DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[GarlicLeGrenouille]

Isetan at 17:40 posted what I was thinking.

If it's easier to leave all the analysis for another day, people's paths do diverge and they become less suitable for one another. Getting stuck inside their parents' dissatisfied marriage is much worse for children than living with separated parents who are content with their life choices.

[uptheauntie]

OP getting a stupidly hard time over sleeping issue. My 3 year old dd frequently sleeps 13 or 14 hours a night. Nothing sinister about it. I count my lucky stars.

[AmeliaAmelia]

Apart from everything else, what on earth is wrong with OP sleeping until 10am?!?!?! Her children r asleep for god sakes!!!! Should she be up at 6am making breakfast for her bully husband???? Looking after 2 small children is a job as well + OP will be doing PhD and looking after the kids from september. Also I was SAHM and I wasnt bringing any money but I dont think my dh felt like my parent!!!

Do u still love him?
Do u get along fine ?

[MistressDeeCee]

^ Looking after 2 small children is a job as well

Exactly.

[MistressDeeCee]

I also think you should seek counselling alone, OP. He will just repeat his long list of woes to counsellor and that may be hard to break through..when people believe they are absolutely and utterly right theyre going to counselling to seek affirmation of their behaviour. It can make things worse.

Pot smoking is known to increase or even invoke paranoia. He's got a cheek to complain about your lie-ins and all else when he's puffing weed all over the place. He'll be even more enraged when you gain your Phd.

Amazing how your 'I get lie-ins' till 10am comment seemed to spark outraged envy here, tho. Maybe you should have told all else and left that bit out...

[HelenHen]

Lol at the 'outraged envy' comment... I completely agree. Wtf is wrong with someone staying in bed til 10am if they can? Far from out of order imo.

[Iwanttobeblondebutiamnot]

have you noticed any other behaviour other than this?
is it a 'mixed' gym that he attends.

[Sharaluck]

I am about having 2 toddlers who sleep from 8pm-10am!! And then the youngest has a nap!? Amazing

To be honest you two really seem to have very blessed lives with regards to working hours, family support and plenty of down time/ couple time due to sleeping children.

If you can't see your blessings and you are causing each other so much angst it probably is best to end it, but I honestly think you need to count your blessings first.

[pointythings]

shara how is having a DH who constantly picks apart everything OP does, belittles her, criticises her and refuses to change any of his bad points when she has worked hard to change hers in any way a blessing?

[Ilovefluffysheep]

Mine both used to sleep 14 hours as well, 6pm til 8am. And nap during the day! I was blessed with good sleepers and that has never changed. Now they're teenagers and still sleep a lot!

[Sharaluck]

I did say you both, the op's dh is on this thread as well.

And I do think it is relevant. Sleep issues in young children can definitely be a complicating factor in marriages. My own experience is with dc who only sleep for 10-12 hours a day (including nap times) so it is a matter of having to work around their sleeping times and to get couple time/personal leisure time.

So it is amazing to think that this couple don't need to split early morning wake ups/ night wakings between themselves. Dh can have lie ins every weekend. Also they get evenings together as well. This is a huge advantage. Coupled with the dh's relatively short working/commuting hours.

[MistressDeeCee]

If having a man like this is a blessing - no thanks. Imagine being criticised, belittled, monitored in this way day in day out. Id have kicked him to the kerb together with his fog of weedsmoke. I dont get the hang up on toddlers sleeping hours either, just seems a further way to criticise OP. I didnt work when I had my babies 1 year apart and they were good sleepers, often asleep at the times mentioned. Hence, so was I. I just fitted in around them. I can't think of any reason why Id need to be up at the crack of dawn when they were not - to suit who, exactly? & why? Who says all routines have to be the same? That was our routine, and it worked. When they started school we got into the necessary pattern. No big deal.

DH says 'lie-ins' (OP how DARE you have lie-ins as a mum?|!) are not acceptable and OP must get up early now. The man is an emotional abuser, end of story. Whatever OP fixes, he will find another thing to criticise about. The list will grow ever longer. Its easy for some to say you are lucky enough OP, and should put up with him...theyre not in your situation. I bet they wouldnt be able to stand living with him for even a month. & a month is being pretty ambitious.

OP I hope you're still thinking hard about whether you want this scenario to be your life. Never mind the weedsmoke being inhaled by your youngsters...

& well done for gaining your PhD, and raising children too.

[MrRected]

Well if the shoe were on the other foot and my DH was lying in bed till 10am every day, I'd be a bit .

I am a SAHM and get up at 5.45 every day, I kind of think it's nice to support DH by ensuring that he has a good home packed lunch and that I make some nice treats for his and the children's lunchboxes before he leaves with the DS's for the school run (I take DD to school).

If I were having to go out and earn the money and my partner was having a lie in everyday, I think I'd probably be pissed off too.

Sounds to me like he thinks there is an imbalance and might feel like he has to have a strop before anything gets done - your list was pretty long.

It might benefit you both to actually sit down and talk. Take away the guess work and assumption and actually find out what each other's grievances are. There is a lot of nitpicking going on which seems to me just a symptom of a much bigger underlying problem.

[Sharaluck]

Yes the nit picking shows that the dh sounds like he has a real problem with the op.

His life sounds pretty good to me, wake up at 7.30am, home to spend time with the dc in the evenings/weekends, lie ins on the weekend. Plenty of evening time to do as he pleases, a good wage, a sahm wife to do chores/cooking etc reducing his time spent on these.

I'm not very aware of how pot smoking may play a factor in how he feels, but on paper he has a very good deal.

So why is he nit picking? Does he no longer love op or want to be married?

[MistressDeeCee]

Also think in between the fixation with what time OP gets up in the morning, a few things are being missed

She works from home hence isnt sitting on her arse all day
Raising toddlers takes effort - theyre not raising themselves
Raising toddlers is also a job
H is smoking cannabis - not good around children or dont their lungs matter as much as what time OP gets up in the morning?
H can be arrested for his (expensive) addiction to an illegal substance

[nkf]

He sounds depressed. It's grim to do a job you hate because you have to. He also sounds hard to please and difficult. But it's hard to say from the information you've given whether or not this is a permanent character trait or just temporary.

Being a "good wife" is an odd statement for me. Are there "good wives" or just women in good relationships? I'm not sure that there are a list of qualities good wives need to exhibit, but I'm divorced, so what do I know?

Pot smoking would do my head in though.

[nkf]

Now I see that the other half has posted. I no longer believe a word of it.

[paxtecum]

I don't understand what time op uses to work from home.

Op gets up with the DCs so does she do the work when the DCs are around?

Does the DH smoke pot for his arthritis?

I don't understand why anyone would stay in bed until 10.00am everyday when they have a busy life.

[LadyLapsang]

I'm just amazed that a two and three year-old sleep in until 10am every day - what time do they go to bed? My DS used to be up and at it by 6am every day.

[NumptyNameChange]

isetan also summed up much of what i was thinking. he chose a 'broken' younger woman purposely and you inconveniently have blossomed into a very capable woman with much success already and much more to come.

OP think about your parents divorce - was it just the fact that they got divorced that made it awful or were there ways that they could have handled it better that would have meant it didn't have to be awful?

honestly you have so much promise ahead of you and have proved yourself so capable. i cannot see what your husband has to offer other than attempts to hold you back and make you feel like shit.

perhaps if he is willing to go to counselling to address his issues and to commit to seriously dealing with them then there is hope. otherwise i think not. you are not a broken young woman now and you don't have to put up with a condescending, critical control freak to 'make up for' your failings. we all have failings ffs. yours are clearly not that serious given how much you've made of yourself against the odds and with constant undermining.

[CleopatrasAsp]

I just do not get the obsession on this thread with the OP's rising time - what fucking business is it of anyone else when she chooses to get out of bed - she's hardly getting up at 3 pm. I am a night owl and have always been a night owl even as a child. My natural sleeping pattern is to go to bed later and get up later. When I went to school and then, later when I worked 9-5 I got up and went to bed earlier during the week because that was necessary. Now I work from home and schedule all my work for later in the day if possible because it works best for me. I go to bed at 1 am, sometimes 2 am, and get up at 10 am and I have no children. My DH gets up at 5.15 am in the week and he has never once criticised my sleeping arrangements and I would never expect him to. I am an adult and I do what I like as long as it is not hurting anyone else.

I think there is just a lot of envy of the OP's children's sleeping habits on this thread.

OP, do what works best for you and your children. A man who is resentful of you is a man that doesn't really love you, unfortunately. When someone loves you they want you to be happy, they don't criticise, belittle and nag you all the time. In addition to this your DH doesn't really have a leg to stand on since he clearly can't function without using pot as a crutch.

[paxtecum]

There is an obsession with the staying in bed until 10.00am because it is unusual.

MY DGCs had a spell of sleeping 15 hours a day because they had a cows' milk intolerance.

[MistressDeeCee]

Each to their own - maybe the OP arranges her toddlers' sleeping patterns to suit - and why shouldnt she? There shouldnt be a monitor dictating what time they all have to go to bed, what time they have to get up. When I had my too I worked p/t self-employed from home. I didnt fuss too much about what time they went to bed so they often went late. & when they were in bed, I got a few hours work done then went to bed myself. Most of our outdoor activities, mother & toddler groups etc, we simply did in the afternoon. When the time came around for them to start school then obviously that routine changed, as it naturally would. The sky didnt fall in! Id have blasted anyone who tried to dictate to me how I should time my day. It worked for us. As long as DCs are looked after, other things get done, then who is anyone to judge?

Then again Im still that here is a woman being undermined, scolded, belittled and criticised by her pot-smoking man who feels she MUST carry the can for his disgruntled stance on work and life, and some women can actually bypass that and focus heavily on what time she gets out of bed.

Its like the dark ages