anger management for dh? any exp? does it work?

[anonforabit]

Will try to keep short, dh and I married 17 years, dd 14, ds12. DH has always had a short fuse, certain things, some predictable some not, will send him into a rage shouting and ranting often irrationally. I have learnt the best way to deal with it is to go v quiet, not argue and keep out of his way till he calms down, kids have also learnt this, dh's father very similar. He has never been violent or physically threatened me or kids, but he can be scary when he is ranting, as will slam doors etc. Recently I have started to notice the kids behaviour is affected when he goes into one, dd very much tries to make the peace, kind of sucks up to him iykwim trying to making him happy again, ds occasionally joins in with this but usually goes quiet like me. I feel ashamed when I realise how much this affects them and want to make it right. In all other ways he is a great dad/dh, and I cant imagine life without him, but I know this has to change if we have a future. Last night after a trivial thing set him off ranting at dd, he accused me of deliberately winding him up etc and I decided enough. I want to suggest something positive as if I say Ive had enough he'll kick off and start talking divorce as he knows I don't want this (crappy unstable childhood etc) for me or dc. So has anyone got any experience of anger management working (or not) and how do you go about starting this process, assuming I can convince him to do it. TIA

He took you saying all that and offered to leave the house straight away?

Wow.

I also would like to know if it works. I know they have to be willing, dp is. I wanted to ask on here but know people will just say get rid.

Let me take a stab at a few guesses.

You wind me up.
The kids wind me up.
It's not that bad!
The traffic was shit on the way home.
I've had a crap day.
I haven't had any lunch today.
I'm stressed out with work.
What's the problem...I'm not angry at YOU!
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Or if you stand up to him...

Why are you starting an argument?
You don't know when to lay off do you?
See...you're just as bad as me!!
Stop nagging! You just go on and on and on...

Any of those that apply at all? Or similar?

Pictish - didn't answer! Re offering to leave straight away, that's like a dare thing, he knows how I feel about dc and stability etc so knows that's my Achilles heel. I am feeling stronger now so that's good I guess

Sorry...I actually wondered what he had to say regarding being able to control his anger around other people?

Oh I see...HE didn't answer. Righto!

So when you try to address his aggressive behaviour, he threatens divorce?
Ok.
That's not good. He just wants you to shut up about it doesn't he?

"that's like a dare thing"

What an immature twat. He is daring you to do something he knows will upset you .

Thanks for all your support, even if you are all a bit .......... Bossy? Forthright? Feel a bit like a weight has been lifted, which is a bit weird

Bossy? Forthright?

Experienced.

I don't consider it "bossy" to share something extremely painful about my upbringing. I don't do it lightly, I actually disclose very little personal stuff on here.

Actually he was very sorry, shocked, upset etc, no anger, just asked what he should do. I suspect the anger will come later when he's had a chance to think about it as was quite shocked as I'm usually very non-confrontational (oddly enough) if he is at all angry when he comes home I will tell him to go though.

"I will see if he's made a drs appt when he gets home as that will be a real test, a) he hates drs and b) to actually talk about this will be unbelievable. If he hasn't made the appt I could ask him to go tomorrow so it looks a bit more like a work trip to the kids, or should I just be straight with them? Don't know what to do for the best ....."

Why does he need to make such an appointment in the first place?.
Drs appointment will be a complete waste of time because this is not an anger problem. He's not Mr Angry around other people is he, he saves all his hate for his own family whom he sees as lesser beings.

Be straight with your children; if he does leave tell them the age appropriate truth. They need to be able to trust you.

No offence intended Any, having a bit of shit day tbh, sorry

My dad was like this. After I left home I walked straight into an abusive relationship with a carbon copy. I was bright too.

What was his response when you said he controls himself around customers?

Getting him to move out isn't about making him suffer physically it's about showing him you mean business.

Bossy? Forthright?

Neither

You need straight talking and to be able to see properly what effects living with an abusive man like your H also has on your children, both short and long term.

Such men can and do take years to recover from; I hope you realise that as well. You are certainly a prime candidate for both Womens Aid now and their Freedom Programme.

I am sorry too, I have no wish to make you feel worse, but it's your daughter I feel the most for.

Me too - she is learning that a woman's role is to appease her aggressor.

"I know they have to be willing, dp is"

If someone has an entrenched bad habit (doesn't matter what it is) that is making others suffer, acknowledges they have a problem, is committed to doing something about it and - very important - takes the initiative and puts in the hard work required then they can potentially change. But... and it's a big but... what they cannot be allowed to do is to continue to make the rest of the family miserable in the process. The incentive has to be there that, if they backtrack, it's the end.

YY to him already being able to manage his anger quite satisfactorily thank you - he saves it for those he doesn't think have any comeback against him or are too young or scared to confront him.

Yup, brilliant Dad.

Meant to say sorry - good luck OP, you are doing the right thing. Call his bluff.

I have learnt the best way to deal with it is to go v quiet, not argue and keep out of his way till he calms down, kids have also learnt this

Gets you over the storm in the immediate short term, but what does it teach your kids for their own relationships?
For your daughter - put up and shut up.
For your son - men are King.

That's the real problem with your relationship dynamic you see? Apart from the fact that I have no doubt your husband's tantrums make you all scared and miserable, it's what it all passes on isn't it?

Hi Anon, I hope you're OK.
It sounds as though you're doing good and necessary things regarding your (D)H.
Mine can also be angry, though probably not as frequently as yours.
I spend a lot of time reviewing the situation.
ATM It feels best to stay (But that's me, not advice for you in your situation)

bossy? Forthright?

he's a bullying victim blamer and FINALLY the worm has turned. Good for you. You have taken the first step in ensuring that this does not transmit to another generation.

he needs to make plans to leave, you need to make plans for the rest of your life. Good luck.