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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slapped me

161 replies

feelingnumb88 · 24/02/2014 00:30

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think Sad

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 24/02/2014 18:31

Ella, you "had never felt so much regret and embarrassment in my life". That's the difference, not your genitals.

croixrousse · 24/02/2014 18:33

He may not be contrite because he has no recollection and doesn't really know what happened; if they're not in the habit of slapping anyone it wouldn't surprise me if they were more taken aback at the very idea than apologetic. I think I'd be pretty confused if someone told me I'd done similar things I had no recollection of.

Frankly if the OP wants to forgive what is a one off as it stands (not an excuse but a statement of fact), that's her business and only she can weigh the value of the relationship against the possibility of the behaviour repeating.

MillyBlods · 24/02/2014 18:33

Gosh Lem your OH lashed out at you and then you touched his shoulder and then he hit you and gave you a thick lip.....all because there was a noise outside and it woke him upShock That's odd behaviour isn't it?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 18:36

when it's a man people have different views.

Yeah, they do.

Maybe it has something to do with the two women PER WEEK that are murdered by men who are either partners or ex partners.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 18:37

He may not be contrite because he has no recollection and doesn't really know what happened

Not good enough.

Not even close.

If he was a decent man who wasn't a risk for doing this again, the fact that he had no recollection would frighten him, not make him complacent about his lack of responsibility.

Capitola · 24/02/2014 18:40

The fact that he got so completely out-of-control drunk that he pissed on the clothes would put me off entirely, let alone that he hit you.

What a vile creature.

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 18:40

No milly - he lashed out when i touched him and caught me in the face, he had sat up in bed and wasn't properly awake and didn't know what was going on - in fact, i think he was probably asleep. So i don't really know what you are getting at, sorry. Difficult to explain, he leapt up, i put my hand on his shoulder, he hit out defensively as it obviously hadn't registered with him that it was me (there was the mother of all rows going on in the street).

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 18:41

I would tell a bloke that was slapped by his wife when she was drunk the exact same thing I have here, and have done so

HoratiaDrelincourt · 24/02/2014 18:50

Once when he was very tired and reasonably drunk then-DP now-DH refused to let me get back in bed after I went to the loo. He was certainly asleep, but absolutely adamant.

A couple of hours later, he woke up properly, saw me lying on the floor under some coats, trying to get warm, and politely asked what the fuck I was doing. So I told him.

He is still apologising to this day, some eleven years later. Because although he can't believe he did it, he believed me when I told him about it.

So I don't buy the "he isn't contrite because he doesn't remember" idea.

MillyBlods · 24/02/2014 18:51

Sorry Lem read your post totally wrong. Apologies.Smile

Meerka · 24/02/2014 18:52

heh I can believe it LEM. If you get woken up in the middle of a deep sleep phase it's like total disorientation and no idea what you're doing / what's going on! All the usual deep inhibitions are gone, for that first split second. And being woken up like that can give you the most intense terror for half a second before you collect yourself.

Or maybe im just weird

AGoodPirate · 24/02/2014 19:07

LEM said what I wanted to say.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 24/02/2014 19:17

Kick the fucker out and never let him back into your house OP. He's the one who's hit you and pissed all over a 10 year relationship along with the wardrobe. His reaction the day after - minimise, ignore, tell OP to move on, do nothing to make amends - tells you everything you need to know. It was not a blackout, he doesn't give a shit.

And as for the "aw, poor little sleep walking didums, give him a second chance" brigade, you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

gilliangoof · 24/02/2014 19:27

It sounds like he was sleepwalking. sleepwalkers pee in cupboards a lot. If he is normally great (haven't read the whole thread) then I would let it slide. I sleepwalk myself and have no clue what I'm doing. I've hurt myself a few times, never anybody else TG.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 19:36

It doesn't sound remotely like he was sleepwalking.

Unless he sleepwalked down to the pub and sleep drank all night and then sleep came home and sleep fell in the door, he was DRUNK.

Lweji · 24/02/2014 19:43

He may be whatever he is normally. He wasn't a decent person when he was told what he had done.
I find it hard to believe that he hasn't shown signs before, only the OP probably didn't notice them or dismissed them, because we tend to believe the best in people.

That is probably why some people here dismiss this too. People who have suffered dv, or have been in contact with it, know the signs, rather than be biased. In that sense, someone who hasn't, or who lives it and hasn't left or hasn't recognised it, can be just as biased as someone who has gone through dv.

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2014 19:53

How on earth was he sleepwalking?

Original poster
feelingnumb88 · 24/02/2014 20:50

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't been back but I have had a poorly toddler to deal with, then had to go out and collect the eldest at which point I took them for a treat as I felt guilty in a strange way, because whatever I chose affects them and they adore their father. And he is a great dad, always helps with bath times, bed times, takes them out to the park at weekends leaving me to have some peace etc. I can't fault him on being a dad, but I couldn't fault him on being a partner until this happened so I am starting to wonder wtf do I know.

To clear up things that have been asked, he doesn't drink weekly or fortnightly. In fact, this was his 3rd night out since November but each time he has got that bit more drunk. And yes, each time was with this friend who is a drinker. This friend also got chucked out by his ex wife 3 months after getting married, and so is single currently (can't remember who asked now).

Well, since he got home he has literally done everything. Not given me chance to do dinner, tidy up, zilch. I just had dinner and then went for a bath leaving him to it because I don't want to have it out with him in front of the kids. When I got out he had a board game up ready for us to play with DS1. So yes, not sure what that was about. Whether DSs idea or his to try get me to forget it but I couldn't let DS down as he was excited.

I wasn't even sure what to think when I started this thread. Whether I was overreacting or whether it is a slippery slope from here and I should get him to leave. I was open for opinions all around. I still am not sure, because now he just appears to be doing his usual trick of burying his head in the sand (like when his best friend died and it was all over the news, he didn't buy papers or watch anything to avoid it) and trying to move on. He will be getting a shock later when I have it out with him. I will not go back to living my life in fear, end of. His actions whilst having this discussion and what he does after will speak volumes. Because I think he should go to his mothers and seek help to make sure I or the kids don't ever have to go through that. But I won't be suggesting it, it has to come from him.

Maybe he is waiting too for the kids to be asleep, we shall see. But no chance is he getting off with pretending like it didn't happen. And if he chooses to be deluded, then he can do it elsewhere.

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 20:53

I would let it slide

Pitiful.

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 20:56

Thanks for update OP. While we all don't agree we all wish you well :-)

Have a plan for if this ever happens again. An emergency safety plan will give you peace of mind. Hopefully you won't need it.

Original poster
feelingnumb88 · 24/02/2014 21:03

I will, although for now I haven't even decided if I can forgive never mind continue. I will just have to wait to see what happens shortly.

Thank you for being there, even though I did disappear for a while!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 21:03

Good luck getting him to communicate, OP

I wonder how long he will keep up the "busy, busy" act to make sure you stay shut down.

LEMmingaround · 24/02/2014 21:05

I think you are being very sensible. It is clear that whilst he isn't drinking regularly, the amount he is drinking is causing problems. I would want a garuntee from him that he will curtail this. Either by not going out (with that particular friend might be an idea!) which is a bit much, or by cutting back, or cutting out the drinking - i think if he makes that commitment then its fine, but if he isn't willing to do that, then you have problems.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 21:07

It sounds like you have a very clear idea of what you need to happen now.

I hope it works out how you want it to.

Best of luck :)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/02/2014 21:19

An ex a long time ago got really, really drunk and peed in my underwear drawer. No violence though. Good luck OP.