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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure where to start

29 replies

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 21:25

Some Mumsnet friends suggested this thread...but, as the title says, I don't know where to start. Maybe it will be a chance to get in touch with other women who have been there and done that just to have a thread to chat and support each other on.
I'm not that confident at sharing this on MN to be honest, but to cut a long story short, I got out of an abusive relationship a while back but didn't get counselling (and don't want to go down that route for various reasons) for it. I know I would probably end up in another abusive relationship if I got involved with another man so I have made the decision that I won't be having any more relationships, I'm glad to have that awareness of the risk though. It suits me being on my own, I like being my own boss.
Well, that's it, if anybody else has been there, done that and wants a thread to post on maybe this is one that you could use.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/03/2014 21:33

Nothing wrong with being single. Whilst you are though, try reading up on the red flags of abusers so that if and when you are ready to have another relationship, you can spot potential issues. And don't rush into anything...ever.

Well done for getting out.

Sars123 · 08/03/2014 21:35

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I can't comment really on your choice to stay on your own because I have not been through this myself but would just like to say to anyone feeling that way not to think that is your only choice. I know you said you are happy but anyone else don't give up. There are still some great ppl out there. Sometimes my husband drives me crazy but I love him so much and he is so sweet and caring. Be careful definitely but you never know who you may meet and how amazing they could be. I wish you all the very best and happiness in the future

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 21:44

Yes, it's not the only choice, it just happens to be my choice.
I've had a look at the 'red flags', so many of them fit don't they?

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2tiredtocare · 08/03/2014 21:45

PerpendicularVince · 08/03/2014 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurtWild · 08/03/2014 21:52

I've just come out of an abusive relationship and right now I feel like I'd rather always be alone because obviously my judgement is terrible. Here was a man I thought was good and kind, a man to marry and have children with, who would love and care for us. It turned out he was capable of awful mental and emotional cruelty and more recently verbal abuse and aggression and destruction of property. I truly did not know him at all. And I doubt I could trust my judgement again. Just today I found myself sucked in by his charm, I don't know whether that says more about me or him

procrastinatingagain · 08/03/2014 21:57

I've also made the decision not to have another relationship, after 2 long abusive relationships. I like being on my own, and I feel too damaged now to ever have another romantic relationship. Sad in a way, but I'm safer on my own and have good friends/family for support.
My sex drive seems to have more or less disappeared recently, which is a big relief tbh!

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 21:57

So sorry that you have been through it all. I feel like that as well, my ex was so charming and caring at first but it all got into cruelty as well. Not sure what to say really, but I'm here. Maybe it's a bit of safe place on MN.

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Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 21:59

again, mine too, it disappeared when I was with my ex and has never come back. I am so not going there again. It's tough when we've been through it twice isn't it, I mean once is tough but to have to go through it again really is the pits.

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procrastinatingagain · 08/03/2014 22:05

It wasn't as bad the 2nd time, so I didn't realise that number 2 was abusive until after he had got bored of me and finished it. He didn't behave in the same way as the other one and was much better in some ways, so caught me off guard. Never again. Sorry you've experienced abuse too.

LavenderGreen14 · 08/03/2014 22:11

I would recommend the Freedom Programme - you can even do it online for free if you don't want to do it in person.

TuckingFablet · 08/03/2014 22:11

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 22:12

I'd got to the point that I believed him when he said he was looking after me, I even appreciated it at the time. That sounds crazy now thinking bad but either I'd got used to it or it wasn't so bad second time round. I was just relieved to be out of the previous relationship. Like you, I won't be getting in that situation again. Sorry that you've also experienced it.

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procrastinatingagain · 08/03/2014 22:33

Yes that's it, I was so relieved to be rid of the last one that I didn't want to look too closely at the things that were wrong in the new relationship. Since that ended, I've read how does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, and spent years of my life quite a lot of time reading the relationships board on here. I feel like I've learnt a lot, but still not interested in (and don't want to make myself vulnerable anyway by pursuing) another relationship.

3mum · 08/03/2014 22:46

I have also chosen to remain on my own after a very long EA marriage and subsequent divorce. TBH I don't find it a hardship at all. I like not having to be answerable to anyone else and oh the relief of not having to dance round a man who always believed the world should revolve around him and told me repeatedly that I was not worthy of him.

I'm not willing to compromise for anyone (except my children) ever again. I love having my own home with just me and the children in it. Predictably exH is being a twat about finalising the financial arrangements and paying the maintenance only in dribs and drabs as a power play, but frankly its water off a duck's back these days. Long live singledom!

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 08/03/2014 22:49

I appreciate all those things about being on my own too. A hug and an offer of a cup of tea would be appreciated at times though.

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FolkGirl · 09/03/2014 08:57

Congratulations on getting out, Mojito.

Sadly, I'm not quite at the stage of being able to say "never again". I wish I could but my first abusive relationship with my parents and, since splitting up from my husband, I've realised that all of my relationships have been abusive in one way or another - even close friendships.

I've managed to have 2 LTR (including one marriage) and 2 children without ever having been loved.

I really want to be loved. Just once. I don't think I really want a 'relationship' I just want to know that there's one person out there (outside of my brother and my children) who could love me.

I'm just not ready to give that up yet.

But I suspect I will before too long.

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 09/03/2014 09:09

Sorry you've been through it too. I so want to be loved as well but I don't think it is ever going to happen, they start out saying they love me but they always change. I think once they realise I will do whatever they say then they realise they don't need to show that they love me. I can't see how to change that so staying on my own is the way forward.

One of my children regularly tells me that they don't love me, I worry about them turning out like their father.

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FolkGirl · 09/03/2014 09:19

No, I don't think it will happen for me either. I'm having counselling to try and address some of my issues, but all I've really realised so far is that the reason all my relationships have been abusive is because that's the only model of relationships I have recognised.

If someone hasn't been controlling/abusive/whatever I've interpretted that as them not being interested. I have no way of telling if someone is not abusive or not interested. It looks the same to me.

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 09/03/2014 10:32

I know I have an expectation that they will be like that, I think if they weren't then I'd probably be asking them to be as it's all I know. That sounds terrible doesn't it, I mean if I did that then it'd be my fault that it happened then.
Maybe I was the problem all,along.

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CurtWild · 09/03/2014 11:00

So many of us 'broken' by the one person we should have been able to lean on, trust and rely on. Sad to think many of us will never have the courage to trust again. I'm determined to stay happy alone, raise my children to only compromise when they're getting an equal amount back and never accept less than they deserve.

Original poster

MojitoMomonga · 09/03/2014 21:33

Yes, I want to do the same, though I think I am failing at that.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/03/2014 21:47

A couple abusive relationships under my belt now. No more. I'm done. I'd rather be alone than open myself up to that again or risk endangering my DCs.

Frith1975 · 09/03/2014 21:55

I am also done with relationships, Mojito. I just can't risk it again.

At 20 (at Uni) with other, older student. Still suffering physical after effects of that one.
Disastrous 6 year marriage. Had to run away with sons to a women's refuge. Ex awful ever since (9 years!), constantly calling police on me and attacking me through the courts. My legal fees were £41,000.
Relationship with good friend and neighbour. I had known him 10 years and thought it would be OK....... Lying, cheating, manipulative git. I found this out by walking past his house and happening to notice he had moved his wife back in. (They had been separated for over a year when our relationship started).
2011- 2012 dated a psychopath. :-S

All I know is I've had a lovely weekend with my sons - working on the allotment, trying out our new tent, having lunch watching the trains. I really can't imagine trying to accommodate someone new into all this - or why I would want to.

Frith1975 · 09/03/2014 22:01

P.S I've done the Freedom Programme online and even contributed to a book published on domestic abuse. I've also had 5 years of therapy.

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