struck me that a lot of it applies to any serious , debilitating illness.

Text lots, and don't stop if no reply, I just hae nothing to say but I appreciate the texts.

Visit, briefly, and bring lunch!

Don't get offended by lack of contact and cut me off. lots of people did this when I had cancer. I think depression is similar in that it lasts a long time, has lifelong impact, and also affects people close to you. And most of all, people are scared of it.

Yeah ... it's not the explaining I have a problem with. It's the determination to see it as something like flu, which I should have got over in a few weeks, or at least as soon as the meds started working. Contemporary culture promotes this view of mental illness. I wish it didn't. Most of the people who were in my life simply can't handle the less-optimistic truth.

a lot of it applies to any serious , debilitating illness. YYY.

Garlic thanks for hearing.

Listening is a good thing.

Morris you do have a point there. In this case, it was one person in particular. They weren't asking about my depression but another family member's mental illness (and then gossiping to their friends about it) so that's why it was so difficult. Also, the questions were not open ones trying to understand or be supportive (like most people) more that they had an agenda and were trying to get me to say things to fit it.

Oh, there was someone else who, once she knew I was having regular (expensive) counselling, tried to make friends by dropping round for 'little chats' where she would offload all her problems as though I was her counselor. I suggested she should go to her GP but she didn't like going to the doctor. She started to do it more and more and eventually I asked her if we could not talk about a particularly hot and troublesome topic. She stopped all contact with me at that point!

If you speak to a person with depression and say you will call round/phone the next day - DO IT! Sometimes all I had to look forward to was the thought of my sister/friend popping in or knowing they would phone. Then they would phone to say they were too busy, or not phone at all, and what remained of my self esteem dropped a little lower.

It seemed vitally important at the time!

And when someone leaves a counselling session, don't say "Oh, I expect you've had a good cry in there and feel better now". And don't say it after every single session for 2 years.... (mother)

This is my recent thread! and I think shows how much my GP needs to read this thread!

One friend used to push me to get a job, as if that would cure my depression. I used to think, 'how the hell am I supposed to go to work each day, and be useful, when there are days when my main achievement is just getting out of bed, and I can't even manage to brush my teeth!'

"Look at me! I've been through [insert illness/crisis] and I'm still here."

Would this not make you want to stamp on their foot, kick them in the shins and poke them in the eye in quick succession?

When your loved one admits to you (after months of suffering in silence) that they think they may be depressed do NOT:

1. Say 'don't be fucking ridiculous' (mum)
2. 'Oh' and then change the subject. (Husband)

Oh and also don't say 'the key to not being depressed is to make other people happy' (my GP)

Don't say "You don't have a monopoly on unhappiness, you know"

GP: 'Do you have a friend at the seaside you could stay with?'

I hate how people want you to be better immediately and get better in a neat linear way. I do my absolute best but sometimes I need to have some alone time to nap or ride my bike or whatever. Im lucky that i have a psychiatrist and have an effective drug combo but its not the end of it. I think my mum finds me precious and self indulgent about my depression but i have to acknowledge it and its effect on my life otherwise id just be confused and bitter. I think ive been an absolute hero to get out of that last burnout, i was starting to see things that werent there fgs. I think the most important thing to remember is that everyones depression is different and stop trying to force people into a particular model of depression to suit your own ends. Also, dont attack a depressed person over your own unresolved issues. If you are also depressed 'but you dont see me making a fuss about it, demanding special treatment' then get yourself to the sodding Drs and take some naps, dont put it on me.

My friend is really good. She is very plain speaking, calls it mental illness, no euphemisms. She once took me to the supermarket when i was really bad and just helped me to do the shop. Talked about the food, just no pressure.

I am sometimes guilty of judging others with depression because I feel they are not making enough effort - so i have a nap or do something nice because i realise i judge others when i feel putupon. I have also realised that a lot of people are probably depressed whether they know it or not.

'all you need is regular exercise, it's so good for you'

'you're not getting enough sleep that's why'

Actually certain forms of exercise can exacerbate my particular illness if it raises heart rate, blood pressure etc (bipolar).

And yes, sleep would be lovely. Good sleep. Not 12 hours of it.

This helpful comment was said during a 'Welcome Back' meeting with my Manager after having 'one of my episodes' (their words not mine) " I can't say I know how bad it is for you, but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is. Sometimes you just need to snap out of it" Nice

Lend a dog.
Looking after next door's dog for the odd weekend was so soothing.
I liked the peace of walking him and stroking him. I also liked his face on being happy to see me.
dogs don't say stupid things, or judge you

Dogs yes but I must add a caveat. We got a jack Russell for me and I adore him but find it stressful as he's so high energy. Which sounds ridiculous. Fortunately he sleeps most of the day by my side and the when dh comes home gets active so we walk him together.

So just consider the breed of dog before you get a companion. My old Cavalier was perfect :) as is my JRT but not so easy for me to look after on my own iyswim.

Since we can now upload pics everywhere, I thought I'd add this one. Sorry people have said such spectacularly unhelpful things to you all.

Hello bigarea! :)

brilliant long post by Morriszap above .

My ex-boss: You're a manager, you should get over this [depression] now.

I think the relatives and loved ones of depressed people can't do anything right much of the time. Its quite miserable.

"I'm here if you need me" is helpful.
"Have you tried vipers tail leaf, standing on your head at midnight in a clover field, or eating only orange food" is not. Chances are they don't work, or if they did you'd have tried them.

But those who suffer from depression have to as also take some responsibility for those around them. Depression may not be catching but it can sure as he'll damage those trying to love and support you. Be aware of those who are trying to support you on a regular basis and accept that sometimes they will have to step away, or even be encouraged to do so.

Spoken as someone who has been followed by the black dog when he's been a cute little king Charles and a drooling growling mastiff.... and all breeds in between.

I believe depression is contagious actually!