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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slapped me

161 replies

feelingnumb88 · 24/02/2014 00:30

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think Sad

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 16:43

Don't really think he should be getting a pat on the back for this being the first time either Rainbow...

Meerka · 24/02/2014 16:44

Well, in fairness he did go out -last- night so yes, like Rainbow says he's probably in an appalling state today. You'd hope so anyway. Probably tomorrow too, with that big a bender. I imagine he can't possibly have gone into work or washed the clothes - yet.

if this is all a giant surprise to him, then maybe he's still reeling from shock as no doubt the poster is.

perhaps the next 24 hours will be crucial in if he'll change attitude / approach.

Most of all he'd need to give up alcohol in more than very small amounts and maybe to avoid that friend, since he seems to have been drinking more heavily since meeting him.

I don't know, guess that frankly he's at a crossroads. There's plenty of men would choose getting lashed over being a good husband. There's plenty would choose the other way.

Hope he makes the right choice, OP, and I hope you're managing to get thru the day today.

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 16:52

He's hungover? Aw... bless him Hmm

Nevermind him - how are you feeling OP? x

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 17:10

Why he did it is one thing... he still needs to take some responsibility for doing it in the first place.

peggyundercrackers · 24/02/2014 17:11

pissing in wardrobes or corners or wherever when extremely pissed is extremely common - they arent sleepwalking but it is like a trance they are in. given the amount of alcohol he had drunk im not surprised he doesnt remember - i think its pointless asking him why he done it when he obviously has no clue of what even went on...

mixing spririts and drinking whisky is a big no no for me - i know a few people who turn extremely violent when they get drunk on whisky, its like a red mist comes down and thats it, all hell breaks loose - its not nice, ive seen people hospitalised because of their behaviour.

from the sounds of it he isnt like that all the time but i would be concerned he hasnt cleaned up after himself and the fact he hasnt appologised about it all. i also think i would be unhappy at him hanging out with his mate who is a big drinker all of a sudden - whats driven that behaviour?

as usual some of the answers from the same old people on here are a little extreme, take some of the advice on here with a pinch of salt and do what you think is reasonable, not what some stranger on the internet tells you to do...

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 17:15

I agree with peggy - take all advice with pinch of salt, that goes for both kicking him out and trying to excuse his behaviour...

FreakinScaryCaaw · 24/02/2014 17:21

How's your day been op?

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 17:21

I was ready to say that if this was the first time this had happened and that he promised not to drink again (as he clearly can't handle his drink) then i would let this go.

BUT i would expect him to be bloody mortified and falling over himself to make it up to you - he isn't he is turning it around so that probably by the end of the day today he will be trying to convince you that you are being unreasonable for "going on" at him about it. In fact, he will probably say that you should have left him be and let him continue to piss over the clothes.

My friend was in a similar position with a piss head wanker for a DP. Did exactly the same thing, pissing in the wardrobe, down the stairs, the worse thing was in his DDs bed :( It took her a few years but it got alot worse before he left, she is a different, much happier person now. He is a sad alcoholic with no job and no future

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 17:22

Just because something is common doesn't make it ok!

Lazyjaney · 24/02/2014 17:23

It's a one off in 10 years, this isn't LTB territory yet despite the chorus from the usual suspects.

He was probably completely out of it yesterday, see how contrite he is in the next 48 hours, then make you call (but some of the extreme levels of contrition demanded here are absurd).

HopeClearwater · 24/02/2014 17:27

I'd be asking what he was drinking that changed his personality so much

That would be alcohol then. Duh.

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 17:28

A 'chorus' from the usual LTB suspects is more encouraging that the queue of doormats looking to excuse and minimise it...

He needs to take responsibility for hitting OP - why he did it/if he can remember doing it is what they discuss after that.

All this 'one off' talk troubles me greatly as someone who used to work with victims of DV. And that is what this was - whether it was because of drink, sleep walking (FGS) or rage - why it happened doesn't change what it is.

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 17:28

*than the queue

Jan45 · 24/02/2014 17:32

I don't think anyone is minimising what he did at all and I don't think we are doormats either. I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this, she will want to ensure it doesn't happen again and that he is severely sorry to the point that he doesn't drink again.

The OP has told us this is the first time it has happened, that's a fact, whether you like it or not.

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 17:33

I am most definately not part of the LTB brigade! But seriously, this is so NOT acceptable and a serious red flag that HE should be taking notice off. The only thing that i am questioning here is maybe someone spiked his drinks? How often is he going out and drinking 4-6 pints? thats quite a lot if its several nights a week.

He should take notice of this and be vowing to never drink again in case he does it again - if he doesn't make this sort of gesture then i would have to think very seriously as to whether i could marry him or not.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 17:34

some of the extreme levels of contrition demanded here are absurd

Yeah, imagine expecting a man to be EXTREMELY contrite for hitting his wife. Hmm

Jaysus, if he's worked out now that he should say sorry a few times, then leave the poor fellow be.

Every man is entitled one go at beating his wife before she's allowed to consider telling him to fuck off with himself.

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 17:34

But Jan - he has apologised, told the OP to move on from it and made no promises not to drink again. That is the point.

There is always a first time

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 17:37

I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this

I think you need to stop speaking for a woman who last night because a victim of domestic violence.

That is really not cool at all.

You don't know how she feels or what she wants.

But your determination to see her stay with a man who hit her is quite unpleasant to witness.

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 17:37

It is the first time. Yes. I didn't say it wasn't.

Are we supposed to congratulate for not slapping her before?! Bonkers.

The tone of some of the 'one-off' references are that this makes it better. I don't think the people who think she should kick him out (even if it's just temporarily while they BOTH have breathing space) are a 'LTB' chorus of usual suspects.

Pretty sure some people put up with stuff like this and then try and encourage others to do the same (ie. doormats) - NOT any one on here. But I've seen it on MN a lot and it is very very dangerous.

Anyhoo - hope you're alright OP.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 17:38

Ya know these "one offs" ?

A pattern of DV associated with the abuse of alcohol all start with a one off. Especially if you sweep it under the carpet and "move on"

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 17:40

Alcohol is not a changer of personality

It enhances an existing characteristic. This man is a physical abuser of women, alcohol or no alcohol. He will do it again. They (pretty much) all do.

Jan45 · 24/02/2014 17:42

LEM: He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

They have yet to talk about it, he has no recollection, it will be a black out to him. Until they have the talk and as I suggested, bullet point every single point from him entering the home, make him read it, then discuss whether or not you want to stick with him.

rainbowsmiles · 24/02/2014 17:43

Whatever Trevor I can see how your experience of dv would colour your view and you may be right. As I say I've no experience of it. My dad would never have laid a finger on my mum and my husband is not a violent or aggressive guy.

I'm not sure I'm patting anyone on the back by acknowledging that up until 2 nights ago according to the op The bloke had been a stand up guy.

I can reassure you that I am as far from a door mat as you could imagine. Boundaries and understanding are not mutually exclusive.

IndiansInTheLobby · 24/02/2014 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.