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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The last thing I ever expected.....

41 replies

Rosie765 · 08/03/2014 02:44

At 11pm last night my world fell apart. My husband had already gone to bed & when I went up shortly afterwards his phone was still alight next to his pillow. I went to turn it off & saw he was using 'What's app'. There was a girls name on there I didn't know so starting reading the messages which has basically broken my heart & he has been having an 'online' affair. I woke him up & told him to pack his bags but he says he won't go. I said I would leave in the morning with the kids. My question is what do I do? Do I just pack up & take the kids to somewhere we can stay? I'm so confused. I never saw this coming! Sad

OP posts:
Logg1e · 08/03/2014 11:17

I would move bedrooms, set up a camp bed in a non-bedroom if you have to. Stop doing his laundry and cooking his meals. Start telling people, and include the bit about wanting him to leave but him refusing.

Purpleknickers · 08/03/2014 11:39

Sorry you are going through this, it's a huge shock and heartbreaking. Whatever you do, do not move out with your DC's.
If you are prepared to listen to him today, he needs to be honest about why it's happened and what exactly has happened. Then you need time to digest all this before deciding what to do next, if he really has nowhere to go he should as a very minimum sleep on the sofa. He shouldn't expect to just carry on sleeping in your bed whilst you cannot sleep at all because of what he's done.
I wish you luck and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Rosie765 · 08/03/2014 11:42

Thank you everyone. He knows he is wrong & his left the house at 9am. He hugged the kids & said he had to leave as he did something wrong. He has just sent a text saying he was sorry. I just replied saying 'I hope it was worth breaking up our family'. While he was in the shower I checked his Whatapp & everything has been deleted all her messages. I'm just not sure what to do. Do I tell my family? I'm sure my son will tell them 'Daddy left' when he sees them tomorrow. I'm so confused. Do I now have to sell the house as I can't afford to live here on my own.

OP posts:
thelastlifeline · 08/03/2014 11:43

(((Hugs))). I am right where you are now. Dh has cheated on me twice -that he's admitting to- I suspect there is more.
There is no easy answer here and it depends entirely on how you feel and what you want to do in the end. Try to remember that people will offer advice based on what they themselves have experienced and how they reacted. This is your life, it is your decision. Do go and get marriage guidance counselling, even if it only cements in your mind that splitting is the best way forward it will help you deal with the betrayal and your own feelings. Don't do anything hasty, for your sake and the children's, I think it is always best to act with dignity because you have to live with the way you behave and still set a good example to your children. Xxx

thelastlifeline · 08/03/2014 11:48

P.s. Go and see a solicitor. It doesn't hurt to find out where you stand. Getting this information is just part of the decision making process. Fore there were 4 parts; how he feels about it (remorseful etc.) how I feel about it, the legal situation, and whether we were both prepared to give it another go. Xx

Logg1e · 08/03/2014 11:50

I wouldn't rush in to anything. I'd gather as much information as I could on finances etc and let the dust settle.

I'd also reassure my son that when adults do something wrong, it's totally different to when children do something wrong - i.e. children never have to leave home for doing a wrong thing.

PollyPumpkins · 08/03/2014 11:56

Sending huggs Rosie, you poor poor lady and poor children. :(

hamptoncourt · 08/03/2014 18:13

Rosie please don't rush into anything or commit to any decisions yet. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Many will do a free 30 min consultation.

Do you work at all? If you work at least 16 hours a week you should be entitled to tax credits. If you already get them you may be entitled to more now he is gone.

If you have more than one child with him he will have to pay you a minimum of 20% of his take home pay (possibly more if you are SAHM). Don't panic about the mortgage yet. If you can afford to pay the mortgage with whatever you earn, tax credits, maintenance for you and DC ( in any combination) then you should be able to get a "mesher order" that means his name stays on mortgage until youngest DC is 18 and you can stay in house until then, then you sell and split equity according to fairest split. This may not be 50/50 as you need to take offset of pensions into account.

This is a brief overview to get you through the weekend but you could try posting in legal if you want more detailed or professional advice.

Please also speak to someone in RL to help you through this. So sorry you are going through this shit.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2014 20:37

Don't make any hasty decisions, just as everyone else is saying. It's still early days yet, even if you have already decided that you don't want him to come back. As far as your family & friends, right now all I'd say to them is that you are having problems but don't want to discuss it in detail because it's 'too new'. Perhaps pick one person you have absolute confidence in and confide in them so that you have a sounding board for your decisions.

See a solicitor as soon as you possibly can to solidify your position regarding child support & finances. Don't sell or relinquish the home until you've exhausted every possibility. If you don't already have separate accounts, open an account in your own name & transfer 1/2 balances into it (if this is permissible under UK law). Consider getting a part time job to augment your income, but discuss this with a solicitor first. My cousin was advised to NOT change anything about her part-time work hours lest it adversely affect the amount of child support she was entitled to (US law).

You don't have to actually take any legal steps now. But forewarned is forearmed. You need to know your legal position if you decide that you do not want to salvage your marriage.

Thumbwitch · 08/03/2014 23:32

Rosie, I agree with the others - you don't have to rush into any major decisions yet.

See a solicitor as soon as you can and discuss your options.

Leave lines of communications open with your H, so that you can discuss where you both go from here. He might want to reconcile - do you? Or is this an utter deal-breaker for you? You're still in shock at the moment, probably, so you need to wait a bit until that recedes so you can start to honestly think and feel what you want to do.

Keep posting if it's helping you, but do go and get RL solicitor advice ASAP.

Littlebitofwine · 09/03/2014 07:42

Please don't rush into anything and remember that even though the advice you get on here can be totally fantastic and a great place to offload nobody here gets the full back story or lives your life so can't make any decisions for you.

Thankfully you've not had the usual hysterical screams of LTB even though potentially could be enough to end your marriage.

If he is "only" messaging someone does that mean the same to you as actually physically cheating? I know I could never get past a physical affair but really have no idea what I would do in your situation.

I think how he plays it over the next few days will help you make your decision.

Good luck and stay strong

Original poster
Rosie765 · 09/03/2014 20:51

After crying on my best friends shoulder all day yesterday & going to bed absolutely exhausted I got more sleep than I expected. My son asked if he could send my H a message today which I left him to write & it just said 'I want you to come back so we can do fun things together' which breaks my heart. He texted me later to ask if he could come & see the kids & take them for a walk. He asked if I wanted to go too, so I did. We had a long talk & he massively regrets his actions & wants us to sort things out. He wants to meet to talk one night next week. I know in my heart of hearts that I will take him back, but I want him to sweat first. He slept in his car last night but now has found a mates sofa to sleep on. Thank you everyone for your support and advice. You have definitely helped me the last couple of days.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2014 20:53

oh dear

another cheating bloke forgiven so easily

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2014 14:15

AnyFucker, forgiveness can be easy, but forgetting is pretty hard. I agree with you that cheating would be a 'deal breaker' for me, but each of us has the right to decide what we will & won't forgive.

I'm sure Rosie's going to keep one eye open, but if she's decided her marriage is worth saving and wants to try, then I'll support her decision and offer her my best wishes for the future.

And so, Rosie, best wishes for your marriage and your life together. I hope you & DH do seek counseling to help you through this difficult situation.

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 14:35

Oh dear, a well known pick up site, my single friends are on that all the time.

Don't just make him sweat, make him really work at gaining your trust back, it will take a looooooooong time, he's pretty much shat all over your life together, it's not a sticky plaster job is it.

NollaigShona · 10/03/2014 17:03

Jan45, are you saying Whatsapp is a well known pick up site?Confused

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