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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hurt me. And now I hate him

54 replies

grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 08:32

Feel free to search for my previous threads. I know it's not the done thing but I'm too exhausted to go through the whole scenario except for the updates, if that's okay.

I left it in January where I had turned down the London job to keep him and he had ended things with me anyway. Then his daughter moved in full time and he decided he could not afford to get a divorce as promised. He has been separated for nearly ten years and with me for four.

Now my sister has had a run of bad luck and is currently on my sofa trying to find a place.

DP has mainly been quite good about this bar a couple of slips.

Basically, something has happened now that is making me finally see that he is not the one for me.

Sister had my keys on Wednesday as she was going out and I would be in later than her. Band practice.

I went to meet a friend later but had to walk her home and make sure she was okay because her ex has been showing up wherever she is and there was dv in the relationship.

This meant that I couldn't get in before about half one as my friend was really scared and I didn't want to leave her. While this is going on, I am texting DP apologising for this and asking if he will be able to let me in. He had a really early start the next day and I was really apologetic.

All he had to do was get out of bed and press the button to open the outside door and leave the inner door open a crack. It takes me less than a minute to get there. He could have been snuggled back in before I got to the top of the stairs. I could have then cuddled in as this usually helps him get back to sleep.

Instead, he sent me "fuck you" via text and got really angry. He eventually let me in but then shouted at me.

When I had the nerve to point out that, actually, he goes out and gets drunk all the time, expecting me to let him in at 4am when I have a seven thirty start, he went mad and pushed me against the wall and screamed that he was going to kill me.

Now I accept that he was exhausted, but the whole process didn't need to take longer than thirty seconds and the situation that kept me out late was not of my doing. My keys were with my sister and my friend needed me. I should have stayed with her really. But I really wanted my own bed and DP.

After all of this, HE is annoyed with ME and hasn't spoken to me for two days.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:24

Of course he complains. It's how he keeps you under control. By setting it up that he's disappointed, you're not showing him enough attention, you have too many friends, you're 'frigid' for not meeting his grubby sexual requests..... then you are constantly in a state of trying to please.

People have been telling you for at least a year here to get yourself out but you make yourself more and more dependent on this abusive man, even involving your sister. This is not getting any better and won't get any better.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 09:25

I know. I really regret it now.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:26

Regret is all well and good, but only action will save you here. Call Womens Aid, get yourself away and then indulge in regrets from a distance.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:29

What are you actually hoping to hear from us? What is it you wanted someone to say to you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:31

Your thread December 23rd ... He got drunk and angry with me last night and was threatening and scary. I then left for work and got texts from him all day about what a c*nt I am and how he hates me

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:32

From 9th January .... He says he's going to try and sort it out wth wife in three weeks or so

Which he's never done. So he lies to you on top of everything else.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 09:35

I wanted someone to get tough with me and tell me I was wrong to stay and should get out. I'm glad you have done this. My head is very confused at the moment so such unequivocal support in favour of leaving him helps me get things straight.

The problem is, and always has been, that I feel I am at fault for most of it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:35

From November... you confessed that he was pressurising you into... Anal...and it feels weird even typing it! Tried it, hated it, never again. I'm being strong tonight!

You shouldn't have to be 'strong' with a loving partner, a simple 'no thanks' is enough. An abusive man will keep the pressure on and tell you that you're weird for not wanting to comply

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:37

"I feel I am at fault for most of it"

Victims of abuse are never to blame for the action of their abuser. You said earlier that you'd feel a fraud wasting Womens Aid's time when others are more deserving. You're being subjected to emotional, physical and sexual abuse already. That makes your case as serious and worthwhile as anyone else's.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 09:39

Ah yes. This one was horrible. I wish I didn't love him so much. This won't stop me from doing the right thing and buggering off.

If I sound a bit like a hormonal teenager then it's because I have only ever even kissed two people. I'm 29 and he is 42. I was anorexic when with my previous boyfriend and was sort of "frozen in time" a little bit as we were like teenagers when we were together.

I have diagnosed ASD and I suspect my ex partner is on the spectrum as well.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2014 09:42

What is there really to love about this man?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

You and he should patently not be together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 09:42

It's not 'love' that you're feeling. It's a kind of obsessional dependency. You stick around hoping to find the key that unlocks Mr Nice Man again but the abuse is getting worse and closer together. Look at the timing of your threads... April 2013... November 2013... December 2013. You left for a time in December so he's backed off a little but now he's had enough pretending to be decent and you're getting death threats and physical assaults.

So what's your next step? What are you going to do specifically right now to get yourself out and safe?

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 09:45

I am going to find a place for my sister and then get out. I have some of a deposit saved for a one bed flat or studio. I can always beg borrow and steal the rest (joking about stealing).

OP posts:
Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 09:54

I've got to protect myself. All he has done is hurt me. This is not love. He has held me, cradled me and told me I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I feel like it's all been a waste of time. He's broken my heart

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 07/03/2014 10:01

We've all been hurt and broken hearted. We've all felt that sense of failure at the end of a relationship. It is normal to feel this way. But those feelings do not in any way mean that you should remain with a man who despises you, forces you to have anal sex (wtf? Is this what you think you deserve?) and threatens to kill you.

Relationships aren't meant to be a punishment. Even if you had done anything to deserve this contemptuous treatment, it doesn't mean you have to stay and live with it. You and this man are not a good couple and you never will be.

Lemonylemon · 07/03/2014 10:09

OP: Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Bancroft Lundy. Your "partner" leaps straight off the pages as an abuser....

Oh, and the author of the book says that abusers' partners are not to blame for the abuse...

Just get yourself out. You've been with him way too long.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 10:20

I am going to. Oh I am going to miss him so much. I know it's stupid. I feel incredibly conflicted about this. I love him and I see all of his good points but I am going to have to think logically.

OP posts:
Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 10:21

Sister is seeing a place today. As soon as she is safe I will leave. I won't leave her here with him

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 07/03/2014 10:50

Why can't you and your sister share a place?

Do you both work? Can afford to split the rent?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 11:42

With respect, your sister's safety doesn't trump yours.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 13:36

I am going to miss him so much

Really? Perhaps you need to read some of your own posts to see what a dreadful specimen he is. Are you going to miss being called a cunt? His drunkenness? Being called a useless wanker? Having him try to shove his cock up your bum?

CailinDana · 07/03/2014 14:01

You don't turn men into monsters but you do accept treatment no living creature deserves. You are not a slave duty bound to maintain this "relationship." You are a worthwhile person who deserves kindness and respect. And yet you love and stay with someone who calls you a cunt and threatens to kill you. If his daughter asked you if this was the sort of relationship she should hope for would you say yes?

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 07/03/2014 14:14

I would tell her to run. That tells me what I need to do. Well ladies, I have the first flat viewing booked and I am going to look into getting a small loan to cover a deposit on a studio/one bed flat.

I'm so glad you've all been here for me today. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 14:15

Well done.

kentishgirl · 07/03/2014 14:17

It's not you. Some monsters manage to pretend to be nice men at the start.

He is awful, genuinely abusive (not one of those borderline, depends how you interpret things, could come across wrong on internet cases). He is. Get out. Anywhere.