Are my friends right and I've actually gone mad?

[LikeATeenager]

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate some perspective on this one as my gut is telling me one thing and my friends another!
I've had a difficult few years. My much loved father died unexpectedly which made me question everything, and as a result I ended up splitting up from my husband (we are still good friends though fortunately - no DC)
I then had a bit of a crazy year - think far too much alcohol and sleeping around. I wasn't hurting anyone though and have no regrets. Something I needed to do I think!!!

Anyway an old acquaintance popped out of the woodwork 4 months ago and despite neither of us 'looking' for a relationship we have fallen head over heels. All good so far! However he lives 250 miles away, and I am being made redundant in May. For various reasons the next job I get I must stay in for 2 years minimum. As a result after a lot of coming and going we have decided I will look for a job in his home town and move there as neither of us can face only seeing each other every two weeks for the next two and a half years (at the moment we see each other a lot as my redundancy means I can do a lot more flexible working from home)

My friends think I am mad to be moving halfway down the country. However we did live together for 3 years at uni and know we get on. I would rent and not sell my house so that I could always return if I needed to.

Their other concern is that I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course.

But the cost of living where he lives is so much better than London that even on a reduced salary I would be better off. I also love the area. But more than anything else I love him and want to be with him.

Oh and ps I wouldn't ask him to move to me due to the cost of living and family commitments in his area.

So - I just wondered after being ambushed by my friends yet again today (in swell meaning way!) what you ladies thought. Oh and I am 28 if that matters. Thank you

Personally I wouldn't uproot myself on the basis of a 4-month relationship.

I'd take a job in London for the next two years.

If the relationship survives that then I might move.

I am another one who did it :) My now DH and I originally knew each other at 6th form and dated for a month. 15 years later we got back in contact and started dating even though I was in London and he was up north. 6 months after I was made redundant and moved in with him leaving London and all my friends behind. It wasn't all easy, I did miss my friends but it was so worth it as he is now my husband, we have our first baby who is now 9 weeks old and have just had an offer accepted on a family home which we will be living in for the long term. He makes me smile cheesy smiles every time I think about him, some things are just right and should happen.

Oh I did this. I left XH in new Zealand and two months later started to date now dh. I was 31 at the time. For months I travelled between London and the Netherlands to be with him and it was awful to be apart.

He moved initially to be with me from the Netherlands to London but we then moved only a couple of months later to the Netherlands. We're married now, as soon as my divorce came through and I could get my passport back in my maiden name, and expecting our first. I don't regret it for one moment. Life isn't all about career and money. You have to give it a shot and take a chance :)

Some wonderful stories on here!

Oh I should have said we would have moved in with each other after the first week if logistics allowed. We were online gaming buddies for five years before we met and fell in love. Five months of travel to and from was five months too long. Go for it!

Can't see a downside.

Go for it and good luck!

So if it goes tits up you'll still have property and career prospects in your current area? No kids? Can't see the issue then. You obviously trust him after living with him for 3 years in the past. Nothing ventured, but remember there's no shame if it doesn't work.

Imperial, OP said she'd be on a lower salary if she moved, which is not necessarily the same as losing out on career prospects. In my line of work, for instance, I would expect to earn a bit less if I moved out of London just because salaries are lower in other areas of the country, but I would still be able to progress up the ladder. If I moved back to London I would expect to be able to get a job that fully recognised the experience and status I would have gained by then.

If you don't move can he afford to study?

I wouldn't like the idea of moving just to support someone, it's a bit too convenient for him. And then will you feel obligated to stick out 7 years.

The moving idea itself is fine, you are renting out your house, you can always move back, it's an adventure.

I wouldn't go and buy a house with someone I used to know and have been dating long distance for only 4 months.
Take it easy, unless you mean paying half his mortgage, in which case, make sure you pay into the mortgage account directly from your bank account.

About the move itself, it may well make you good, to be in a different environment.

Just don't get yourself too deep that you'll end up find it hard to leave. Or too sorry for him in case he can't support himself alone through his studies.
You wouldn't be the first to be dropped after supporting someone through their studies.

Dh gave up his family, friends and moved over 400 miles away from his family only 4 weeks after the day we met. All good and we would do it again. We are now married 10 years, and are still in our late 20s

Or accidentally pregnant...

What has he been doing and why this course now?

So what life changes is he having to make?

I'm afraid I agree with your friends and as they know you a lot better than us I suspect there's a reason for their reservations. Perhaps you should listen to them.

You must seem a very attractive financial proposition to this guy - good earning potential. Almost mortgage-free. And when you get married half of all that will be his.

Why isn't he prepared to move to study? What are his family commitments you mentioned?

The problem is that for every story of success, there will be another of being swept off her feet, and ending up in an abusive relationship.
It can easily go either way. So make sure you are protected and don't give more than you can afford or are prepared to lose.

If you move, make sure you create a good network of friends, keep the previous friends and don't get too dependent on him.

No, abusive relationships aren't the norm. There are some terrible awful things that happen but, out of the millions of couples out there, the majority are not being abused. Most men and women are pretty decent. Relationships may fail for other reasons but abuse/domestic violence isn't always going to be the main factor. It's not fair to tar people with the same brush.

And who says it is going to fail? Only you OP know what it's really like on the inside of your partnership, his reasons for studying, basically is he trustworthy etc. Certainly not us strangers on an Internet forum, and probably not your friends - you don't say why they are protesting and they don't know the ins and outs of a relationship either. You're getting made redundant anyway. Two years of a trial period seems more than long enough to see how it goes. Good on him for returning to study which he must have been planning for quite some time anyway before you appeared on the scene.

You seem like a sensible woman who can evaluate whether it's worth the chance or not :) Some situations require gut instinct as well as logic or indeed ignoring logic. It's OK for heart to rule head sometimes.

You only live once! It's not like you couldn't go back if it didn't work out so go for it!

I moved to Barcelona at 26 to be with now-DH. Together for 16 years, married 4, one scrummy dc.

Life is for grabbing by the bollocks

Can't see the problem. Good luck!

Some people (your friends maybe?) think that no-one could possibly be happy outside London. Personally dh & I were desperate to get out of the place & our last three years there were spent enabling us to leave.

Oh and the move involved a big paycut & a massive drop in potential earnings. Who cares? Life is about living, not careers (my attitude towards work is the same as yours OP).

This is a difficult one. I met my husband and it did go very fast, he was wonderful, etc. A job came up seven months into our relationship, where he lived, which I applied for. Fortunately, I did not get it, because it would have been madness; it took a couple of years to see the real him.

On the other hand, I know two happily married couples who knew each other at uni, and got together some years later, who are very happy.

I think the risks lie in the fact that you are doing all the giving. What protection do you have if you pay half his mortgage for seven years, and it goes tits up? I would at the very least get legal advice on this.

Secondly, you say you are happy to wait seven years for dc. What happens if your biological clock starts ticking loudly in a couple of years? Also, if you start your family at 34 or 35, and want more than one dc, you are risking fertility issues. So, is there a way of financing having dc before seven years are up?

Thirdly, what is your support network where he lives, and how would you meet people?

And lastly, as you knew him at uni, I am assuming this 7 year thing is a second degree? What on earth is it? I can only assume medicine? Or is it a Masters plus PhD which should not take seven years.

My advice would be, if you go for it, get your own place first, see how it goes, then if all is well, buy a house together, which is both of yours and get a solicitor to draw up a document of who paid what into the new property. I would not move into his house and start paying off his mortgage after a few months, on a wish and a promise, having given up your support network and everything. You need to establish your own life there, if you go.

It's better to think through every aspect and decide that, on balance, it's worth it, than to never do anything in case it doesn't work out.

Sorry. I'm with Imperial here. It all sounds lovely but I'm always struck by the fact that it tends to be the woman who cuts ties and up sticks and moves in these situations. Plus there is something very breathless about your posts, you sound to me like you've been on an emotional roller coaster and are still on it, just in a different phase.

If you do it, FFS do not, even secretly in your head, see it in terms of a grand romantic gesture that you will get a cosmic "payback" for in terms of the relationship's future, because you won't. See it as a pragmatic decision which will hopefully work out well for you, and if if doesn't you will have to face extricating yourself with all the financial/career/family planning penalties that might mean. It's a good idea to not sell your house.

Agree with clouddancer's post too. Do not underestimate how lonely and difficult relocating can be and absolutely force yourself from day one not to rely on your bf for all social life.

Oh do it and have fun. I was 28 when I moved country to be with my long distance boyfriend who I'd met on holiday a year previously! I'm 33 now, we''re married, have just bought a house, have a wonderful son and are expecting dc2. I too took the leap after being made redundant so I had money behind me if things didn't work out. I'm so glad I made the move! It's not always a bed of roses but it's been pretty great! Friends just want you to stay put to be available for them but they'll all move on with their own lives pretty soon!

Anyway I think you know the answer . Just make sure you have a plan in place should things not work out and you'll be just fine!

Since everyone is giving their own stories, you should know mine didn't work out. DP and I were fine (we have split up for unrelated reasons) but I also left London at 29 to be with him also without seriously considering how hard it was going to be, and lo and behold, it was lonely and miserable and work was thin on the ground. Swings and roundabouts, because I probably wouldn't be on the property ladder now if it weren't for that move, but it also plunged me into several years' depression and under-employment. I know what I should have done differently to make that less likely, but I also think on balance it was a mistake (and so does he by the way, we eventually moved to London where he is doing brilliantly!)