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Original poster

Those of you with selfish husbands...

46 replies

Horsemad · 25/02/2014 20:24

would you say your husbands are 'team players' at work?

Trying to help a friend whose husband is an out and out selfish sod and I'm aware that at work he isn't a team player - this obviously spills over into his homelife.

Do any of you have husbands who are selfish at home, don"t share chores, jealous since the children arrived but at work are brilliant team players?

OP posts:
Amicus1966 · 25/02/2014 21:42

No.
Mine is equally as rude and obnoxious at his workplace as he is at home.

cjel · 25/02/2014 21:49

No. My Ex is selfish and arrogant wherever he is

andadietcoke · 25/02/2014 21:50

At work he can't do enough to help his colleagues, they're always telling me how lovely he is, and how he goes out of his way to help them.

Maybe it's so exhausting being so helpful at work that he needs to rest when he gets in...

Original poster
Horsemad · 25/02/2014 21:52

Hmm, so only one who could be deemed a 'team player' so far.

It's a bit of a theme isn't it?!

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 25/02/2014 21:59

Mine goes above and beyond for others but has to put reminders in his phone to 'check in on me'

freakypenguin · 25/02/2014 23:49

My STBX can't do enough for work colleagues...agree that he must have been using up all his goodwill, helpfulness and kindness there, because since DC3 arrived I certainly didn't see any such behaviour.

Remember once I was struggling to feed children, hang laundry etc etc and he was as per usual ignoring all this and was either asleep or watching TV, I forget which. He had barely spoken to me or DCs since coming home.

Doorbell goes unexpectedly and it's one of his work colleagues with a personal,not work laptop that H has offered to fix free. Suddenly he becomes Mr Congeniality and chats away, fixing this bloody laptop.

what made it more galling was my own laptop had been on the blink for weeks but he was "far too busy to mend it, and anyway, I mend computers all day, I need a break."

Needless to say I don't miss him now he's gone.

Wonderingwhatcomesnext · 26/02/2014 03:48

Same as crispyporkbelly. Mine will do anything for his friends (he works on his own so no workmates) and will go out of his way to help even strangers but if I ask him to do something, he rolls his eyes and tuts.

DarlingGrace · 26/02/2014 05:03

Mine is a team player - at work and at home - but I'm not married to knob...

Superworm · 26/02/2014 06:36

No. I cringe at the way he speaks to colleagues sometimes.

sydlexic · 26/02/2014 06:41

No, unfortunately his job is such that the more he gets his own way, does the deal on his terms the more successful he is.

sydlexic · 26/02/2014 06:43

DarlingGrace, congratulations, but why did you reply?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2014 06:49

I think DarlingGrace's reply is apt because the OP is side-tracking a little asking about links between behaviour at home and work. Sounds like he is a knob. If when you say 'selfish' you mean that this man is controlling, bullying or abusive in some way OP then is your friend specifically asking for help in getting out? Does she have her head in the sand or not realise how bad his behaviour is?

penguinplease · 26/02/2014 06:53

Another one here who has a dp who would spin ten plates in the air for acquaintances but could barely be arsed with his family. As mentioned by someone above, I don't miss him

penguinplease · 26/02/2014 06:53

'Had' not has!

livingzuid · 26/02/2014 07:09

Urgh my X couldn't do enough for people at work. To the point of working 12 hour days. When I challenged him how come he could do that but not come home and support and spend time with me I got blank looks. I think it made it worse that he did so much at the office and fek all at home. Made me feel like I wasn't worth his effort.

So glad he is out of my life!

Lweji · 26/02/2014 07:38

Can't see much point on the post. How is it supposed to help your friend?
Or is it a sort of red flag thing people should be mindful of?

Recently, one thing that put me off was how he described treating people at work. It worried me, although he did seem to be the helpful type.

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 07:39

My exH was selfish, moany, lazy and entitled. Never helped with chores, was envious of others doing well, enraged that I ran my own little business (any successes I had would annoy him). However seeing him outside and interacting with others, you'd never think so. Most people described him as a really nice guy, he'd think nothing of doing a neighbour's garden, helping elderly lady down the road with shopping, etc. He was good looking & softly spoken. I reckon that helped. I remember a starry eyed mum at the school gate tellling me I was lucky to have him..by that time I was already wishing I could be shot of him. It was extremely important to him that everyone liked and thought well of him. He'd actually become enraged if he became aware someone wasn't really into him, although he wouldnt display that to said person.

But..work was a completely different scenario. He lost 3 jobs in a row when we were together and ALWAYS had a story about a horrible or bitchy person who was making his work-life hell..basically, he just couldn't get on with work colleagues. 3 times in a row = a major problem so nope, in no way a brilliant team player. I do remember him once telling me about a female work colleague who had been ok in terms of training him on various office systems - but 1 day she shouted at him that he barely listens and is intent on either firing questions or 'yes yes, I know that already' when clearly he doesnt, so is virtuably impossible to train. I remember thinking "well nothing a woman has to say is of value to you anyway so you wouldnt be able to accept that a woman is training you*.

This post has made me think. Im sitting here Grin that he's no longer a feature in my life. OH is a different type of man to him entirely, thank god

OvertiredandConfused · 26/02/2014 07:59

My FiL was awful at home with his wife but utterly charming to friends and colleagues. He died unexpectedly a couple of years ago and MiL was stunned at all the stories she heard about what a wonderful, kind, funny and generous man he was!

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 26/02/2014 08:37

I think there is a bit of a sexist flavour to some of these posts, as in these men display helpfulness and cheerfulness etc to colleaugues at work, but when at home, deep down feel their wives/girlfriends rank lower socially.
My XP watched me struggle trying to BF our baby and making a meal. I kid you not. He sat there and drank a can of lager.
I find life amazingly easier without a 12 stone child to contend with.
He was a sexist bully. Even his own mother said she was ashamed.
I still get on with her to this day.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2014 08:40

Goes way past sexist SilenceoftheSAHMs and well into misogyny :)

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 26/02/2014 08:42

Oh yes, and his BFF (who I got on well with) used to go crackers with him, but in his eyes housework etc was "Womens Work".

EirikurNoromaour · 26/02/2014 08:43

My XH is self employed because he can't bear anyone being his boss. Nuff said?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2014 08:44

They really despise women, don't they? It's just a pity they don't have to have 'I look nice enough but I'm a woman-hating fuckwit' tattooed on their foreheads so we can all save ourselves a lot of time and bother.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 26/02/2014 08:44

Yes Cogito that is a much better word. I would have used it but I am unwell with a cold (Excuses...)
Its like, "Sod the wife, she belongs at home and its her job to sort it all out herself"
It saddens me that misogyny is alive and well, and minimised (Oh, hes stressed at work, poor dear) in this day and age.

livingzuid · 26/02/2014 08:46

Oh and plenty of time for his hobby/obsession (trainspotter. Sigh) ie after work and all weekend but heaven forbid housework was included in that. Or cooking. I used to think oh I'm so glad he isn't into football/porn (although I now query the latter) but neglect was bad looking back. Work and trains were more important than his wife.

12 stone child is exactly it. I'm so much lighter now Grin