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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to leave him after he was like this with DD, don't I?

106 replies

randomperson26 · 03/03/2014 13:17

I've been with my DP for just under a year, we don't live together. I have a DD aged 4. DD's father hasn't been involved since she was a baby. He was extremely violent and getting away from him was difficult but in the end I did it. it's just been me and DD up until I met DP a year ago. he has no DC. we are late 20s.

Weekend was our first trip away together. We've been out all together before for meals and stuff like that but this was our first night away. we had plans to go to the seaside and stay in a hotel, etc. Mostly child friendly things for DD.
DD was pretty confused about being away from home as it was her first night away and she kept on crying to get in my bed. DP was furious about this and stomped off to sleep on the sofa bed, while swearing. I found this strange but put it down to tiredness.

Next day, we planned to go to the seaside as DD was looking forward to it. During the car journey, DD was crying to get out of the carseat and I was calmly talking to her, trying to distract her. which was working. DP turned round and absolutely roared at her to stop it now and said to me he would have got a slap if he'd carried on this way and that I should smack her.
I was so shocked and felt a little scared. I'd never, ever heard him get so angry before as he's usually calm and placid. he's always been good with DD. he's never raised his voice with her before.

I was really shocked at this point and tried to change the topic to the seaside as we were on the way there. He decided we were no longer going and he drove us straight home. I said that was disappointing for DD and he didn't seem to care.

Sorry if it was long and I know now I can't stay with this man because it feels what happened has ruined my trust in him.
My DD was terrified and after he raged at her, it took me hours to get her back to her normal, happy self.

Thank you for reading and my question is am I overreacting to leave him over this? I know deep down what my answer is but I'm just so confused and in shock as I'd never seen such a nasty side to him before.

OP posts:

Sillylass79 · 03/03/2014 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

positively9something · 03/03/2014 23:27

Randomperson - you have done thereof by thing, although it is upsetting you obviously sound like an amazing mum and your dd is lucky to have you.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/03/2014 23:32

You've done brilliantly in dumping him straight away. It's great that your knob radar is actually so effective: so many women go from one abuser to another because they think that it's compulsory a) to have a man at any costs and b) to have to modify their behaviour, submit and smile.

If this man continues to pester you, you have the option of involving the police to keep him away. You don't live with him and have no DC with him therefore he has no right to any kind of contact with you. He may well sod off and fiind another woman to bully, but he might spend some time making a nuisance of himself because he hates being dumped: just stamp on this behaviour if it happens. Put the phone down on him if he rings, ignore texts and emails, and don't answer the door if he turns up at the house.

Hix · 03/03/2014 23:36

Classic gas lighting

SnapCackleFlop · 03/03/2014 23:44

You've made a good decision that means both your and your daughter's lives will be happier and infinitely better.

You deserve to feel proud and strong and know that you've done good for your DD and yourself.

Jux · 03/03/2014 23:48

You poor thing. How is dd now? Hope you both have a restful night.

If he continues to bother you, call the police. Really. He is not a nice man and you have seen the nasty side of him now.

Have you come across the Freedom Programme? I understand it can be very helpful. Your ex - dd's dad - was an abuser, and it seems that your latest man has similar traits, you've just ot seen them properly yet. Thank goodness you don't live together. Ayway, the Freedom Programme is for those on the receiving end of abuse, it helps you to reset your boundaries so that you recognise arseholes like this early on and don't take any crap. It would help you, I'm sure.

There is someone out there just waiting to love and cherish you both.

BerylStreep · 04/03/2014 00:00

Glad you know what to do. I agree with Blu's observation that he would always be in aggressive competition with your DD.

It had made me also wonder why your DD was upset. Do you think she was playing up because she sensed the animosity towards her?

It must be hurtful because you thought he was the one, but thank your lucky stars you have no legal or financial ties with him, or even DC together. You can make a clean break, and don't put up with the justifications and history changing. Nothing further needs to be discussed.

I wonder, in time, when you reflect, will you see that there were red flags before? I don't say that to make you feel bad, but because it could maybe help you with choices in the future. Did you ever do the Freedom Programme after you split with DD's father?

Be kind to yourself and have some extra snuggles and trip to the seaside just the 2 of you.

Original poster

randomperson26 · 04/03/2014 00:02

Thank you Jux.
No, I haven't heard of the freedom programme but I'll be sure to look into it.
I lived with DD's dad for 5 years and he was extremely abusive and violent. It got to the point where he was locking me in the house, following me to the toilet and looking through my bedroom window with binoculars in the middle of the night.
The only time I had the strength to leave was when he became violent with me while I was holding DD who was a couple of months old. I left him that day and never looked back. he didn't get in touch again and I didn't either.
I thought this new man was different because he was the complete opposite of DD's dad.
I feel really stupid for getting things so wrong again as that was my second ever relationship.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 04/03/2014 00:07

X post!

zippey · 04/03/2014 00:08

Well do e, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 00:14

the freedom prog

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 00:16

Well done on your decision. Your life and your DD's life will be much better for it x

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2014 00:23

You could think of it this way... Instead of thinking how terrible it was that your DD was subjected to this and blaming yourself, think what a great lesson you are giving in how to be treated. Someone hurts and scares you, they don't get to see you again. That might be a very important lesson for her. Look after yourself, you already seem to be wonderful at looking after your DD.

EverythingCounts · 04/03/2014 00:37

I actually think you have done really well to come out of such a screwed-up relationship as the one with the ex, and be able to take a stand like this the first time someone crosses the line, and say 'No, that's it, even once is once too often'. It seems that a lot of people struggle with setting good boundaries after leaving an abusive relationship, because what they've experienced is so extreme it still doesn't give you a clear framework to make judgements on - i.e. anything can seem better than the previous go so you still put up with too much.

You didn't do that. You have protected your daughter from the get go. Good decision and bravely done. There'll be better times ahead whether you are in a relationship or not.

Oh, and don't take any notice of any pedantry about how you have worded posts. It was just unnecessary as other posters have said and reflects badly on the person who posted it, not you.

EverythingCounts · 04/03/2014 00:39

Oh, and I would not reply at all to any of his texts. Don't even acknowledge his existence anymore. It's the quickest way to make it clear that he's blown it and hopefully then he will leave it all alone. He sounds like he could well have become the type who are constantly justifying what they've said and badgering you to agree with them. Tiresome even without the other issues.

innisglas · 04/03/2014 01:18

You are not stupid, you are brilliant and I so admire your strength of character.

Your dd is very lucky to have you and I hope in time you meet one of the many decent men that there are out there, you deserve it

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 04/03/2014 01:44

Op You sound like an awesome Mum and a great example to your daughter. I feel proud to read about you putting your daughter first rather than the need to have a man in your life. How awful is this dickhead to cancel the trip and drive home, such a wicked thing to do.

My dh has been bringing up my sons, his step sons since they were toddlers, so for 7 years. He would never smack them or threaten to do so. He banned me from smacking. He wakes up early to take them to football matches and training. He attends all parents evenings. He does everything a biological parent does. Accept no less for your dd than the best. Wish you all the best for the future

MistressDeeCee · 04/03/2014 02:25

How awful.

Its disappointing when people aren't as you thought they were but yes, you do have to leave. This man can't live around your DD he simply hasn't got the patience for children and she will end up an unhappy, anxious nervous wreck if thats his attitude. Cut your losses and leave. You can do better.

Thumbwitch · 04/03/2014 02:26

You are fantastic! You really are - not only did you leave your violent ex at the first real hint of danger to her, but now you're dumping a man who has previously shown no real risk, but has now shown his "true" colours. I am so proud of your decision - and your DD will always thank you for it (assuming she ever truly realises).

Can't believe he's tried to "gaslight" you about the event - what an utter tosser! definitely belongs in the bin.

Innogen · 04/03/2014 02:37

You are honestly fab OP. So many posters make excuses. I'm sure you will bring up a daughter to have wonderful, healthy relationships in the future.

Wuxiapian · 04/03/2014 02:40

Your poor DD.

I would have serious doubts about his fatherly capabilities.

Yes, leave. You'd forever be treading on eggshells.

Hissy · 04/03/2014 07:45

Nothing more to add than what's been said already.

I admire your strength, and applaud your wisdom.

Your dd will recover quickly, and in time won't even remember him, so don't beat yourself up for trusting this man, HE did this because that's who he is.

You're a great mum, your dd will be too, because she'll learn from you.

Blu · 04/03/2014 08:01

Well done OP, and sorry this is all so painful for you.

Don't be hard on yourself, it isn't your fault if someone else proves themselves bad.

It does take a long time to recover from the trauma and abuse you suffered in your previous relationship - that does sound extreme. The damage done by that sort of treatment is actual damage - to your emotions and self esteem. You have done a great job so far at getting out before anything worse occurs and you dhould pride yourself on your self protection skills for that!

Someone played Joan Armatrading' Me, Myself and I on Desert island Discs the other morning - great stuff - make yourself a similar playlist of stuff you like about being strong and self-sufficient - and can you take your dd to the seaside this weekend? By train if necessary? Don't know which part of the country you are in but from where I live Broadstairs is a lovely resort, beach, ice cream parlour- just right for a day tip with a child, the station is a short walk straight down the high st from the beach and it is a short train ride form London.

Show your dd some Mummy Power!

The very best of luck to you.

Bitofkipper · 04/03/2014 08:10

OP you have shown great strength of character. Impressive.

Bluebees · 04/03/2014 08:45

You haven't got it 'so wrong' - you've got it so right.
You were still getting to know your (now ex) bf and as soon as he behaved in this unacceptable way you ended the relationship. Getting it wrong would be giving him another chance but you love your daughter too much to do that. Be confident, you've made the right decision.

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