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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to leave him after he was like this with DD, don't I?

106 replies

randomperson26 · 03/03/2014 13:17

I've been with my DP for just under a year, we don't live together. I have a DD aged 4. DD's father hasn't been involved since she was a baby. He was extremely violent and getting away from him was difficult but in the end I did it. it's just been me and DD up until I met DP a year ago. he has no DC. we are late 20s.

Weekend was our first trip away together. We've been out all together before for meals and stuff like that but this was our first night away. we had plans to go to the seaside and stay in a hotel, etc. Mostly child friendly things for DD.
DD was pretty confused about being away from home as it was her first night away and she kept on crying to get in my bed. DP was furious about this and stomped off to sleep on the sofa bed, while swearing. I found this strange but put it down to tiredness.

Next day, we planned to go to the seaside as DD was looking forward to it. During the car journey, DD was crying to get out of the carseat and I was calmly talking to her, trying to distract her. which was working. DP turned round and absolutely roared at her to stop it now and said to me he would have got a slap if he'd carried on this way and that I should smack her.
I was so shocked and felt a little scared. I'd never, ever heard him get so angry before as he's usually calm and placid. he's always been good with DD. he's never raised his voice with her before.

I was really shocked at this point and tried to change the topic to the seaside as we were on the way there. He decided we were no longer going and he drove us straight home. I said that was disappointing for DD and he didn't seem to care.

Sorry if it was long and I know now I can't stay with this man because it feels what happened has ruined my trust in him.
My DD was terrified and after he raged at her, it took me hours to get her back to her normal, happy self.

Thank you for reading and my question is am I overreacting to leave him over this? I know deep down what my answer is but I'm just so confused and in shock as I'd never seen such a nasty side to him before.

OP posts:

StarGazeyPond · 03/03/2014 18:15

He's not attached to her like you are. He does not love her like you do. She is not his child and he obviously doesn't want to DEAL with a child. What choice is there?

MeganBacon · 03/03/2014 18:42

You definitely sound on the right track with this so well done. Just in case you have a moment of doubt though, just picture the damage you will do to your daughter if you allow her to believe that a man who rages and terrifies her is one worth keeping. You are doing absolutely the right thing in walking away. Concentrate on giving your child a positive default relationship against which to measure her own adult relationships. There is a much better partner and step dad out there for you two, so stay strong and alone until you find him. Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum.

MaryWestmacott · 03/03/2014 18:52

Agree with everyone else! Remember if he tries to win you back, he had less than 24 hours being in the step dad role and he found it so hard and stressful, he snapped and roared at your child. This was a day away where he didn't have to work, or do house work, or have the normal family stresses going on, this was an easy 24 hours in the normal family year, yet he couldn't hack it without flipping. No matter what he says, he is clearly incapable of being a good step dad, it would be pointless, therefore, to continue with the relationship as it can never move on from dating without making your, your dd and probably his lives all significantly worse in the long run.

Dump. Find someone better.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/03/2014 19:19

I don't think you are overreacting.

If he doesn't even seem slightly remorseful then there is no chance this trust can be earned back. When he decided to have a relationship with you he decided to be a supportive male figure in your DDs life and by behaving this way, he hasn't shown that at all.

brianbennettfan · 03/03/2014 19:25

What a complete knob. Dump his sorry arse forthwith, and when he starts to try every trick in the book to get back with you, as others have said, just imagine your poor child's distressed face, and imagine what could happen when (God forbid) he is her stepfather, if you allow this relationship to continue.

tribpot · 03/03/2014 19:35

I'm sorry you and your dd had such a terrifying, awful time. You must get both of you far, far away from this man.

Why don't you have anyone to talk to about this in real life, OP? I would imagine your previous ex made sure you were isolated (classic abuser behaviour). Make sure you focus your efforts on building a support network - don't let anyone keep you isolated.

EirikurNoromaour · 03/03/2014 19:36

There is absolutely zero future with this man.

BumPotato · 03/03/2014 19:36

I'm glad for you and your DD that you are going to bin this wankstain.

breatheslowly · 03/03/2014 19:37

You do need to end it. There are lots of men who aren't like this.

As for "do you really need to ask?" It's perfectly reasonable to ask. Whether it is because you just want it to be confirmed to you, or because your previous experience of abuse makes you more open to thinking things like this might be ok (people who have experienced abuse sometimes accept further abuse as normal). This is a great place to ask.

Back2Two · 03/03/2014 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

halfwildlingwoman · 03/03/2014 21:23

You are not over-reacting. Well done for protecting your DD. Trust your instincts. It's GOOD that you found out before moving in with him. You will be fine. There are lots of decent men out there and when you are ready, you may have another relationship. Or you may not and that'll be fine too.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 03/03/2014 21:41

I think I would leave him (where you was totally unnecessary in the snipey differentiation attempt) because I'd be forever wary / watching him with dd.

We all have bad days when we lose our temper over little things but he should have been making an effort with your little girl, not yelling.

Sorry he's not who you hoped he was though.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 03/03/2014 21:47

Bad enough for a child's own father to act like this, many women would stay and hope for improvement because they think (wrongly) that their family staying together is the most important thing.

In your situation, your dd has no bond to this man, he doesn't live with you, get shot of him now and make sure that anyone you have a relationship with in future treats your dd as she deserves.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 03/03/2014 21:49

You're obviously a good mum and put your dd first.

So sad for her, not only the shouting and threatening a slap, but then to not even take her to the beach. What an arsehole.

He's not step dad material for sure.

AnandaTimeIn · 03/03/2014 21:51

He showed you his true self.

Absolutely - move on and don't look back!

Think of it as a lucky escape!

You and DD deserve only the best.

JumpingJackSprat · 03/03/2014 21:52

If I treated my dss like this I would quite rightly be out the door. I get frustrated at times but I would never ever shout at either DSS or DP. Get rid of him.

Blu · 03/03/2014 22:03

How frightening and distressing. Your poor DD .

He sounds deeply controlling and abusive, to be honest - he was clearly furious that his night away had been interrupted by your child, and took it out on you both the next day.

Your life with him would always be him in aggressive competition with your child. He views you as his territory and doesn't like the ttention your dd gets.

How nice was he to her, normally? I am wondering why she was crying in the hotel and in the car and trying to get out of her seat?

Anyway, he has shown his true colours and a man that can want you to smack your dd on the very first w/e he spends with her will end up hitting her.

Hix · 03/03/2014 22:17

This is his firstweekend away with her and he acts like that? That must mean that he really has no control over himself. How could any adult rationalise his response?

I hope you've managed to end it without too much fuss.

Paleninteresting · 03/03/2014 22:47

OP you have done absolutely the right thing, well done. My DD has woken myself and my DP every morning between 5-6 am for the last three years. He has not ever reacted badly, even when half asleep and worn out.
Your ex couldn't manage a day out. It's him not you or your daughter.

Original poster

randomperson26 · 03/03/2014 23:10

Thank you all so much for your responses.
To answer some of you, I really felt I needed to ask if I was doing the right thing for confirmation really. I don't have anybody to discuss this with at home so it was just what I said against what he said.

I know some of you think I was stupid to feel this way after only a year but I genuinely thought he was the one for me. Everything was going in the right direction, we were very much loved up and he'd even expressed he wanted his own children in the future. He was always good with my DD so I didn't see any issues really.

I think the person was right who said they think his weekend was interrupted by my DD, in his eyes. The realisation of what it was like to have a child there for 24 hours wasn't quite as easy as he expected so he for angry and took it out on her - which is unforgivable.

My dad used to rage at me in such a way, as a child and to this day, I still get nervous when males raise their voices.

Anyway, it's over and there's no going back for me.
Thanks for all your kind words.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/03/2014 23:11

Original poster

randomperson26 · 03/03/2014 23:19

He hasn't been particularly remorseful either. He's sent a few text messages saying sorry but also tried to justify his actions and try to tell me that it didn't happen the way I think it happened. I'm not stupid and I know exactly what happened.

he's sort of trying to change the story and make me feel like it was me that didn't want to go to the beach when it was actually him. I'd never, ever deprive my DD after she'd been looking forward to it all week.

OP posts:

BumPotato · 03/03/2014 23:22

If you haven't already send him a text back saying "you're binned, matey, end of discussion".

He's trying to change history. You were there and know the facts. What a complete arse.

wouldbemedic · 03/03/2014 23:23

Leave him at once, OP. Well done for coming to the decision for yourself. There is a man out there who will love you and your DD too, keep looking.

WTFlike · 03/03/2014 23:25

Lucky escape. Your poor daughter.

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