He slapped me

[feelingnumb88]

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think

AFHQ No you don't understand. The poor lamb is a hungover sleep walker. And it's his first time hitting his wife. It's all fine...

JYPF: *I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this

I think you need to stop speaking for a woman who last night because a victim of domestic violence.

That is really not cool at all.

You don't know how she feels or what she wants.

But your determination to see her stay with a man who hit her is quite unpleasant to witness.*

This actually makes me sad, how much out of touch you are with the OP's post and my own.

Having a personal attack at me only makes you look uncool and everyone can now witness your tactics to construe what people are actually saying, dearie me.

Lobby glad you're out of that horrid situation

My DH did the very same and I also tried to stop him weeing in the wardrobe. I shouted and tried to drag him to the loo but in his drunken state he truly believed that the wardrobe was the loo and got angry because he was desperate to wee and felt I was moving him away from it. Personally I would believe him that he doesn't remember and was just reacting to someone pulling him away from the loo. Could have been anyone.

Nobody is saying it's fine or minimising it, you lot are making that up because we're not all joining the LTB band.

Trevor: you made the point of it being a one off incident and that not being an excuse, no it's not but that's what the OP has said, it's the first incident in 10 years.

Not once in the post has the OP intimated leaving him so I hardly think I am encouraging her to stay with a wife beater because I have deduced she doesn't want to leave him over this.

They have yet to talk about it, he has no recollection, it will be a black out to him.

Um... they HAVE talked about it.

That's how he was able to communicate that he didn't remember doing it and she should stop going on about him hitting her and just accept it as something he wasn't responsible for.

You shouldn't have to sit down with someone and give them a blow by blow account of their abuse of you for them to be EXTREMELY contrite.

A decent person, of any stripe, would be APPALLED and TERRIFIED at what they were capable of doing, no matter how drunk they were.

If you found out you'd slapped one of your children in anger when you were drunk, would you expect that to just be written off as no big deal?

A MAN, hit his wife and is not really at all sorry and thinks she should be fine with what happened.

And you think it's important to write it off a a "one off".

The only way this could be a one off would be if HE was doing EVERYTHING in his power to make sure he could NEVER do anything like this again.

He is not doing that. He is doing a very good impression of someone who isn't at all sorry.

It sounds like he might have been on drugs too.

What a wanker. There is no excuse for lashing out at you.

I had no idea that so many people thought that every man should be given at least two chances to beat his wife.

JYP: not getting into it anymore with you, they haven't had a talk, not properly if you read back. If the OP ever comes back to this thread, I'm sure she will enlighten you on that fact.

Your insistence on describing me as someone I don't know is quite remarkable, esp this bit: And you think it's important to write it off a a "one off".

As this is now descending into petty personal attacks, time for me to go.

He never tried to wee in the wardrobe again. That was twenty four years ago and Stella Artois was involved.

This 'LTB brigade' stuff is nonsense. People are so out of order encouraging OP to get stuff (even if it's just temporary) space from her 'D'H was was drunk and violent in the last 24 hours.

It's not bra burning or 'LTB' ranting, it's common sense - protect yourself and your children while said violent drunk/hungover husband calms down and reflects.

Oh and OP saying that she doesn't want to leave doesn't mean:
a) she won't change her mind (especially after next time)
or
b) she shouldn't

Delighted that the doormat remark has ruffled feathers. Not nice being labelled is it?

I love that you think a PROPER talk is needed before a man would feel appalled and frightened that he beat his wife during a blackout.

I mean, I've seen a lot of "poor menz, they are so simple" stuff on here, but this really takes the biscuit.

If he needs a "proper" talk to acknowledge that he is currently a danger to his wife unless he stops drinking and that he has changed their relationship forever by becoming a person who has physically abused her, then she should be making plans to leave.

This is a fucking no brainer.

A person who did something like this and for whom it was truly out of character would be falling over themselves to try to make amends.

Not waiting for their wife to explain that she didn't like being hit very much.

*stuff = space
(bloody phone)

Anyhoo. My concern is OP 's safety not what the rest of you may be willing to put up with (sorry insight).

again in fairness - and I absolutely do not in any way condone what he's done!- the OP can only have seen him for a very brief time since all this happened last night.

It may take a bit of time for it to sink in just what he's done.

The responsibility is entirely his for both drinking that much and for his behaviour, but if he doesnt remember it he may have trouble even believing it right now given that it appears to be utterly out of his normal pattern of behaviour. (actualy 4-6 pints in a night sounds a lot to me, even before you get to the incredible amount he drunk last night).

He could also have mishandled his children. That he didn't, if he was that incapable, was sheer luck. That's all. Luck.

If he remains in denial of the seriousness of what he's done, then sadly the relationship is going to be in very serious trouble because apart from anything else, the OP could not trust him again either with herself or her children.

If he genuinely realises what he's done and alters his behaviour, maybe the OP could slowly rebuild trust, thoguh this has to be extra-painful given her background. It would leave a permanent mark, but all lives and all relationships have scars and scars can heal ... In time.

Overall until this awful night he sounded a very good partner and I assume father.

Any healing from now on depends on his attitude and behaviour. If he still has the same 'move on from it' attitude tomorrow, then its a very bad sign. If he actually wakes up to the seriousness of what he's done, then maybe there's hope. I do believe in second chances in most cases, if someone genuinely shows remorse.

Oh my word....Listen to what happened. He was pissing in the wardrobe and slapped the OP because she was trying to pull him away. He has never slapped been aggressive or violent up until then. But then maybe he hadn't realised just how much he loved pissing in the wardrobe up until 2 nights ago. Maybe he was enjoying the experience so much that he couldn't bear to stop and so lashed out at anyone suggesting a wardrobe was not a good place to piss.

He didn't just jump out of bed and start shouting and hitting. He was semi conscious. Although we can't rule out that secretly he longs to pee in wardrobes and the alcohol just enhanced his longing. Are we really going to throw him out over that.

My dad is on extreme medication which makes his dreams seem real. One of the awful side effects is he punches and kicks in bed and sometimes my mum gets it. The specialist warned it is a common side effect. You reckon my mum should leave him for being a sleeping abuser.
Get real.

And the OP has said they haven't really talked about it.

rainbow - your account is completely biased in favour of your made up notion that this incredibly drunk man was "sleepwalking".

It's like you feel the men in your family are all just one step away from slapping their own wives and you need to feel OK about how normal that is.

Hint: it's not normal.

The only part of your "story" that is significant is the bit where he slapped his wife.

He slapped his wife.

He was really drunk and he slapped his wife.

That is domestic violence.

He has offered no explanation for his violence, and thinks it was no big deal.

That's the story.

If it takes him two days to realise that hitting his wife is actually a big deal and that he is responsible for what he does when he's drunk, even if he doesn't remember afterwards, then he's not a good man.

He's a bad man who hasn't been caught out before.

No comment.

Good luck OP.

I cant see why the fact its a one-off is even a matter for discussion. Everything starts somewhere, doesnt it? Which woman in her right mind would be sitting there thinking 'oh its just a one-off' when theyre sat next a man who's slapped them in the face with an 'I only did it once, just move on' without a shred of contriteness...all accompanied by the lovely stench of pissed-on clothes that'll probably continue to get more rancid until dear little wifey washes them. Talk about low standards.

When someone is so massively disrespectful to you including blatantly showing you he has zero intention of taking responsibility for it, you'd have to be extremely naive not to take great note of that.

My DP whacked me in the face once, when he was woken suddenly by something outside, i put my hand on his shoulder and he immediately lashed out and gave me a thick lip. He was mortified and it wasn't even his fault. He has never pissed in the wardrobe - if he did, it would be the first and last time he did it in my house.

It was his dismissive attitude that people have the problem with - had he been "OMFG, i am so sorry, what a twunt i am, im really sorry, oh, this wont happen again, i promise, i'll take steps to ensure i never do anything like this ever again, if that means i can't drink so be it" "yes of course i understand how upset you are, i just want to reassure you this wont happen again," ad nauseum............THEN it would probably be OK, even if he hadn't felt able to clean up his mess yet, had he been truly contrite i probably would have even shoved the stuff in the machine for him, but no, he wasn't was he - he told her she should move on because he was so pissed that he can't remember doing it.

See - what if he killed her, what if he got into such a rage that he slapped her, pushed her and she hit her head and died - would that be ok? Would the court dismiss the case because he couldn't remember what he did???

If i had got into such a state that i did that, i would be mortified (and believe me ive been plastered) and falling over myself to make it up to my partner. He isn't

By low standards I am not talking about you, OP. I am referring to some who seem to think this is a one-off/out of character so its somehow fine to forgive/its unlikely to happen again; this is the kind of talk men who are violent to their wives use to explain away their actions and Im sad to see women repeating it, especially in this day and supposedly enlightened age. I hope you are ok

Oh brother.... I give up

yes yes yes finally some sense!
Thank you Mistress

Oh there's a lot of sense here and there on this thread Trevor you just have to wade through some of the "eyebrow raising" responses to see them..!

Im an advocate of 'when a person shows you who they are, believe them'..

Oi, even those of us who think it might be sleepwalking - on the basis of experience of pissed sleepwalkers - have said it's unacceptable to hit your wife, and that a normal, non-abusive sleepwalker would say "omg I must never do that again" but a potential abuser would say "not my fault".

I am surprisingly violent in my dreams, because I know they're dreams.