The last thing I ever expected.....

[Rosie765]

At 11pm last night my world fell apart. My husband had already gone to bed & when I went up shortly afterwards his phone was still alight next to his pillow. I went to turn it off & saw he was using 'What's app'. There was a girls name on there I didn't know so starting reading the messages which has basically broken my heart & he has been having an 'online' affair. I woke him up & told him to pack his bags but he says he won't go. I said I would leave in the morning with the kids. My question is what do I do? Do I just pack up & take the kids to somewhere we can stay? I'm so confused. I never saw this coming!

[NollaigShona]

Jan45, are you saying Whatsapp is a well known pick up site?

[Jan45]

Oh dear, a well known pick up site, my single friends are on that all the time.

Don't just make him sweat, make him really work at gaining your trust back, it will take a looooooooong time, he's pretty much shat all over your life together, it's not a sticky plaster job is it.

[AcrossthePond55]

AnyFucker, forgiveness can be easy, but forgetting is pretty hard. I agree with you that cheating would be a 'deal breaker' for me, but each of us has the right to decide what we will & won't forgive.

I'm sure Rosie's going to keep one eye open, but if she's decided her marriage is worth saving and wants to try, then I'll support her decision and offer her my best wishes for the future.

And so, Rosie, best wishes for your marriage and your life together. I hope you & DH do seek counseling to help you through this difficult situation.

[AnyFucker]

oh dear

another cheating bloke forgiven so easily

[Rosie765]

After crying on my best friends shoulder all day yesterday & going to bed absolutely exhausted I got more sleep than I expected. My son asked if he could send my H a message today which I left him to write & it just said 'I want you to come back so we can do fun things together' which breaks my heart. He texted me later to ask if he could come & see the kids & take them for a walk. He asked if I wanted to go too, so I did. We had a long talk & he massively regrets his actions & wants us to sort things out. He wants to meet to talk one night next week. I know in my heart of hearts that I will take him back, but I want him to sweat first. He slept in his car last night but now has found a mates sofa to sleep on. Thank you everyone for your support and advice. You have definitely helped me the last couple of days.

[Littlebitofwine]

Please don't rush into anything and remember that even though the advice you get on here can be totally fantastic and a great place to offload nobody here gets the full back story or lives your life so can't make any decisions for you.

Thankfully you've not had the usual hysterical screams of LTB even though potentially could be enough to end your marriage.

If he is "only" messaging someone does that mean the same to you as actually physically cheating? I know I could never get past a physical affair but really have no idea what I would do in your situation.

I think how he plays it over the next few days will help you make your decision.

Good luck and stay strong

[Thumbwitch]

Rosie, I agree with the others - you don't have to rush into any major decisions yet.

See a solicitor as soon as you can and discuss your options.

Leave lines of communications open with your H, so that you can discuss where you both go from here. He might want to reconcile - do you? Or is this an utter deal-breaker for you? You're still in shock at the moment, probably, so you need to wait a bit until that recedes so you can start to honestly think and feel what you want to do.

Keep posting if it's helping you, but do go and get RL solicitor advice ASAP.

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't make any hasty decisions, just as everyone else is saying. It's still early days yet, even if you have already decided that you don't want him to come back. As far as your family & friends, right now all I'd say to them is that you are having problems but don't want to discuss it in detail because it's 'too new'. Perhaps pick one person you have absolute confidence in and confide in them so that you have a sounding board for your decisions.

See a solicitor as soon as you possibly can to solidify your position regarding child support & finances. Don't sell or relinquish the home until you've exhausted every possibility. If you don't already have separate accounts, open an account in your own name & transfer 1/2 balances into it (if this is permissible under UK law). Consider getting a part time job to augment your income, but discuss this with a solicitor first. My cousin was advised to NOT change anything about her part-time work hours lest it adversely affect the amount of child support she was entitled to (US law).

You don't have to actually take any legal steps now. But forewarned is forearmed. You need to know your legal position if you decide that you do not want to salvage your marriage.

[hamptoncourt]

Rosie please don't rush into anything or commit to any decisions yet. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Many will do a free 30 min consultation.

Do you work at all? If you work at least 16 hours a week you should be entitled to tax credits. If you already get them you may be entitled to more now he is gone.

If you have more than one child with him he will have to pay you a minimum of 20% of his take home pay (possibly more if you are SAHM). Don't panic about the mortgage yet. If you can afford to pay the mortgage with whatever you earn, tax credits, maintenance for you and DC ( in any combination) then you should be able to get a "mesher order" that means his name stays on mortgage until youngest DC is 18 and you can stay in house until then, then you sell and split equity according to fairest split. This may not be 50/50 as you need to take offset of pensions into account.

This is a brief overview to get you through the weekend but you could try posting in legal if you want more detailed or professional advice.

Please also speak to someone in RL to help you through this. So sorry you are going through this shit.

[PollyPumpkins]

Sending huggs Rosie, you poor poor lady and poor children. :(

[Logg1e]

I wouldn't rush in to anything. I'd gather as much information as I could on finances etc and let the dust settle.

I'd also reassure my son that when adults do something wrong, it's totally different to when children do something wrong - i.e. children never have to leave home for doing a wrong thing.

[thelastlifeline]

P.s. Go and see a solicitor. It doesn't hurt to find out where you stand. Getting this information is just part of the decision making process. Fore there were 4 parts; how he feels about it (remorseful etc.) how I feel about it, the legal situation, and whether we were both prepared to give it another go. Xx

[thelastlifeline]

(((Hugs))). I am right where you are now. Dh has cheated on me twice -that he's admitting to- I suspect there is more.
There is no easy answer here and it depends entirely on how you feel and what you want to do in the end. Try to remember that people will offer advice based on what they themselves have experienced and how they reacted. This is your life, it is your decision. Do go and get marriage guidance counselling, even if it only cements in your mind that splitting is the best way forward it will help you deal with the betrayal and your own feelings. Don't do anything hasty, for your sake and the children's, I think it is always best to act with dignity because you have to live with the way you behave and still set a good example to your children. Xxx

[Rosie765]

Thank you everyone. He knows he is wrong & his left the house at 9am. He hugged the kids & said he had to leave as he did something wrong. He has just sent a text saying he was sorry. I just replied saying 'I hope it was worth breaking up our family'. While he was in the shower I checked his Whatapp & everything has been deleted all her messages. I'm just not sure what to do. Do I tell my family? I'm sure my son will tell them 'Daddy left' when he sees them tomorrow. I'm so confused. Do I now have to sell the house as I can't afford to live here on my own.

[Purpleknickers]

Sorry you are going through this, it's a huge shock and heartbreaking. Whatever you do, do not move out with your DC's.
If you are prepared to listen to him today, he needs to be honest about why it's happened and what exactly has happened. Then you need time to digest all this before deciding what to do next, if he really has nowhere to go he should as a very minimum sleep on the sofa. He shouldn't expect to just carry on sleeping in your bed whilst you cannot sleep at all because of what he's done.
I wish you luck and be kind to yourself.

[Logg1e]

I would move bedrooms, set up a camp bed in a non-bedroom if you have to. Stop doing his laundry and cooking his meals. Start telling people, and include the bit about wanting him to leave but him refusing.

[TeacupDrama]

legally he does not have to leave the marital home and it is illegal to lock him out, the only time this is acceptable is after legal advice and you and kids in physical danger,

I am really sorry your husband has behaved appallingly but just advising you not to follow advice which is illegal, you should ask him again to leave but as beckamaw said you can't force him but you need to say what you mean if it is over and there is no way you feel you could ever reconcile whatever he does you need to say this

[knowledgeispower]

I'm correct in thinking that you need someone's mobile number to communicate via 'what's app'?

Thinking of you Rosie, some excellent advice given on here.

[Beckamaw]

Hi.
So sorry you are going through this. 6 years ago, I was in your shoes. It is the most terrible shock.

Please take control. Ask him to leave.
You don't need to make huge decisions, but you need to demonstrate that this is a massive deal, and is unacceptable. Make him stew in what he has done.

You can't force him to leave, but he should. Mine did.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Where are you now OP, unless he turns physically nasty I would strongly advise you to stay put with your DCs. Why should you have upheaval and extra stress. He probably feels like the big I Am what with some stranger sending him explicit photos, it doesn't mean he has had any luck yet getting extra marital sex. Don't get upset or conciliatory, get mad. Who does he think he is? Stop cooking for him and doing laundry, he doesn't get to share your bed after last night's revelation.

Any hint or direct accusation from him that you are in some way to blame - you don't make time for him, he felt neglected, sex isn't as good or as frequent as it used to be - remember HE is the one doing the damage to your marriage. He is the one who has been betraying you and your DCs. Not you.

[nopanicandverylittleanxiety]

Seriously don't leave or leave the dc with him. Not just about custody - they are your dc. My children were 2 and 3 when my now ex h was sexting. He was mainly doing it when I was at work and he had our boys. So being left with the kids won't necessarily stop him at all and is not great for them.

I went to see a solicitor on the first working day after finding out. Just so that I knew where I stood and could make fully informed decisions. I found that really helpful.

Good luck today x

[WhereOWhere]

So sorry this is happening to you. Talk to someone in RL; get some legal advice so you're clear about your future options; keep things as normal as possible for the DC; do nothing for him ; and, as other have said, do not leave - its not your problem he has no where to go tosser

[Longdistance]

Kick him out of the bed. Don't cook for him, do his laundry or help him in any way. Make it as uncomfortable as possible for him. If family life isn't for him he can foxtrot oscar now.

Sorry it's been a shock

[TDada]

So sorry to hear. Is your husband being sucked in by an online advert or is he actually having an affair with someone whom he met? Both obviously stink but could affect your finl decision on whether to leave him. Hugs

[louby44]

Yes DO NOT leave. If he refuses to leave, do not cook, wash his clothes. Make him move to the spare room, move one of the kids in with you if you need to, show him you mean business.

Move some money if you can. I'm so sorry. I've been where you are and it's hard!

Please keep posting!