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Original poster

Are my friends right and I've actually gone mad?

84 replies

LikeATeenager · 01/03/2014 18:06

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate some perspective on this one as my gut is telling me one thing and my friends another!
I've had a difficult few years. My much loved father died unexpectedly which made me question everything, and as a result I ended up splitting up from my husband (we are still good friends though fortunately - no DC)
I then had a bit of a crazy year - think far too much alcohol and sleeping around. I wasn't hurting anyone though and have no regrets. Something I needed to do I think!!!

Anyway an old acquaintance popped out of the woodwork 4 months ago and despite neither of us 'looking' for a relationship we have fallen head over heels. All good so far! However he lives 250 miles away, and I am being made redundant in May. For various reasons the next job I get I must stay in for 2 years minimum. As a result after a lot of coming and going we have decided I will look for a job in his home town and move there as neither of us can face only seeing each other every two weeks for the next two and a half years (at the moment we see each other a lot as my redundancy means I can do a lot more flexible working from home)

My friends think I am mad to be moving halfway down the country. However we did live together for 3 years at uni and know we get on. I would rent and not sell my house so that I could always return if I needed to.

Their other concern is that I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course.

But the cost of living where he lives is so much better than London that even on a reduced salary I would be better off. I also love the area. But more than anything else I love him and want to be with him.

Oh and ps I wouldn't ask him to move to me due to the cost of living and family commitments in his area.

So - I just wondered after being ambushed by my friends yet again today (in swell meaning way!) what you ladies thought. Oh and I am 28 if that matters. Thank you

OP posts:
georgesdino · 02/03/2014 09:17

When dh moved here he first made friends with all my male friends so he had lots of people to hang around with. He has never been lonely here, as one of you lives there then you already have a big social circle he can join.

MistressDeeCee · 02/03/2014 09:20

I would say go for it. You can't always guarantee that all will be perfect in life and love..but if you don't go for it you'll never know, will you? I can understand your friend's concerns but its your life, your love. Please yourself. You only have 1 life, and life isn't all about money either. If it were, everyone with money would be happy.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 09:23

Actually, I think you'll also need to build an independent circle.

MadBusLady · 02/03/2014 09:28

The trouble with that kind of starry-eyed thinking about money is that people say things like that while secretly thinking they'll end up more or less where they want to be financially regardless of what they do. And not everyone does, you can have runs of bad luck as well as good, so a bit of forward planning to avoid unnecessarily setbacks is never a bad idea.

Money doesn't make you happy, but having enough of it to do the basic things you want to do in life is a prerequisite to happiness (by basic things I mean, say, having a family, not having three jetskis. Unless jet skiing is THE point of your life).

georgesdino · 02/03/2014 09:30

Lweji - You obviously do when you get there you start going out with ten or so of your other halfs mates then you meet more and more people. Dh knows 100s of people here now.

DrewsWife · 02/03/2014 09:37

My husband moved from London to Ayrshire. Apart from the massive culture shock. It's sooooo laid back here. His quality of life improved.

His friends and family miss his as desperately as he misses them. They were a tight knit group.

But they got over it. Sometimes you just have to take risks and follow your heart

FriendlyLadybird · 02/03/2014 10:14

No, you're not mad. There's a nice life to be had outside London! You're the one being made redundant so you have more flexibility than he -- I don't get all the people asking huffily why he isn't the one to move.

Keeping your own house makes sense. The only thing I would suggest is that you don't move in with him straightaway. Rent somewhere nearby for six months to a year. By then, you'll know for sure.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2014 13:21

Ladybird, has anyone said she shouldn't move out of London?

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2014 13:21

Sorry, I meant that to say, has anyone said there isn't a life outside London?

Nomama · 02/03/2014 14:17

Almost 30 years ago I visited a friend who lived 250 miles away. Were were spending Live Aid day in front of big screens at a park where she lived. I met a bloke and only went home to pick up my stuff. We moved in together about 4 months later and will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary later this year.

I gave up everything and worked in pubs and restaurants for a while. Then he stopped work and did and Access course and an engineering degree. Then I did my degree and Masters. We took chances on each other for the first 5 years, pooling money, paying of each others debts (not large but something MNers always tell you not to do), his pay went into my bank account, basically we did everything 'wrong'.

But I'd still say you can either earn a living or live one. Take a chance, you are young enough to rebuild if you have to. You may not have to!

Good luck

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 03/03/2014 15:56

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Sorry I haven't responded as I have been away for the last couple of days.
You have given me a lot to think about. I still want to, and am planning to move. However as a direct result of some of the suggestions here I have been looking at local clubs I can join there to make my own social circle etc.
Someone mentioned that I sound breathless and I suppose that is a bit correct - I have never felt like this about anyone in my life and it is an exhilarating if not also slightly dangerous feeling....

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 04/03/2014 04:19

Good for you OP. Be lucky and be happy, hope it all works out well Smile

deXavia · 04/03/2014 05:24

As soon as I read this I wondered if your friends have other reservations apart from the distance/speed this happening. If I were you I'd ask them out right - sometimes people will hint at something negative than be honest. If you ask them what they perceive the problem is either a) you'll hear something negative but meant with good intentions or b) you'll realize its just that they will miss you or they are all Londoners who can't imagine life outside the M25. Either way you have fresh insight into why they are acting as they are.

JeanSeberg · 04/03/2014 07:54

You never gave us the reasons for your friends' reservations Like.

What were their concerns?

Lweji · 04/03/2014 07:59

Why does it feel dangerous?
It shouldn't.

Loopytiles · 04/03/2014 12:30

" I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course."

What are the job opportunities like there? Lower pay (with lower living costs) might seem fine now, but what about prospects if, for example, you wanted to get promoted, earn more, get wider experience or were made redundant?

You rule out the possibility of him moving to you - why? Study can be done in a range of places, and presumably you have similar family commitments to him.

I moved 200 miles (4/5 hours away) for work, met DH and stayed. in my case this was good career-wise as am now in the SE, which was main reason we stayed here. Still miss family and friends a lot. It is far harder to see them now we have DC, and my mum is not in good health which is difficult.

maggiemight · 04/03/2014 12:36

Are there job opportunities following his 7 year course?

Or is it some dream career he's always wanted to do but doesn't actually provide a good living.

bibliomania · 04/03/2014 13:34

I've done quite a few big relocations and I look on them positively. Can't see any problem with you moving to his area.

However - I agree with the advice to ask your friends straight out what the problem is. Fear of missing you or reservations about this guy?

Secondly, protect yourself financially. I'm much poorer than I would have been because of the man I married and then divorced. It was stupid and I have regrets.

I think it is a good idea to rent separately for a while - why put any more pressure on this early relationship than is absolutely necessary?

Nocomet · 04/03/2014 13:40

I got engaged, after six weeks, aged twenty.

26 years and two DCs together we are still lovers and best friends.

Follow your heart!

kotinka · 04/03/2014 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 04/03/2014 14:29

Hi all,
Their reservations are that they think it is me making all the effort; i.e moving, new job etc They think as the higher earner he should be moving to me. Also they are concerned that I will end up doing a lower paid and lower responsibility job compared to my current role (which is probably true.)
I feel in my gut that it would be better for me to move to him than vice versa. I am a bit of a nomad and have lived all over the country. I love his area, and the cost of living. I pay a huge premium currently for being commutable to London yet I hate London!!! He also is incredible close to his family and there are some fairly significant health problems in the family which I wouldn't want him to move away from. Mine however are scattered all over the place.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/03/2014 16:21

I can see why you want to move, but rather than moving to be with him, make the decision on where you want to live for the next 5 years (say) rather than just because he is in a certain place.

I also think that you should live on your own for the first year at least, to make sure that there are no cocklodging tendencies hiding behind this perfect persona! If he supports himself for the first year of his course and is still doing ok, then thats the time to consider living with him.

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2014 21:44

OP, you say, "He will incur some debt with tuition fees but refuses to allow me to give him any money towards that." This makes me think you're temporarily insane! Why on earth would you offer to pay towards his tuition fees, when you've only been together for four months?

Then you say, "I have never really cared about climbing the career ladder" despite the fact you obviously have climbed that ladder. Don't forget that in the early days of a romance you don't think using your head! Nothing is as important as the man in those early days - this does change, no matter how much you love him in the future.

For these reasons I don't think you'll pay any attention to anything anyone says now unless they agree with you. Don't forget many women on here don't have careers, they are not financially independent and they will subsume themselves into their man's life. Please be wary about taking advice to pack everything in and live a life that will make you give up your friends and get a job that pays so much less from people who haven't the opportunities you have.

springykyrie · 05/03/2014 01:23

You split up once - why was that?

For all the lovely stories, I too think you're mad to do this lock, stock. If you do move, at least keep your house in London for now and see how things pan out. You can sell it later, rent it for now (you'll get a good rent).

You do sound breathless and 'everything's marvellous, there's no downside'. Well, there will be. I'm not raining on your parade, you seem to be up in the clouds. You're not young forever and you need to be sensible now - you need to be especially sensible because you're all loved up and not seeing, or looking at, the very obvious risks. You may go the distance together, but you may not.

bragmatic · 05/03/2014 06:21

I wouldn't sacrifice my career or put it on hold in my 20s for a man, no.