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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regarding bullies.

27 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 26/02/2014 23:09

I am so fed up with having to defend myself against bullies: abusive men, workplace (in the past), school (in the past), etc, etc.
I'm not the strongest person but I'm not a complete wimp either and I just want a break and find some nice, kind people with whom I don't have to watch my back.
I've never really felt this burning desire to rip into others in order to make myself feel good.

OP posts:
Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 27/02/2014 20:38

I'm a bit gutted that noone has replied yet. I would like to have a support thread for everyone who has been bullied in the past and/or continues to be bullied and how we can overcome this.
It is a sad part of human nature and sometimes I feel that I don't trust humans or evn like them due to my experiences of being bullied at school and by family members.
I don't really get a kick of exploiting the weakness of others but some people seem to thrive on this. Is anyone struggling with this issue?
I have been bullied at work before. I wouldn't say that I am a particularly horrid person, neither am I hugely popular...it just gets me down and makes me want to become a hermit in the Himalayas!
I would like to build positive relationships with men and colleagues without fearing that I am either going to get bullied. Mabe it's ptsd?

OP posts:
Onmyownwith4kids · 27/02/2014 21:05

I was hideously bullied at school. My dad died and it was seen as a chance to chase me home with various taunts. Horrible. There are some nasty bullies out there but I still have a ridiculous faith in human nature. Most people are lovely. Or do I live in a little fantasy world?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 27/02/2014 21:19

I was bullied at school and then again at college and it has made me very wary of getting into friendships with people that give me the bully vibe.

My bullies (with the exception of the particularly horrible ten year old boy at school) were female and very skilled at what they did.
As I got older and my confidence increased I was more able to disengage and detach from anyone I felt even slightly bullied by.
I think it's much more difficult to do this when being bullied in a work situation though.

PTSD...I do think that being exposed to bullying can lead to long term emotional trauma.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 27/02/2014 21:24

I find psychological abuse the hardest thing. I work in education and although I love my job I get flash backs as I am remeinded of school bullying.
I wish I had your faith onmy. I just don't see much kindness in the world atm. I hope one day I will stop becoming cynical.
I feel if I was harder at school or whatevr mabe I could avoid it.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 27/02/2014 21:32

I was bullied a school. Not physically but emotionally.

I suffered (and still do but not to the same extremes) with eczema.

Lots of name calling, being ostracised, games involving "who dares touch" - that sort of thing. Pretty much from the start of school until 6th form.

So yes, I understand.

My best response was to ignore it as best I could and focus my efforts on me rather than the bullies. It was to much negative (and wasted) energy to think about them in the end.

Fast forward and I am now in a much better place than any of my worst tormentors (emotionally, relationships, career, etc etc - pretty much by any measure you care to judge).

I really "get" your pain, but the best thing I ever did was to give up my (what nearly became) obsession with them and "getting my own back" and actually focus on my own goals - putting all my energy into me rather than the emotional vacuum of "them". Thanks

Onmyownwith4kids · 27/02/2014 21:39

Superstar, I suppose my response to bullying is to try and block out nastiness and try to believe in the best. Not easy as there are a lot of nasty people around. But I try and focus on the lovely ones. Mind you it's hard sometimes when I hear what the other girls have been saying to my 7 year old. Prettiness league tables and all sorts!

Paintyourbox · 27/02/2014 21:40

Hi OP,

I was bullied throughout school and then again in my first job. Looking back I think it was because I was quite a shy person (more so now after all of the bullying!)

Like another poster said, I take consolation in the fact that my life is in a much better place in terms of jobs, relationships etc than those who bullied me. The fact they were bullies says more about them and their insecurities than it does about me.

Have you tried counselling? I found it really beneficial in helping me get back some of my confidence back.

There are nice people in the world, I am lucky enough to have met many of them- you just have to keep your faith.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 27/02/2014 22:08

The problem is my life isn't in a better place than that of my bullies. I have a temp job, failed to become permanant and I am now single as my bully of an ex boyfriend idn't lik the fac that I got a new job.
The problem is that if you are down and weakened by one life event such as being dumped by someone you love then others (students) will pick up on that and join in the fun.
I am a teacher and I feel like the stuffing was knowcked out of me when my ex left when I first started. I wasn't a state at work but I think that my students sensed I wasn't at my most robust and have given me a hard time. It does feel like bullying sometimes even though I am much better at hitting back and putting them back in their place.
I did put one student in his place who was nit-picking and it felt good!

OP posts:
Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 27/02/2014 22:08

didn't like the fact sorry. The bullying held me back if anything.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2014 22:34

I often feel similar to you superstar . I get fed up of having to deal with them , it seems there's always someone trying it on whether it's a colleague or a neighbour , or an in law.

I often feel sorry for my dcs who think that once they leave school it's all going to stop.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 27/02/2014 23:05

I know ...it's relentless. It would be nice just to be able to chill with other people. The work place is also shocking for bullying. Quite horrendous!

OP posts:
lonesurviver · 27/02/2014 23:19

Super IMO it's not possible to remain the same person after any sort of bullying, and to be honest with you being more aware that bullying can happen anywhere sometimes can save you a lot of pain and disappointment

CookieDoughKid · 27/02/2014 23:57

Till this day I remember my school bully. A bitch of a girl that taunted and was sometimes violent to a number of pupils. I have often searched for her and fantasize about talking to her and seeing if she remembered or felt any remorse.

I don't take shit from people now so can stick up for myself but I do wonder what makes a bully. I'm sure insecurity is a huge factor.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 28/02/2014 06:27

One of my school bullies asked to be my friend on facebook. It gace me great satisfaction to turn her down.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2014 09:57

I take a slightly different view. I have experienced and survived bullying and choose to treat it as a life lesson rather than a life sentence. I like to think I can spot bullying in others, I'm sensitised to it, I don't tolerate it towards myself and I will step in if I see it happening to others. Doesn't matter who it is, incidentally... colleagues, friends, family or even random strangers. It would be nice if bullies didn't exist but realistically, it ain't gonna happen...

VandaHookeriana · 28/02/2014 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2014 10:41

I'm not sure about the correlation. I got no help dealing with bullying as a kid specifically but, on the plus side, had/have a lot of self-belief and a smart mouth ... (possibly too smart ... maybe that's why I got bullied :) ) I started off by detaching & peace-keeping rather like yourself. I also do a very nice line in tension-busting, life-saving jokes - which even work on Germans (also Belgians). The older I've got the more I actively pitch in and stand up to them. But that's felt rather organic rather than a deliberate strategy.

rainbowsmiles · 28/02/2014 11:25

I think some are more able to cope with bullying than others. I've always been good with bullies -smart mouth, fast runner and always a good detatcher, they wouldn't get the response they wanted so never lasted long.

Unfortunately the people who are not so good with bullies tend to be the ones that get pulled apart by it.

There are two people who are close to me and were bullied through school. Both are scarred by it in that the effect of the bullying continues to impact their behaviour.

One is so defensive it is almost impossible to get beyond it to the really lovely person underneath.

The other has been affected but in more of a really lovely way. She is very understanding and tends towards the underdog etc. She continues to be very sensitive to any criticism or perceived criticism.

Interestingly both have gone into education.

Both still talk about the bullying regularly and still 20-30 years on get upset when they recall some incidents.

nerofiend · 28/02/2014 11:27

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I'm given the silent treatment at work at the moment and being ostracized, which is a passive aggressive form of bullying.

I do stand up to bullies b sometimes but then feel terrible as I hate confrontation, esp with people who are not my family.

I'm quiet, polite, and gentle in nature though can be also feisty if badly provoked. I try often to ignore bullies and move on but I'm my work place it's been going on for over a year and now I feel depressed about it as our new manager seems to be another bully with lots of insecurities and control issues.

I also take it as a life lesson but the gut feeling I've got at the moment and can't get rid of is that people can be nasty and vindictive and enjoy seeing others having a hard time.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 28/02/2014 16:47

I think that one thing ive noticed is that people generally get jealous if people do better than them. I think bullying is one way of keeping people in their place and feeding iff the power that brings

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 28/02/2014 19:27

I have been bullied recently at work. It's horrible and degrading. I tell my dds how to stick up for themselves at school yet I can't even stick up for myself.

There certainly is some horrible people in this world.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2014 08:15

Jealousy is a big factor, certainly. There is such as thing as 'predatory self-esteem' i.e. making yourself feel good by making others feel bad. However, bullying can only bring power and keep someone in their place if the victim reacts in the 'right way'. My observation is that it is easier to fall into that trap if you want people to like you.

HelenHen · 01/03/2014 10:40

I was bullied a bit as a kid because I had a smart mouth and could never just ignore them or let it go, Im still pretty to the point... So much so that I've been accused of being a bully in the workplace simply cos I disagreed with someone a few times! So be careful, sometimes the word bully gets thrown around lightly too!

HelenHen · 01/03/2014 10:44

Regarding giving people the silent treatment, I certainly didn't speak to the girl at work again. Why would I if she's going to accuse me of being a bully if I don't agree with everything she says? I did not botch about her to others or try to isolate her in any way... If anyone asked I said it was a personality clash. Some people are just very sensitive and struggle in the real world. I think people should be nice in general but I'm not gonna walk on eggshells for anyone!

nerofiend · 02/03/2014 11:51

HelenHen, I'm sorry but I disagree with you about giving someone the silent treatment.

When you work with people, you will find yourself in situations when you need to talk to them in order to work as a team.

In other circumstances, when you don't have to see people every day, you can afford not to speak to someone, but at work, you have to always be professional and will need to talk to people to get the work done.

That behaviour is bullying, as you are ostracising someone on the basis that they don't agree with you. There are many people I don't agree with in life, however, they deserve to be treated with respect and giving someone the silent treatment or snubs is very childish behaviour and should never be justified or encouraged.

If you've been called a bully you should prove yourself that you aren't by talking to this person in an adult manner and solving the problem in private.