Those of you with selfish husbands...

[Horsemad]

would you say your husbands are 'team players' at work?

Trying to help a friend whose husband is an out and out selfish sod and I'm aware that at work he isn't a team player - this obviously spills over into his homelife.

Do any of you have husbands who are selfish at home, don"t share chores, jealous since the children arrived but at work are brilliant team players?

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

My ex is mr charming cheerful at work, very helpful. Although he will ring in sick at the drop of a hat. So not sure how much of a team player that makes him.

[Loopylouu]

Everyone at dh work loves him, thinks he's great..

He spends hours researching stuff for them online, bringing home thier computers to fix.

He can be a right twat to me though.

[AWomansPlace]

My ex is a bullying selfish arsehole at work. It was the same at home, hence him being an ex, eventually.

[FruitbatAuntie]

My ex also couldn't do enough for friends and colleagues, whilst treating me like shit on his shoe. Not only would he sit drinking whilst I tried to deal with a newborn velcro BF baby, an six year old, and every last bit of housework and cooking on 2 hours sleep a night, he would make a point of spending hours each day SCREAMING at me that I did nothing, was a lazy bitch, selfish and frigid! What a catch.

Actually, whilst he would offer to do anything to help customers, colleagues and friends out - in reality he never delivered in his promises. So he had a string of jobs left (due to unbearable pressure and bullying by bosses, hmm), customers pissed off due to missed deadlines or him just doing what HE thought they needed not what they had asked for, friends let down at the last minute (he got up on the day of a good friend's wedding and decided he wasn't going as he felt a teeny bit under the weather - turns out it was a tiny affair and he was due to be just about the only person on the grooms side! Friendship wrecked). I could go on and on...

I think that these people are selfish through and through. If they are helping other people out, it is for their own ends. They want to impress people, or bolster their own belief in themselves as a 'good guy' - whereas you are the unreasonable selfish one as you complain so much!

[yourehavingalaugh]

Oh I had one of these. He would laugh and joke with acquaintances, neighbours, people who knocked the door. To me it was so false and insincere but I'm not sure others could see through it. He could also not work with/for other people.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

I work with a man like that. Very good at playing the nice guy, until the mask slips.
Slipped with me one day, because were in diff departments ( & I am a female) it never crossed his mind that I was technically senior to him.
I ripped him a new one, but felt really sad for his poor partner, because it was obvious that he was used to getting his own way & throwing a tantrum was his reaction to not getting his way

[freakypenguin]

too, it's chaos with love at its heart*, I meant. Used to be an English teacher, can't let those errors go uncorrected, sorry!

[freakypenguin]

I am pleased if I have helped, facedirection. It's what's keeping me going at the moment, anyway! for you to. I live in chaos a lot of the time, but it's chaos with love at it's heart!

[FaceDirectionOfTravel]

*inspiring .

[FaceDirectionOfTravel]

freaky that last post was so I spring, thank you. I am shit at all manner of 'ephemera' and that just made me cry a little and motivate me to keep on.

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

To clarify, by the phrase "Manchild" that I used (And my other MNers have done) I meant an adult that is sulky and stroppy and emotionally immature, not an insult on children who have every right to behave like what I have just described, because they are children.

Parents who mollycoddle their children into adulthood produce these adults.

And here we are on this thread, discussing them

[freakypenguin]

I think some men only like doing work that is conspicuous and gives them immediate approval. Certainly my X would nsure that (on the rare occasion) people came round he would do the cooking. But most of the time when there was no-one to impress it was "what's for tea?" and usually when I told him, a face-pull and "oh, I wouldn't have cooked that."

I am more and more convinced that men like him just don't do any work that has an ephemeral impact...change a nappy? Why? It will only get dirty again. Unload a dishwasher? Why? It will just get filled up again. Put up a painting in a prominent position in the house? Yes, because there is a lasting impact. It will stay hung.

The vast majority of what I do I used to think ephemeral. Now every time I catch myself thinking that I look at my DCs and think "this act shows my love for you. And you know you were loved by my day-to-day efforts for you. And that is not ephemeral. That will last your whole lives."

And my X has squandered that opportunity to make a lasting legacy to his DCs and instead prefers to farm all his efforts into work that has a monetary return because he thinks it's worth more. More fool him.

[BlackeyedSusan]

he had strategies to cope at work, but did not bother to use them at home. his attitude to housework was that it was my reponsibility and he helped a bit.

[Horsemad]

Wow, thanks for all the replies, only just got online but wanted to say I posted to see if it's a common theme really and sadly it does appear to be.

I guess it's a bit of a marker that if someone isn't a team player at work then they probably won't take to marriage/partnership very well.

Interesting!

[Freedom2014]

No, lazy selfish twat at home. Lazy selfish twat at work as well. Can't As much as muster a grunt for colleagues, and was even crap at helping me when I called his department for assistance (we work for the same organisation so I know work and home side). Many people were not surprised at all when in left him.
STBEXH ! Squeal with delight!!!!

[livingzuid]

No cogito I disagree. Their behaviour is childish it was in my case anyway. Anything rather than face up to reality and behave like an adult. He was babied by his parents and I was expected to do the same. It is exhausting.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think '12 stone child' (and 'manchild') actually does a huge disservice to children... most of whom IME are extremely pleasant.

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

12 stone child. its true isn't it?

He would not even close drawers or cupboards after himself.

Never in my life will I again accept such treatment and will encourage other ladies on here similarly.

I was also expected to feel and express huge gratitude as he added me to his car insurance. I realised he did this so he could get smashed and send me to all-night off licences for more ale. If mt dad knew about this he would go batshit.

I wished I had never passed my driving test.

You shouldn't feel like that.

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

My ex was also a shocking racist and homophobe. He kept these things to himself till I was entrenched in the relationship. I cant get over that he would watch me struggle BFing and doing housework but then put shelves up, mow lawns for friends.
I really did not matter and when I asked him to leave he was full of apologies and regret. Too late.
It infuriates me that I put up with it for 3 years.
He also could not get on with people at work so he is self employed. Which conveniently enables him to cook his books according to what child maintenance he wishes to pay. Or not.

[dashoflime]

My Ds is not a team player at work. He is quite rigid in his approach to task, a hopeless manager and not too good at taking critisism either! Luckily his job just involes a screen and a load of code

He is a perfectly attentive husband though.

I am not a team player either tbh. i always lie at interviews and say I am The vast majority of the time tasks get done better when Im just left alone to do them, and not made to (shudder) collaborate with others

[livingzuid]

Oh and plenty of time for his hobby/obsession (trainspotter. Sigh) ie after work and all weekend but heaven forbid housework was included in that. Or cooking. I used to think oh I'm so glad he isn't into football/porn (although I now query the latter) but neglect was bad looking back. Work and trains were more important than his wife.

12 stone child is exactly it. I'm so much lighter now

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

Yes Cogito that is a much better word. I would have used it but I am unwell with a cold (Excuses...)
Its like, "Sod the wife, she belongs at home and its her job to sort it all out herself"
It saddens me that misogyny is alive and well, and minimised (Oh, hes stressed at work, poor dear) in this day and age.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

They really despise women, don't they? It's just a pity they don't have to have 'I look nice enough but I'm a woman-hating fuckwit' tattooed on their foreheads so we can all save ourselves a lot of time and bother.

[EirikurNoromaour]

My XH is self employed because he can't bear anyone being his boss. Nuff said?