DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[ToddlerHoover]

Seriously, for context, this is how it works in this house.

Dh leaves for work before anyone else is up. The rest of us get up at 7, I get showered and dressed and then get everyone else ready, we leave the house at 8am.

Dh gets in at 3.30, picks the kids up, does homework with them, cooks dinner. I get in at 6. The older kids have a club to go to every night except Friday, I take them, DH picks them up. He baths ds2 (toddler) and puts him to bed. We share the housework. Nobody takes over from us at the weekend unless it's a very special occasion. Lie ins are until 9am and I usually get them as Dh is an early riser, u less he's worked Saturday then I make him stay in bed.

Honestly, your work hours and your life balance are jammy. And smoking pot every night is really pathetic. You really need to get some perspective.

[gamerchick]

I agree you both need to grow up. Especially the man child husband... 'its not faaaair' stamps foot. and pot heads are losers in response to someone a ways back.. It kills your appetite for life and makes you whiney.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

can't believe I was sucked in.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

The OP is not 'jammy', she has worked very hard to secure something very prestigious. You don't get a scholarship like that through luck! She made a mutual agreement with her husband to be a SAHM to two young children and then on top of managing that, she took up some freelance work to bring in extra money and won a PhD scholarship. She is most definitely NOT lazy! If I was at home with a 2 and a 3yo I would not achieve any studying and my house wouldn't be in great shape either. Yes, her life sounds great but she has worked to make it that way.

Why does she need to put on parenting pants? She is parenting just fine! And achieving a vast amount besides!

OP, as bizarre as this is, I think your only mistake on this thread was to admit to getting a lie-in as apparently your husband is not the only person bitter and petty enough to begrudge you this. My sister's toddlers sleep late as well. No one has ever suggested she get up and clean the fecking house before they rouse and I'd be furious on her behalf if they did. It all changes soon enough anyway with school runs etc so enjoy it while you can.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

"We have agreed to see Relate where it should be discussed, not here on mumsnet."

So now that you have discovered your partner's one source of support, YOU have decided that it's not appropriate and have kicked that support out from under her? Nice.

I know you have written your post to make yourself come across as Mr Reasonable, but I think you are a bitter and controlling stoner who will never be happy, even if your partner follows all of your edicts.

[ToddlerHoover]

Interesting that you put the kids to bed and they settle themselves before sleeping for 15 hours.

I bet they don't, and in fact they are upstairs playing or whatever for a good few hours while you get toasted in the car.

That's why their sleeping patterns are so out of whack.

It's all a bit sad.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

So does everyone actually believe dh has actually come on this thread for the first time and picked a user name thebutterhalf ??

I wonder if he has used op account or went through the rigmarole of sett g a new account up.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

*setting

[Lottiedoubtie]

If that is the OPs DH then poor her

I'm betting she won't be back now.

Anyone else still think smoking pot three times a night is still far too much?

[pointythings]

Yes, far too much. That sort of use is called addiction.

OP's 'D'H has also been petty, sneaky and devious in coming on here and undermining her. His resentment is all about him, not a single word of empathy for his DW. He is a loser and OP should get rid - fast. He is never going to change.

[womblesofwestminster]

He did come to the thread. And then left a massive sink full of dishes for me this morning as a little passive aggressive gesture.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

If this is for real, then the message that he left pretty much confirms my suspicions that he is a controlling prick who wants you on an extremely tight leash.

As Zorba said: I think you are a bitter and controlling stoner who will never be happy, even if your partner follows all of your edicts.

Why did you link that abusive prick to a site where women come for support from abuse?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

We have agreed to see Relate where it should be discussed, not here on mumsnet.

Why not on mumsnet? If you have a case to state then state it.

The people on mumsnet will tell you they are reading it, are you scared of that wrecking your little empire?

What are these chores and the 50/50 split you mention?

[Lottiedoubtie]

OP did you really encourage him to read the thread?

That wasn't a great idea. I think you need to ask MN to pull the thread. Consider a NC and come back when you know he's not looking.

In the meantime, try and get some real life support? Friends, family?

[Logg1e]

With respect, I think that it's unedifying and unhealthy for this couple (if real) to have this played out on here.

I think the OP should continue to get support and advice on here, if she chooses, and in a way that makes it harder for him to see. (We don't know if he snooped or if she showed him I don't think).

[MistressDeeCee]

Oh - yet another DH who is focused on wife-watching and being resentful if she seems to have it easier. Life isnt always equal and its naive to believe that isnt sometimes the way of it - yes there will be times when others have it easier but, so what? Is he resentful about other people he feels are in a better position than him? Or is it just you OP, as its easier to nag and belittle you behind closed doors and of course you're his DW...he has a stressful job (for which it seems you must do penance), needs to vent, you're available and thus, should just take it. Who on earth would want to be monitored and micromanaged in this way, especially by someone who purports to love you? He's already calculating ahead...'in September you STILL won't have it hard'. So, you should have a harder life to suit him? & no doubt when you do, he will belittle you even more and say its your own fault for not managing your life properly. He is being a thorough nuisance.

[pointythings]

wombles I hope that this has allowed you to realise that the man you are married to is an abuser. I know it is hard, but you need to start taking steps to get shot of him. You and your DCs deserve better.

[BranchingOut]

OP, I don't know if you are still out there, but your situation strikes a chord with me.

There is nothing so soul-destroying as a constant hum of disapproval and criticism. It has been a theme in my own marriage - I can send you a PM or link you to my threads if you wish.

I note that your husband's username is a play on the phrase 'better half', which is what people normally use to refer to their spouse rather than themself...

It is also clear to me that the major issue here is your husband's addiction. A significant usage like his will be having huge impact on his memory and personality, with symptoms like paranoia at the top of the list. You should be the one setting boundaries about this - it will be having a negative effect on all of you. Putting this all into perspective, a bit of clutter and a lie in are not going to be of interest to the authorities, whereas he is addicted to an illegal substance.

However, regarding the later waking - I think it might be a good idea to begin getting your children up earlier now. September will be coming around soon and schools take an extremely dim view of lateness. Better to gradually bring the timing forward than to have a miserable few weeks in September.

I am also a bit surprised that no one has put two and two together and suggested that the reason why you might sleep later is that you are up late doing your freelance work and/or studying. Is that the case?

[womblesofwestminster]

BranchingOut I'd love to read your threads. Yes please.

btw, trying to persuade my DH that pot use is bad, just won't work.

I am also a bit surprised that no one has put two and two together and suggested that the reason why you might sleep later is that you are up late doing your freelance work and/or studying. Is that the case?

Some nights I do. Generally I just live by the DC's bodyclocks and do freelance/studying when they don't need me (e.g. when eldest is at nursery for her 3 hours and youngest is having a nap).

[wannabestressfree]

I realise my opinion is late in the day but
It's commendable for the op to have the offer of a phd. It's got to be a a team effort though. Well done op though. Very jealous
I personally think the odd lie in is fine. But when your whole routine is out of kilter with your partners it will cause resentment. Not many have drawn attention to the husbands diabetes. That can cause all many of problems including mood related and tiredness.
I don't think it's healthy for children to sleep that long. Their routine (and I appreciate it's my opinion) should be structured better for schooling etc. If you are having breakfast at 10.30 when is lunch and dinner? And they are in bed at seven?
Lots of the threads remind me of competitive tiredness and parenting. 'I have a lie in and she gets one and I take them to soft play' maybe it would be better for ALL to get up and do it together.
Big mistake sending the thread too.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Hi OP, you sound quite beaten down by the situation, and I am not surprised. I think there is a huge imbalance in the way you and your partner talk to each other. He gives you a long list of ways in which you HAVE to improve your entire way of being, and yet you can't even talk to him about the dope-smoking, because he just shuts you down.

I would be very interested to know what the Relate counsellor thinks of his spending most of every evening smoking dope in the car, rather than engaging with his partner. Perhaps it relieves the symptoms of his arthritis and diabetes - I don't know, but I think he is being totally irresponsible by acting in this way - in terms of the amount of money it must cost, the lack of communication with you that it involves, and the health and safety aspect (what would happen, for example, if something happened to you or the children, and he was too stoned to help?).

I think that rather than YOU having the cushy number, you are having to put up with an awful lot of crap from him that you (and your children) don't deserve.

[NaturalBaby]

Does he care about your feelings and the fact that he's making you feel this way? You can explain how he makes you feel in a non confrontational way, without accusing him of anything. e.g 'when you say it makes me feel '.

Stuff isn't going to change for you or your DH unless you work at it together and support each other. Life is tough for both of you, it's not a competition.

[Isetan]

This isn't what he signed up for, he married a broken young woman who could be moulded and who would be satisfied and grateful with anything he did. His real resentment isn't your poor cooking skills and lie ins, it's your growing independence and future potential.

This man is controlling, the target setting and goal post shifting is designed to keep you permanently on the back foot. Of course he agreed to you being a SAHM because it's more convenient for him to keep you dependant and therefore pliable.

The above, coupled with the drug use and crap sex paints a very bleak picture. Your outgrowing this man and he's scared and resents you for it, in his eyes you were never and should never be his equal.

Yours is a dysfunctional relationship and should definately not be a relationship model for your children.

I strongly suggest counselling on your own.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I totally agree Isetan, that's what I'm seeing too.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Even his user name is a Look At Me, The Big I am

TheButterHalf - The Better Half.

Or maybe he isn't that clever.