anger management for dh? any exp? does it work?

[anonforabit]

Will try to keep short, dh and I married 17 years, dd 14, ds12. DH has always had a short fuse, certain things, some predictable some not, will send him into a rage shouting and ranting often irrationally. I have learnt the best way to deal with it is to go v quiet, not argue and keep out of his way till he calms down, kids have also learnt this, dh's father very similar. He has never been violent or physically threatened me or kids, but he can be scary when he is ranting, as will slam doors etc. Recently I have started to notice the kids behaviour is affected when he goes into one, dd very much tries to make the peace, kind of sucks up to him iykwim trying to making him happy again, ds occasionally joins in with this but usually goes quiet like me. I feel ashamed when I realise how much this affects them and want to make it right. In all other ways he is a great dad/dh, and I cant imagine life without him, but I know this has to change if we have a future. Last night after a trivial thing set him off ranting at dd, he accused me of deliberately winding him up etc and I decided enough. I want to suggest something positive as if I say Ive had enough he'll kick off and start talking divorce as he knows I don't want this (crappy unstable childhood etc) for me or dc. So has anyone got any experience of anger management working (or not) and how do you go about starting this process, assuming I can convince him to do it. TIA

If you'd been told that your bullying behaviour was damaging but you'd still been in the secure confines of the relationship rather had some time out in the cold, do you think you'd have listened? I'm guessing not.

Thanks cogito - guard is definitely up. Trying to think practically, taking dd shopping on sat for new school shoes and shirts and paying everything like school trips etc just in case, no sure if that's callous, devious or pathetic really. Will also start spiriting money into my personal account is that really wrong, feels dreadful?
Aw11 - I'm really pleased you are working things out, thanks for sharing stuff here, it's really appreciated, has given me hope but not blind hope. Life sure ain't like Disney is it.

And what Eirikur wrote earlier in its entirety as well.

The only way to make this right is to remove yourself and your children from him altogether. What do you think you are BOTH teaching your children about relationships here?.

Are you still planning on all going away on holiday together?. He should do the right thing here and not go away with you.

"Will also start spiriting money into my personal account is that really wrong, feels dreadful?"

My mother isn't particularly good at sage life-lessons but one thing she told me growing up was 'always have a bit put by'. ie. 'that he can't spend'. When my own marriage broke down and my spendthrift husband left, I was very glad I'd listened to that advice because it probably saved me from bankruptcy, homelessness and a heap of other crap.

You simply can't rely on the financial goodwill of your DH any more. So no, it's not wrong to start building a financial life-raft.

This sounds very similar to my situation. My husband also came to a realisation about his behaviour - when I had finally put my foot down and told him I had had enough. he was similar to your H - a bit of a bully, quite controlling and very critical, shouty and aggressive at times. I was starting to suffer with anxiety issues and it was getting too much for me. I was unable to function without asking his permission first.

One incident I remember was standing at the local shop for about 5 minutes trying to decide which drink to buy. They didn't have what he had asked for and I spent so long running through the scenarios in my head about what he would think of the possible choices - working out what I would say to justify my decision. I went home as a bundle of nerves expecting the worst. he was fine with my choice - but I realised "this is what I have come to".

One year later my husband is a changed man - not perfect by any stretch. but i am changed too. I realised that while he was working on his own issues - I needed to work on mine as well. I had to become stronger, more confrontational and to stick up for the children when necessary. this last point is crucial.

if you stay with your husband the children need to see you are a team - but that you are an individual with your own ideas and that you don't give in to him or do things to please him. if you have ever caught yourself saying "Dad won't like it if...." or "be quiet, Dad is in a mood" etc etc. this must stop.

This is going to take lots of work on all fronts. You will have times when you question if he has really changed because he will revert to type at times. but you have to challenge it - every time. there will be times when you hate him for not realising the damage he was doing and you will be unable to wipe the slate clean (even though he feels he will deserve that). he will point out all the hard work he has done and expect you to gloss over the past.

I prefer to forgive - but not forget. I love the new man i have in my life, but i am watchful and ready for shifts in his personality and i do my best to challenge them when they happen. often he fails to see my point at the time - but does reflect later. With every passing month he gets better and we get closer.

Don't think this is going to be an easy road - but it really is possible.

Thank you whatdoesittake, I know that there is a long road ahead if we are to stay together and if not. It does already feel as though there has been a big shift if you know what I mean, dh's interaction with the dc last night was nothing out of the ordinary for normal people I guess but reduced me to tears just watching dh helping ds get his ingredients ready for school cooking today. So I am guardedly hopeful, thank you so much.

Also whatdoesittake, well done am pleased for you, and impressed at your strength.

Sorry to be needy, was going to wait and get dh to ask phsychoanalyst on Monday about talking to dc. Should we sit them down and say this is how it's been, it's wrong dh is wrong to behave that way, I'm wrong to have allowed it, but we are going to change things make it better. Will also get him to ask GP on Friday.

Anon - no worries, feels quite cathartic actually. Never spoken to anyone about this before. There is always hope, but don't expect any change.

Cogito, was that aimed at me? If so you're right, I didn't see the damage my behavior was doing whilst still in the relationship, which is why in my first post on this thread I suggested anon split up with her husband.

Ah, he's bought some time then.

This is what my father does. He's been doing it to my mother for 45+ years. They now live together in low grade misery punctuated by him reverting to type every few weeks. My mum doesn't even give him ultimatums any more, she just lives with it. And with minimal contact with her dc and dgc because none of us can stand him

I understand your reluctance given his apparent good will.

You need to establish very firm boundaries for what you expect from him and let go the first time he crosses them.

Thanks Lweji, am feeling totally zero tolerance! Not even three strikes and you're out, one will be all it takes! He is actually rubbish at acting and lying so even if he had pulled off an almighty show yesterday, he certainly can't keep up a veneer so if he isn't sincere it will be apparent very soon, and then he will be history!

I think you should be absolutely honest with your children - but only you can judge if that is wise. I also recommend telling friends and family about his commitment.

This is something he needs to do as part of his work on himself. he needs to apologise to the children and explain to them what he is going to do to make it better. then he needs to tell his family/friends (if you are happy for that to happen) what he put you all through and explain that they need to support you.

I regret not insisting on this as i still feel like I can't really talk to other people about this. Also if he had told other people and apologised to them - i would have felt more like he really truly meant it. it took a long time for me to accept that.

it is all too easy for him to cry and grovel at your feet - he is used to being vulnerable in front of you. but telling his Mum, his dad, his best friend and his kids will really help him to accept he has been wrong and it will really show he believes that he is abusive. their reactions will also cement the wrongness of his actions.

Do you think he will do this?

While it is good he has sought help the message would be rammed home a lot more if he has to go back to a B&B after each session and not into the family home where he has terrorised everyone. You can do what you want with your own life but when you are responsible for children and at least one already blames herself I think you need to be looking inwards as well.

OP you have described my ex to a tee.

My step daughter would appease him.

He was also physically abusive but I didn't realise because it started as shoves, grabbing, pushing etc.

My best friends (sisters) grew up with an angry, violent father. They took a very long time to forgive their mother, because she took so long to leave.

Now, at 32, one has been on anti depressants, in therepy for 15 years. The other, at 28, pulls all her hair out and wears a wig.

Because of their childhood.

You are their mother. Protect them. The emotional impact of his behaviour is MASSIVE.

You can do what you want for yourself. But it is your job to get them out of this situation.

Sorry, just caught up.

Broke the cardinal sin of not RTFT!

Have to say though, it would send a much clearer message, and be more likely to stick if he had to move out whilst you are working this out and you might realise how much better off you are alone

Whatdoesittake - thank you, I agree about telling the children the truth, I am reluctant to tell them anything until it's more clear whether he will be staying here or moving out though and I am (maybe wrongly) waiting to hear the GPs and the therapists opinions on this as I don't want to tell them one thing and then change it a few days later if that makes sense. Toffee dd doesn't blame herself for the situation, it was in relation to the specific row on Sunday. Dh did actually apologise to the dc last night about his behaviour on the previous evening, told them it was unacceptable and wouldn't happen again. Its not trying to wipe the slate clean with one apology for one event when the whole situation is wrong but I don't feel we are able to talk to them about the whole situation and the way forward until we have made specific plans. I don't want to be vague with them, and I want to be able to give proper answers to at least most of their questions. Does that sound crap? Not sure, anyway I haven't by any stretch ruled out him leaving. A book has arrived here today for him, self-help type book, am bizarrely fascinated to see what it is as it will be revealing to see what label he given his problem, will report back later if get a chance. Thanks as always.

Just RTFT and wanted to say well done OP you sound strong and you need to stay strong. Really, Really strong. And acutely aware of what happens next.

After I gave my STBXH his ultimatum I basically sat back waiting for him to sort himself out (GP diagnosed him with depression, STBXH went into martyr mode) and this was a mistake. Stay on your guard. Am interested to know what book he has got! Good luck.

Morning, am feeling a little less fragile today. The book dh ordered was an anger management book which I was initially angered by (irony) tbh but then I realised that he hasn't spent the past three days listening to your wise words on here, and that anger management was indeed the title of this thread so have tried to take it on face value. He has certainly never even considered self-help before so it is perhaps symbolic in itself. He is still visibly shaken by this situation and there is a noticeable change in the atmosphere (positive!) in the house, the dc are noticeably buoyant. I have plans in my mind which I am finding comforting I.e. If x happens me and dc will stay he whilst he moves out if y happens we will leave etc don't know if that's weird. I am still very much on guard and waiting for the shoe to drop tho. My train of thought re dc is that following his appts with GP tomorrow and therapist on Monday we will either talk to them about dh getting therapy etc and explain and apologise, tell them things will improve or dh will leave, or explain dh will be leaving imminently whilst he gets help (and us) and may return if he can get better but if not he won't. I think that there needs to be some sort of break/line drawn between the past and the future for them, I am also thinking that maybe we need at least a short break without him either way so that we can relearn normal if that makes sense. I am going to talk to dh some more tonight before his GP appt tomorrow and make it clear to him that it is not 'just' the angry outbursts that affect us it is all the other little things we do to try not to irritate him, which in my current overly analytical state, seems vast, well because it is. Sorry for the ramble, does me good to get it out. Thanks