My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH is resentful of me

198 replies

womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 17:41

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

OP posts:
Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 19:50

What do you want to happen?how would you like this to resolve

I'd like him to stop having a go at me. If he was more pleasant to be around, that would also be great. I'd be 100% happy with life if those things happened. Every other area of my life is great now.

Sounds as if he is resentful of having to support you financially. And if you are not pulling your weight at home I can see why he is annoyed. All these arrangements do have to be mutually agreed. You do sound a bit entitled to me I'm afraid.

Did you read the part where I said I corrected all the things on the list? Or are you saying I'm entitled currently? Please clarify.

OP posts:
Report
ummingandahhing · 23/02/2014 19:51

OP, you say you get up at 10am with the DC but what time do they go to bed?

If it turns out that them getting up late means that they are ALSO in bed late which means that you get no time with your DH, then yes I would say that YABslightlyU.

Report
Logg1e · 23/02/2014 19:51

OP, If he was more pleasant to be around, that would also be great. I'd be 100% happy with life if those things happened.

You can't make him more pleasant, but you can tell him that's what you need and what will happen if he doesn't change.

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 19:54

Funnily enough I am also an academic, and i think this plus how well I did in my degree boiled his piss as he never finished uni although I encouraged him to go back.

DH never went to uni. He's from a very volatile background (mother was an alcoholic) so he never had the chance.

Has he always shouted & sworn at you, & has his cannabis use always been so extreme?

Yes to the first question. No to the second. He had a period (a year or so) when he didn't smoke pot.

He needs you to need him. He needs you to be dependent on him. He is afraid of an independent you that has choices that you might exercise.

I personally don't know if this is the case, but a previous Relate counsellor has said this.

OP posts:
Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 19:56

At least you will get 20% of the £62k when you leave him.

Where's that figure from? Is that what SAHMs get?

OP, you say you get up at 10am with the DC but what time do they go to bed?

They go to bed between 7 and 8pm.

OP posts:
Report
Logg1e · 23/02/2014 19:57

I've got to ask - are they still in nappies?

Report
fancyanotherfez · 23/02/2014 19:58

I think a father of 2 smoking pot every hour is probably a massive part of the problem! An occasional smoke of an evening is one thing, but he sounds like this is a major problem! How does he manage to hold down that job of his??

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 20:00

I've got to ask - are they still in nappies?

The 3 year old isn't. The 2 year old is. Why?

How does he manage to hold down that job of his??

I'm presuming he doesn't smoke pot at work.

OP posts:
Report
ImperialBlether · 23/02/2014 20:03

What time do the children go to bed in the evening? What state is the house in by the time he gets home? Do you cook dinner? Do you go to bed at the same time as he does?

If the children are running around at 9pm, knackered and fractious, then I can understand him wanting all of you to get up earlier. If there's still a lot of housework to be done when he gets home then I can see why he'd think you'd had three hours extra sleep when you could've sorted it out. If he has to cook, ditto.

If you go to bed much later than he does, I can understand him being pissed off. Most people would prefer to go to bed at the same time and would be annoyed if their partner stayed up for several hours after they'd gone to bed.

Your children are in for a hell of a shock when you try to get them up every morning at 7am, aren't they?

Report
MrsMaryCooper · 23/02/2014 20:03

He just ends up shouting or saying "fuck off" or leaving and going to the car for his pot.

Actually he sounds terrible.

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 20:03

This thread is depressing me :( I actually feel more down now than before I created it.

OP posts:
Report
Logg1e · 23/02/2014 20:05

This thread is a real puzzle Womble the situation could be anywhere on a wide scale. This is what makes me say it's irrelevant. What's relevant is that you're unhappy and the question, "what are you going to do?".

Report
LoonvanBoon · 23/02/2014 20:05

Okay, so to summarize, given the most recent info:

-He's always been verbally abusive to you.
-He's always criticized you & changes the goalposts constantly.
-He won't listen when you tell him how you feel & just shouts / storms off.
-He resents your successes in life.
-He has a serious cannabis habit.
-You have a poor sexual relationship.

And some posters are still fixating on the time you get up in the morning. I do find that very weird.

OP, I think you need to be making plans to get out of this relationship. It sounds like you've done brilliantly over the last few years & achieved a lot while looking after your children.

I think you will have a happier future without this man in it.

Report
JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/02/2014 20:06

Sorry to hear that, wombles :(

We're just trying to help in our various ways, but you can stop posting any time you like.

And come back again another time if you want to talk it through some more. :)

Report
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/02/2014 20:06

Where's that figure from? Is that what SAHMs get

No, I believe you will get 15% of his [take home] pay for the first child and 20% for the two. CSA regulations. You need to look into this as it will be reduced if he has them for nights...which of course he won't if he smokes pot as you are documenting his pot use, right?

Report
RandomMess · 23/02/2014 20:07

I think the counsellor is very very right! He wants to keep you down and dependent on him and by chipping away are your confidence he's in danger of succeeding.

It is depressing Womble Sad

Report
Logg1e · 23/02/2014 20:07

I was worried because it's irrelevant to the thread, but I would be concerned for children who are in bed for 14 to 15 hours a night in the same nappy.

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 20:08

What time do the children go to bed in the evening?

Between 7-8pm. It used to be 8pm on the dot but DH wanted it to be sooner so it's now closer to 7.

What state is the house in by the time he gets home?

It differs depending on the day I've had. If the in-laws have done a couple of hours babysitting, then the house is in pretty good shape. If not, it looks like it's had kids in it.

Do you cook dinner?

Yes. I do now. I try to cook from scratch. DH admits that he likes my beef stew. So I now do something right!

Do you go to bed at the same time as he does?

Yes but we don't sleep in the same room. DH has arthritis and type 1 diabetes so is up and down all night.

OP posts:
Report
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 23/02/2014 20:08

You sound more like a science project, than a wife, fixing things he thinks are so terrible about you.

He accepted a baby maker and a domestic robot, now hes pissed off that he aint getting that.

Seriously OP, is this good enough for you, is it the best you can get?

Report
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/02/2014 20:09

The only thing I would say about the getting up early thing is you might find that getting them up earlier now will help you get them up earlier once the oldest goes to school. But that's a choice you make, not him as you are the SAHM managing this.

Report
Lottiedoubtie · 23/02/2014 20:11

imperial have you read the thread? Your comments to the OP are totally unreasonable.

OP,it's natural when you are feeling down to fixate on the posts that are cruel or critical of you. Please try and do the opposite, please re read all the supportive posts.

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 20:11

FunkyBoldRibena does spousal maintenence no longer exist? When a SAHM divorces, does she just get money for the kids? So a woman giving up her career means zip these days? That's not what I learnt in law school (albeit the module was Trusts and Equity rather than Family Law).

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Viviennemary · 23/02/2014 20:13

Entitled to be supported financially by your partner. Without mutual agreement that this is what you both want. You both have to reach agreement on these things. It can't be one person choosing they will study, be a SAHM or whatever. It has to be agreed. You aren't happy and neither is he. So I suppose the answer is to split up. Does he think you should get a job. Is that the problem?

Report
womblesofwestminster · 23/02/2014 20:14

Entitled to be supported financially by your partner. Without mutual agreement that this is what you both want.

That was the mutual agreement.

OP posts:
Report
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/02/2014 20:16

FunkyBoldRibena does spousal maintenence no longer exist? When a SAHM divorces, does she just get money for the kids? So a woman giving up her career means zip these days? That's not what I learnt in law school (albeit the module was Trusts and Equity rather than Family Law).

You need to do your own research on that but make sure you do so that you know what your options are.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.