Are my friends right and I've actually gone mad?

[LikeATeenager]

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate some perspective on this one as my gut is telling me one thing and my friends another!
I've had a difficult few years. My much loved father died unexpectedly which made me question everything, and as a result I ended up splitting up from my husband (we are still good friends though fortunately - no DC)
I then had a bit of a crazy year - think far too much alcohol and sleeping around. I wasn't hurting anyone though and have no regrets. Something I needed to do I think!!!

Anyway an old acquaintance popped out of the woodwork 4 months ago and despite neither of us 'looking' for a relationship we have fallen head over heels. All good so far! However he lives 250 miles away, and I am being made redundant in May. For various reasons the next job I get I must stay in for 2 years minimum. As a result after a lot of coming and going we have decided I will look for a job in his home town and move there as neither of us can face only seeing each other every two weeks for the next two and a half years (at the moment we see each other a lot as my redundancy means I can do a lot more flexible working from home)

My friends think I am mad to be moving halfway down the country. However we did live together for 3 years at uni and know we get on. I would rent and not sell my house so that I could always return if I needed to.

Their other concern is that I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course.

But the cost of living where he lives is so much better than London that even on a reduced salary I would be better off. I also love the area. But more than anything else I love him and want to be with him.

Oh and ps I wouldn't ask him to move to me due to the cost of living and family commitments in his area.

So - I just wondered after being ambushed by my friends yet again today (in swell meaning way!) what you ladies thought. Oh and I am 28 if that matters. Thank you

[Lavenderhoney]

Why would you have to stay in your next job for two years? What if he turns out to be a nightmare and you are trapped?

Personally I wouldn't give up a good career with a good salary. You can afford to see him weekends and talk during the week. He will be studying and working to support himself surely?

4 months is too soon, IMO. Get another job, keep seeing him and see how it goes.

What course is he doing which is 7 years? That's a big chunk of anyone's life. Do you want 7 years of subbing him, paying for hols, earning less money and losing opportunities along the way, playing wife when you aren't married? That's NOT a nudge to get married btw!


Sorry to rain on your parade but I think you are crazy:) Your friends are right IMO. Its too soon to give up what is a good life for someone you have only been with for 4 months. Being friends is very different to being lovers.

[Lweji]

Nine whole months, Doctor? :) Impressive.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

After four months, if I were you, id do a trial run of renting somewhere close to him on my own for a year. Then, after that, if you are both still feeling like you are, then start contributing to his mortgage.

[Bogeyface]

Instead of relying on others?

[Bogeyface]

Thedoctors

What about option 3 where you, as a grown woman of 25, stand on your own two feet for a while and get some independence?

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

Well, I'm not one to talk about rash decisions - DP was asking me to move in with him after three weeks! I'm 25 and my parents were moving six hours away, so I had a choice - go with them and uproot my whole life, or take a chance on DP and stay.

That was nine months ago and we're still together, engaged and head over heels in love. I have three wonderful SDC and we're currently planning our wedding. So long as you keep your house (renting it out is a good idea) and protect yourself financially (separate bank account and personal savings), I'd say go for it! Life's too short not to live it :)

[UterusUterusGhali]

But agree actually that you shouldn't move in with him. Be independent.

[UterusUterusGhali]

You're young! Do it!

[bragmatic]

I wouldn't sacrifice my career or put it on hold in my 20s for a man, no.

[springykyrie]

You split up once - why was that?

For all the lovely stories, I too think you're mad to do this lock, stock. If you do move, at least keep your house in London for now and see how things pan out. You can sell it later, rent it for now (you'll get a good rent).

You do sound breathless and 'everything's marvellous, there's no downside'. Well, there will be. I'm not raining on your parade, you seem to be up in the clouds. You're not young forever and you need to be sensible now - you need to be especially sensible because you're all loved up and not seeing, or looking at, the very obvious risks. You may go the distance together, but you may not.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you say, "He will incur some debt with tuition fees but refuses to allow me to give him any money towards that." This makes me think you're temporarily insane! Why on earth would you offer to pay towards his tuition fees, when you've only been together for four months?

Then you say, "I have never really cared about climbing the career ladder" despite the fact you obviously have climbed that ladder. Don't forget that in the early days of a romance you don't think using your head! Nothing is as important as the man in those early days - this does change, no matter how much you love him in the future.

For these reasons I don't think you'll pay any attention to anything anyone says now unless they agree with you. Don't forget many women on here don't have careers, they are not financially independent and they will subsume themselves into their man's life. Please be wary about taking advice to pack everything in and live a life that will make you give up your friends and get a job that pays so much less from people who haven't the opportunities you have.

[Bogeyface]

I can see why you want to move, but rather than moving to be with him, make the decision on where you want to live for the next 5 years (say) rather than just because he is in a certain place.

I also think that you should live on your own for the first year at least, to make sure that there are no cocklodging tendencies hiding behind this perfect persona! If he supports himself for the first year of his course and is still doing ok, then thats the time to consider living with him.

[LikeATeenager]

Hi all,
Their reservations are that they think it is me making all the effort; i.e moving, new job etc They think as the higher earner he should be moving to me. Also they are concerned that I will end up doing a lower paid and lower responsibility job compared to my current role (which is probably true.)
I feel in my gut that it would be better for me to move to him than vice versa. I am a bit of a nomad and have lived all over the country. I love his area, and the cost of living. I pay a huge premium currently for being commutable to London yet I hate London!!! He also is incredible close to his family and there are some fairly significant health problems in the family which I wouldn't want him to move away from. Mine however are scattered all over the place.

[Nocomet]

I got engaged, after six weeks, aged twenty.

26 years and two DCs together we are still lovers and best friends.

Follow your heart!

[bibliomania]

I've done quite a few big relocations and I look on them positively. Can't see any problem with you moving to his area.

However - I agree with the advice to ask your friends straight out what the problem is. Fear of missing you or reservations about this guy?

Secondly, protect yourself financially. I'm much poorer than I would have been because of the man I married and then divorced. It was stupid and I have regrets.

I think it is a good idea to rent separately for a while - why put any more pressure on this early relationship than is absolutely necessary?

[maggiemight]

Are there job opportunities following his 7 year course?

Or is it some dream career he's always wanted to do but doesn't actually provide a good living.

[Loopytiles]

" I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course."

What are the job opportunities like there? Lower pay (with lower living costs) might seem fine now, but what about prospects if, for example, you wanted to get promoted, earn more, get wider experience or were made redundant?

You rule out the possibility of him moving to you - why? Study can be done in a range of places, and presumably you have similar family commitments to him.

I moved 200 miles (4/5 hours away) for work, met DH and stayed. in my case this was good career-wise as am now in the SE, which was main reason we stayed here. Still miss family and friends a lot. It is far harder to see them now we have DC, and my mum is not in good health which is difficult.

[Lweji]

Why does it feel dangerous?
It shouldn't.

[JeanSeberg]

You never gave us the reasons for your friends' reservations Like.

What were their concerns?

[deXavia]

As soon as I read this I wondered if your friends have other reservations apart from the distance/speed this happening. If I were you I'd ask them out right - sometimes people will hint at something negative than be honest. If you ask them what they perceive the problem is either a) you'll hear something negative but meant with good intentions or b) you'll realize its just that they will miss you or they are all Londoners who can't imagine life outside the M25. Either way you have fresh insight into why they are acting as they are.

[MistressDeeCee]

Good for you OP. Be lucky and be happy, hope it all works out well

[LikeATeenager]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Sorry I haven't responded as I have been away for the last couple of days.
You have given me a lot to think about. I still want to, and am planning to move. However as a direct result of some of the suggestions here I have been looking at local clubs I can join there to make my own social circle etc.
Someone mentioned that I sound breathless and I suppose that is a bit correct - I have never felt like this about anyone in my life and it is an exhilarating if not also slightly dangerous feeling....

[Nomama]

Almost 30 years ago I visited a friend who lived 250 miles away. Were were spending Live Aid day in front of big screens at a park where she lived. I met a bloke and only went home to pick up my stuff. We moved in together about 4 months later and will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary later this year.

I gave up everything and worked in pubs and restaurants for a while. Then he stopped work and did and Access course and an engineering degree. Then I did my degree and Masters. We took chances on each other for the first 5 years, pooling money, paying of each others debts (not large but something MNers always tell you not to do), his pay went into my bank account, basically we did everything 'wrong'.

But I'd still say you can either earn a living or live one. Take a chance, you are young enough to rebuild if you have to. You may not have to!

Good luck