He slapped me

[feelingnumb88]

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think

If this is the 3rd time since November and his drunkeness has been getting worse each time, it sounds like he's on a slippery slope. He has to understand that he's at fault here, and he has to talk to you about it. He should cut out the drinking, especially with the new friend.

Don't let him brush this under the carpet, he has to understand that his actions have consequences.

think is right, this is a slippery slope he's on ... and he gets violent when he's drunk :/

numb, I hope he will wake up and realise what he's doing and risking. That he cuts it right out, that he chooses you and his children over the drinking and his friend.

I hope you can get through to him tonight. Thinking of you.

Good luck OP

3 times since November is a fairly predictable monthly occurrence

Op is due another slap around mid March, perhaps this time it will be a punch since that boundary has been fairly effectively crossed and comprehensively trashed by him

Whoopi do he cooked dinner and looked after your children.

Has he done what you told him to do or are your pissed covered clothes still waiting to be for you washed.

Surely if he really sorry he would at least do that.

Good luck OP. I think you know how contrite and beside yourself you would be if you had been the drunken aggressor. You should expect nothing less from him. You must postpone the wedding for now; he truly must see a visible, public consequence of his drinking to go with the private shame of having assaulted you (although you have the option to make that public too).

I'd also want him to stop going out with this "friend", but it would have to come from this.

You do sound strong, 88, even if you haven't yet decided what to do. It's not something to decide overnight, but I would just urge you to keep your boundaries firmly in place. Don't let him cross them slowly, slowly until they seem a distant memory.
What do you expect from him? What you want to happen?

And I'd cancel the wedding. Postponing seems like you'll get round to it eventually and doesn't give him enough incentive to change, assuming he can.

"it would have to come from him.", rather

OP how long ago did his bf die? Do you think he would benefit from counselling? Tbh I'd be suggesting some anyway.

Good luck with it all. I would be expecting a no drinking promise. What happened cannot ever happen again. Not for you and not for the kids. I hope he makes all the right changes.

I hope he washed the pissed on clothes OP in his flurry of activities. HE needs to do it.

for you OP - what a shitty situation he's put you in with his thoughtlessness.

Yeah get the wedding on the back burner.

Alcohol, bereavement, the 'sleep walking' theory... If he wants to try and explain hear him out (if you want) but please don't let him or anyone else try to excuse him hitting you. Because there is no excuse. It's just giving him a thumbs up to do it again. Really.

I'd see the fact you're not married as my chance to get out (potentially) please don't marry him until you genuinely believe that he has taken responsibility and you trust he won't do it again or at least will avoid situations where he might be tempted to do it again.

X

I also think you sound strong and purposeful, and you are right to wait to see what comes from him.

BUT be prepared to cut your losses if your boundaries are crossed -- do not be tempted to throw away your precious time and energy on the basis that there have been ten good years. The slippery slope has to start somewhere.

BTW, have the clothes been washed, and by whom if so?

The drinking friend is not a friend to your relationship. He has to stop associating with him. I would be interested in hearing what he has to say about continuing to see him and drink with him. If he chooses the friend even though he is aware of how horribly he behaves with him, then I would call it curtains.

Thanks for coming back OP, despite all the controversy. You sound strong and level thinking, him, on the other hand isn't doing what I would've hoped he would, it's worrying. Please come back and update.

I think he does need to stop drinking, he is obviously an aggressive drunk.

How did your talk go last night, OP ?

OP - how's it going? x

My ex pushed me down a short flight of steps outside a nightclub when drunk, he also pissed on me once when we were walking home from a night out.
Not long after that he started knocking me about, pushing, hitting and strangling me. The worst was always when he had a drink. He was NEVER remorseful.
I stayed for 5 years.

Oh god... Snooky that's horrible.

Indeed, he was a twat but I was so blinded by him, he was gorgeous, generous and when it was good it was excellent. Oddly, it was quite a small, non DV/alcohol related incident that made me leave, just the straw that broke the camels back.

I believe it is often the small things that break the stalemate

Aww Snooky that's awful glad you're out though.

Has he washed the pissy clothes yet???

Been out since 1996, I look back at that time and can't comprehend that it was really me. I feel sorry for whoever he is with now, can't imagine he has changed.