Helpful (and unhelpful) things to say to someone who is depressed

[Lottapianos]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years and am having a fairly rubbish time with it at the moment. It's reminded me what a lonely place it is. My friends mean well but they don't get it at all. My DP is very supportive but asks me too many questions.

Inspired by the thread about helpful/unhelpful things to say to bereaved parents, I thought it might help to share some do's and don'ts for those supporting people who are suffering from depression:

• Stay in touch - text often, sometimes a phonecall is too much but a text allows the person time to respond if they want to
• Don't keep asking the person how they are
• Don't ask the person why they are depressed
• Don't ask the person what they are going to do about being depressed
• In fact, just ease up on the questions altogether. It's unbelievably exhausting being asked questions when you feel like this
• Don't push the person to take antidepressants but support them if they choose to do so
• Support their choice to see a therapist and as above, don't ask a million questions about their sessions. Respect their right to not see a therapist if they so choose
• Good things to say: 'I'm sorry', 'that sounds really rough', 'it must be very hard for you right now', 'take time to feel what you're feeling', 'I'm here', 'Im thinking of you'

Please share your suggestions

Yes, it can be :( Depressed people who won't engage with therapy can just go round putting a downer on everything & everybody. For roughly half of my time, though, I can't summon the reserves to 'engage constructively' with the world around me, so I stay in. Tbh, the 'in' times are when I most need help, and am least likely to get it. I had assumed, perhaps wrongly, everyone on this thread was talking about that rather than the unfortunate situation where someone won't accept help or even pretend to show an interest.

Most of the 'depressed' husbands on this board, I'm sorry to say, sound to me like abusive twunts. I quite resent my illness being tarred with their brush.

"Count your blessings, my friends sisters hairdressers best mate has just been diagnosed with cancer - at least you have your health!". Gee, thanks

Constant advice, albeit well meaning, drives me batty. "You MUST eat this, take that, do the other, see whoever..." Then the follow up daily "have you done that? No? Why not?? You MUUUUUSTTTTT".

Or "I was like that, but I had a terrible life, this and that happened..." Sorry that losing both parents before my mid thirties, both of us being made redundant and having to take on jobs at half what we were on before and facing losing our home isn't on a par with your experiences...

Also all variations of "pull your socks up", "its mind over matter" or "choose not to be" are all jolly good fun, especially when the person saying this really really really has had proper depression and they 'just decided not to be' et voila, cured! Amazing, really amazing. Then they give you a blank look as you try to describe the black well you are at the bottom of.

Or people who suggest doing a course, getting a therapist, joining the gym... Sory but these all cost money, which I don't have because... Oh another thing to add to my crappy life things list!

Also 'but I know people who are really, seriously depressed and it really is terrible.'

Your strength of feeling in wanting to help does not make your help more effective! Please look at why you feel that way for someone you don't know and deal with your own sense of guilt and feelings of fear, or whatever is motivationg you.

Also, along the same lines (and sadly, connected to the cause of some people's depression) 'I know some people who were properly abused and it was terrible for them.' followed by 'I want to help you.' Well, if you're the sort of person who doesn't listen and will tell someone they weren't 'properly abused' then your help isn't wanted. Learn that saying that can make a person's depression a lot worse and you are the last person they will want to (or should) talk to or ask for help about anything. (Especially when you know that they were abused and are depressed.)

Yegods, there should be a whole other thread on "You can't let your past define you - move on, already, you're an adult with free will!" This is rather like telling an African tribeswoman to 'just get over' her culture and become a Londoner overnight ... haha, I've just reminded myself of Crocodile Dundee when he goes to New York

I do think it's true that sometimes relatives and friends can't do anything right, and can feel like they are treading on eggshells. That's horrible. I have been in both positions - being depressed and feeling like people are saying unhelpful things, and living with a depressed person and feeling like I just can't help/ say the right things. Neither is a very pleasant position to be in understatement

Some people say daft things and you can forgive them because you know they're well-meaning but just don't get it and frankly, why should they? It's so odd that unless you've been through it yourself..... Some people say such ludicrously ignorant and hurtful things, though, and I find in these circumstances I can't just file it under 'well-meaning but wrong'.

Try harder/you aren't trying.

Said by my sister. It was very well meaning in that she was fairly desperate for me (severe depression, I was a teen at the time) and she believed thwt because I mainly stayed in and struggled with every day things, I wasn't trying. At that point, getting up and not committing suicide or hurting myself was a struggle, and for many people going out will be hard with depression, or finding the energy or will power to do things people might think is normal. Small things are quite big. Obviously you have to try to get well, but a lot of people don't see how undermining it is to be told that they aren't putting in an effort when every day is a struggle.

Oh yes, the health. At least you're still healthy. Seeing as depression is a mental ILLNESS, technically you don't have your health? Said by some colleagues, quite frequently.

I have just text my sister who is very poorly.

Hello poo poo head. Just wanting you to know I love you.

Probably not the best thing but I know she will laugh at poo poo head.

Also, can I make a small thing about anxiety? Don't tell me not to worry. That doesn't help. I KNOW a lot of the time, it isn't something anyone else is scared of, or should be scared of. But, regardless of how sensible I am, my body reacts in a certain way to certain situations/leading up to certain situations and it really isn't anything to do with how hard I'm trying not to worry, because unfortunately, despite all attempts to calm myself and think it through, my brain is against me If I could stop myself worrying, I would.

Yep, Cuxi, right up there with "just try to relax".

"Why are you depressed?" would you ask someone why they have mumps?
"Anti-depressants aren't good for you" preferable to suicide though!

Garlic yes, I have a hard enough time trying not to beat myself with that particular stick!

permanent yes, that's just it. The nearest and dearest bear the brunt of it all and deserve a medal in most cases. I'm seeing both sides of it. Not a thing I can do right. But that means I have to do the research and find out what I should do and say, which is not rocket science.

Or the good old "you're depressed? Really? You look so normal!" Why, thank you very much, I shall just rip off my rubber face to reveal my V-type alien features (and eat your brains).

On my DH's behalf; don't say:

"What brought that on then?" Sometimes, there isn't a single cause. And would you ask the same of someone with diabetes?

"I knew someone like that and you know what worked for them..." I'm delighted your friend found something that worked for them. I'm not them. Chances are I've either already tried it or it's mumbo-jumbo rubbish.

"At least you've got your [insert upcoming event e.g. holiday] to look forward to, that'll help." It might. Or, as is more likely, I'll make a herculanean effort at 'normality' for the sake of my loved one(s) so as not to ruin whatever-it-is for them, then collapse in an exhausted heap afterwards.

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I've been through X, Y and Z and come out the other side." Good for you. Not quite sure how that is meant to help me though.

"You'll get there." I know you mean well but after being diagnosed as treatment-resistant and having suffered from this for 25 years and counting, it's rather unlikely now.

"You just have to look for the light at the end of the tunnel." Sadly in my case, it's more likely to be a train.

And don't get embarrassed and shuffle your feet or avoid eye contact or change the subject at a passing mention of a psychiatrist, psychologist, CPN. There's nothing shameful about seeing the medical professionals associated with this condition.

About ten years ago I was really very ill indeed and was desperate for help.

I was told by someone that I should "put on a pretty dress and go dancing", which would sort me right out. That is bad enough, but when you realise that this was coming from a consultant psychiatrist it goes into the realms of the downright surreal.

I am seriously considering putting in a written complaint about this, even though it was over ten years ago.

As part of the aforementioned written complaint, I intend to ask how said psychiatrist thought slapping on a sweet little frock and going out bopping would cure my malformed brain - because the fact that I am actually fucking autistic turned out to be the cause of my depression.

I had work the autistic thingy out all by my own sweet self, mind you, because despite seeing several GPs, four consultant psychiatrists, a number of mental health nurses and a private therapist, not one of the dozy fuckers ever worked it out.

/end rant

My family/friends seem to think that the happy activities are meant to cheer me up. I can't pick and choose my depression/anxiety and therefore going out shopping will be incredibly stressful, I will worry the whole time, analyse every little thing I said or did afterwards and spend the days leading up to it in a state of constant fear over it. My best friend seems to think that I only struggle with the work type things. However, she means the best, wants me to be happy and healthy and goes above and beyond anything I could ask for her, so I'm not going to mention it!

That's nice, Electronic :)

Hmmm, I have mixed feelings about this. I think it depends on the type of depression. I was very, very low back when I was 20 ish, which got out of control when my boyfriend from my sports club was treating me like crap, which also made the sports club I spent the majority of my time in very hostile (as I was with all his friends), my uni work suffered (maybe because of this) and I was hundreds of miles from home, where my dad was battling cancer.

When I went home and my Mum made me go to the Doctor he said "you're not thinking of doing something stupid, are you?" What can you say to that other than "No", when actually, suicide feels like the only way to escape the misery you cannot get a break from. Helpful

However, the ADs made no difference to me, what did was getting myself out of the situations that were bad for me, getting some agency and control of my own life which was initially via an eating disorder and going for runs, going out with people etc, just MAKING myself do things I didn't want to do, I did them anyway, then went home and cried my eyes out, eventually I felt better.

However, I am aware I still have depression, or a propensity towards that frame of mind. Whilst in the throes of it I an unable to think rationally. Eg, If something bad is going on at work, it completely overshadows everything else and I don't want to exist anymore. What Helps this is making myself do exercise/paint on a brave face etc.

It's not fair to put all the responsibility on friends shoulders when they try and help. They are not under any obligation to continually text you when you never reply, because it's rue, and as crap as you feel, it's still rude. There is nothing wrong with them suggesting you seek counseling, ADs etc, or reminding you of all the good you have going on in your life. I think that's unfair.

Cuxibamba I do that too, absolutely DREAD what should be a lovely upcoming event, fret about it, and critically analyse my every action after it, beating myself up and hating myself for what people would have thought about me. If I put a toe out of line, I cannot let it go.

Didn't realise that was part of the illness actually, thought it was just me being weird.

Baker - that's me! Not quite as bad now as it was when I was younger. I don't go out much - not suprising - and when I do am so twisted in knots I juts throw back a few stiff ones and pretend to be normal.

Baker said

"
It's not fair to put all the responsibility on friends shoulders when they try and help. They are not under any obligation to continually text you when you never reply, because it's rue, and as crap as you feel, it's still rude. There is nothing wrong with them suggesting you seek counseling, ADs etc, or reminding you of all the good you have going on in your life. I think that's unfair"

could not agree more and am shocked at some of the attitudes and comments here

I think its more a lack of understanding or even asking someone outright what they want.

I really hate being nagged/bullied, and it makes things a million times worse when someone takes the huff with you because you were quiet at a family party (when it was all you could do to arrive on time with a smile and make small talk and try to appear normal), or because you switched off your phone because you just couldn't bear to speak to anyone.

And some of the comments people make are just not helpful in the least and make you feel worse for not being able to 'buck yourself up, girl'.

It's horses for courses really - some people do need a boot up the bum whilst others need kid gloves. I trained and worked as a therapist waaay back and you need to know your audience. Depression is a big can of worms to approach.